Goodbye 12:43 AM

This blog didn't end up the way i'd hoped. I wanted it to be fun, and flirtatious. Wacky adventures in dating. But it became my place to vent, because I didn't have anyone to vent to. It did document my falling in love with someone. A person that is more special to me than anyone. And the adventures we have had together were wonderful. My only regret is not writing more about the great times. And they outweigh the heartache I have so often filled this blog with.

To The DJ:

I want you to know how lovely you are. Don't let anyone tell you different. You are sweet, good-hearted, easy on the eyes (you know this), hilarious, and amazingly talented. I am so fucking lucky to have met you. Every person I meet in the future will pale in comparison to you.

You are my best friend, my true love. And I just wish my timing was better.

Love Teisha Marie

Calm 6:09 AM

Maybe it's just the calm before the storm. But I was going through a bunch of old messages, and little quotes. I try so goddamn hard to document things that are special to me. And I just smiled. I kind of feel like I'm going to be okay. I keep telling myself that it's over, because that's what everyone tells is the best thing for me. I just kind of don't believe it. That might upset some of you. I know it does. And I don't know what to say except I take comfort in thinking he will still be part of my life. He's my best friend. Maybe he has already moved on, and i'm sure i will still bitch and moan that things aren't going my way. But just momentarily, I need this calm.

Fuck. 11:50 PM

This weekend has been a disaster, and I am at my breaking point. I am trying to pick up the pieces and hold my head high. But I miss him so much. He just picked up and left on a vacation that we were supposed to take together. Leaving a tornado of drama, without so much as a word. I am at the club, after spending days in bed. On pain meds and drinking. It's all been a blur. But boys keep hitting on me, and my skin crawls. I don't want anyone else to touch me again. And I am sitting in the bathroom listening to idiotic girls complain about their husband and boyfriends. How is it that these awful girls have managed to pair off, and no matter how hard I try to be an amazing girlfriend I can't keep a guy. And no matter how many times i'm told that it isn't me, I don't believe it.

I deleted my Facebook again, because I know when he gets home, there will be tons of posts and pictures. Of him having a blast. I remember last summer enough to try to avoid the hurt I am going to feel when I see it. It seems over dramatic, but i'm devastated. And it's only going to get worse.

Circles and... 2:43 AM

Night 1 of being alone again. I thought I was going to be okay after this break-up. But I'm not. I feel empty and embarrassed. Especially knowing for a fact he is happy that we are over. I continually think that I can be good enough. And I am always wrong.

...and Circles. 7:03 PM

I can't ever tell if I have amazing intuition. Or if things keep going bad because I expect them to. I spoke about this a few posts ago. But I believe that people are creatures of habit. They make constant excuses for their future selves, because they have never proven themselves wrong. 'I am going to sabotage this relationship, because that's just what I've always done.' It blows my mind, this makes absolutely no sense to me. If you honestly know that you have a tendency to do something that you aren't particularly proud of or unhappy about, you learn your lesson, and try to improve. If you don't, and just continually make the same damn mistake, then you aren't necessarily unhappy about the actions that bring you to the same point.

The DJ keeps reminding me, and himself, and everyone that he will always sabotage his relationships because he knows he will always end up alone. I keep choosing to ignore this, and enjoy myself until it becomes unbearable. It's funny, I was talking about him at first. But I now see I am making the same mistakes over and over. I always stick around, and fight, and try to prove myself. Until there is nothing else I can do.

Anyway, so I have been discouraged lately. At first, we both believed we couldn't live without each other. That 'we' were inevitable. Then we are around each other constantly. And things become routine. And I have no problem with that, but I know he does.

Goddamn it! What the fuck am I even writing??

Habits. He has been gone this entire week at his work. And he doesn't really miss me that much. And he's planning trips with people without me, and telling his friends how much he misses them and trying to plan things with them. And none of this is a big deal, except not a month ago he was saying how none of these people are important to him. And I realize that he did this exact same thing the last time he dumped me. And am I being paranoid, or am I trying to protect myself? Why can't I be content? Why can't I be happy with now?

Because I know I want more than this. He knows it too.

More and more, I keep thinking I don't belong here. I am in a pool of people who have no faith in relationships. The people who do, are already paired off. I kind of wonder if I should save for a bit, pack up and leave. To France, Japan, London.

