Sex and Salt Lake City

Goodbye

2011-10-20T00:43:00.000-07:00

This blog didn't end up the way i'd hoped. I wanted it to be fun, and flirtatious. Wacky adventures in dating. But it became my place to vent, because I didn't have anyone to vent to. It did document my falling in love with someone. A person that is more special to me than anyone. And the adventures we have had together were wonderful. My only regret is not writing more about the great times. And they outweigh the heartache I have so often filled this blog with.

To The DJ:

I want you to know how lovely you are. Don't let anyone tell you different. You are sweet, good-hearted, easy on the eyes (you know this), hilarious, and amazingly talented. I am so fucking lucky to have met you. Every person I meet in the future will pale in comparison to you.

You are my best friend, my true love. And I just wish my timing was better.

Love Teisha Marie

Calm

2011-07-17T06:09:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just the calm before the storm. But I was going through a bunch of old messages, and little quotes. I try so goddamn hard to document things that are special to me. And I just smiled. I kind of feel like I'm going to be okay. I keep telling myself that it's over, because that's what everyone tells is the best thing for me. I just kind of don't believe it. That might upset some of you. I know it does. And I don't know what to say except I take comfort in thinking he will still be part of my life. He's my best friend. Maybe he has already moved on, and i'm sure i will still bitch and moan that things aren't going my way. But just momentarily, I need this calm.

Fuck.

2011-07-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been a disaster, and I am at my breaking point. I am trying to pick up the pieces and hold my head high. But I miss him so much. He just picked up and left on a vacation that we were supposed to take together. Leaving a tornado of drama, without so much as a word. I am at the club, after spending days in bed. On pain meds and drinking. It's all been a blur. But boys keep hitting on me, and my skin crawls. I don't want anyone else to touch me again. And I am sitting in the bathroom listening to idiotic girls complain about their husband and boyfriends. How is it that these awful girls have managed to pair off, and no matter how hard I try to be an amazing girlfriend I can't keep a guy. And no matter how many times i'm told that it isn't me, I don't believe it.

I deleted my Facebook again, because I know when he gets home, there will be tons of posts and pictures. Of him having a blast. I remember last summer enough to try to avoid the hurt I am going to feel when I see it. It seems over dramatic, but i'm devastated. And it's only going to get worse.

Circles and...

2011-07-09T02:43:00.000-07:00

Night 1 of being alone again. I thought I was going to be okay after this break-up. But I'm not. I feel empty and embarrassed. Especially knowing for a fact he is happy that we are over. I continually think that I can be good enough. And I am always wrong.

...and Circles.

2011-02-05T19:03:00.000-08:00

I can't ever tell if I have amazing intuition. Or if things keep going bad because I expect them to. I spoke about this a few posts ago. But I believe that people are creatures of habit. They make constant excuses for their future selves, because they have never proven themselves wrong. 'I am going to sabotage this relationship, because that's just what I've always done.' It blows my mind, this makes absolutely no sense to me. If you honestly know that you have a tendency to do something that you aren't particularly proud of or unhappy about, you learn your lesson, and try to improve. If you don't, and just continually make the same damn mistake, then you aren't necessarily unhappy about the actions that bring you to the same point.

The DJ keeps reminding me, and himself, and everyone that he will always sabotage his relationships because he knows he will always end up alone. I keep choosing to ignore this, and enjoy myself until it becomes unbearable. It's funny, I was talking about him at first. But I now see I am making the same mistakes over and over. I always stick around, and fight, and try to prove myself. Until there is nothing else I can do.

Anyway, so I have been discouraged lately. At first, we both believed we couldn't live without each other. That 'we' were inevitable. Then we are around each other constantly. And things become routine. And I have no problem with that, but I know he does.

Goddamn it! What the fuck am I even writing??

Habits. He has been gone this entire week at his work. And he doesn't really miss me that much. And he's planning trips with people without me, and telling his friends how much he misses them and trying to plan things with them. And none of this is a big deal, except not a month ago he was saying how none of these people are important to him. And I realize that he did this exact same thing the last time he dumped me. And am I being paranoid, or am I trying to protect myself? Why can't I be content? Why can't I be happy with now?

Because I know I want more than this. He knows it too.

More and more, I keep thinking I don't belong here. I am in a pool of people who have no faith in relationships. The people who do, are already paired off. I kind of wonder if I should save for a bit, pack up and leave. To France, Japan, London.

Anywhere. Just get away from this culture. I doubt it would solve anything, because ultimately...wherever I go, there I am.

Texts

2011-01-16T20:32:00.000-08:00

'We don't have any real problems outside of the very, very superficial, but we have this one very real underlying problem that I feel like is just going to get worse over time and that's that you want to know what's going to happen. You want long-term, a future. I don't like knowing. I like uncertainty. I like to feel like at any moment I could pack my bags and leave for Denver and no one would care.'

This one hit me like a ton of bricks.

Questions

2011-01-16T17:11:00.000-08:00

I am forciing myself to write. And I really, really don't want to. I want life to be rainbows and kisses. I at least want my relationship to feel like that. And it mostly has. But I just have this little part of me that is telling myself, 'You are in denial.'

The DJ and I are doing stellar. I stay at his house all the time. We are doing the sober thing together. It has been lovely. But he keeps dropping these little hints. These little ticking time bombs. He constantly throws into conversations how he is so happy that he knows he's never going to get married. In subtle ways. To me and to his friends. I don't call him my boyfriend and he won't call me his girlfriend. We are 'dating'. And this is supposed to be good enough for me.

I am presently moving to a new place. And his roomie is moving out. The logical thing would be to move in together, since I stay there all the time anyway. But there is not a single mention of it. All I hear is how excited he is that it's going to be his place.

And I just can't help but feel like he is trying to make sure he has an easy out. When and if the time comes that he wants to move on, he won't have to worry about seperating things, or telling people that he is single. If he decides he wants to date other people, he can just say that we were never officially together.

We are doing this sober thing and eating better thing together. And I told him today that I am not asking him to make any promises, but if we do this together, and then spring comes around and he decides he doesn't want me around anymore so he can play, I am going to be fucking pissed. He just tells me to shutup. There is not an ounce of reassurance on his end. And sometimes I feel like it's because he knows. He has done it twice before, and I think he knows himself, and is just trying to have the best of both worlds until he gets bored with me. God, am I being paranoid?

And I sit here asking myself. Should I protect myself? Or should I stop worrying and just let life happen. I can't seem to find a middle ground. I am really good and just pretending the problem doesn't exist, until BAM! I am in the middle of getting dumped. And he knows, just as well as I do, that if he does it again...I'm not coming back this time.

He is one of the most confusing people. He will tell me that he can't escape me, to please be patient with him because he knows he wants to spend his life with me. He just doesn't want it to be now. I will never be one of those girls who throw ultimatums, because that is asking for resentment down the road. So, how long should I be patient? Or should I be patient at all? I know I want to spend my life with him, but is this going to be another situation where I am going to have to chalk up this relationship to just bad timing.

So many questions that are just going to go unanswered. Because just as much as he is a creature of habit, I am as well. And he will most likely push me to the breaking point, and I will let him.

Panic

2010-11-23T11:20:00.001-08:00

I am getting extremely mad at myself right now. I have to keep talking myself down. And I shouldn’t have to do this for such a tiny thing. I am writing about this here, because it’s such a tiny problem, I would feel completely retarded to bring it up to him.
Things have been completely wonderful, as I wrote in the last post. We talk to each other every day, he tells me he misses me all the time. And then he has the night off, and I knew he was going to go out. I know better than to ask what he is doing and who with, because I honestly don’t want to know. Ignorance has suited me lately. But usually, even when he goes out, he will shoot me a text. Or he will call me just to hear the sound of my voice. And last night…nothing. And I go into a small panic mode.

I guess a little background is due. The DJ and I started slowly seeing each other again after the second break-up. Very slowly. I started to trust his feelings for me again. Even though neither of us really mentioned getting back together. He would always talk about how eventually he knew we would end up together. But it was a distant future type of thing. We were dating, but not officially together. I would occasionally ask him if he was seeing someone else, and the reply was always no.

But, I started sensing something was up. He stopped texting late at night, telling me he loved me or missed me. And at that point I was trying to play it off like I didn’t care. But of course it drove me nutty. Sometime had passed, and I still was uneasy. There was a girls choice dance that was coming up, and he had hinted that he wanted me to ask him. I was extremely excited, because it made me feel like I was being paranoid for no reason. I went to his place to decorate and ask him to the dance. And there was his phone, sitting on his desk.

Yeah.

Needless to say, I looked through it. And I found exactly what I was afraid of. I won’t go into details, but he was seeing someone, and he wasn’t being honest about it. I told him that we were done. To which he first got angry, then got sad and regretful. Dammit, I am trying very hard not to go into storyteller mode, and I am not doing a good job. I wanted this to be a very short re-telling so I can make my original point.

I went back and forth on if I could date him knowing he was seeing someone else. And ultimately decided I would try. To which he eventually stopped seeing her. Which brought us to the point we are at. Which brings me to why I get so damn paranoid when he doesn’t text me when he goes out. WHEW!

I don’t want to feel like this. I know it has been such a huge problem with me. I know that unless I get over it, I will end up right back where I don’t want to be. Where I become so overwhelming, that end up scaring him away again. But where is the line? Where I end up sacrificing my own happiness just to walk the tightrope for him? He still betrayed my trust, and that feeling lingers a little. Even though I know if I choose to continue to see him, I have to let go of the trust issues. We still aren’t officially together, so he has every right to do whatever he wants without having to answer to me. But I don’t think I am asking him to answer to me. It goes back to knowing that his heart is with me when I’m not around. And when he gives just that little bit, I feel so much better. And when he doesn’t, I feel like it’s impending doom.

Breathe

2010-11-19T13:52:00.001-08:00

I have written so much about heartbreak and loss on here. And I forget to write about falling in love and happiness. And that was originally what I wanted this blog to be about. Obviously, I knew there would be ups and downs. But I focus so much on the downs. I read back and think to myself 'man, there were so many good times, and I just skipped right over them.' I don't know why I do this.

So, I am in love...again. And I am going to write about the good stuff this time. I have already missed a lot of it. And I am sad for that. Because he says and does some of the sweetest things.

The DJ and I are hopelessly attached to each other. And this time we are taking things very slowly. We see each other about 2-3 times a week. Which is just enough to miss each other, but not so long that I get frustrated. As I have written about many times on this blog. I am very co-dependent, and being without him for long periods of time makes me extremely anxious. I am doing better with that.

There are a ton of 'miss yous' and 'love yous'. And boy do I relish in it. Like a giant cushy bed covered in soft pillows, I roll around in the warmth, and I never want to leave that bed. Sappy. He created our own little facebook page that only he and I can see. And there are plenty of little love letters to each other.

We have had such a lovely time together. And it's hard to come back down. I keep reminding myself to breathe, because I get so excited at the idea of a future together. Which we both know is pretty much inevitable at this point. We really can't escape each other. I have to tell myself to slow down. That is one of my biggest problems. Instead of enjoying every moment, I want my future with him to start now. I watch videos and read blogs about happily married couples enjoying their little lives on this big planet. And I get choked up, cause I want that for us. I know it's going to be just amazing. We aren't officially together, because he wants to be ready to take the next step. Do it as it comes naturally, instead of forcing it, which can lead to a ton of resentment. And my stupid little brain throws it's little brain tantrum. 'NOW NOW NOW'

It's not really the whole getting married thing, or settling down. Those aren't things that I associate with the future. Truthfully, the only reason I want to get married sooner than later is so I still look relatively young and pretty in my wedding pictures. Which is quite irrelevent in the grand scheme of things. And I sure as hell don't want to settle down. I want to party and play until my body tells me to fuck off.

I just want to know he's mine. Not in the ownership sense. I hate that ball and chain crap and I have never been good at it. Just knowing that his heart is with me, even when he isn't physically with me. He texted this to me once:

'I think I'm feeling for you what you feel for me. Like I miss you and I wish I was just with you right now. This is gonna sound faggy but I think I'm longing for you right now or something.'

Longing is the best way to put it. I know sometimes people need their space, but I like for that longing to be there. It makes me feel better. Like I can breathe.

And so until the future is here, I am enjoying the now. I'm bathing in it. Every tiny little drop of it. Every smile, every kiss, every whisper, every giggle. All of it.

Disaster

2010-11-09T00:25:00.000-08:00

I do this thing where I think of the worst case scenario and practice how I would react in my head. I am always thinking of the worst thing that could happen. And I prepare myself. Exactly what I would say, how I would move my eyebrows, how I would leave the room. I am always preparing myself for doom.

DOOM DOOM DOOM!!

I have read articles and heard plenty of people say that your outlook on life affects how your life unfolds. If you are positive and think optimistically, good things will happen. And if you are pessimistic...blah blah.

You all know where this is going.

Was I always waiting for disaster to strike? Fuck no! I was perky and happy-go-lucky in junior high. Weren't we all? Not from what I here. I have always thought of myself as extremely fortunate to have the childhood and adolescence that I had. But, as I got older, I formed relationships. And slowly I became cautious. Was it because I had a chip on my shoulder? Or was it because of who I chose to trust with my most intimate feelings. I hate passing blame, because every move I made was my own choice. So then the question arises, am I a glutton for punishment? Am I one of those girls who chooses to be with people who will constantly 'challenge' her. To put it lightly.

Where does the responsibility lie? Or is there any responsibility to be had? Am I a product of society, upbringing, situations, relationships, influences? FUCK!! Am I a product of anything except my own DNA encoding? Anyone with any sense of logic would say all of the above.

And yet, how do I fix it? How do I stop this pessimism? After so long my mind has been trained, in some way, to constantly look over my shoulder. My inner voice tells me it's for my own protection. But am I creating my own disaster by expecting it?

Circles

2010-11-07T22:03:00.000-08:00

I have had a hard time convincing myself to write anything. After a while, it seems like I am writing the same thing over and over. Feeling the same things. In the exact same order. A broken record.

When I started this blog, I decided to invite a few of my close friends and family to follow along. Their advice and insight was important to me. But what I didn't foresee was that it might affect how they saw me. Since they knew the people I was talking about, and they saw the heartbreak and anxiety I was going through, it became a means to not like the person that was putting me through it. And so as things changed yet again, and The DJ and I started seeing each other, some people were not particularly happy with that decision. I didn't realize that me being open about my feelings through this whole process, even outside of the blog, people would have such a negative reaction to The DJ personally.

Since I am living at home, my parents have seen how much I struggled after he dumped me. And I told them almost everything. Mistake.

Now, my dad has even told me that he is not welcome in his house. I couldn't even believe that he felt so strongly. My relationship with The Ex was extremely volatile, and it affected me more negatively than anything I'd ever been through. I was emotionally abused and manipulated on a constant basis. He made me feel terrible about who I was, I gained insane amounts of weight out of depression. I stopped communicating with friends because his jealousy was out of control. 6 years of my life, and I was completely miserable. My parents knew it. But not once did they ever say he wasn't welcome in their house. And then The DJ, yes he broke my heart twice. Yes it was painful. But only because he was choosing not to be with me. Not because he made me miserable, or manipulated me. Just the terrible feeling of loss and loneliness.

