This blog didn't end up the way i'd hoped. I wanted it to be fun, and flirtatious. Wacky adventures in dating. But it became my place to vent, because I didn't have anyone to vent to. It did document my falling in love with someone. A person that is more special to me than anyone. And the adventures we have had together were wonderful. My only regret is not writing more about the great times. And they outweigh the heartache I have so often filled this blog with.
To The DJ:
I want you to know how lovely you are. Don't let anyone tell you different. You are sweet, good-hearted, easy on the eyes (you know this), hilarious, and amazingly talented. I am so fucking lucky to have met you. Every person I meet in the future will pale in comparison to you.
You are my best friend, my true love. And I just wish my timing was better.
Love Teisha Marie
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Calm 6:09 AM
Maybe it's just the calm before the storm. But I was going through a bunch of old messages, and little quotes. I try so goddamn hard to document things that are special to me. And I just smiled. I kind of feel like I'm going to be okay. I keep telling myself that it's over, because that's what everyone tells is the best thing for me. I just kind of don't believe it. That might upset some of you. I know it does. And I don't know what to say except I take comfort in thinking he will still be part of my life. He's my best friend. Maybe he has already moved on, and i'm sure i will still bitch and moan that things aren't going my way. But just momentarily, I need this calm.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Fuck. 11:50 PM
This weekend has been a disaster, and I am at my breaking point. I am trying to pick up the pieces and hold my head high. But I miss him so much. He just picked up and left on a vacation that we were supposed to take together. Leaving a tornado of drama, without so much as a word. I am at the club, after spending days in bed. On pain meds and drinking. It's all been a blur. But boys keep hitting on me, and my skin crawls. I don't want anyone else to touch me again. And I am sitting in the bathroom listening to idiotic girls complain about their husband and boyfriends. How is it that these awful girls have managed to pair off, and no matter how hard I try to be an amazing girlfriend I can't keep a guy. And no matter how many times i'm told that it isn't me, I don't believe it.
I deleted my Facebook again, because I know when he gets home, there will be tons of posts and pictures. Of him having a blast. I remember last summer enough to try to avoid the hurt I am going to feel when I see it. It seems over dramatic, but i'm devastated. And it's only going to get worse.
I deleted my Facebook again, because I know when he gets home, there will be tons of posts and pictures. Of him having a blast. I remember last summer enough to try to avoid the hurt I am going to feel when I see it. It seems over dramatic, but i'm devastated. And it's only going to get worse.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Circles and... 2:43 AM
Night 1 of being alone again. I thought I was going to be okay after this break-up. But I'm not. I feel empty and embarrassed. Especially knowing for a fact he is happy that we are over. I continually think that I can be good enough. And I am always wrong.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
...and Circles. 7:03 PM
I can't ever tell if I have amazing intuition. Or if things keep going bad because I expect them to. I spoke about this a few posts ago. But I believe that people are creatures of habit. They make constant excuses for their future selves, because they have never proven themselves wrong. 'I am going to sabotage this relationship, because that's just what I've always done.' It blows my mind, this makes absolutely no sense to me. If you honestly know that you have a tendency to do something that you aren't particularly proud of or unhappy about, you learn your lesson, and try to improve. If you don't, and just continually make the same damn mistake, then you aren't necessarily unhappy about the actions that bring you to the same point.
The DJ keeps reminding me, and himself, and everyone that he will always sabotage his relationships because he knows he will always end up alone. I keep choosing to ignore this, and enjoy myself until it becomes unbearable. It's funny, I was talking about him at first. But I now see I am making the same mistakes over and over. I always stick around, and fight, and try to prove myself. Until there is nothing else I can do.
Anyway, so I have been discouraged lately. At first, we both believed we couldn't live without each other. That 'we' were inevitable. Then we are around each other constantly. And things become routine. And I have no problem with that, but I know he does.
Goddamn it! What the fuck am I even writing??
Habits. He has been gone this entire week at his work. And he doesn't really miss me that much. And he's planning trips with people without me, and telling his friends how much he misses them and trying to plan things with them. And none of this is a big deal, except not a month ago he was saying how none of these people are important to him. And I realize that he did this exact same thing the last time he dumped me. And am I being paranoid, or am I trying to protect myself? Why can't I be content? Why can't I be happy with now?
Because I know I want more than this. He knows it too.
More and more, I keep thinking I don't belong here. I am in a pool of people who have no faith in relationships. The people who do, are already paired off. I kind of wonder if I should save for a bit, pack up and leave. To France, Japan, London.
Anywhere. Just get away from this culture. I doubt it would solve anything, because ultimately...wherever I go, there I am.
The DJ keeps reminding me, and himself, and everyone that he will always sabotage his relationships because he knows he will always end up alone. I keep choosing to ignore this, and enjoy myself until it becomes unbearable. It's funny, I was talking about him at first. But I now see I am making the same mistakes over and over. I always stick around, and fight, and try to prove myself. Until there is nothing else I can do.
Anyway, so I have been discouraged lately. At first, we both believed we couldn't live without each other. That 'we' were inevitable. Then we are around each other constantly. And things become routine. And I have no problem with that, but I know he does.
Goddamn it! What the fuck am I even writing??