Anywhere. Just get away from this culture. I doubt it would solve anything, because ultimately...wherever I go, there I am.

Texts 8:32 PM

'We don't have any real problems outside of the very, very superficial, but we have this one very real underlying problem that I feel like is just going to get worse over time and that's that you want to know what's going to happen. You want long-term, a future. I don't like knowing. I like uncertainty. I like to feel like at any moment I could pack my bags and leave for Denver and no one would care.'

This one hit me like a ton of bricks.

Questions 5:11 PM

I am forciing myself to write. And I really, really don't want to. I want life to be rainbows and kisses. I at least want my relationship to feel like that. And it mostly has. But I just have this little part of me that is telling myself, 'You are in denial.'

The DJ and I are doing stellar. I stay at his house all the time. We are doing the sober thing together. It has been lovely. But he keeps dropping these little hints. These little ticking time bombs. He constantly throws into conversations how he is so happy that he knows he's never going to get married. In subtle ways. To me and to his friends. I don't call him my boyfriend and he won't call me his girlfriend. We are 'dating'. And this is supposed to be good enough for me.

I am presently moving to a new place. And his roomie is moving out. The logical thing would be to move in together, since I stay there all the time anyway. But there is not a single mention of it. All I hear is how excited he is that it's going to be his place.

And I just can't help but feel like he is trying to make sure he has an easy out. When and if the time comes that he wants to move on, he won't have to worry about seperating things, or telling people that he is single. If he decides he wants to date other people, he can just say that we were never officially together.

We are doing this sober thing and eating better thing together. And I told him today that I am not asking him to make any promises, but if we do this together, and then spring comes around and he decides he doesn't want me around anymore so he can play, I am going to be fucking pissed. He just tells me to shutup. There is not an ounce of reassurance on his end. And sometimes I feel like it's because he knows. He has done it twice before, and I think he knows himself, and is just trying to have the best of both worlds until he gets bored with me. God, am I being paranoid?

And I sit here asking myself. Should I protect myself? Or should I stop worrying and just let life happen. I can't seem to find a middle ground. I am really good and just pretending the problem doesn't exist, until BAM! I am in the middle of getting dumped. And he knows, just as well as I do, that if he does it again...I'm not coming back this time.

He is one of the most confusing people. He will tell me that he can't escape me, to please be patient with him because he knows he wants to spend his life with me. He just doesn't want it to be now. I will never be one of those girls who throw ultimatums, because that is asking for resentment down the road. So, how long should I be patient? Or should I be patient at all? I know I want to spend my life with him, but is this going to be another situation where I am going to have to chalk up this relationship to just bad timing.

So many questions that are just going to go unanswered. Because just as much as he is a creature of habit, I am as well. And he will most likely push me to the breaking point, and I will let him.

Panic 11:20 AM

I am getting extremely mad at myself right now. I have to keep talking myself down. And I shouldn’t have to do this for such a tiny thing. I am writing about this here, because it’s such a tiny problem, I would feel completely retarded to bring it up to him.
Things have been completely wonderful, as I wrote in the last post. We talk to each other every day, he tells me he misses me all the time. And then he has the night off, and I knew he was going to go out. I know better than to ask what he is doing and who with, because I honestly don’t want to know. Ignorance has suited me lately. But usually, even when he goes out, he will shoot me a text. Or he will call me just to hear the sound of my voice. And last night…nothing. And I go into a small panic mode.

I guess a little background is due. The DJ and I started slowly seeing each other again after the second break-up. Very slowly. I started to trust his feelings for me again. Even though neither of us really mentioned getting back together. He would always talk about how eventually he knew we would end up together. But it was a distant future type of thing. We were dating, but not officially together. I would occasionally ask him if he was seeing someone else, and the reply was always no.

But, I started sensing something was up. He stopped texting late at night, telling me he loved me or missed me. And at that point I was trying to play it off like I didn’t care. But of course it drove me nutty. Sometime had passed, and I still was uneasy. There was a girls choice dance that was coming up, and he had hinted that he wanted me to ask him. I was extremely excited, because it made me feel like I was being paranoid for no reason. I went to his place to decorate and ask him to the dance. And there was his phone, sitting on his desk.

Yeah.