And I think it's because I have been too damn open about every little feeling I have. I feel awful, and it hangs over my head. The DJ and I have fallen in love...again. And we both know that we can't escape each other. That sense that we have found something we won't come across again. We are not trying to rush into anything serious, and by no means has it been an easy 4 months. But he has told me that he knows we will end up together, and he knows he wants to marry me. And in knowing that, it has created this barrier between my family and I. I feel like I can't be honest when I go to hang out with him. Because when I say I am, I get lectured. They tell me not to get back together with him, that they don't like him. It breaks my heart that I made them see him in this light. I never meant to make him seem awful, because honestly he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in god knows how long, I feel like myself again. I am still working through self esteem issues from The Ex. But The DJ loves everything about me.

I have a lot of issues to work on myself, before I can be in a lasting relationship with him. Our schedules don't permit us to see a lot of each other. And I struggle with that. I won't get to see him until next Saturday, and the anxiety builds until then. I have thought about seeing a therapist, because I don't think it's very natural to be this anxious with even the thought of being without him. I guess that is all dependent on my financial situation if I am able to do it. But until then, an insane amount of distraction is all I can do.

As for this blog and my readers. I have thought about possibly doing a new blog, and making it strictly anonymous. Not allowing people that I personally know to see this. But I have put my heart and soul into this one. I think that I am just going to say this. To those of you that know me. Please don't judge. I understand that you love me, and you only want what's best for me. But I know that every single one of you, be it short relationships or long marriages, you have had your struggles. You have had partners who have made huge mistakes, and I'm sure you have also made your own mistakes. But if you truly love someone, you work through them. And this is what we are doing. If I vent, it's because it's my way of working through the small things so it doesn't become big. It's not because he isn't amazing, or that I don't love him with all my heart. And I absolutely do.

I never stopped.

The Heart

2010-10-03T16:28:00.001-07:00

The heart fell off on Thursday night.

The chain was taken off today.

I miss you already, but I don't know what else to do.

Been a while

2010-08-17T17:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't had the need to write here as much. I always think this is a good thing, in that I am usually depressed when I feel like writing. So things haven't been as terrible.

I definitely have some catching up to do, but I just wanted to remember this conversation I had with The DJ.

We were having lunch, celebrating the news that I finally got a job. And out of the blue he says, 'I don't know what my problem is.'

I ask him what he means, and he just repeats himself. Again, I wonder what the hell he is talking about.

He says, 'I have this list of things I want in a girl, and you fit every one perfectly. You're cute as hell, you're funny, you're sweet, you're adventurous in the sack. I don't know what my problem is.'

I tell him I don't know what to say. He continues 'I've had an amazing time with you the past few days. It would be stupid not to give it another go with you, but I know in a month I would just freak out again.'

At this point I say that I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Unhappy Birthday

2010-07-13T01:11:00.001-07:00

It is The DJ's birthday.

And I keep playing Unhappy Birthday by The Smiths. Over and over again.

I had so many plans when we were together. I spoke to friends to do paintings, and a cool remix of The Portal song. I had so many plans.

Fuck. I am trying to think of what to say. But the confusion is unbearable at this point. The sadness is unbearable. There is going to be a huge party Friday. And I won't be there.

He wonders why I am so sad.

It's because I loved him so much. I cared about him. I would have done anything for him.

What it comes down to. The pain, the hurt. No one wants to know that the person you love more than anyone, doesn't want to be with you. With me.

It's consuming. It doesn't make sense in my mind. I cannot think of anything else.

Happy Birthday Mister.

Drink and be ill tonight. From the one you left behind.

The Curb

2010-07-08T01:49:00.000-07:00

The curb. The curb that I have been avoiding since I got here.

It is infamous in my mind. It is the curb of contemplation.

The curb of misery, of pain, of contempt.

This curb has been probably the one significant constant in my life. I keep looking at it. It calls to me. Like a siren waiting to drown me. It's song is hypnotic.

It's my song.

After every heartbreak, I would sit there and stair at the stars, at my star. It's not actually a star. It's a planet, which is something I learned later on. I was never sure what planet it was, but I decided it was Venus. I don't know why.

I tried to give it away once. To my first boyfriend. The Goth. I was 16. Out of pure romantic intentions, I pulled him outside and told him I wanted to give something to him. It was my star, and it meant everything to me. I used to make wishes on it. And I wanted him to have it.

And he laughed. He said that you can't give stars away. This is a true story. I was devastated.

He soon dumped me. Not to my face. He just decided to start ignoring me one day. Hoping I would just go away. And I did.

And so, I would sit on that curb, and stare at my star. And I would cry. I thought that maybe the universe knew something that I didn't. I didn't know anything about religion or god. So there was nothing to pray to. I just stared and hoped that I would have some kind of understanding.

My second boyfriend was a curb kind of boyfriend. The Ego. He lied to me constantly. Betrayed my trust on a daily basis. But I always tried to be the cool girlfriend. I let him do whatever he wanted, so people didn't think I was typical. So he didn't think I was typical. I was always extremely laid back. I did whatever he asked, and when he didn't want me around, I relented. I would disappear in my bedroom until he came calling. This is the beginnings of what defines me in a relationship. I was told constantly that he was cheating on me, but I didn't think it was fair to make those kind of accusations unless I had undeniable proof. I was incredibly trusting. Even after I caught him in so many lies, I never punished him for it. After 4 years, I got a proposal when he was on his mission. But he came home early, and claimed that he didn't mean any of it. He was mentally not in the right place. And so I gave up.

I spent so much time on the curb when I was with him. I always thought if you were compassionate, understanding, trusting. It would be enough. But it wasn't. It was a way for a boy to have his cake and eat it too. I was so confused. And so I looked to the stars. Hoping still that they would tell me something.

Very soon after I met my third boyfriend. The Goof. That is such a terrible nickname. But to me it is complimentary. Because it was the reason I fell in love with him. He and I were perfect. I adored him and had such a blast. The relationship was full of honesty and trust. He included me in everything. It was such a change from my previous. But after a few years, he dumped me. While we were living together. I can't even remember why. I don't think there was any good reason. It was extremely hard living together and him starting to date. I went out constantly, so as not to deal with my living environment. I immediately fell for a very tall, very dark, handsome man. The Ex. He was married at the time though. We both spent a lot of time together, but we had agreed that nothing could happen until he left his wife. Which was about 8 months later. In the meantime, I still ended up moving back to my parents. And I still ended up on that curb. The confusion was building. The Goof had started to realize what he had lost, but The Ex was manipulative and jealous. He didn't like that he was married and had no control over our relationship, or the relationship I had with The Goof. And so he left his wife, and moved in with his brother. Soon, I was basically living with him at his brothers house.

We had a very long, tumultuous relationship. Filled with jealousy, anger and lies. On both ends. He made me feel bad about who I was. And so I disappeared. From my social life. From my friends. And so, as a need to cling to my old life, I kept in contact with The Goof. And I lied about it, because it would upset The Ex. I did this many times, over a period of years. And I can't justify it. But I felt it was the only way to keep sane. I have never fought or yelled like I did with The Ex. It was not who I was. After about 5 years of this, and after The Ex had met someone from his biker group. He asked me to move out. I moved in with a friend, because I couldn't bare to move back in with my parents again. But, the situation at that house became unbearable. And I caved and move in with my parents...again.

And I ended up on that fucking curb again. This time, just out of habit. Not expecting answers. I just did it, because that's what I always did. At this point, the stars have faded terribly. Except for mine. I knew what I had done wrong, but it was out of fear. And I spent an entire year trying to prove myself to The Ex. But he was busy with another woman. He still won't admit it, but it was a matter again of having his cake and eating it too. I made it damn easy for him.

I finally gave up. And I promised myself that the minute I decided to start dating again it would be over with The Ex and I. And when I told him he flipped. He said he wanted to prove himself to me. That he would change. But I had a year to get over him. I had 6 months on that damn curb, and I wasn't about to be there again.

So I met The Good Guy. And that was the beginning of this blog. He was sweet and kind, and protective. He wanted to take care of me. For the first time in the history of my dating, a boy genuinely wanted to take care of me. It was so nice. And comforting. But, as I have posted, it was over quickly. He worried I was a rebound. And I'm sure he was right. And I spent a ton of time on the curb. I thought I had done everything right. I was different. I'm not controlling, I'm not materialistic. I love taking care of people. I was the cool girlfriend again. And still it wasn't enough. It never seemed to be a loss for these boys until it was too late. And I wondered, what is the pattern? There has to be one.

I moved into an apartment downtown, and soon started dating The DJ. Which I have explained in more detail than I'm sure you would like. And here I am again. And I am avoiding that fucking curb like hell. Because, what has the universe told me? Except for, stop trying so damn hard, cause it doesn't mean shit. It sounds so pessimistic, and I hate that I have ended up that way. People keep telling me to stop focusing on pleasing other people. They have told me that I lose myself in relationships. But I don't know anything else. It's my nature. I feel like I have to change my core to be in a successful relationship. I have to lie to myself.

Even tonight, The DJ texted me saying he was depressed. That he has been partying a lot, but his self-confidence is waning. And I really want to tell him to fuck off. That he doesn't know the meaning of being depressed, because he's never had to take responsibility for being a selfish prick. But instead I was encouraging. I wanted to make him feel better. It's just who I am. And after being supportive, he stops texting and just ignores me. And I'm worse off for it.

And all I want to do is sit on that curb, and beg the universe for some damn answers. I don't know why, but I think I'm owed at least one.

Goodbye?

2010-07-06T23:44:00.000-07:00

How do you say goodbye?

Emotionally.

I miss everything. At night, I sit and think about every little thing I miss. Just going through my computer, I run across things that remind me of him. It makes it next to impossible to move on.

I've tried to file away everything I can, so as not to come across it. But then I come across The Goofy Movie. Which was one of his favorites. And he sang the entire movie as we watched it together. While I laughed the entire time. Pictures of us together. We had such a blast, and he was so proud of having me by his side. We'd sit in bed together, passing the vodka bottle back and forth. Sharing funny memes and videos. I'm trying so hard to move past this, but I swear something is wrong with me.

I can't let people go. I can't say goodbye. I just can't. I hate that it's so easy for him to let me go.

I keep looking at my phone. Even though I know he won't, and I know that he shouldn't. I keep waiting for him to text me. Just so I know that he's thinking about me. But he's not.

I just want the hurt to go away. I want the little crease in between my eyebrows to go away. I want to the aching in my chest to go away. I want to stop having to wipe my nose, and my eyes. I want to catch my breath for once. I want to forget about him.

So bad.

Distractions

2010-07-06T01:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't written for a while. I've been avoiding it.

All this pouring of emotions. I start to feel like it's too much. I'm too much.

I'm back in my parents house. I'm still adjusting. I can't really believe I'm back here again. I've been avoiding unpacking, because it just makes it real. This completele breakdown of my life.

A lot has happened with The DJ. Twice he has freaked out on me. I never imagined he would talk to me or treat me the way he has. But I know why he did. The first time was because I told him to leave me alone. And he flipped. He doesn't like it when the situation is out of his control. And he doesn't like to feel abandoned. But, like always, I apologized.

The second time was some Facebook bullshit, drama. And I honestly think that he was trying to justify in his mind why he broke up with me. He called me sneaky, and canniving. He was trying to turn me into the crazy ex-girlfriend. It hurt me so bad. It still hurts. I told him I would leave him alone, which he said I didn't have to do. But I have. I saw him once at my roomies place, and I pretty much gave him the cold shoulder.

He once told me that he wouldn't leave me alone. He would continue to contact me, and bother me when he was lonely. He might beg me to get back together with him. Until I lose it, and tell him to back off. But, he has left me alone. And I know him well enough, he found a distraction. A female distraction.

That's what I was when he first started dating me. A distraction from his last relationship. He doesn't know that I know this. And so, since I haven't heard from him late at night, I assume he is distracting himself with someone else.

It kills me.

I just wonder if he even cared about me. I know he never cared for me as much as I cared for him. It would hurt him more than this.

Consequences

2010-06-29T00:54:00.001-07:00

This week has been completely insane and overwhelming.

I keep trying to figure out what I should be doing in this situation. I have tried to avoid conflict. I've tried to not be irrational. I've honestly tried to be the best ex-girlfriend I can be and I've made it extremely easy.

Why do I do this?

His gas has been off for a week, and so I let him come over and shower everyday. He is in and out, like that. He will tell me he loves me when he leaves, and kisses me goodbye. And he's off on his adventures. His life without me. Since I've been letting him do this, he hasn't asked me to hang out. I figure he gets his tiny fix of me, and so he doesn't have to stress about his feelings of guilt or worry. And I let him do this.

I want him to suffer. I really do. Is that bad? I feel like it's awful to feel this way, and so I let him get away with everything.

But tonight, I kind of lost it. I told him I felt used. I told him that he dumped me and I still feel like I'm taking care of him. And of course he took offense. He doesn't need anyone to take care of him.

Bullshit.

Even though he makes a fuck ton of money now, and has his own means of transportation. He still needs people to do shit for him, cause he doesn't plan anything in advance. Before, I was the one running back and forth to his work to bring him rolaids, or I would quickly go get beer or booze before the liquor store closed. I would go to the asian market and get him kimchi. And after he broke up with me, before I deleted my facebook, I saw that he was asking on his wall if anyone would go get him beer. He needs people, out of laziness. And he doesn't want to admit it.

So, I am weak. And I can't help but want to take care of him. But, I have asked my Dad to help me get the rest of my things out of my apartment tomorrow, so I won't be able to help him with the shower thing. And I absolutely will not be the girl who comes to his rescue anymore. Even when he calls just out of purely being lonely. He's still using me when it's convenient for him. And I'm not doing this for myself, although I think it will be good for me.

I'm doing it so this kid has to feel the pain. So he has to take some kind of responsibility. So there are some consequences to his actions. I want him to suffer, so he can at least learn something. So he knows what he's losing.

After he added me on Twitter, just so he can see what I'm up to. He started linking his Facebook posts to Twitter. And one thing he wrote made me so goddamn angry.

'I must be coated in Teflon. I can make the worst decisions in the world and I never see a consequence.'

That is about to end.

Flaws

2010-06-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

Today was not what I needed. At all. It's kind of brought me back to feeling awful.

After The Ex, I promised myself that I would do things differently. That I would be honest, I would try to be a better person. More understanding, more compassionate. Try to focus on my strengths. I promised myself that I wouldn't let my petty emotions ruin something good. The only time I would bring up any issues is if was important...significant.

And I honestly thought I had done better. Although I struggle with some things. I felt like a lot more of a balanced person.

But every time I hang out with The DJ, I feel like a bad person. I know it's not what he means. But he keeps ramming it down my throat how pessimistic I am. I feel bad for myself all the time, I don't take responsibility for my actions. And the one thing he said, that just keeps echoing in my head.

I'm needy.

That one kind of hurt. I know I'm co-dependent, but only because I loved being around him so much. And so, I sit here thinking that I spent so much time trying to focus and show my strengths to compensate for the things I struggle with. And it always comes down to those flaws in the end. Even after he broke up with me, I bit my tongue. I saw no point in making him feel bad. I don't like doing that.

I think he truly thinks he's doing me a favor. Bringing it to my attention. But there are just some things I can't change about myself. I try, I really do. But I just think there are some core things in people's personalities that you just can't escape. Maybe that's just me making excuses for myself. Maybe all of this is true. Maybe this blog is just one giant way to feel sorry for myself. I don't know.

