So this is going to be our issue. I've written about it before, and I'm sure I will continue to write about it. The boys nights are becoming more frequent. And so I think it is time to start backing off and staying home more. I need to get a job and be less available and see how things go. I'm done being the girlfriend who goes out of her way to take care of him, just for him to go out without me all the time. I know he isn't doing it on purpose, he's not trying to hurt me. But I am hurt. Eww, I'm such a clingy girlfriend, I'm super dependent. I need to stop. Maybe he might start missing me, and appreciating me again.

This is all sounding extremely selfish. He takes care of me in other ways. It's just me getting used to coming to this point in a relationship. It always happens. Comfort and routine have set in. And I just need to shake things up a bit.

On a positive note, one little thing he did say was extremely nice. We had an adventurous day. That involved buying pot and a pipe. I tried it again for the first time in 8 years. The first time I hated, and it still really isn't anything special. But as we were walking to my car, he starts saying that this will be a story to remember. My adventure trying pot with my then boyfriend. I kind of stop, saying 'Then boyfriend?' And he says, well who knows, I could be your husband. *le sigh*

The only reason I get so upset is because I love him so much. I love being with him more than anyone else. And sometimes I just hate that he doesn't feel the same. He isn't really doing anything wrong.

I ran home as fast as I could. I couldn't stop crying. How quickly someone doesn't need or want you around anymore. Maybe I"m still drunk. Drowning myself in alcohol, trying to pretend that I'm not hurt. It's 6:30 am, and I just can't stop crying, I can't. I try so hard to not be over emotional, so I drowned myself in alcohol, and acted as cool as I could. I know how guys are. The minute you become over-emotional, it becomes too real. Especially with the DJ. I'm so scared of freaking him out, and him leaving me again. So I woke still feeling resentment. And I left as quickly as I could.

I spend the entire winter trying to make sure that he was taken care of, that he had a ride to work. I don't have a ton of money, but I will go to the ends of earth so he is happy and comfortable. He knows that, everyone does. He is starting to make money at his new job. And I'm already starting to get a taste of what the summer will be like. He told me that he won't be around as much. But he reassured me that he will make sure to let me know what is going on. I'm so scared, that it's just going to be the same as when he first strayed. I am so secure in my being able to be the best girlfriend I can. But this happens every time. I make it too goddamn easy. I don't put up a fight, and 9 times out of 10, guys start to realize I won't make a stink. I just take it.

So he acted so excited that he had a Monday off. We were to go to the free movie, since we haven't been able to in ages. And I show up at his house to hang out with him and his friends. And he slaps my thigh saying how excited he is he has the following night out. That it's customer appreciation night at his new work. And I ask, well do you want me to come? And he says, no, I think it will be a boys night.

So not only in front of his friends does he make me look like an idiot, but he skips out on our plans together. He says he will make it up to me by taking me out to a movie earlier that day. But I feel awful. I just feel awful.

It's the same shit over and over again. And I try so hard not to show that it affects me. I want so much to not be typical. But I'm so scared. I'm so fucking scared. I don't want to be taken advantage of anymore. I just can't. I don't get how he has these friends that will take advantage of anyone, on a regular basis. And the one person that truly cares about him, he can so easily hurt. He knows it, he sees it. And he doesn't care.

Another boys night. Dammit, why do I only feel like writing when I feel awful? Maybe because I always feel better when I'm with him. And I can't really write things in front of him.

Things have been wonderful. Obviously the sweet text messages went away. Which I think is what is upsetting me right now. Usually if he goes out without me, I will get a text message saying that he missed me, and he would love to see me. It's 4 am, and nothing. I don't know if he's home. He could possibly still be out, maybe at a party. Or maybe everyone is partying at his house. At this point, my thoughts are swirling. I was okay earlier, but the later it gets, the worse I feel.

He keeps saying how he hasn't been out in a week, and how excited he is to go out. But we went out on Tuesday, and it was so much fun. Dinner at Legends, frozen yogurt and we saw How to Train Your Dragon. Wednesday we went to the free movie at Brewvies, American Psycho. But when he says he hasn't been out all week, it makes me feel like my nights with him don't count. I know that's super girlie and irrational. But I just can't help it. And then he plans this epic night, and of course I'm not included. I'm okay with boys night, he's done it at least once a week. But for some reason I feel like tonight wasn't boys night, it was 'No Me Night.' I just wish that I wasn't to that point again. Where he is excited to be able to go out without me.