Needless to say, I looked through it. And I found exactly what I was afraid of. I won’t go into details, but he was seeing someone, and he wasn’t being honest about it. I told him that we were done. To which he first got angry, then got sad and regretful. Dammit, I am trying very hard not to go into storyteller mode, and I am not doing a good job. I wanted this to be a very short re-telling so I can make my original point.

I went back and forth on if I could date him knowing he was seeing someone else. And ultimately decided I would try. To which he eventually stopped seeing her. Which brought us to the point we are at. Which brings me to why I get so damn paranoid when he doesn’t text me when he goes out. WHEW!

I don’t want to feel like this. I know it has been such a huge problem with me. I know that unless I get over it, I will end up right back where I don’t want to be. Where I become so overwhelming, that end up scaring him away again. But where is the line? Where I end up sacrificing my own happiness just to walk the tightrope for him? He still betrayed my trust, and that feeling lingers a little. Even though I know if I choose to continue to see him, I have to let go of the trust issues. We still aren’t officially together, so he has every right to do whatever he wants without having to answer to me. But I don’t think I am asking him to answer to me. It goes back to knowing that his heart is with me when I’m not around. And when he gives just that little bit, I feel so much better. And when he doesn’t, I feel like it’s impending doom.

Breathe 1:52 PM

I have written so much about heartbreak and loss on here. And I forget to write about falling in love and happiness. And that was originally what I wanted this blog to be about. Obviously, I knew there would be ups and downs. But I focus so much on the downs. I read back and think to myself 'man, there were so many good times, and I just skipped right over them.' I don't know why I do this.

So, I am in love...again. And I am going to write about the good stuff this time. I have already missed a lot of it. And I am sad for that. Because he says and does some of the sweetest things.

The DJ and I are hopelessly attached to each other. And this time we are taking things very slowly. We see each other about 2-3 times a week. Which is just enough to miss each other, but not so long that I get frustrated. As I have written about many times on this blog. I am very co-dependent, and being without him for long periods of time makes me extremely anxious. I am doing better with that.

There are a ton of 'miss yous' and 'love yous'. And boy do I relish in it. Like a giant cushy bed covered in soft pillows, I roll around in the warmth, and I never want to leave that bed. Sappy. He created our own little facebook page that only he and I can see. And there are plenty of little love letters to each other.

We have had such a lovely time together. And it's hard to come back down. I keep reminding myself to breathe, because I get so excited at the idea of a future together. Which we both know is pretty much inevitable at this point. We really can't escape each other. I have to tell myself to slow down. That is one of my biggest problems. Instead of enjoying every moment, I want my future with him to start now. I watch videos and read blogs about happily married couples enjoying their little lives on this big planet. And I get choked up, cause I want that for us. I know it's going to be just amazing. We aren't officially together, because he wants to be ready to take the next step. Do it as it comes naturally, instead of forcing it, which can lead to a ton of resentment. And my stupid little brain throws it's little brain tantrum. 'NOW NOW NOW'

It's not really the whole getting married thing, or settling down. Those aren't things that I associate with the future. Truthfully, the only reason I want to get married sooner than later is so I still look relatively young and pretty in my wedding pictures. Which is quite irrelevent in the grand scheme of things. And I sure as hell don't want to settle down. I want to party and play until my body tells me to fuck off.

I just want to know he's mine. Not in the ownership sense. I hate that ball and chain crap and I have never been good at it. Just knowing that his heart is with me, even when he isn't physically with me. He texted this to me once:

'I think I'm feeling for you what you feel for me. Like I miss you and I wish I was just with you right now. This is gonna sound faggy but I think I'm longing for you right now or something.'

Longing is the best way to put it. I know sometimes people need their space, but I like for that longing to be there. It makes me feel better. Like I can breathe.

And so until the future is here, I am enjoying the now. I'm bathing in it. Every tiny little drop of it. Every smile, every kiss, every whisper, every giggle. All of it.

Disaster 12:25 AM

I do this thing where I think of the worst case scenario and practice how I would react in my head. I am always thinking of the worst thing that could happen. And I prepare myself. Exactly what I would say, how I would move my eyebrows, how I would leave the room. I am always preparing myself for doom.

DOOM DOOM DOOM!!