I do know that I absolutely do not trust any of that group, or my roomie with my feelings anymore. They all take these situations and use them as entertainment. Gossip. The more I get to know these people, the more I am so happy I have the friends and family I have. They have been nothing but kind, and not once did they ever take this opportunity to put me down.

A year ago I had really come to terms with who I was. And I was kind of proud of that. I was almost happy with myself. But now, the confusion is just swirling. Just another flaw, allowing people to affect how I see myself.

Starting Over

2010-06-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

So, after reading my lovely friend's new blog, it has been decided I am a terrible writer. Add to it the constant whiny tone. I can't imagine that the few of you who come to my blog, would decide to come back.

And so, I will try to be more thoughtful, and insightful. And I will try not to use that same damn words all the time.

I was doing a little better lately. Until, I found out I didn't get my dream job. I was told that there were a lot of people more qualified. And then, as I immediately got back to looking for jobs, I saw the same position re-listed on Craigslist that day. It was a little devastating, if I can be dramatic for a moment. And all I can think is that my old job is screwing me over. I can't think of any other reason. And so, I think I am going to try to re-work my resume, and do my best to not include them. Or at least make it impossible to get in contact with them. It seems dishonest, but I've been out of work for almost 5 months. And I don't like that they are making it impossible to gain any sort of employment. Again I am making assumptions. But I have no other insight on the situation.

Okay, so that's the boring information. I have hung out with The DJ again since the first encounter. And it went pretty much the same way. A lot of conversation about our relationship. About me as a girlfriend. A lot of tears. On both ends. He told me that I was perfect, that I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had. I really don't want to get into my thought process at the moment. Because I have mentioned what kind of person he is. And even though he might been lucky enough to come across the love of his life, that's not important to him. Life to him is about spontaneity, and having fun. Living momentarily. But, I know he will regret it. Anyway, there was a lot of back and forth. I told him that I would never get back together with him, I just could never trust that he wouldn't do the same thing. Later, I told him that I was just trying to memorize all of these little moments because they will go away soon. To which he responded, I'm not the one who said I would never get back together with you. I looked at him confused, and said, it's not like you would get back together with me. And he pauses, and looks at me seriously. 'Just get your shit together.'

This is trouble. I took that as it was conditional, that if I 'get my shit together' he will want to get back with me. And everything in me screams to run. But, there is that little part that says, I would love to spend my life with him. I always imagined saving for a while, and traveling the world together.

I will get my shit together. But not for him. As sad as I am, I keep getting little glimpses of what it will feel like to start over. It has been overwhelming, and daunting getting started. But it's a little exciting. It's going to be a new life. And if I try as hard as I can to do whatever it takes, I know in a year or so, my life will be great. I think about after I get out of this place, and I get rid of my car. I can just work and save. And soon after that, I can be out of debt. And possibly get a little place of my own downtown. And decorate it like I have always dreamed. And it will be me and my cat. And possibly someone else who is lovely. And who loves me.

Inspiration

2010-06-21T02:25:00.000-07:00

The show Sex and the City was very much an inspiration for this blog. I liked the narrative. The idea of working through life being single, especially at my age. And writing about it was something I thought would not only be therapeutic, but a reminder of lessons I should learn. Being honest about the entire experience. Good and bad.

I just watched the second movie. And I won't get into how fucking ridiculous it was. That is a completely different subject. Good god was it bad.

Anyway, it's sometimes really easy to choose to write about certain things. Accomplishments, pitfalls, heartbreak. But it becomes really easy to pick and choose what truths you want revealed. Not only to my humble audience, but to myself.

And so, I was going to skip this one.

And then I decided, if I'm going to write on this blog. If I'm going to choose to be candid and honest about my life, I shouldn't skip the bad parts. I can't ignore my moments of weakness.

And so, I was weak. And yes...drunk. And I went to see The DJ last night.

As I walked up to his house. He sitting on a chair at the porch. And he had his squinty eyes on. Which means he was equally as drunk. When I was walking there, I picked a flower for him, and handed it to him, not realizing there was a giant wad of dirt hanging from the bottom. I pulled the entire root out. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know.

We hugged, and we spoke a lot. There was a lot to be said. He wanted me to know that the break-up was entirely his fault. His thing, as he put it. And he told me I was the best girlfriend he has ever had. That I am a special girl. I told him I knew why he broke up with me. And I had a feeling that he would eventually do it. I cried, quite a bit. He played some music for me, and we laughed a lot. And it was like how when we first met. I missed that so much.

I missed him so much.

Was it the best thing to do? Probably not. But, I feel...better. A lot of the sadness just kind of disappeared. I don't know what it means. And I'm trying not to focus on what it means.

I wrote the whole experience down in my journal. Because a lot of things are just too personal. I just want to remember it, because it seemed pretty significant. It was two adults, being honest about ourselves and what we want.

And I just have to say. After a breakup you say things to close friends, that make someone seem worse than they really are. Because of that stinging bitterness. But I just want to put this in writing. I will defend that boy to the ends of the earth. Because even though people say how terrible he was for me. How they didn't like him, or trust him. I absolutely adore him. And he has his flaws, just as much as I have mine. He IS a good person, and he took care of me the best way he could.

I am standing by that.

Whoa

2010-06-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

I have re-written this post about three times. I keep trying to think how it would make me feel if I was the other person, and came across it. Which completely defeats the purpose of this blog.

But I still try and have a little class.

Some things were texted to me last night. From The DJ. I almost posted the entire conversation, but I know I've seen things like that posted from friends. And I always thought to myself 'I can't believe they would be so personal'.

I knew that sooner or later he would get this way. Lonely and drunk. And it was a matter if I was strong enough to resist. And I did. He called and apologized today. And I apologized for calling him terrible. Even though he really was being terrible. We spoke for a moment about how things were going. And it was somewhat uncomfortable. Hopefully it won't be so uncomfortable in the future. And that is that. I guess.

As much as it hurts right now, and I was going to give in, because I miss him so much. I didn't. And I'm pretty damn proud of myself. Sad, but proud.

The First Date

2010-06-18T23:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm writing way too damn much. But, I like to get this shit out while it's fresh on my mind.

I went on the date with Mr. Folds. And he is a solid guy. Funny, sweet, charming. He took me to eat middle eastern food for the first time. And it was surprisingly delicious. I let him pick what we ate, and we just shared. Potatoes and green beans. Oooh, it was so good. We talked a bit about our histories. He has not been married, and no kids. Which I was surprised about. And of course, because it's still very fresh. I talked about the whole situation with The DJ.

Then we met his friends at an art gallery next door and looked at some artwork. Some damn expensive artwork they considered buying. I'm talking 500 dollars for a tiny painting. Then we were off to meet more friends at The Dodo for drinks. He and his friends are hilarious and vulgar. Just the way I like it. I'm glad I didn't have to hold back, because they certainly didn't.

But as the night progressed. I got increasingly sad and anxious. I can't explain it. I'm still trying to figure it out. And I just kind of came to the conclusion that maybe it's still too soon.

He could absolutely tell. We talked a bit more before he dropped me off in his car. And I knew he could tell. I told him that I didn't even realize I wasn't ready until I was right in the middle of it. He completely understood. And he seems very genuine. I actually do like him, and I think he will be someone that I will hang out with again soon. He has his shit together and is doing well in life. Which isn't something I've experienced for a long time. An actual grown up. But I don't have my shit together. Right now, I'm thinking I just need my friends, and some good cuddling occasionally.

Ugh

2010-06-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

Things have been getting better. I think...

I had an interview for my dream job today. It's exactly what I used to do at my old job. Minus the photography. It went really well, and I knew exactly what I was doing. So I'm really, really, really hoping I get it. It's excellent money and really laid back. She seemed almost embarrassed about the pay they were offering. I was like, WHAT?? That's fine...fine! I will hopefully find out on Monday. I can't wait!

So, in other news. I am going on a date tonight, with the dude I met at E11. I spoke to him on the phone for a bit yesterday. And he seems very sweet. He is quite the talker. But that's good, cause I like listening.

The thing though. I hinted in my last post about some concerns. He is quite a bit older than me. He doesn't look it, and he certainly didn't act it. So, I'm kind of unsure if this should be an issue. When I mention it to my friends, jaws drop. I guess I shouldn't care quite yet. We haven't even been out, and I keep thinking of things that could possibly go wrong. *must suppress pessimistic urges*

The anxiousness has not subsided. It is driving me crazy. I have a constant pain in my chest and stomach. And I just feel nervous all the time. I am hoping that it goes away soon, because I absolutely do not eat. I have been living off the same bag of chips and salsa for the past 2 weeks. I hate that feeling more than anything, and I'm not sure how to get rid of it. Blerg.

Well...

2010-06-16T23:52:00.000-07:00

I have been quite the whiner since the breakup. I am well aware. And thanks to everyone who has put up with it. I'm kind of letting the emotions flow as they come. And even though it's kind of annoying to go back and read, I am glad I did it. Night time has been particularly difficult. Because it was when I spent time with The DJ. I haven't quite known what to do with myself, especially since I'm kind of a prisoner in my own room.

So, I am going to try to move past all the personal feelings. Although I am sure they will re-surface from time to time.

Right now, I am thinking about how to approach the whole dating thing again.

Am I ready?

*shrugs*

I am going to anyway. I started off after The Ex deciding to be a lot pickier. Which didn't work. So I figured I would let up, and kind of go with the flow. Try not to force things. And that's how I met and started to date The DJ. Which didn't work either.

I get caught up in formulas, and try to balance that with advice I get from friends. Should I be pickier, or should I take more chances? Is there really a middle ground? Everyone keeps telling me to just go about my life, and I will find someone unexpectedly. But I have a hard time believing that's the way it works. And even if I manage to find someone that way, I am starting to be really pessimistic about things lasting. After all the experiences I have had, I am trying with all my might to not be bitter or jaded.

I have the opportunity to go out on a date with someone I met at the Utah burn. And I am pretty damn scared because of certain factors. I won't mention them yet, because I'm not even sure that I will be going out with him. But, as the dating thing progresses, not only do I worry about my own personal issues with experiences in the past. But I am thinking that societal issues might become something I am going to have to confront. And I am just overwhelmed with the idea of even being single again.

I guess we will see.

Love

2010-06-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

'Now I poured my heart out, it evaporated...see?'

I deleted my last post, because it was all just trivial bullshit. Phone calls, texts, Facebook. Day to day things that mean nothing. And I don't need to remember them.

There are better things I could be writing about. More important things.

I keep watching Ben Folds 'Evaporated' over and over. And I just keep crying. I listen to this song after every heartbreak. Maybe it's not the best thing to watch, but I just keep doing it.

I went through and organized all the old pictures, so I didn't have to see them everytime I had to browse for something. And so, I continued to organize. And found an old document that he wrote on Reddit about us falling in love. I saved it, because it was the most amazing thing ever. It's a little too personal to post here. But, it talked about how falling in love feels like the both of us against the world.

And I just completely broke down.

I have no understanding of going from that, to talking about getting blow jobs on Facebook. I understand that people's feeling change. But because of it happening so quickly, I feel like I was lied to.

And so I start to question if unconditional love is even a possibility. I know I spoke about my parents relationship. But is that just tolerating each other, or just comfort? What is it? What makes it so damn important?

Why is it so important to me?

I have told every person that I've ever been with, the only thing I want or need in life, is to have someone love me as much as I love them. That's it.

It seems like the most simple thing on the planet. But everyone's feelings change so rapidly. I can't keep up.

At this moment. After thinking I had found a partner. Someone that I had so much in common with, someone who I got along with so well, I never fought with. Someone who I believed so much that he loved me as equally. And now, nothing.

Right now, I just give up.

Class

2010-06-14T23:19:00.000-07:00

You are a jerk. Right now, you are a jerk.

Ugh!

I would never post the things that you post.

If you ever see this. I can't believe you. It's starting to make things a lot easier though.

Way to be classy.

6/10/10

2010-06-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

I am in the desert at 7 in the morning. I've started drinking already, managing a good buzz. And of course I think about you.

I woke up in a tent with 3 people. All trying to cuddle and possibly do more. And I just don't want anyone to touch me.

As I sit here by myself, drinking vodka. The light trying to peak through the clouds, I wonder what you are doing. You are probably with a girl, I assume. Most likely partying. I keep thinking about texting you. I don't know what I would say.

I would say I miss you.

I'm overcome with sadness. I don't want any of these people. I want you.

I don't know why I'm even writing this like I am speaking to you. You will never see it. I thought about showing it to you when things were good. I thought it might be special. The story of us meeting, and eventually falling in love. I'm glad I didn't. I guess it feels better to think that I'm talking to you. It's been over a week since I've spoken to you, and it feels strange. All of these things that I want to say so badly, but I'm way too caught up in not making things uncomfortable.

It's strange without you. It doesn't feel like real life. Everyday has become a blur.

C'est la vie, right?

Evaporated

2010-06-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

Revelation

2010-06-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

A short one, something I just wanted to write quickly.

As I was speaking to The Ex yesterday. He had asked me if I had talked to The DJ at all. I told him that we spoke briefly on the phone. And we exchanged words on Facebook before I deleted it. But after that, nothing.

He seemed surprised by this. He said that usually within a day or two, I would be begging him to get back together with me. That was how it always when he and I were together.

And today, I suddenly thought, that's true. It is unlike myself to not even attempt to contact him. Especially since I miss him so much. And he seemed to at least want to keep a friendship. When I spoke to him on the phone, he said he wanted to go to lunch sometime. I think after I deleted my facebook, he probably took that as a sign of me not wanting to have anything to do with him.

And honestly, I don't right now. I think the healthiest thing is for us to keep things seperate until the hurt goes away. It has taken everything in me not to text or call. But I know it would just make me feel worse. I don't want to be that ex-girlfriend, the one that ends up at the same places just to 'conveniently' run into each other. And make him uncomfortable.

For the first time, I feel like I'm doing what's best for me in the long run, instead of what will momentarily make feel better. I'm kind of proud of myself. I didn't think I was being strong at all, but maybe there is a tiny bit of strength left in me after all.

Anyway, off for a weekend trip with some friends. It will be nice to get away and be distracted. I am keeping my journal with me, I know there are going to be plenty of reasons to write.

The Ex II

2010-06-10T01:09:00.000-07:00

Ahh, The Ex.

Reminder, he was before The DJ, before The Good Guy. He was my 6 year relationship. Very painful, tumultuous relationship. An even more painful, very long breakup. He and I struggled weekly to get along. He was very jealous, controlling, manipulative. In response to my dishonesty. He has been mentioned on this blog occasionally.

He was a great guy, but a terrible boyfriend.

He has spoken to my dad recently. My dad does upholstery, and he was in need of fixing up barstools. Words were exchanged, about me. My dad mentioned that I was jobless, and struggling. And so The Ex tried to contact me. At first I was extremely reluctant. I was still with The DJ, and I worried that it would make things complicated. And that he still might not be over the whole situation.

But, The DJ dumped me. And The Ex kept trying to get a hold of me. He wanted to know how our cat was doing. And also he wanted some advice on social networking. I still avoided it, because I was in no mood to speak with anyone really. I was, and still am drowning myself in booze.

But, today. I gave in. I called him, and immediately poured my guts out. He insisted that he come over. That it might be good to have a shoulder. And I gave in.