Habits. He has been gone this entire week at his work. And he doesn't really miss me that much. And he's planning trips with people without me, and telling his friends how much he misses them and trying to plan things with them. And none of this is a big deal, except not a month ago he was saying how none of these people are important to him. And I realize that he did this exact same thing the last time he dumped me. And am I being paranoid, or am I trying to protect myself? Why can't I be content? Why can't I be happy with now?
Because I know I want more than this. He knows it too.
More and more, I keep thinking I don't belong here. I am in a pool of people who have no faith in relationships. The people who do, are already paired off. I kind of wonder if I should save for a bit, pack up and leave. To France, Japan, London.
Anywhere. Just get away from this culture. I doubt it would solve anything, because ultimately...wherever I go, there I am.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Texts 8:32 PM
'We don't have any real problems outside of the very, very superficial, but we have this one very real underlying problem that I feel like is just going to get worse over time and that's that you want to know what's going to happen. You want long-term, a future. I don't like knowing. I like uncertainty. I like to feel like at any moment I could pack my bags and leave for Denver and no one would care.'
This one hit me like a ton of bricks.
This one hit me like a ton of bricks.
Questions 5:11 PM
I am forciing myself to write. And I really, really don't want to. I want life to be rainbows and kisses. I at least want my relationship to feel like that. And it mostly has. But I just have this little part of me that is telling myself, 'You are in denial.'
The DJ and I are doing stellar. I stay at his house all the time. We are doing the sober thing together. It has been lovely. But he keeps dropping these little hints. These little ticking time bombs. He constantly throws into conversations how he is so happy that he knows he's never going to get married. In subtle ways. To me and to his friends. I don't call him my boyfriend and he won't call me his girlfriend. We are 'dating'. And this is supposed to be good enough for me.
I am presently moving to a new place. And his roomie is moving out. The logical thing would be to move in together, since I stay there all the time anyway. But there is not a single mention of it. All I hear is how excited he is that it's going to be his place.
And I just can't help but feel like he is trying to make sure he has an easy out. When and if the time comes that he wants to move on, he won't have to worry about seperating things, or telling people that he is single. If he decides he wants to date other people, he can just say that we were never officially together.
We are doing this sober thing and eating better thing together. And I told him today that I am not asking him to make any promises, but if we do this together, and then spring comes around and he decides he doesn't want me around anymore so he can play, I am going to be fucking pissed. He just tells me to shutup. There is not an ounce of reassurance on his end. And sometimes I feel like it's because he knows. He has done it twice before, and I think he knows himself, and is just trying to have the best of both worlds until he gets bored with me. God, am I being paranoid?
And I sit here asking myself. Should I protect myself? Or should I stop worrying and just let life happen. I can't seem to find a middle ground. I am really good and just pretending the problem doesn't exist, until BAM! I am in the middle of getting dumped. And he knows, just as well as I do, that if he does it again...I'm not coming back this time.
He is one of the most confusing people. He will tell me that he can't escape me, to please be patient with him because he knows he wants to spend his life with me. He just doesn't want it to be now. I will never be one of those girls who throw ultimatums, because that is asking for resentment down the road. So, how long should I be patient? Or should I be patient at all? I know I want to spend my life with him, but is this going to be another situation where I am going to have to chalk up this relationship to just bad timing.
So many questions that are just going to go unanswered. Because just as much as he is a creature of habit, I am as well. And he will most likely push me to the breaking point, and I will let him.
The DJ and I are doing stellar. I stay at his house all the time. We are doing the sober thing together. It has been lovely. But he keeps dropping these little hints. These little ticking time bombs. He constantly throws into conversations how he is so happy that he knows he's never going to get married. In subtle ways. To me and to his friends. I don't call him my boyfriend and he won't call me his girlfriend. We are 'dating'. And this is supposed to be good enough for me.
I am presently moving to a new place. And his roomie is moving out. The logical thing would be to move in together, since I stay there all the time anyway. But there is not a single mention of it. All I hear is how excited he is that it's going to be his place.
And I just can't help but feel like he is trying to make sure he has an easy out. When and if the time comes that he wants to move on, he won't have to worry about seperating things, or telling people that he is single. If he decides he wants to date other people, he can just say that we were never officially together.
We are doing this sober thing and eating better thing together. And I told him today that I am not asking him to make any promises, but if we do this together, and then spring comes around and he decides he doesn't want me around anymore so he can play, I am going to be fucking pissed. He just tells me to shutup. There is not an ounce of reassurance on his end. And sometimes I feel like it's because he knows. He has done it twice before, and I think he knows himself, and is just trying to have the best of both worlds until he gets bored with me. God, am I being paranoid?
And I sit here asking myself. Should I protect myself? Or should I stop worrying and just let life happen. I can't seem to find a middle ground. I am really good and just pretending the problem doesn't exist, until BAM! I am in the middle of getting dumped. And he knows, just as well as I do, that if he does it again...I'm not coming back this time.
He is one of the most confusing people. He will tell me that he can't escape me, to please be patient with him because he knows he wants to spend his life with me. He just doesn't want it to be now. I will never be one of those girls who throw ultimatums, because that is asking for resentment down the road. So, how long should I be patient? Or should I be patient at all? I know I want to spend my life with him, but is this going to be another situation where I am going to have to chalk up this relationship to just bad timing.
So many questions that are just going to go unanswered. Because just as much as he is a creature of habit, I am as well. And he will most likely push me to the breaking point, and I will let him.