I have read articles and heard plenty of people say that your outlook on life affects how your life unfolds. If you are positive and think optimistically, good things will happen. And if you are pessimistic...blah blah.

You all know where this is going.

Was I always waiting for disaster to strike? Fuck no! I was perky and happy-go-lucky in junior high. Weren't we all? Not from what I here. I have always thought of myself as extremely fortunate to have the childhood and adolescence that I had. But, as I got older, I formed relationships. And slowly I became cautious. Was it because I had a chip on my shoulder? Or was it because of who I chose to trust with my most intimate feelings. I hate passing blame, because every move I made was my own choice. So then the question arises, am I a glutton for punishment? Am I one of those girls who chooses to be with people who will constantly 'challenge' her. To put it lightly.

Where does the responsibility lie? Or is there any responsibility to be had? Am I a product of society, upbringing, situations, relationships, influences? FUCK!! Am I a product of anything except my own DNA encoding? Anyone with any sense of logic would say all of the above.

And yet, how do I fix it? How do I stop this pessimism? After so long my mind has been trained, in some way, to constantly look over my shoulder. My inner voice tells me it's for my own protection. But am I creating my own disaster by expecting it?

Circles 10:03 PM

I have had a hard time convincing myself to write anything. After a while, it seems like I am writing the same thing over and over. Feeling the same things. In the exact same order. A broken record.

When I started this blog, I decided to invite a few of my close friends and family to follow along. Their advice and insight was important to me. But what I didn't foresee was that it might affect how they saw me. Since they knew the people I was talking about, and they saw the heartbreak and anxiety I was going through, it became a means to not like the person that was putting me through it. And so as things changed yet again, and The DJ and I started seeing each other, some people were not particularly happy with that decision. I didn't realize that me being open about my feelings through this whole process, even outside of the blog, people would have such a negative reaction to The DJ personally.

Since I am living at home, my parents have seen how much I struggled after he dumped me. And I told them almost everything. Mistake.

Now, my dad has even told me that he is not welcome in his house. I couldn't even believe that he felt so strongly. My relationship with The Ex was extremely volatile, and it affected me more negatively than anything I'd ever been through. I was emotionally abused and manipulated on a constant basis. He made me feel terrible about who I was, I gained insane amounts of weight out of depression. I stopped communicating with friends because his jealousy was out of control. 6 years of my life, and I was completely miserable. My parents knew it. But not once did they ever say he wasn't welcome in their house. And then The DJ, yes he broke my heart twice. Yes it was painful. But only because he was choosing not to be with me. Not because he made me miserable, or manipulated me. Just the terrible feeling of loss and loneliness.

And I think it's because I have been too damn open about every little feeling I have. I feel awful, and it hangs over my head. The DJ and I have fallen in love...again. And we both know that we can't escape each other. That sense that we have found something we won't come across again. We are not trying to rush into anything serious, and by no means has it been an easy 4 months. But he has told me that he knows we will end up together, and he knows he wants to marry me. And in knowing that, it has created this barrier between my family and I. I feel like I can't be honest when I go to hang out with him. Because when I say I am, I get lectured. They tell me not to get back together with him, that they don't like him. It breaks my heart that I made them see him in this light. I never meant to make him seem awful, because honestly he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in god knows how long, I feel like myself again. I am still working through self esteem issues from The Ex. But The DJ loves everything about me.

I have a lot of issues to work on myself, before I can be in a lasting relationship with him. Our schedules don't permit us to see a lot of each other. And I struggle with that. I won't get to see him until next Saturday, and the anxiety builds until then. I have thought about seeing a therapist, because I don't think it's very natural to be this anxious with even the thought of being without him. I guess that is all dependent on my financial situation if I am able to do it. But until then, an insane amount of distraction is all I can do.

As for this blog and my readers. I have thought about possibly doing a new blog, and making it strictly anonymous. Not allowing people that I personally know to see this. But I have put my heart and soul into this one. I think that I am just going to say this. To those of you that know me. Please don't judge. I understand that you love me, and you only want what's best for me. But I know that every single one of you, be it short relationships or long marriages, you have had your struggles. You have had partners who have made huge mistakes, and I'm sure you have also made your own mistakes. But if you truly love someone, you work through them. And this is what we are doing. If I vent, it's because it's my way of working through the small things so it doesn't become big. It's not because he isn't amazing, or that I don't love him with all my heart. And I absolutely do.