And it was...nice. I always love when enough time has passed, and you can speak like old friends. Talk about what has been going on. Laugh about moments shared. It's always a relief to me to not have to avoid each other. I can actually set aside bad feelings, and just talk like two human beings. He seems to be doing a lot better than when I last spoke to him. Which is an even bigger relief. I always wished him success and happiness. And he is getting there. His oldest is driving and has a boyfriend. He is friends with ex-wifes fiance. And he seems stable. We talked about our dating lives. Which was a little strange. He showed me pictures of the very young, very gorgeous girls he has been dating.

He was somewhat flirtatious, which I mentioned to him. But, sometimes when you see someone for the first time, you kind of fall back into old habits without even realizing. He slapped my butt when I walked past him, and didn't even think about it for the first few seconds. And then I kind of laughed, and asked 'Did you really just do that?'

I forgot what a sweet person he was. It's so easy to get caught up in being bitter. And maybe he has intentions that I'm not ready for. But it was really good to see him.

And so, one more on the list that I can say are still my friends. I'm kind of proud of that.

Hate

2010-06-09T11:22:00.000-07:00

I was feeling better yesterday. I woke feeling miserable.

I have this burning in my chest. I can't stop crying.

I keep imagining him with other girls. I know he has already been with them. One thing I know about him is that he doesn't like to be alone and wrapped up in his own thoughts. He likes distractions. And if he misses one girl, he will simply replace it with another. I hate that I know this.

I hate that I know he will barely miss me. I hate knowing that he will be better off without me.

I hate that he knows enough about me, to know that I am struggling right now. And I hate that the only thing he feels for me is pity. I don't want him to know anything about me anymore.

I can't eat, I keep drinking so I can sleep.

And for him, his life goes on like I never existed.

Me

2010-06-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

So, I have spent an enormous amount of time memorizing what I love about The DJ, and what made him happy. And maybe it's about time to think about myself, and what I love. It might be healthy, yes? *shrugs*

I love spaghetti, and chips and salsa, and McDonalds. I've been told I eat like a 5 year old. But, I don't really care. To add to the immaturity, I love cartoons. Spongebob, Flapjack, Avatar, Foster's. I also love Futurama, Metalocalypse, The Venture Brothers, Fooly Cooly.

I love Tori Amos, Nine Inch Nails, Ben Folds, Beck, Mindless Self Indulgence. I have an obsession with The Smiths, and Joy Division. Morrissey and Ben Folds have helped me survive a lot of breakups. I am extremely picky about music. I haven't followed any new music in a while. I have just followed the people and bands that I love for years.

I have danced since I was 3. And it has been my passion and release as long as I can remember. Going to the club and dancing has been my happiness. Everytime I have issues or frustration, I head to the club and spend a good few hours dancing it off.

I love artwork, and sculptures. And I absolutely love interior design. I have a fascination with making a house, a home. Especially if it involves me being creative, and having a restrictive budget. Someday I hope to be an interior designer. I love retro fashion, and I've been told by my roomie that my sense of fashion is called 'grannie'. I love florals, antique hats and cloches, vintage shoes. Anything that contains any sense of history.

I love making people pretty. I wish I knew how to paint in photoshop, and I've been teaching myself photomanipulation. I also love drawing portraits. Especially retro portraits of old hollywood. I've drawn pictures of Jean Harlow, Lauren Bacall and Ginger Rogers. I don't draw very often, because I am a perfectionist, and I get easily frustrated when I'm not satisfied with the end product. I've never thought that portrait drawing made me an artist. Because it never required any creativity. I call it copying.

I love movies. I keep up with all of the upcoming films. Although I am extremely picky in what I chose to see. I love comedies, foreign and independent films. My favorite movie is Oldboy. Closely followed by SLC Punk and Amelie. I adore Roger Ebert, Patrick Stewart, Richard Dawkins, and Zach Galifianakis. I love the combination of intelligence and humor. Although humor is my weakness. If you can make me laugh, I will love you forever.

I hope that people think I am smart, and clever, and compassionate. But of course, you never really truly know what people think of you. You can only try to be the best person you can, and hope that people see it. I hope you do.

Responsibility

2010-06-08T04:56:00.000-07:00

I just keep writing and writing. I can't stop. My thoughts are swirling with a million things I want to say to everyone.

I am sluggish. I find myself walking slower, even typing slower. I'm kind of losing faith. It isn't just the breakup. It's these entire past 3 months that have been piling it on. Everyone says 'when it rains, it pours'. But it seems a little ridiculous at this point.

And so I have to question it logically. It all could have been prevented. I need to take responsibility for the pitfalls in my life.

I had a great job for 3 years. Something I loved to do. And I probably could have continued there if I had worked harder. But I met The DJ, and his schedule was different than mine. I would stay at his place, and he would keep me up until all hours. He made me happy, and he was always excited to have me around. Again, not placing blame, I just made a choice. And it was obviously the wrong one. I would show up late because I had been up all night. And my performance was terrible because of how tired I was. And so, they let me go. I will say that towards the end, they gave me a review, and told me what to improve on. It seemed they were giving me a second chance. And I was not about to fuck it up. But they fired me two days after the review.

I was going to get decent unemployment. But my work decided to appeal the decision. This was very upsetting to me, because I worked really hard at my job. I was the only one willing to work overtime when it wasn't required. And it seemed like a huge betrayal. So for two months I didn't have any means of income while the appeals process was going through. In the end, it was still decided in my favor, because my employers were being obviously shady. But the damage had been done. I kept up on my rent, because I didn't want my roomie to have to stress. I even lied about not having a job, because The DJ had told me not to bother her with this information. It would just upset her. But my car payments got extremely far behind.

And so, as time passed, the company that financed my car lost patience. I have already paid for the car, but finance charges and late fees brought me up to almost 10,000 dollars more than what I agreed to pay. So, I have decided to drive it until they take it. And so I am constant fear of walking to my car and it not being there anymore. To add to the stress, I have an outstanding ticket I have not been able to clear up. Not to mention outstanding parking tickets from last spring, because I couldn't afford to get my car registered. And so I have a warrant. I could go on about the car issues, but I won't.

Then, I lost my part-time job. Something I was able to do at home. It wasn't any fault of my own at least. He just decided to stop investing time in his business. And I at least got a decent laptop out of it.

Soon after, my roomie found out I didn't have a job. And so she told me that after our lease was up, she would want to find her own place. Completely understandable. I told her that I had two more months of unemployment, so she wouldn't have to hurry to find her own place. But, as said in the previous post, she couldn't handle our differing sleep schedules. I had talked to my parents about moving in with them after The DJ broke up with me. They were very insistent that I leave this entire scene, and start anew. But, I hated the idea of always having to fall back on that. I was clinging to my independence. But, right now. Maybe a fresh start isn't so bad.

I look back at all of this, and it's so easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for myself. But honestly, it could have been avoided. And now, I face some serious, life changing decisions. I am heartbroken, and pretty much devastated right now in terms of how my life is, and how I always expected it to be. But I have an amazing support system.

My parents.

I couldn't be luckier that I have them. And that they still love and support me through all the bad decisions I've made. And even my oldest friends have been coming out of the woodworks to be encouraging. I don't usually believe in luck. But goddamn, I lucked out with them. I hope they feel the same about me. If only I chose my men like I choose my friends. I would be so much happier.

Also, to those of you who have taken the time to read this blog, friends and strangers. Thank you so, so much. When I get caught up in a relationship, I spend all of my time taking care of him, and I become less supportive of my friends than I should be. I appreciate you sticking around and showing me your love more than anything.

Deleted

2010-06-08T04:26:00.000-07:00

After not being strong enough to not look at his posts, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. It hurts too damn much to see that he is hooking up with girls. Even if I delete him, I see his friends posting about things. And so, done with that for a while.

Also, at 4:30 in the morning, my roomie told me she doesn't want to live with me anymore. I fall asleep with shows on, because the noise comforts me. And I guess it was too loud. So, it looks like I will be moving back in with my parents.

I keep telling myself that things can only get better. But it just isn't working out that way. I can't figure out if I should just disappear or not. What would be the best option for me? I need friends, but I'm not brave enough to bother anyone in my worst moments.

I'm not giving up yet.

Damn you Disney

2010-06-07T21:03:00.001-07:00

Trivialities

2010-06-07T20:24:00.000-07:00

"Little things, used to mean so much to Shelly. I used to think they were kind of trivial. . . believe me, nothing is trivial." - The Crow

Some of you that actually know me will probably laugh at my choice of quotes. I was obsessed with that movie growing up. I still have the entire thing memorized to this day. I watched it again recently, after not seeing it for many years. It is extremely cheesy, and there is some bad acting. But I still actually cried watching it. The reason I loved it so much, was because of how much he loved her. He would go through anything to avenge her, because of that unquestionable love. Him remembering every special moment, every movement, every breath. When you lose something, it becomes very romanticised in your head. It becomes kind of a death. At least in my mind.

And so, everywhere I go, I catch myself getting upset over the tiny things that remind me of him. I was at the grocery store, and I kept getting choked up because of soy sauce. I would say to myself 'Oh, he loved putting soy sauce in everything.' 'Shit, he loved chicken wings.' 'Oh man, sandwiches were his favorite.'

The roomie wanted to go to a particular restaurant The DJ and I frequented. Right before he dumped me, we went there 4 days in a row. And I just couldn't. I feel retarded, but I know everyone shares something special with their significant other. Every couple has their 'thing'. Unfortunately, we had a lot of 'things'. And although they seem so trivial, and I feel stupid for dwelling on them. That's what I've always loved about relationships. Those little things you shared together. They mean everything to me.

Soon enough, I won't think about them as much. I won't think about him as much. But, right now I'm on the internet. And even that was our 'thing'. There is just no escape.

Day 6

2010-06-07T16:14:00.000-07:00

I have gone through two half gallons of alcohol. I guess that is pretty damn self-destructive and overly dramatic. Why is this one so hard?

Last night I hung out with one of my oldest friends. The Drummer. I went to a house party, and hung out with a lot of people I didn't know. Except of course, there were a few connections with The DJ. I had quite a few beers, loosened up and had a pretty good time.

I've know The Drummer for about 15 years. He is the younger brother of my first boyfriend. I have kept in touch with the both of them, and I adore them. About a year ago, The Drummer and I had a one night kind of thing. Just kissing, but it was immediately after my long relationship with The Ex. Nothing became of it. He went on tour, and when he came back I saw him occasionally.

So, he invited me last night. And I went, knowing that there were possibilities of at least a distraction. And he slept at my house last night. Nothing physical happened, though I know it could have if I wanted. Just cuddling, which I'm comfortable with for now. But we were supposed to go to breakfast with his friends the next day, and suddenly I just felt sick. I just asked if I could drop him off.

This lingering feeling of loss is making it impossible for me to function. It's still just too soon.

The DJ messaged me today. Asking what I have been up to. And of course, because I am intoxicated I spout off. I don't understand why he even cares. I see his stupid posts on facebook, and I tell him I hate seeing that he is having the time of his life right now. And all he keeps saying is 'I'm sorry.'

Needs

2010-06-05T14:49:00.001-07:00

I know, I have been posting a lot. But I have a lot of time on my hands, and so I have been thinking a lot. I really don't talk much to my friends. I don't like to. I feel like people have enough issues and stresses in their lives to hear about mine. And so I feel guilty rambling about my heartbreak.

My roomie, who happens to be The DJ's best friend, has talked to me a little. She told me that I shouldn't be so self-destructive. I have managed to stay drunk for pretty much the past 4 days straight. It helps my anxiety, and the constant pain in my chest. I told her that I realize I am being dramatic. It's just my way of coping for the moment. With no job, I have no means of distraction. And so numbness is just what I need right now.

And so is this blog.

When my relationships end, I have a tendency to dwell on the things I will be missing out on. All the wonderful moments shared, are no longer. The late night trips for snacks at the grocery store. Sitting on the bed, surfing the internets together. His hands rubbing against my back every so often. Sharing a flask at the movies. Oh, man there were a lot of good things with this one.

But, I forget all the hurt. The heartbreak. The reasons I should probably be glad that is over sooner than later. I see a post on Facebook about how he has had an amazingly fun time these past two days. While I drown myself in rum, and wadded tissues are scattered across my bed. Mascara has been completely useless, and kind of painful. My eyes are swollen.

And I mutter out loud 'I hate you'. Right now, I am remembering how I hated that you wouldn't even look at me when I was leaving. I am angry at how selfish you are. How you knew that I would do anything for you, knowing that you would never love or care about anyone more than you loved yourself. You took advantage of that. And to make me feel like it was my fault that the relationship is ending. You said I didn't try hard enough to find a job, or that I didn't try hard enough to lose weight. You couldn't admit that you just wanted to be single. Or that now it's summer, and you have your own means of transportation, and you don't need me anymore. Not to mention the lies you told me. Conveniently surfacing from your close friends. Maybe that's a harsh accusation. But yours were just as harsh.

I need to hate you right now. I don't want to.

Drunken Postings III

2010-06-05T00:48:00.000-07:00

I went to see my Mom and Dad today. I went to take pictures of my sister's kids as a surprise for her for her birthday. She has 3 beautiful children. Her and her husband got married very young. I think she was 19. Around 20 , I remember her saying that they were trying for kids. I wanted to kill her. I remember when she first told me when she was pregnant. I specifically remember saying 'You're joking, right?'

I look back and feel awful about that reaction. She was my little sis. I thought at the time it was just way too soon. I was so damn protective of her. She is my only sibling. Even though she spent a lot of her adolescence hating me. I adored her. I would do anything for her. My mom always would say how I was so protective of her when growing up. She was a spoiled little shit, but mainly because I would let her have her way, all the time. She hated losing, and so I would let her win. I would want the doll with the blue dress, but if she even mentioned wanting it, I would give it up just so she would be happy. I even remember watching soap operas with her and the babysitter, and we had a game where we would call which boys we would get. Of course, everyone called the hunky Justin, but my sister was insistent that he was hers, and I was stuck with eye-patch Steven. Oh, man I'm rambling. Where was I going with this?

Oh yes. My little sis, she has the life that I never thought I wanted. And for a while, I warmed up to it. The idea of having a little family.

But with The DJ, it was impossible. He didn't like the idea of marriage. He definitely didn't want kids. And because I loved him so much, I convinced myself that I didn't want it either. I still don't know what I want.

But tonight, hanging out with my parents. They have been together for 30 years! They got married at 17 and 18, my mom pregnant with me. I asked my Dad a long time ago if they got married because of me. And he said no. That they were already planning on getting married, I just sped up the process.

And these days, I see so many young people getting divorces, sometimes more than one. With kids. And I wonder, is it even possible to have what my parents, and even my grand-parents had? Is this generation just so distracted and selfish that the possibility of having that 30th anniversary, or even 50th? Does it have to do with religion, or is it generational?

I feel so old-fashioned in wanting that. I'm not the type of person to want to move on to new things constantly. I like stability, I like to know that I have the person I trust and love more than anyone by my side all the time. Is that too much to ask?

I worry for my sister, and I hope more than anything that she's happy. And I hope that her relationship lasts. As liberal as I am, I like the idea of marriage. I feel like it should give people a reason to fight for each other. I like the idea of coming out on the other end loving each other even more. Am I naive in thinking that exists?