I never stopped.

The Heart 4:28 PM

The heart fell off on Thursday night.

The chain was taken off today.




I miss you already, but I don't know what else to do.

Been a while 5:31 PM

I haven't had the need to write here as much. I always think this is a good thing, in that I am usually depressed when I feel like writing. So things haven't been as terrible.

I definitely have some catching up to do, but I just wanted to remember this conversation I had with The DJ.

We were having lunch, celebrating the news that I finally got a job. And out of the blue he says, 'I don't know what my problem is.'

I ask him what he means, and he just repeats himself. Again, I wonder what the hell he is talking about.

He says, 'I have this list of things I want in a girl, and you fit every one perfectly. You're cute as hell, you're funny, you're sweet, you're adventurous in the sack. I don't know what my problem is.'

I tell him I don't know what to say. He continues 'I've had an amazing time with you the past few days. It would be stupid not to give it another go with you, but I know in a month I would just freak out again.'

At this point I say that I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Unhappy Birthday 1:11 AM

It is The DJ's birthday.

And I keep playing Unhappy Birthday by The Smiths. Over and over again.


I had so many plans when we were together. I spoke to friends to do paintings, and a cool remix of The Portal song. I had so many plans.

Fuck. I am trying to think of what to say. But the confusion is unbearable at this point. The sadness is unbearable. There is going to be a huge party Friday. And I won't be there.

He wonders why I am so sad.

It's because I loved him so much. I cared about him. I would have done anything for him.

What it comes down to. The pain, the hurt. No one wants to know that the person you love more than anyone, doesn't want to be with you. With me.

It's consuming. It doesn't make sense in my mind. I cannot think of anything else.




Happy Birthday Mister.

Drink and be ill tonight. From the one you left behind.

The Curb 1:49 AM

The curb. The curb that I have been avoiding since I got here.

It is infamous in my mind. It is the curb of contemplation.

The curb of misery, of pain, of contempt.

This curb has been probably the one significant constant in my life. I keep looking at it. It calls to me. Like a siren waiting to drown me. It's song is hypnotic.

It's my song.

After every heartbreak, I would sit there and stair at the stars, at my star. It's not actually a star. It's a planet, which is something I learned later on. I was never sure what planet it was, but I decided it was Venus. I don't know why.

I tried to give it away once. To my first boyfriend. The Goth. I was 16. Out of pure romantic intentions, I pulled him outside and told him I wanted to give something to him. It was my star, and it meant everything to me. I used to make wishes on it. And I wanted him to have it.

And he laughed. He said that you can't give stars away. This is a true story. I was devastated.

He soon dumped me. Not to my face. He just decided to start ignoring me one day. Hoping I would just go away. And I did.

And so, I would sit on that curb, and stare at my star. And I would cry. I thought that maybe the universe knew something that I didn't. I didn't know anything about religion or god. So there was nothing to pray to. I just stared and hoped that I would have some kind of understanding.

My second boyfriend was a curb kind of boyfriend. The Ego. He lied to me constantly. Betrayed my trust on a daily basis. But I always tried to be the cool girlfriend. I let him do whatever he wanted, so people didn't think I was typical. So he didn't think I was typical. I was always extremely laid back. I did whatever he asked, and when he didn't want me around, I relented. I would disappear in my bedroom until he came calling. This is the beginnings of what defines me in a relationship. I was told constantly that he was cheating on me, but I didn't think it was fair to make those kind of accusations unless I had undeniable proof. I was incredibly trusting. Even after I caught him in so many lies, I never punished him for it. After 4 years, I got a proposal when he was on his mission. But he came home early, and claimed that he didn't mean any of it. He was mentally not in the right place. And so I gave up.

I spent so much time on the curb when I was with him. I always thought if you were compassionate, understanding, trusting. It would be enough. But it wasn't. It was a way for a boy to have his cake and eat it too. I was so confused. And so I looked to the stars. Hoping still that they would tell me something.

Very soon after I met my third boyfriend. The Goof. That is such a terrible nickname. But to me it is complimentary. Because it was the reason I fell in love with him. He and I were perfect. I adored him and had such a blast. The relationship was full of honesty and trust. He included me in everything. It was such a change from my previous. But after a few years, he dumped me. While we were living together. I can't even remember why. I don't think there was any good reason. It was extremely hard living together and him starting to date. I went out constantly, so as not to deal with my living environment. I immediately fell for a very tall, very dark, handsome man. The Ex. He was married at the time though. We both spent a lot of time together, but we had agreed that nothing could happen until he left his wife. Which was about 8 months later. In the meantime, I still ended up moving back to my parents. And I still ended up on that curb. The confusion was building. The Goof had started to realize what he had lost, but The Ex was manipulative and jealous. He didn't like that he was married and had no control over our relationship, or the relationship I had with The Goof. And so he left his wife, and moved in with his brother. Soon, I was basically living with him at his brothers house.

We had a very long, tumultuous relationship. Filled with jealousy, anger and lies. On both ends. He made me feel bad about who I was. And so I disappeared. From my social life. From my friends. And so, as a need to cling to my old life, I kept in contact with The Goof. And I lied about it, because it would upset The Ex. I did this many times, over a period of years. And I can't justify it. But I felt it was the only way to keep sane. I have never fought or yelled like I did with The Ex. It was not who I was. After about 5 years of this, and after The Ex had met someone from his biker group. He asked me to move out. I moved in with a friend, because I couldn't bare to move back in with my parents again. But, the situation at that house became unbearable. And I caved and move in with my parents...again.

And I ended up on that fucking curb again. This time, just out of habit. Not expecting answers. I just did it, because that's what I always did. At this point, the stars have faded terribly. Except for mine. I knew what I had done wrong, but it was out of fear. And I spent an entire year trying to prove myself to The Ex. But he was busy with another woman. He still won't admit it, but it was a matter again of having his cake and eating it too. I made it damn easy for him.

I finally gave up. And I promised myself that the minute I decided to start dating again it would be over with The Ex and I. And when I told him he flipped. He said he wanted to prove himself to me. That he would change. But I had a year to get over him. I had 6 months on that damn curb, and I wasn't about to be there again.

So I met The Good Guy. And that was the beginning of this blog. He was sweet and kind, and protective. He wanted to take care of me. For the first time in the history of my dating, a boy genuinely wanted to take care of me. It was so nice. And comforting. But, as I have posted, it was over quickly. He worried I was a rebound. And I'm sure he was right. And I spent a ton of time on the curb. I thought I had done everything right. I was different. I'm not controlling, I'm not materialistic. I love taking care of people. I was the cool girlfriend again. And still it wasn't enough. It never seemed to be a loss for these boys until it was too late. And I wondered, what is the pattern? There has to be one.

I moved into an apartment downtown, and soon started dating The DJ. Which I have explained in more detail than I'm sure you would like. And here I am again. And I am avoiding that fucking curb like hell. Because, what has the universe told me? Except for, stop trying so damn hard, cause it doesn't mean shit. It sounds so pessimistic, and I hate that I have ended up that way. People keep telling me to stop focusing on pleasing other people. They have told me that I lose myself in relationships. But I don't know anything else. It's my nature. I feel like I have to change my core to be in a successful relationship. I have to lie to myself.

Even tonight, The DJ texted me saying he was depressed. That he has been partying a lot, but his self-confidence is waning. And I really want to tell him to fuck off. That he doesn't know the meaning of being depressed, because he's never had to take responsibility for being a selfish prick. But instead I was encouraging. I wanted to make him feel better. It's just who I am. And after being supportive, he stops texting and just ignores me. And I'm worse off for it.

And all I want to do is sit on that curb, and beg the universe for some damn answers. I don't know why, but I think I'm owed at least one.

Goodbye? 11:44 PM

How do you say goodbye?

Emotionally.

I miss everything. At night, I sit and think about every little thing I miss. Just going through my computer, I run across things that remind me of him. It makes it next to impossible to move on.

I've tried to file away everything I can, so as not to come across it. But then I come across The Goofy Movie. Which was one of his favorites. And he sang the entire movie as we watched it together. While I laughed the entire time. Pictures of us together. We had such a blast, and he was so proud of having me by his side. We'd sit in bed together, passing the vodka bottle back and forth. Sharing funny memes and videos. I'm trying so hard to move past this, but I swear something is wrong with me.