Moments

2010-06-04T20:58:00.000-07:00

As I lie here, in my own bed. More times than I have in the past few months. I look at my kitty, sleeping so peacefully.

I get caught up in which way I'm supposed to be laying. I usually sleep on my right side, with my arm raised above my head, and one leg up. I used to move as close as I could to the edge of the bed, so you had plenty of room. You, with your pillow in between the both of us. I used to hate that pillow separating us. But it became the norm, and as everyone knows, eventually the norm becomes comfort.

Before you would fall asleep, you would run your fingers through the back of my hair while you were still looking on the internet. I always waited for this. I was always awake when you did it. And our feet would rub against each others. It was something that I waited for at the end of the night, every night.

Sometimes you would scratch my legs with your toenails, and poke my eye while I was sleeping. I would always get upset, but you knew that I loved the attention. You would always say that someday you are going to miss me annoying you. And I do.

You would speak to me long after I had fallen asleep. Some random video you had seen, or some strange fact you had just found out. And I would ask the next day why you would wake me up for such things. And your response was always 'I was bored.'

It has only been two days, and you were right. Everything you did to annoy me, to get my attention. I miss it. More than anything.

I know this is an extremely personal thing to post. And I'm sure I will regret it. But, for the moment, I need people to know, set aside all the drama, the hearsay. Lies something so simple, and yet so complicated. Something that I wish would disappear, and something that I hope never goes away. Those teeny tiny moments that will be part of me for the rest of my life. I will never let them go.

Never.

I knew this day would come

2010-06-01T14:58:00.001-07:00

Sooner or later, I did.

Things have been hard, I can't find a damn job. I'm going to lose my car. And because of these things, I have been extremely depressed.

And The DJ broke up with me because of that.

He said we are going completely different directions in life. He got a nice job at the strip club. He's making a ton of money. And I'm on the down swing. And he says I make him sad. He said he had been thinking about it for a long time.

And I am sad. But, I had him. And the one thing I was good at was taking care of him. I am sad, because we got along so well. I had so much fun with him. He made me laugh. I had so many plans, I had figured out some awesome things for his birthday. And no more...it's over.

But I will not fret too much. Because I know it's going to change. And things can only get better.

And I know I will find that someone. I know I will.
If you're out there, come find me.

(I have chosen to publish posts from months past. I kept writing as a means to vent.)

2010-05-25T00:44:00.000-07:00

Temporary...

I usually blog in my head, all the time. I know exactly how I feel, and I put it so well when I'm reciting it to myself. And then, I start to write. Poof... gone.

Is life just a series of phases? Jobs, homes, people. I have aways latched onto people. I have a lot of friends, in many different circles. But there are very few people that I trust, that are worth the time to track down. And to make sure that we continue this friendship. And sometimes they have to track me down. A few of these close friends are my exes. Because I care so much for them, that I refuse to let them go. Unless we don't have anymore common ground (like the Ex) I must keep them. And they come and go, but I always make sure to know where they are. I have lost some very close friends in the past, and it seemed just as bad as a break-up. I hate losing people. And as long as they will let me, I will forever be part of their lives.

I like the idea of this consistency. This permanence.

As long as I have these people, the ones that I worked so hard to keep in my life. Then the temporary, the changes don't seem so bad. It's been called dependency issues. But I don't think of it as an issue.

The DJ has hinted that he sees everything as temporary. A defense mechanism for how scattered his childhood was. He always tells me that if things don't work out, he knows everything will be okay. It almost sounds in my head that it really isn't if in his mind...but when. He tells me that he knows that nothing lasts forever. He has spoken about wanting to move to Vegas. And how that it isn't that big of a deal to lose his friends, he knows he can find more. But I know his group of friends. This scene where all of these people just use each other because everyone else who is of worth disappears. I know I probably would if I didn't have such an attachment to The DJ. Yes, they are fun to party with, they are up for anything. But I don't trust any of them. Not even to have a meaningful conversation, for fear that it would be used against me. I'm probably being a little harsh, but many of them have proven time and again that they are only concerned with themselves. People who were never forced to grow up.

I guess I am getting off track. This idea, this way of life. It works for him. Who am I to judge? We both grew up very differently, and had exact opposite lives. If this is how he copes, then why should I be upset? Because, he isn't temporary to me. When I choose to be with someone, I put my whole heart into making them happy. And as lame as this sounds, I really do sacrifice a lot of my wants and needs because those are the things that are temporary to me. And I hate the idea of trying so hard to be the best I can, and work for a relationship to be just temporary to him.

I told him that what scares me about his way of life, is that if people are expendable, then there is no point in fighting to keep them around. And he says to me that that's not the way it works for him. He does what he wants, and I can choose to follow him or not.

And so, I can choose to be with him, and know that if things get hard...it's the curb. And as long as I cooperate, I can be a part of the ride...I think for now, it's worth it to enjoy the ride for as long as I can. Because I really do love him.

What he doesn't realize is me choosing to join him, is my way of keeping him in my life. He is already someone that as long as he will let me, I will be part of his life in whatever way I can. It sounds terrible, but I really wouldn't have it any other way.

2010-05-06T19:04:00.000-07:00

It's so weird to think all of these things. Everything that I've been posting, all the anxieties and nervousness. I've honestly never been so nervous with anyone else I've dated. Weird, because I've never felt more compatible with anyone as far as personalities. But personalities are very different that what people want for their future.

I've always pretty much know that The DJ was never someone I could spend my life with. Not that I don't want to. It's just not who he is. He will say sweet things when he's drunk. But I just don't think he even considers a future with me. I'm just another phase in his life. Ins

2010-04-29T00:04:00.000-07:00

So at this point, things aren't terrible, but they aren't getting better. I confronted him on the whole going out with his friends all the time. And he tells me he thinks he's being conservative. That he thinks going out with them more shouldn't be a problem. Of course, I just swallow it down. There really is no telling him he's wrong, or that it hurts me. He will say and do what he wants, and I either put up with it, or leave. But that just doesn't seem very healthy. I feel like I'm preparing myself for the end.

I wrote this note to myself the other night while drunk. So I could remember that moment.

'April 28 3:54 am - The minute I completely realized that my boyfriend didn't care about impressing me, or making me happy anymore. The sweets things he said, the affection, the attraction...gone. I might as well be one of his friends.'

It really is true. He doesn't pretend to be interested in anything I have to say. He doesn't think I'm funny, he doesn't tell me how cute I look. Affection is completely gone, never any kisses. And definitely no sex. I have absolutely no control over what I want in this relationship. If I bring it up at all, he just brushes it off. Tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. I just have never been good with confrontation. I would rather keep it locked away, until 6 years later I realize that I've been wasting my years on someone who couldn't care less.

I think once I find a job, and hopefully two jobs. Maybe he won't take me for granted. Maybe he will miss me. I hope so.

2010-04-19T05:02:00.000-07:00

I spent the night tonight listening to my boyfriend talk about me to to his friend. How I'm unmotivated, how I'm pessimistic. It's one of the most painful things to sit through. I try so hard to be a good person, a caring person. I'm not perfect, I have a ton of flaws. My procrastination is a huge one.

But I didn't know that he felt that strongly about it. It doesn't matter how perfect of a girlfriend I am. The flaws will always be the main focus. Always.

He has flaws, but I focus on the positives. As much as I am a pessimist, I absolutely adore him for all the good things about him. I just get this general feeling that guys try to find reasons to not be happy with me.

That's another thing. Apparently I'm a martyr. I play the victim. Which is possible. But if someone tells me honestly that I'm acting a certain way, I try to make it better. But it seems like it's stretching to pick this one thing about me, and use it like I'm terrible.

I can't even express how awful I feel right now. I can't stop crying. I just want someone to love me in spite of my flaws and weaknesses. I want him to see that I love him more than anything, and that I am trying to show him that.

I guess it's a bad thing to try to show him that he's the center of my world, my happiness. I don't understand how that's a bad thing.

2010-04-16T10:39:00.001-07:00

Very strange dreams last night. I didn't really think they were significant, but as I'm thinking about them more, they make perfect sense. I had a dream that The DJ and I went to my parents house. Somehow it ends up that Th Ex is there, and he is the next door neighbor. So I see that his place is still in shambles, just how I left it. I guess he is going on a vacation with my parents, and his kids are there. I'm trying to hide from him, but he sees us. He walks up to me and says that he wants me to leave. That he doesn't get to see his kids very often and I'm ruining it for him. I agree to leave, but The DJ gets pissed. They start fighting, but as they are fighting The DJ turns into The Ex. So it's two Of The Exes fighting. I'm trying to stop them, but at this point suddenly I can't move from where I'm at. I start gripping the grass trying to pull myself towards them, but it's just not working. At this point I wake up. And in a completely terrible mood.

I just kind of let it go, chalk it up to another weird dream. But, I took The DJ to work, and as we pull up there are these strippers smoking outside. And he says bye, and no kiss. He always kisses me goodbye. But I can see in his eyes. He doesn't want them to know I'm his girlfriend, or he doesn't want them to know he has one. It killed me. And then the dream makes perfect sense. From wanting to hang out with me less, not wanting me to go inside the strip club, we don't kiss anymore, no sex for 2 weeks. Even the goddamn nu-metal he's been listening to. My dream shows my fears of this relationship turning into the miserable one I got out of. I'm afraid he's turning into The Ex. The anxiousness, the self esteem issues because of his new job. It's definitely not as bad, but I can't help but worry.

I hate that my last relationship has turned me into such a pessimistic, worrier. I used to be so carefree. And now I expect the worst all the time, because that's just the way it was for 6 years. The worst.

2010-04-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

So this is going to be our issue. I've written about it before, and I'm sure I will continue to write about it. The boys nights are becoming more frequent. And so I think it is time to start backing off and staying home more. I need to get a job and be less available and see how things go. I'm done being the girlfriend who goes out of her way to take care of him, just for him to go out without me all the time. I know he isn't doing it on purpose, he's not trying to hurt me. But I am hurt. Eww, I'm such a clingy girlfriend, I'm super dependent. I need to stop. Maybe he might start missing me, and appreciating me again.

This is all sounding extremely selfish. He takes care of me in other ways. It's just me getting used to coming to this point in a relationship. It always happens. Comfort and routine have set in. And I just need to shake things up a bit.

On a positive note, one little thing he did say was extremely nice. We had an adventurous day. That involved buying pot and a pipe. I tried it again for the first time in 8 years. The first time I hated, and it still really isn't anything special. But as we were walking to my car, he starts saying that this will be a story to remember. My adventure trying pot with my then boyfriend. I kind of stop, saying 'Then boyfriend?' And he says, well who knows, I could be your husband. *le sigh*

The only reason I get so upset is because I love him so much. I love being with him more than anyone else. And sometimes I just hate that he doesn't feel the same. He isn't really doing anything wrong.

2010-04-05T05:43:00.000-07:00

I ran home as fast as I could. I couldn't stop crying. How quickly someone doesn't need or want you around anymore. Maybe I"m still drunk. Drowning myself in alcohol, trying to pretend that I'm not hurt. It's 6:30 am, and I just can't stop crying, I can't. I try so hard to not be over emotional, so I drowned myself in alcohol, and acted as cool as I could. I know how guys are. The minute you become over-emotional, it becomes too real. Especially with the DJ. I'm so scared of freaking him out, and him leaving me again. So I woke still feeling resentment. And I left as quickly as I could.

I spend the entire winter trying to make sure that he was taken care of, that he had a ride to work. I don't have a ton of money, but I will go to the ends of earth so he is happy and comfortable. He knows that, everyone does. He is starting to make money at his new job. And I'm already starting to get a taste of what the summer will be like. He told me that he won't be around as much. But he reassured me that he will make sure to let me know what is going on. I'm so scared, that it's just going to be the same as when he first strayed. I am so secure in my being able to be the best girlfriend I can. But this happens every time. I make it too goddamn easy. I don't put up a fight, and 9 times out of 10, guys start to realize I won't make a stink. I just take it.

So he acted so excited that he had a Monday off. We were to go to the free movie, since we haven't been able to in ages. And I show up at his house to hang out with him and his friends. And he slaps my thigh saying how excited he is he has the following night out. That it's customer appreciation night at his new work. And I ask, well do you want me to come? And he says, no, I think it will be a boys night.

So not only in front of his friends does he make me look like an idiot, but he skips out on our plans together. He says he will make it up to me by taking me out to a movie earlier that day. But I feel awful. I just feel awful.

It's the same shit over and over again. And I try so hard not to show that it affects me. I want so much to not be typical. But I'm so scared. I'm so fucking scared. I don't want to be taken advantage of anymore. I just can't. I don't get how he has these friends that will take advantage of anyone, on a regular basis. And the one person that truly cares about him, he can so easily hurt. He knows it, he sees it. And he doesn't care.

2010-04-03T03:03:00.000-07:00

Another boys night. Dammit, why do I only feel like writing when I feel awful? Maybe because I always feel better when I'm with him. And I can't really write things in front of him.

Things have been wonderful. Obviously the sweet text messages went away. Which I think is what is upsetting me right now. Usually if he goes out without me, I will get a text message saying that he missed me, and he would love to see me. It's 4 am, and nothing. I don't know if he's home. He could possibly still be out, maybe at a party. Or maybe everyone is partying at his house. At this point, my thoughts are swirling. I was okay earlier, but the later it gets, the worse I feel.

He keeps saying how he hasn't been out in a week, and how excited he is to go out. But we went out on Tuesday, and it was so much fun. Dinner at Legends, frozen yogurt and we saw How to Train Your Dragon. Wednesday we went to the free movie at Brewvies, American Psycho. But when he says he hasn't been out all week, it makes me feel like my nights with him don't count. I know that's super girlie and irrational. But I just can't help it. And then he plans this epic night, and of course I'm not included. I'm okay with boys night, he's done it at least once a week. But for some reason I feel like tonight wasn't boys night, it was 'No Me Night.' I just wish that I wasn't to that point again. Where he is excited to be able to go out without me.

I wish sometimes he would miss me, he would worry about me. Show some sign of emotion. He used to tell me everything he felt, at least when he was drunk. And occasionally he will say something beautiful. But I always wonder if ever feels this anxiety when he's without me. I just don't think he does.

2010-02-20T00:22:00.001-08:00

I have 3 blogs, and it seems that certain things are too personal to admit to anyone, even strangers. I am writing in my journal, but it's comforting to know someone is reading. I don't know why. 3 months I have been with him. And things were beautiful in the beginning. I felt like we were meant for each other. Honestly, I still feel that way. But after we stopped drinking, it's been completely different. Something I feared from the minute the decision was made. There is no affection, no sexual attraction on his end. I guess this is what happens in relationships. But really? So soon? I am so terrible at letting moments go. I want them to last forever. And I'm a realist, and I've turned out to be a pessimist. But I get so sad when the new part of a relationship fades. When you've been around each other so much, and then he gets excited to go out without me.
I cry.
And I try so hard not to let it get to me. Because you can only handle so much of someone. But I miss that point when you feel like you can't live without each other. It's the only true and pure romance I've ever experienced. When you lie in bed together. Face to face. Closer than any normal person would ever be comfortable with. And you tell your story. And you have an amazing story to tell.
To anyone else, it would be the same, mundane story. But to that new person, they want to know everything about you. And I truly want to know every detail about him. It's such an incredible feeling. In everday life, people are just waiting for their turn to talk. But he not only listens with interest about your story, all your mistakes and accomplishments. But he watches your lips, the way they move. And I watch his eyes, and his lips. And I memorize it. I play it over and over in my head.
My pessimism takes over, and it tells me 'This won't last. Remember every detail, every moment, every whisper. Cause it will be gone before you expect it. Before you can blink, it will be a fading memory. Routine will set in. And you won't be surprised by each other at all.'
I hate this point. The point between that new experience and routine. I get so sad.
I mourn it.
It's not all bad. I still adore him, and I would do anything for him. I honestly hope we grow old together. We are so compatible, more so than anyone I've been with. But I miss that affection.