I can't let people go. I can't say goodbye. I just can't. I hate that it's so easy for him to let me go.

I keep looking at my phone. Even though I know he won't, and I know that he shouldn't. I keep waiting for him to text me. Just so I know that he's thinking about me. But he's not.

I just want the hurt to go away. I want the little crease in between my eyebrows to go away. I want to the aching in my chest to go away. I want to stop having to wipe my nose, and my eyes. I want to catch my breath for once. I want to forget about him.

So bad.

Distractions 1:09 AM

I haven't written for a while. I've been avoiding it.

All this pouring of emotions. I start to feel like it's too much. I'm too much.

I'm back in my parents house. I'm still adjusting. I can't really believe I'm back here again. I've been avoiding unpacking, because it just makes it real. This completele breakdown of my life.

A lot has happened with The DJ. Twice he has freaked out on me. I never imagined he would talk to me or treat me the way he has. But I know why he did. The first time was because I told him to leave me alone. And he flipped. He doesn't like it when the situation is out of his control. And he doesn't like to feel abandoned. But, like always, I apologized.

The second time was some Facebook bullshit, drama. And I honestly think that he was trying to justify in his mind why he broke up with me. He called me sneaky, and canniving. He was trying to turn me into the crazy ex-girlfriend. It hurt me so bad. It still hurts. I told him I would leave him alone, which he said I didn't have to do. But I have. I saw him once at my roomies place, and I pretty much gave him the cold shoulder.

He once told me that he wouldn't leave me alone. He would continue to contact me, and bother me when he was lonely. He might beg me to get back together with him. Until I lose it, and tell him to back off. But, he has left me alone. And I know him well enough, he found a distraction. A female distraction.

That's what I was when he first started dating me. A distraction from his last relationship. He doesn't know that I know this. And so, since I haven't heard from him late at night, I assume he is distracting himself with someone else.

It kills me.

I just wonder if he even cared about me. I know he never cared for me as much as I cared for him. It would hurt him more than this.

Consequences 12:54 AM

This week has been completely insane and overwhelming.

I keep trying to figure out what I should be doing in this situation. I have tried to avoid conflict. I've tried to not be irrational. I've honestly tried to be the best ex-girlfriend I can be and I've made it extremely easy.

Why do I do this?

His gas has been off for a week, and so I let him come over and shower everyday. He is in and out, like that. He will tell me he loves me when he leaves, and kisses me goodbye. And he's off on his adventures. His life without me. Since I've been letting him do this, he hasn't asked me to hang out. I figure he gets his tiny fix of me, and so he doesn't have to stress about his feelings of guilt or worry. And I let him do this.

I want him to suffer. I really do. Is that bad? I feel like it's awful to feel this way, and so I let him get away with everything.

But tonight, I kind of lost it. I told him I felt used. I told him that he dumped me and I still feel like I'm taking care of him. And of course he took offense. He doesn't need anyone to take care of him.

Bullshit.

Even though he makes a fuck ton of money now, and has his own means of transportation. He still needs people to do shit for him, cause he doesn't plan anything in advance. Before, I was the one running back and forth to his work to bring him rolaids, or I would quickly go get beer or booze before the liquor store closed. I would go to the asian market and get him kimchi. And after he broke up with me, before I deleted my facebook, I saw that he was asking on his wall if anyone would go get him beer. He needs people, out of laziness. And he doesn't want to admit it.

So, I am weak. And I can't help but want to take care of him. But, I have asked my Dad to help me get the rest of my things out of my apartment tomorrow, so I won't be able to help him with the shower thing. And I absolutely will not be the girl who comes to his rescue anymore. Even when he calls just out of purely being lonely. He's still using me when it's convenient for him. And I'm not doing this for myself, although I think it will be good for me.

I'm doing it so this kid has to feel the pain. So he has to take some kind of responsibility. So there are some consequences to his actions. I want him to suffer, so he can at least learn something. So he knows what he's losing.

After he added me on Twitter, just so he can see what I'm up to. He started linking his Facebook posts to Twitter. And one thing he wrote made me so goddamn angry.

'I must be coated in Teflon. I can make the worst decisions in the world and I never see a consequence.'

That is about to end.

Flaws 9:40 PM

Today was not what I needed. At all. It's kind of brought me back to feeling awful.