Update:

It's gone

The End?

2010-01-02T22:04:00.000-08:00

I guess the title might be confusing.

It has been an interesting couple of weeks, and a CRAZY couple of months. The last post I was completely unsure of The DJ. And right now, I am sure. As sure as I can be.

As time went by, I remained patient and understanding. I did everything the way I knew how, as close to my nature as I could be. And for once it seemed to work for someone.

For him.

He seemed unsure for a while as well.

But Christmas time came around, and he confessed his love for me everyday. And he asked me, again, to be his girlfriend on Christmas Eve. I asked him if he was sure this time. And he seemed sure.

Since then we have been inseparable. It's night and day. Where before he only wanted me around when he didn't have anything better to do, he is staying in with me instead of going out. Watching movies, and playing on the internet in bed together. Just laughing all day. I actually had someone to spend the New Year with. And it was the best one I have had in...I can't remember how long. Maybe ever.

And this is the beginning again. It's the best part. I know that with time, things will become routine, and we won't want each other around as much. So I'm just enjoying it as much as I can.

So...the blog. I've given it a lot of thought. Do I still continue writing? Adventures in a new relationship?

Naw...

For some reason the good parts are sacred to me. And I want to share them with him, and not with everyone else. Maybe I've already shared too much, I don't know. But I'm happy right now.

And I am in love. Cute, sweet, vulnerable love...

I'm even thinking about showing this blog to him. I'm pretty nervous about it. I hope that he would appreciate it, even though there is a lot of whining.

Maybe I can start this up again if things ever change.

But goddamn, I hope they don't.

The Risk

2009-12-20T14:49:00.001-08:00

My room is a complete disaster because I have not been here at all. It's a whirlwind of coming and going. I haven't spent a single night here for about 2 weeks. I come in, get ready, and leave. I have been spending every moment I can with The DJ.

I wish I stopped and wrote more about the happy moments. And seriously, there have been more than not lately. But I think, for me, misery inspires me. Or maybe I just don't like to be cheesy and write about all the sweet moments. It's really sad, because those are the moments I want to remember most. And I will probably look back on this relationship and only see the bad.

Things have been good. I am still extremely cautious. And only because I keep finding things to re-inforce that cautiousness. I generally am very good at ignoring bad signs, and float along ignorant. But after the last relationship, I have kept my eyes open. I hate that, it goes completely against my nature. But I can't help myself anymore, I don't have time to waste. I don't mean that in the sense of getting old. I just look back on the time I wasted on people who were obviously not right for me, and I chose to ignore it.

So, as he goes to use the bathroom, what would any insecure girl do? Glance at the messages left on his computer. That's what I did. And there are flirtatious messages with girls I wouldn't even expect he would show the slightest interest in. 'Miss you' is something that struck me badly. In order to miss someone, wouldn't you have had to spend some time with them? And we have spent so much time together, when the hell did he have time to fit her in? It just boggles my mind.

This girl comments on every post he makes on facebook. And at first I joked about it. Thinking this was just some innocent crush that she might have on him. But I saw that he was messaging her. And suddenly it wasn't just some stupid girl pining for his attention. He was giving it back. I kind of called him on it. I told him that I know he liked this girl. Of course he denied it. But, just randomly as I was leaving the conversation went like this.

Me: 'I know why you like this girl.'

Him: 'Why?'

Me: 'Because she strokes your ego. She pays attention to every word you say, and you love that.'

Him: 'That is true, I do like attention. I don't want to fuck her if that's what you are saying.'

Me: 'No, I am saying that you like her, and you like the attention she gives you.'

Him: 'Well, it's been a long time since anyone has had a crush on me. And I like that.'

This brings up the awful crush word. I hate crushes, in every sense of the word. They have always been destructive in my life. So, to him it seems like just an innocent thing. But when you are in a relationship, and you are conversing with said crush behind my back, it doesn't seem so innocent to me anymore. Little hearts and miss you messages sent back and forth are just too much. And I think he knows that. So why is it so easy for him to risk something that he claims is special, and risk losing someone that he claims to care about and love? Well, the obvious answer to most anyone in this situation is maybe he doesn't.

What does he have to gain from a crush that I haven't already given him and then some? I pine over every word he says. I go out of my way to do nice things and take care of him. I have so much more to offer, and I've given him even more that that. So what is it about crushes that makes it worth risking everything you say you want?

Drunken Postings II

2009-12-08T19:19:00.000-08:00

This one is going to be a doozy. I am drinking to calm the anxiety. The truth for me is generally awful, and avoid it.

I have this flaw. I trust people before they even have to earn it. Even after they have violate it, it remains in tact. It takes so much energy for me to not trust someone. When my instincts scream at me to run away, I ignore it.

I have come across some things that should make run screaming from The DJ. Things that would be so bad to a normal person. I know I am going to get hurt.

I know it.

And I can't pull myself away. And I don't have the guts to call him on it. Because I don't want to seem like a drama queen. How retarded is that. I would rather suffer than seem like a typical girl. Why do I do this to myself?

Because I truly love him. I really do. I hate admitting that even after everything I've already been through with him. After I told myself that I was not going to go through the same routine. And that is exactly what I am doing. I am going to completely sacrifice my own sanity, my whole self to someone who probably doesn't even appreciate me. Who would dump my ass in a heartbeat if he thought there was any slight chance of being with his ex-girlfriend.

And I won't say a goddamn word.

Remember...

2009-12-06T12:47:00.001-08:00

I have a terrible memory, and this little blog is not only a way to express my joy, frustrations and experiences with dating. But also to document important moments.

I debate on if I should be sharing such personal, and special moments with people. Things become kind of sacred when you like someone. Should I just have my own personal journal in these cases, so I can remember them? Maybe.

I don't know, I secretly hope that when I do find someone to spend my life with. This blog can be my love letter to them. And so in that case, I want them to see and remember every emotion and moment.

Ugh...

I guess I will just say that The DJ said something completely unexpected last night. We were actually having a serious conversation, which is rare for him. We had decided to tell each other what the others' weaknesses were. In a normal relationship this would be bad. But he and I are very good at understanding our flaws, and it takes a lot to upset or offend the other. I won't give the dirty details. This turned to him expressing his love for me. There were a lot of very sweet things said. But, the one that caught me was he said he thinks this is the end of the line for him. It took me a minute to understand what that meant. But, I think it meant a lot for him to say that.

I really still don't know what is going to happen between the two of us. We both still have a lot of things to work through. But I really do love being with him. And that's enough for me right now.

The Right Girl

2009-12-01T20:49:00.001-08:00

I must be pre-menstrual. I put on The Smiths and immediately bust out crying. Sorry fot the details, but I honestly don't care.

How do I start this one out. I had talked previously about how I am somewhat not completely against the idea of getting married and having kids. I'm open about it. Obviously, I don't really mention this to the people I have been going out with. Because it's way too soon. Except The DJ.

Oh.

Have I mentioned I'm kind of seeing The DJ again. I think I said a little about it. He has since confessed his love for me again. He says how I'm the only girl who has pulled him back in against his will. Honestly, I didn't try to, but I think that's what lured him back in. I doubt he's ever actually dated an adult before. And so I'm sure he has had deal with a lot of drama as far as break-ups are concerned. I'm just assuming. And I loathe drama. I really just want to enjoy myself right now.

I don't know what any of this means. I am still keeping my guard up. And I am also dating other people. But I like being with him. I have fun.

Today was not good though. He says on facebook (of course) that he has never wanted to have kids or get married. But, he is starting to get that little biological alarm going off. He has asked me before if I've felt this way. And I tell him how I feel. As I read through the comments though, he says he absolutely doesn't want to do that, it just chemicals.

And I just start bawling. I'm sure it has a lot to do with my chemicals right now. But, a little bit of me is sad.

Why do I care? He is probably the last person that I would choose to have kids with. That sounds harsh, but it's true. So why this reaction?

Every girl wants to think that she is so great, that it would sway a guy to want to marry and have children. I fantasize about this guy who wouldn't think twice about wanting to settle down, until he gets involved with me. And I am so amazing, and wonderful. And all of his fears and reservations go away because he found me. The right girl. Unrealistic, yes I know.

And that's just it. That's why I take it so personally. Even though I know he's not the right guy, I still want to be the right girl. I want to be the one for somebody. Is it an ego thing? I don't know. If it is my ego, it hurts. But, I would say it's more of my stomach and chest that hurts right now.

It really seems like I haven't been the right girl for anyone. At least when it counted.

As The DJ would say 'C'est la Vie'... I've really come to hate this term.

The Game

2009-11-22T14:25:00.000-08:00

As you get further into dating, you start to realize the games involved. I knew at first that women and men, no matter how old, play games with each other. Maybe not always intentionally. And I thought I was prepared for it.

I am not.

Being with people for long periods of time, gives you this false sense of knowing a lot about the opposite sex. When really, you only know a lot about that one particular person. So, when I started dating again, I honestly thought I had it figured out. I am constantly told by guys how much they hate playing games. And they want a woman to be honest about what they want, and be the aggressor for once. And I have never been afraid to tell guys I like them, or ask them out. In fact, I prefer it.

But after these experiences, I have realized...they don't mean it.

I think I am too available. I give away too much, too soon. Once I start dating someone, I am all about making them feel special. And doing anything I can do to show them how much they mean to me. I am starting to realize most guys want a challenge. They want the chase. I don't like to put generalities on a whole gender. But I think I need to.

After hanging with the DJ a bit, he has started to express that he is still in love with me. And possibly wants to date again. I truly believe that the only reason The DJ has taken any interest in me again is because I am not a sure thing anymore. And he knows it's a possibility that I could end up with someone else. And this is where it becomes a chase. I'm not doing any of this to try to get him back. Because I know in my heart he will probably never be the right person for me. But, I'm not 18 anymore. And I get so caught up in the idea of finding the right person, I forget that it doesn't mean I can't still involve myself with anyone I choose to. As long as I don't allow myself to get hurt, why the hell not. I'm an adult for christ sake. I need to stop trying so hard, and enjoy myself. Am I just trying to justify wanting to hang out with him? Maybe, probably. But I'm tired of trying to force myself to do things or not do things. It becomes extremely stressful.

I take on so many different philosophies, as to try to not let myself get hurt. But pain is all part of the process. And I can fight it and be miserable and anxious constantly. But I think maybe I'm going to try and just enjoy the ride.

So a small update. I wussed out with The Emo Boy. All because he wanted to hang at a bar with some friends. And I am still struggling with this whole hanging out, instead of actual dates. But I think I might just have to let that go. It seems to be the way dating goes these days. Or maybe it's just an age thing. I don't know. I apologized and asked if he would still want to hang sometime.

He said yes.

Out and About

2009-11-15T10:47:00.000-08:00

Well, this week has been interesting.

Bear with me people, in an effort to remember more of this whole experience, I'm being way more specific. For my own benefit, so I'm sorry if it gets boring.

I still have not heard back from The Cyclist. I have asked a ton of people advice, since I would handle the situation very differently. I definitely would have texted him a while back. Asking if he wanted to hang out. But I keep getting told I'm too agressive, and it might come across as desperate. UGH. So I'm told if he really wanted to hang out with me, he would have said something by now. I still think that maybe I will just shoot one text and ask him how he is. I don't see anything wrong with that. It's really hard to try and filter through all this advice and still be myself. Hopefully I can find a happy medium.

I hung out with The DJ's best friend this weekend. I absolutley fell in love with this girl after he introduced us. We are hilarious together. So after he dumped me, I told her that I still think we should hang sometimes. We had a girl's day. Lunch and shopping. It was a blast. The conversation did head towards what happened with me and The DJ. I guess they don't really talk about serious stuff. He just told her that things were over, c'est la vie. That was it. I told her that it was harder because it just doesn't seem like it affects him at all, like he doesn't care. And she said he really doesn't care about much. She also said that she thinks he really has never gotten over his ex. I told her about how we had been hanging out, and some physical things happened. And she gives me this serious look. She says 'I hope that you aren't hanging out with him cause you think he will get back together with you. Cause he won't.' And I told her that I don't want to be with him. And that is the truth. It was really nice to be able to say that and know that I mean it. It was a very insightful conversation. Depressing, but helpful.

Later that night, we decided we wanted to go out and play, and meet some boys. Some of her friends suggested Green Street. It was not great at all, and our group completely ditched us. But she wanted to stick it out there for some reason. I'm glad we did, because I did have a guy approach. Extremely cute. Calling him The Emo Boy, only because he proclaimed himself to be that. He doesn't seem emo, but he says he dresses that way. I find out he is 26...and I'm a little weary of this. I'm told I look really young, so most the guys who hit on me are younger. I haven't decided if age is an all around concern. I'm getting there though. We will see with this one. But he told me that he came to talk to me because of my piercings and he really like my style. We talked for quite a bit about music, and the bar scene. He was extremely happy about my love for The Smiths. He told me I had a beautiful smile, and I got embarrased quite a bit. This weird thing has happened after all this dating. I way more reluctant to take compliments. After so many guys telling me how pretty I am, and how perfect I am. And things completely turning upside down so quickly. I feel like they weren't sincere with what they were telling me. I kept telling him to not say nice things. That's probably something I need to get over. Anyway, numbers were exchanged. And he says he wants to hang out.

Surprisingly, he texted me this morning. And we have been texting back and forth. I'm pretty happy about that. I guess we will see.

Get it together

2009-11-11T16:44:00.000-08:00

I have realized that I am not doing what I intended with this blog.

It was supposed to be something fun, and entertaining. I wanted to document my dating experiences. And it's reading like a depressing journal of some lame teenager. Dating was supposed to be an adventure, and it's been nothing but a pain in my ass.

I wanted to actually write about the whole process. Of falling in and out of love. I want to remember everything. And I didn't write anything until it was over. From now on I will definitely not slack on the little stuff.

The hard part is getting dates though. I had that date last week with The Cyclist, and I've barely heard from him since. I don't know how to interpret that. I am so quick and aggressive, that I'm not sure if this is a normal pace. I'm so used to start dating and then wanting to talk to that person as much as possible. But I am holding back as much as I can, so I don't make the same mistakes. And then I'm worried that it might come across as me not being interested. Oh man, this is so lame.

I am still struggling with learning my lessons. In an effort to try to remain friends (which is something I always do), I have allowed myself to communicate with The DJ. It started on facebook not long after I got dumped. He made a comment on a photo. And I thanked him. Which I guess made him feel okay to start communicating. Soon enough, I found myself inviting him over to watch TV with me. Just chill and drink. It was innocent enough, and actually fun. When we are together, we get along so well. But when I took him home, he kissed me. And I let him. He apologized and went inside. I honestly don't know why I let him.

Actually yes I do. Because I love kissing. It's my weakness...my cryptonite.

I have hung out with him again since, and there was kissing again. But I am done. At first I thought it was because maybe he missed me, and he realized he had made a mistake. But it's a trap. And I usually get caught in it. He wants to go out and party, and not have to answer to anyone, or be responsible for anything. Lead the single life, but still have someone to have around for when he gets lonely. And I almost fell for it.

Almost.

I will still be friends with him, just because we have a lot of the same friends. And we hang at the same places. I hate feeling like I have to avoid somebody. But there is no way I'm going to continue to be a side piece of ass.

Anyway, I will try to lighten things up a bit. Hopefully someone asks me out, so I can make this blog the way I intended.

Decompress

2009-11-08T00:24:00.000-08:00

So...

I am in such a terrible mood.

I've been handling things pretty well considering. I guess that's maybe a sign that if I'm not completely devastated by the situation, then maybe my heart wasn't in it afterall. Or maybe I'm just starting to get used to it, maybe I'm becoming numb.

I cry a little every once and a while. But definitely not as much as I expected. I realize that if it didn't happen now, it would eventually.

I have already been on an actual date. A bicyclist whom I met...at a club. I know, I know. I don't know where the hell else to meet guys. Those are the only places I get approached. He seems nice enough though. He races bicycles, has a ton of tattoos (which I love), he does not drink, and he's a vegetarian. And he actually has a car. He asked me to go with some friends to dinner. We had Indian food, and it was an okay time. I didn't do a lot of talking. Apparently they all worked at this bicycle shop together, and The Cyclist and his buddy got laid off. So it was the main topic of conversation. He says he is not going to look for another job, and live off unemployment so he can train full time. I haven't decided if this is good or bad yet. The unfortunate side effect of going through this many relationships is I'm becoming pickier. And I hate that. He did pay for my dinner though.

After dinner, he drove me home, walked me to my door. And he said he has plans to do it again sometime. Just a hug (I didn't even kiss him, which is HUGE for me). I am definitely taking things nice and slow for a while. Let the actual dating process happen.

Tonight though. UGH! A few days ago I got in touch through facebook (where else?) with a guy I had been a few dates with a long time ago. He is extremely cute, and I was so excited to find him, and see that he was single. When I went out with him back then, I was going through a break-up, and I just couldn't focus my attention on anything else. I made the excuse that we had 'too much in common'. So lame.

We exchanged a few messages, and he told me about a decrompression party for Utah Burners. And I decided that I would go, and I would see him there. We talked a little bit. The usual conversation 'Where do you live? Where do you work?' blah blah blah. As we talk, he starts to tell me he is probably going to drop acid tonight. At first I thought he was joking, but he wasn't. And a few minutes later he sure enough drops acid. He tells me he loves to hallucinate.

DAMMIT!!

I absolutely do not date people who take drugs. I don't care if people do it, but it's just way too hard for me. I don't get drugs, I've never done them. I would have a really hard time being with anyone who is tripping constantly. So I guess that one is already out of the question. Too bad, he is really cute.

I'm just so annoyed right now.

The Inevitable

2009-11-03T17:57:00.001-08:00

So I have not updated in quite a bit. And there was a reason.

I did actually suck it up, and give the DJ a chance. I went out with him. And I had a blast. He was charming, and sweet, and most importantly hilarious. We got along perfectly. I set aside all my reservations about his lifestyle. Even after he admitted to me he was an alcoholic. But, he said he was waiting for a special someone to pull him out of it. He truly wanted someone to spend time with at home. A reason not to go out and get drunk all the time.
And I believed him.

After about a week, he had already said that he was falling for me. And only after two weeks did he confess that he WAS in love me. And honestly, looking back, I think I was in love with the idea of someone being in love with me.

You can already tell where this might be going. But, I will continue.

We spent everyday together. Laughing a lot. I didn't feel like I had to water down my personality. I am extremely crude, and honest. And he seemed to be the same way. When I start to care about someone, I want to spoil them, and take care of them. And that's exactly what I did. I would make sure he had a ride to wherever he was going, since he didn't have a car. I bought drinks for him and his friends. I left surprises at his house to let him know I was thinking about him.

This whole time he's telling me how perfect I am. And how he's had a crush on me for 10 years. What an accomplishment it was that he snagged me. He even admitted I was a trophy. Which should have been a huge red flag. I told him I wasn't sure about him seeing me as a trophy.
But I trusted him. Whole-heartedly.

He asked me if we could change our facebook status. And we did that at the same time. I was so excited about being open about having a boyfriend. I've never had that before. To be excited that I was with somebody. He went to my friends parties with me, and he seemed so proud of me. He said I was so smart, and creative, and so pretty. He had never been with anyone as pretty as me. I am so reluctant to believe these things. But it doesn't mean that I didn't like hearing them.

And a week after deciding to be exclusive.

Something changed.

He didn't invite me to places with him. He blew me off. He said he wanted to hang out with me one day. Just to say that it couldn't happen that night, but for sure tomorrow. Which happened to be my favorite holiday. Halloween.

Hasn't this exact thing happened before?

I asked him why he suddenly stopped inviting me places. And he said that it was his policy not to party with his girlfriends. His past experiences have only brought jealousy. It was strange to me, since I've been partying with him the past three weeks. And I have never acted jealous about anything. Even when some girl came up and was caressing and running her fingers
through his hair.

He shut down and didn't want to talk about it anymore. I asked him if he still wanted to hang out that night. Which happened to be Halloween.
'Yes, no, maybe...I don't know'

I ended up not hanging out with him on. Halloween. He didn't text or call. I had a fabulous night with one of my oldest friends. And happened to have a few people interested in me.

The next day he pretended like nothing happened, and I gave him the cold shoulder. I was extremely hurt. I saw on facebook that he was making grand plans with friends.
Trips out of state. Going out partying and not inviting me at all. I lost it, and went to his house. I told him how I am tired of being a girlfriend of convenience.
And how I wasn't going to continually go through the same thing. I was balling, and a complete mess. And he just looked at me coldly. He said, 'I just didn't want you around. Is that bad?'

'I do my own thing.'

At that moment I knew I had made a huge mistake. He didn't care about me at all. He didn't want to be in a relationship. I was a trophy. And the minute I stood up for myself, he couldn't handle that reality.

I spent two days barely talking to him. And I had planned on
ending the relationship.

..and he beat me to the punch.

He dumped me.

Things got 'too real for him, too fast.'
His exact words.

Lesson learned.

More Adventurous?

2009-10-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

I read with every broken heart
we should become more adventurous.

I've tried very hard most of my dating life to not be judgemental of people's situations. I never cared about how financially well off people were, or how responsible they were. I have never been an incredibly responsible person, and I've always struggled with keeping things together with jobs and bills. Who was I to look down on other people for what they struggle with?

This time around, my wants in life have changed. About a year ago, that little biological clock snuck up on me, and punched me right in the baby maker. I have started to come around to the idea of wanting a family. I'm scared to death about it still, but I feel like I'm comfortable enough with myself to feel somewhat okay about raising a little life. It took a long time to feel okay with the idea of raising a child being an atheist, especially in Utah. I mean, I wouldn't raise them atheist. I would definitely allow my child to choose whatever they wanted, as long as they were old enough to understand what they wanted. I mean, that I feel more comfortable in my own beliefs to be informative. Anyway, as I have come around to the idea of having a family, my needs in a partner have changed.

So I have been out with The DJ twice, and I know he really likes me. We have an incredible amount in common. He happens to be atheist also, which is awesome. He is cute, and sweet, and just a cool person. And I know I should like him, and things should go well. But...

He spends all day drinking and drinking. And he works occasionally DJing, and he has no car. We haven't been out on actual dates. I go to his house and drink with his friends, then we go to a bar and drink more. Don't get me wrong, I don't think any of this is bad. I was doing the exact same thing 6 years ago, I'm in no postion to judge anyone. See, I even feel terrible writing about this. He's completely happy with his life and his situation. I feel awful for not allowing myself to get attached to him for these reasons. I'm already planning my speech to him, about how he can't give me what I want in my life right now. I know that he would be in no position anytime soon to help me raise a kid. Or take care of me in anyway. Not to mention I'm trying very hard to slow down my drinking before it becomes a problem. I feel shallow for thinking these things.

I told myself that I wouldn't allow myself to get caught up in a list of reasons to not date people based on my past dating experiences. But where do you find that balance? I told myself I wouldn't date anyone going through a divorce, or anyone with kids, and by any means I wouldn't ever date anyone religious. And then the last person I dated was all three things. And I adored him. But I have to allow myself to try to avoid the stresses of trying to convince someone who's completely happy in their life, to give it all up for my needs. You're only asking for resentment. I keep telling myself I'm doing him a favor. But, it sucks, cause I might actually like him a lot. I don't want to give that speech, but I have to.

Onward Ho!

2009-10-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

As I was reading back on my last post, I noticed how short and broken my sentences were. And then I thought how interesting it was that I wrote about the situation in that way. It kind of didn't flow, and it seems to really reflect how I feel about the whole relationship. Funny...

It was good to write about it, to get it off my chest. I feel like it was definitely necessary in order to move past it. I don't feel quite over it, but I'm getting better everyday. I have my moments where I am actually looking forward to the future. And maybe I will have some real dating adventures instead of being afraid of opening myself up. In fact I am chatting with The DJ and possibly going out with him. I've decided to not be so particular about how I get to know people. So I will most likely do the bar hopping thing that I was so upset about earlier. Hehe..

Speaking of not being particular. I happened to see The Kisser at the club. I haven't told you about him. Before The Good Guy, I met The Kisser at the club (surprise). His extremely drunk friend was trying hook us up. He didn't really respond at first, but seeing him later we talked quite a bit. He was quite impressed with me after he found out that my favorite Chuck Pahlaniuk book is Survivor. And we kissed...a lot. He is an incredible kisser, hence the nickname. Anyway, at the end of the night, he and his friends invited me to come back to their place. And I had to work the next morning, so that was a no. He said he would call me. And he didn't. I got a text message the following Thursday at midnight, and at that exact moment, I was on the most incredible date with The Good Guy. So obviously I didn't respond.

So, as I was saying I saw him at the club this last week. And I spent most the night talking with him and his friends. It turns out he's an atheist, which is great. But I kind of get the feeling his only interest in me is sexual. Which I think might become a big problem dating. I did end up going back to his friends house and watched a movie with all of them. And we kissed again...a lot. Too many details? Are you disgusted yet? As I left, I completely expected to not hear from him after that. But he actually texted me the next day. Unfortunately I couldn't respond because my phone is jacked. Just my luck, someone actually shows an ounce of interest, and I can't do anything about it. So he probably think I'm not interested. *sigh*

Okay, off to bar hop. I'm not expecting anything spectacular. But you never know.

The Short Story

2009-09-28T22:45:00.000-07:00

Some love stories aren't epic novels, some are short stories
But, that doesn't make them any less filled with love.

This story isn't short, but the relationship was.

I don't know if it would be better to be in a drunken haze while writing this. I'm sure you saw from my last post that I don't hold back as much. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I like the idea of being able to grasp these emotions. Some that I try to deny to myself, just to keep my sanity. I don't really tell a lot of people how I truly feel about The Good Guy, except maybe for the roomie. And I'm sure she is tired of hearing about it.

He's my short story...

I'm going to try to avoid every single detail. Because it becomes boring. We went to high school together. He was dating a friend of mine, she was on drill team with me. I was in relationship with The Ego. He married her. I remember him, but never really talked to him at all.

Years passed by, 11 to be exact. We talked a tiny bit on facebook and twitter. We exchanged numbers and have a conversation by text message. I find out he is going through a divorce. His wife cheated on him and I am going through a break-up myself with The Ex. After a while of talking he asks me out. I warn him that I'm much different than I was in high school. I'm a sailor-mouthed, opinionated, liberal atheist. And as I remember he is a conservative mormon. He says he knows how I am, and it doesn't bother him at all.

The dates were amazing and romantic. We had an immediate connection. I have never felt that strong of connection with anyone that quickly. And he tells me the same. It was just this immediate feeling of happiness. Straight out of a chick flick. All the cheesiness and butterflies, and I loved it. We constantly told each other how smitten we were. He told me I was perfect, and he had this strange need to take care of me. And he did. Be aware this is only after about 4 dates, in the span of a week or so. We were both scared, but in a good way. Like maybe for both of us the timing was perfect. And we were both seeking something that the other could provide. He wanted some excitement in his life after being married for 9 years. I was looking for some stability after spending most of my life in constant chaos.

One night he told me that there was nothing I could tell him that would scare him. And that he had a lot of plans for me. After him saying this many times, I dropped my guard and told him I was falling for him. And he said that he was in love with me. It felt so nice.

After that night, he mentioned planning for vacations. And he took me couch shopping to get an idea for my style. He asked me what kind of ring I wanted, and what kind of wedding I wanted. And talked to me about how we would have cute kids. I have never allowed myself to think I was going to get married, because honestly none of my exes wanted to marry me. Except The Ego asked me to marry him on his mission, only to come home and say that he wasn't mentally unstable when he asked. It was so wonderful to think someone wanted to make plans with me.

I keep writing, and I'm getting too detailed. And I'm sure it's boring.

I will just skip straight to it. He got scared...

He worried I was a rebound. And wanted to slow thing down. I was fine with that. But he got more and more distanced. I would invite him places, and he would say okay, just to bail that day. Finally I decided that I didn't want to seem like a desperate, crazy girl. And I was going to let him off the hook. I asked him to call me, because I didn't feel it was right to text something like that. And shortly after, he texted me saying that he didn't want to date me anymore. Because of school and his kids. And a bunch of bullshit that had nothing to do with the situation. Because I never kept him from any of those things. I was devastated. Even if he didn't mean anything he said, I did. I really did fall in love with him, as crazy as it seems. I did...

I told him we could still be friends, no hard feelings. My desperate attempt to keep people in my life. And we still occasionally exchange comments or chat on facebook. But seeing his picture on there kills me. I feel like I lost something incredible. And I feel like I will never have a connection like I had with him. Everyone encourages me, but he was so caring and sweet. And most guys aren't like that. Man, I lost out. And I know another girl will come along. And I hope she knows how lucky she is. Because I really knew how lucky I was to spend the short amount of time I had with him. I am bitter, but not enough to hate him. I am angry that I allowed myself to think I was going to get married. I actually looked at rings and dresses. I imagined my life with someone else. Me... I hate myself for that.

I hope he knows how much I cared about him, and I still do.

Drunken Postings I

2009-09-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

I name this the first edition of my drunken ramblings.

I was going to write about The Good Guy tonight. I wanted to tell the whole story because it's still fresh on my mind. I have a terrible memory, and it might be nice to re-count things as I remember them. And not have all this haziness.

But it's still so painful. It makes me cry thinking about it.

I have to keep taking a minute to clear my eyes, so I can see what I'm typing. It's probably the alcohol. It's been two months since I fell in love with him. And it's been almost month since he fell out of love with me. I know. It was extremely quick. And I will talk about it, but I can't right now, because the bitterness is consuming. And I don't want to write negative things. I don't usually feel bitter about it. But, tonight I do.