After The Ex, I promised myself that I would do things differently. That I would be honest, I would try to be a better person. More understanding, more compassionate. Try to focus on my strengths. I promised myself that I wouldn't let my petty emotions ruin something good. The only time I would bring up any issues is if was important...significant.

And I honestly thought I had done better. Although I struggle with some things. I felt like a lot more of a balanced person.

But every time I hang out with The DJ, I feel like a bad person. I know it's not what he means. But he keeps ramming it down my throat how pessimistic I am. I feel bad for myself all the time, I don't take responsibility for my actions. And the one thing he said, that just keeps echoing in my head.

I'm needy.

That one kind of hurt. I know I'm co-dependent, but only because I loved being around him so much. And so, I sit here thinking that I spent so much time trying to focus and show my strengths to compensate for the things I struggle with. And it always comes down to those flaws in the end. Even after he broke up with me, I bit my tongue. I saw no point in making him feel bad. I don't like doing that.

I think he truly thinks he's doing me a favor. Bringing it to my attention. But there are just some things I can't change about myself. I try, I really do. But I just think there are some core things in people's personalities that you just can't escape. Maybe that's just me making excuses for myself. Maybe all of this is true. Maybe this blog is just one giant way to feel sorry for myself. I don't know.

I do know that I absolutely do not trust any of that group, or my roomie with my feelings anymore. They all take these situations and use them as entertainment. Gossip. The more I get to know these people, the more I am so happy I have the friends and family I have. They have been nothing but kind, and not once did they ever take this opportunity to put me down.

A year ago I had really come to terms with who I was. And I was kind of proud of that. I was almost happy with myself. But now, the confusion is just swirling. Just another flaw, allowing people to affect how I see myself.

Starting Over 9:38 PM

So, after reading my lovely friend's new blog, it has been decided I am a terrible writer. Add to it the constant whiny tone. I can't imagine that the few of you who come to my blog, would decide to come back.

And so, I will try to be more thoughtful, and insightful. And I will try not to use that same damn words all the time.

I was doing a little better lately. Until, I found out I didn't get my dream job. I was told that there were a lot of people more qualified. And then, as I immediately got back to looking for jobs, I saw the same position re-listed on Craigslist that day. It was a little devastating, if I can be dramatic for a moment. And all I can think is that my old job is screwing me over. I can't think of any other reason. And so, I think I am going to try to re-work my resume, and do my best to not include them. Or at least make it impossible to get in contact with them. It seems dishonest, but I've been out of work for almost 5 months. And I don't like that they are making it impossible to gain any sort of employment. Again I am making assumptions. But I have no other insight on the situation.

Okay, so that's the boring information. I have hung out with The DJ again since the first encounter. And it went pretty much the same way. A lot of conversation about our relationship. About me as a girlfriend. A lot of tears. On both ends. He told me that I was perfect, that I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had. I really don't want to get into my thought process at the moment. Because I have mentioned what kind of person he is. And even though he might been lucky enough to come across the love of his life, that's not important to him. Life to him is about spontaneity, and having fun. Living momentarily. But, I know he will regret it. Anyway, there was a lot of back and forth. I told him that I would never get back together with him, I just could never trust that he wouldn't do the same thing. Later, I told him that I was just trying to memorize all of these little moments because they will go away soon. To which he responded, I'm not the one who said I would never get back together with you. I looked at him confused, and said, it's not like you would get back together with me. And he pauses, and looks at me seriously. 'Just get your shit together.'

This is trouble. I took that as it was conditional, that if I 'get my shit together' he will want to get back with me. And everything in me screams to run. But, there is that little part that says, I would love to spend my life with him. I always imagined saving for a while, and traveling the world together.

I will get my shit together. But not for him. As sad as I am, I keep getting little glimpses of what it will feel like to start over. It has been overwhelming, and daunting getting started. But it's a little exciting. It's going to be a new life. And if I try as hard as I can to do whatever it takes, I know in a year or so, my life will be great. I think about after I get out of this place, and I get rid of my car. I can just work and save. And soon after that, I can be out of debt. And possibly get a little place of my own downtown. And decorate it like I have always dreamed. And it will be me and my cat. And possibly someone else who is lovely. And who loves me.