Facebook has become such a source for my depression lately. I've tried to establish a friendship with The Good Guy, even though there is still a lot of hurt. Just because I can't imagine him not being a part of my life. So I'm basically taking what I can get. But, I am having a really hard time right now. I'm still trying to date, and it has been a huge source of stress and anxiety. Now I'm not the type of person to put specifics on facebook. But I put passing thoughts and generalities on there. And I get these constant sarcastic comments. Including some from The Good Guy. And it fucking kills me. I guess I shouldn't take anything personal, but when you put your emotions out there for your friends to see, people you care about. And all I get is these brush offs. I probably deserve it, I'm an extremely sarcastic person. But I can sense when someone might be struggling, or having a hard time. And I don't take that opportunity to make light of it. Maybe I need to take sometime away from it.

Anyway, I will write about The Good Guy, and my experiences with another guy from last night. But I'm cloudy and pissed right now. And I'm trying my best not to sound bitter.

Focus

2009-09-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

I finally got the internet at home. Although my setup is extremely uncomfortable. I don't have a desk, so I'm sitting on the floor, keyboard on my lap. My hand gets extremely cramped because the mouse is on the floor. But I'm glad that when I feel like posting, I can.

This blog is about dating, and yet I sat down and thought about it tonight. I haven't been on a single date since before I even started this blog. I was asked out by the DJ, which I mentioned in a previous post. And I chickened out. I saw him again, and he was drunk as could be. Telling me the same bullshit he told me before. Maybe it isn't bullshit, but I'm so tired of hearing the same things. It becomes part of the game. I am continually told how guys have had crushes on me for ages. Be it from high school, or from the club. I hate the crush line. Because it puts these unfair expectations on me that I can never live up to. Once they realize I'm this imperfect human, suddenly the fantasy wears off.

So, I tell the DJ that he will get over his crush. He still says he wants to go out for dinner and drinks afterward the next night. So the next night, I get a call at 10:00 saying he just got payed and asks if I would like to go bar hopping.

Now, I have problems with this. I am not so old that I don't understand the dating game. I might not like it, and I am still learning. But I think I understand the basics. But, this little proposal for bar hopping makes me feel...just old. I guess I'm just old fashioned, but how do you get to know someone bar hopping? Even if he just mentioned going for drinks, it would seem better. This is a sign to me of just wanting to get drunk and party. And I'm all about that, but not on a first date. Plus it's 10, and I'm in pajamas. So I told him I was tired, and we will have to plan on another night.

He apologized today, and asked if I wanted to come to the bar he is DJ-ing at. And you know, I'm struggling to be interested at all. Add to the fact, that since The Good Guy, I have had extreme anxiety about opening up to anyone. I really need to write about him. And everything else.

So I told the DJ that I couldn't go out tonight. And we will plan another night. The only real reason I'm considering another night is so I can at least write about an actual date on my date blog.

Anyway, much much more to catch up on. I haven't mentioned anything about The Ex yet. And that has turned out to be a never-ending story. And there is more to talk about with The Good Guy. Oh man, so much craziness. I'm telling you, being single is LAME!

The Horror

2009-09-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

My messages are filling up, and soon I will have to delete them. So I need to post this particular conversation with a gentleman who wanted to go out with me. I wouldn't usually post things like this verbatim. But this is a perfect example of the horrors of dating.

Him: What is your schedule like?

Me: Well, I told you Friday would work, but I forgot about a show I was going to. The rest of the week I work days until about 5:30

Him: What about tonight?

Me: That might work, what did you have in mind?

Him: Umm, want to come by my place? Maybe something kinky?

Me: Let me just get this straight. I take it you are only interested in sex?

Him: No. I want to hurt you a little too..Explore and see what you are made of. Be friendly and stuff. But sex is the top of my list..Is that a problem?

Me: Well, I don't do casual sex. I know how I am, and I get extremely attached. Sorry if I gave you that impression.

Him: Good to know, and you gave me the impression that you didn't sleep around. I think you and I have some chemistry though. I'd be interested in exploring it. I usually keep a few pets, and then I have Liliane, she isn't going anywhere. I'd be interested in seeing if you have pet potential.

Me: What does being a 'pet' entail?

Him: It's a dominant/submissive a night or two a week..Service, bondage, protocol.

Me: I don't think I have pet potential, but thanks for considering me.

Him: Ok. So that is a no thank you?

Me: I'm afraid so. Sorry.

The Beginning

2009-09-13T12:33:00.000-07:00

I have been in a few relationships. Most of you reading this know about them. I started dating at 16, and fell head over heels for The Goth. He's not really a goth anymore, but when I dated him he was. This was my first experience dating. He was the first person to take any interest in me. And I had no idea why he liked me at all. I was a very optimistic, sunny cheerleader. I loved school, I loved my friends. He was dark, and depressed, and well....a goth. He was in a band, and he let me play bass in his band occassionally, even though I was terrible. I have always loved the goth culture and I'm sure my attraction to him was because he was the exact opposite of me. But he was hilarious, and anyone knows the way to my heart is to make me laugh.

I was smitten by him. But, I wouldn't really say that what we were doing was dating. We hung out, watched movies and held hands. That was the extent of it. He tried to kiss me once, and I dodged it and told him I was too scared. I wish I could be more specific about this relationship, but the whole thing is a bit hazy, because it was so long ago. I don't think we were together very long. I went on vacation for a week, and when I came back, he stopped calling me. It was just like that. He didn't talk to me anymore. Of course, I was devastated. I didn't understand anything about relationships or dating. I didn't know if this was the way it worked. My diary was basically dedicated to The Goth. I wanted so much to be able to still talk to him. I didn't actually speak to him again for another 4 years. I saw him at a club, and we became friends again. As we reconnected, there was kissing, but I think we both knew that nothing would ever come of it. We were meant to be friends. And he is one of my favorite people to this day. There are times that we won't talk for a year, but we still keep each other in mind.

Since that situation I have always known that even if things don't work out between people, I don't see why they can't still be a part of each others lives. Unless someone has done something terrible, I understand that things change, and people change. That doesn't mean that I care about the people I had dated any less. Of course some situations take a little more time to be able to have a friendship. And sometimes having exes still around caused quite a few issues with people I was dating. But I hate losing people. There is a reason I cared about particular people. And it's so rare to find people that you cared about so intensely. I don't like letting that go. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But it's my thing. Anyone I date now, I am very clear about having my exes still in my life. And not just exes, but I have a lot more guy friends than chick friends. And I am not giving them up. If someone has jealousy issues or expects compromise on that end, they will have to find someone else. Throughout this last year, I have learned to love my friends and my family so much. A lot of people have helped me survive this last year and a half. Including my exes. I am so grateful that I have their advice, because no one knows me better than these people. To any friends reading this, and to the one ex I am allowing to read this (yikes) Thank you!

The Pressure

2009-09-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

The roomie and I went to karaoke the other night. I was so happy she came out with me. It was fun, but I keep adding this pressure on myself to meet people. Let me just say, I'm not one of those chicks who is desperate to find her true love everywhere she goes. But when you're single, you're a lot more aware of the people around you and the potential they have. When I go to the grocery store, or the library, I notice cute guys. It sounds pathetic, and maybe a little desperate. But honestly, I feel like if I'm going to meet people, I have to allow myself to be open to it.

I had written down my experiences talking to a few guys from that night. But reading back, it's pretty boring and typical. I meet a guy, he ends up being a douche after having too much to drink. I meet another guy, but only after he showed interest in the roomie, so I'm the sloppy seconds. I even got asked out by the karaoke DJ, and I said yes. But chickened out, because the pressure of being cute and charming all the time is getting to me. Everyone says to be yourself, but in the beginning you are trying to be the best version of yourself. It's tiring.

I will probably still attempt to go out with him if he doesn't hate me. But man, when you aren't the youngest, thinnest, most attractive girl, it makes it that much harder. And I'm not. I've always thought of myself as kind of strange looking compared to most girls. I have squinty eyes, a small nose, and a round face. And I'm not kidding myself, I have a ways to go to be comfortable with my body. I guess no one saw that I was self-conscious, cause everyone I've talked to from high school has said I composed myself with great confidence. People said they had crushed on me, but no one really ever said anything. I'm sure it had a lot to do with having a boyfriend most of high school. But I definitely wouldn't have stayed with the asshole for so long had I known anyone had an interest. I honestly thought no one else was really going to like me, and that my high school boyfriend was the best I could do. I guess I should give him a nickname, as I'm sure he will be popping up quite frequently. Hmm...The Ego sounds appropriate. He is now named The Ego. I will get to him, don't worry.

Anyway, I have so many ideas to post about. I really need to clear my head so I can put together something that makes sense and isn't overwhelming. Honestly I'm so overwhelmed by my own thoughts. I'm not a writer, but I'm trying to put together something cohesive. I do want this to be a story, more than just writing random thoughts all the time. I promise this will get interesting.

Ex Messages

2009-09-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

And when you're dancing and laughing and finally living.
Hear my voice in your head and think of me kindly.

I am writing on my nice bristol board paper and with my Faber-Castell H pencil because I don't own a fucking notepad or a regular pencil. I usually have these passing thoughts, it's frustrating when I finally get the chance to write, I can't remember shit.

I have been getting messages from The Ex. And not the typical ones, where he states how I broke his heart. And how I threw away 7 years together. They usually end with how cold-hearted I am, and please think of him as dead. They always end with goodbye. I never thought about how final 'goodbye' sounds. If you think about it, who says 'goodbye' anymore. His goodbyes are never final though. I usually get pages and pages of text messages. The first will be the typical hurt speech. The next will be some mean jab at me, then that will be followed by an apology and the 'goodbye'.

I hate that he is struggling. So bad...

I don't want to hurt anyone. No one does, but I have a tendency to stay with people for years because I don't want to hurt them. Anyway, the conversations have been extremely draining, because I want him to pull out of this. It was becoming very destructive. And I worried about his health and his safety.

But the other day he asks if he can take me out to talk. And I know where this is going. His text messages become very apologetic and reflective. And I know where this is going. There comes a point in my break-ups, it never fails, where they get this clarity. Where they stop playing victim, and there's this realization of what they've lost. I don't claim to be perfect, but I think I'm a pretty awesome girlfriend. I'm extremely laid back, almost too much. This attitude gets taken advantage of. This is what's happening with The Ex. I know he want to put everything on the table for another chance. He wants to tell me how he's different, and how he will be different. And I'm going to have to tell him it's too late. I have to break his heart again. I get teared up just thinking about it. I've had to do this with every serious relationship I've been in. It's so weird, but I find it easier to deal with being hurt than hurting someone else. Unfortunately, I've learned that finding the right person involves hurting a lot of good people.

The Single Atheist in Utah

2009-09-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

Let's talk a little about the dating scene in Utah. I had mentioned above that I'm 30, well I will be 30 this month. Most people in Utah understand the challenges right away. You see, mormon culture is overwhelming. Generally the dating scene is over for most people in high school. Guys go on their missions around age 19. Then they come home and there is a small amount of dating. Most guys have girls waiting for them, and they marry pretty quickly when they get home. Other than that, I believe guys turn to people that they already know, or who are part of their ward. And I think I've been told about the singles ward once or twice. There really are slim pickins at my age, since most everyone scooped each other up pretty early. Strangely enough, I was dating a mormon all through high school. And I almost waited for him while he was on mission. This is another post all together.

Add to the fact that I'm an atheist. I just talked about that most people meet each other within their small church communities. Obviously this creates a problem for an atheist. I generally avoid dating mormons, just because of the potential issues in the future. I have dated mormons before, and I have no problem with it, as long as they understand who I am. And know that they will not be able to convert me at all. Period. But, I'm sure mormons avoid me as much as I avoid them. Most mormons or even religious people in general assume that atheists have no morals. Which isn't true, I have most of the same morals, they just come from the laws and common sense instead of the bible. But, we won't get into the backgrounds of atheism. I want to keep any talk of atheism in relation to dating.

The most recent person I dated was a mormon. I'll call him The Good Guy. (A lot of my friends will disagree with the nickname, but I stand by it). I knew him back in high school. He dated and married a friend of mine from high school. We reconnected on facebook (which apparently is the way to meet people these days). I was dating this guy while he was going through a pretty bad divorce. This should have sent up red flags, but he convinced me that he was okay with dating. The story of The Good Guy is long, and I will save it for another post. But he didn't seem to have a problem that I was an atheist, although I got the feeling that he was looking for the exact opposite of what his ex-wife was. And that is just asking to be rebound material. Another lesson I learned quite painfully.

So when I talk about the challenges of dating, maybe I mean it's more a challenge to meet people who are interested. My roomie and I agreed that if I were living in New York it wouldn't be an issue. Or a lot of other places for that matter. Culturally diverse places see a lot less discriminating taste and they aren't getting married off at age 18-21 on average. We decided that if I'm still single at 35, I'm packing my bags and moving. Cause, you know....in Utah, it's game over man, game over.

Note to Self

2009-09-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

As I am just starting this blog, things might be somewhat confusing to the reader. I haven't even begun to flesh out my backstory. I am learning lessons, or more appropriately, I am trying to learn lessons about my dating habits. One of my long standing habits is drinking and flirting. A deadly combo. I think that I'm decent at flirting and being charming. But when I pass the point to full on drunkeness, things fall apart. I am extremely forward and agressive. And most the time, it will involve kissing. I love to kiss, more than anything. And for some reason I drink, and drink...and then it's on to kissing. This might not seem like such a terrible thing. But I would like to be the type of person to at least kiss people I'm interested in, as opposed to the people who happen to be standing closest to me. That is an exaggeration, but you get the point.

The biggest problem here is I am making people think I'm interested when I'm not. And I feel terrible about that. I really do. I don't want to hurt anyone. And I am already on that path.

The other problem is that I may come across as easy. And generally you are not going attract the guys with the best intentions or expectations. I will say one thing, I am not a slut. It is going to be interesting to date at this age and know how sex fits in. I don't do casual sex, and I think I've already experienced rejection because of not wanting to be a booty call. I say that I think, because I'm not positive if that was the reason. I'm just assuming.

Anyway...note to self...no more heavy drinking while dating.

The Purpose

2009-09-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

I guess I have to start this somewhere. And I guess the best place to start might be with the why.

I have another personal blog. It's not huge, just a few friends drop in to take a peek at my boring little life. But my blog has been lacking in posts. Due to certain things happening in my life, I feel a little bad about being extremely specific. Especially with the people that are part of my life. I find blogs to be therapeutic, and also a great way to look back on your life and who you were at different times. But I hate having to leave such big aspects of my life out in fear of hurting peoples feelings. So, instead of making my blog private, which I have always tried to avoid. I'm attempting to do an anonymous blog. I'm hoping that I can share feelings and experiences without certain people in my life being hurt. And still allow everyone to share my experiences with me.

The main purpose of this blog is to share my dating experiences, past and present. I will not be using my name, or any names for that matter. That way I don't have to worry about the people I'm dating coming across this. At least I hope. *crosses fingers* So for the interest of anonymity, if you know me, please don't mention any names in the comment section. And if you know who I'm dating, I would appreciate you not mentioning this blog.

I am by no means a great writer, so don't come into this expecting it to be grand literature. I'm sure I will spend some time going back and forth between present dating, and reflecting on my previous relationships. I'm hoping this little experiment works, and I'm hoping that people will get some entertainment out of my situation. Because everyone knows that dating has always been quite the adventure.