I wish sometimes he would miss me, he would worry about me. Show some sign of emotion. He used to tell me everything he felt, at least when he was drunk. And occasionally he will say something beautiful. But I always wonder if ever feels this anxiety when he's without me. I just don't think he does.

I have 3 blogs, and it seems that certain things are too personal to admit to anyone, even strangers. I am writing in my journal, but it's comforting to know someone is reading. I don't know why. 3 months I have been with him. And things were beautiful in the beginning. I felt like we were meant for each other. Honestly, I still feel that way. But after we stopped drinking, it's been completely different. Something I feared from the minute the decision was made. There is no affection, no sexual attraction on his end. I guess this is what happens in relationships. But really? So soon? I am so terrible at letting moments go. I want them to last forever. And I'm a realist, and I've turned out to be a pessimist. But I get so sad when the new part of a relationship fades. When you've been around each other so much, and then he gets excited to go out without me.
I cry.
And I try so hard not to let it get to me. Because you can only handle so much of someone. But I miss that point when you feel like you can't live without each other. It's the only true and pure romance I've ever experienced. When you lie in bed together. Face to face. Closer than any normal person would ever be comfortable with. And you tell your story. And you have an amazing story to tell.
To anyone else, it would be the same, mundane story. But to that new person, they want to know everything about you. And I truly want to know every detail about him. It's such an incredible feeling. In everday life, people are just waiting for their turn to talk. But he not only listens with interest about your story, all your mistakes and accomplishments. But he watches your lips, the way they move. And I watch his eyes, and his lips. And I memorize it. I play it over and over in my head.
My pessimism takes over, and it tells me 'This won't last. Remember every detail, every moment, every whisper. Cause it will be gone before you expect it. Before you can blink, it will be a fading memory. Routine will set in. And you won't be surprised by each other at all.'
I hate this point. The point between that new experience and routine. I get so sad.
I mourn it.
It's not all bad. I still adore him, and I would do anything for him. I honestly hope we grow old together. We are so compatible, more so than anyone I've been with. But I miss that affection.

Update:

It's gone

The End? 10:04 PM

I guess the title might be confusing.

It has been an interesting couple of weeks, and a CRAZY couple of months. The last post I was completely unsure of The DJ. And right now, I am sure. As sure as I can be.

As time went by, I remained patient and understanding. I did everything the way I knew how, as close to my nature as I could be. And for once it seemed to work for someone.

For him.

He seemed unsure for a while as well.

But Christmas time came around, and he confessed his love for me everyday. And he asked me, again, to be his girlfriend on Christmas Eve. I asked him if he was sure this time. And he seemed sure.

Since then we have been inseparable. It's night and day. Where before he only wanted me around when he didn't have anything better to do, he is staying in with me instead of going out. Watching movies, and playing on the internet in bed together. Just laughing all day. I actually had someone to spend the New Year with. And it was the best one I have had in...I can't remember how long. Maybe ever.

And this is the beginning again. It's the best part. I know that with time, things will become routine, and we won't want each other around as much. So I'm just enjoying it as much as I can.

So...the blog. I've given it a lot of thought. Do I still continue writing? Adventures in a new relationship?

Naw...

For some reason the good parts are sacred to me. And I want to share them with him, and not with everyone else. Maybe I've already shared too much, I don't know. But I'm happy right now.

And I am in love. Cute, sweet, vulnerable love...

I'm even thinking about showing this blog to him. I'm pretty nervous about it. I hope that he would appreciate it, even though there is a lot of whining.

Maybe I can start this up again if things ever change.



But goddamn, I hope they don't.

The Risk 2:49 PM

My room is a complete disaster because I have not been here at all. It's a whirlwind of coming and going. I haven't spent a single night here for about 2 weeks. I come in, get ready, and leave. I have been spending every moment I can with The DJ.

I wish I stopped and wrote more about the happy moments. And seriously, there have been more than not lately. But I think, for me, misery inspires me. Or maybe I just don't like to be cheesy and write about all the sweet moments. It's really sad, because those are the moments I want to remember most. And I will probably look back on this relationship and only see the bad.

Things have been good. I am still extremely cautious. And only because I keep finding things to re-inforce that cautiousness. I generally am very good at ignoring bad signs, and float along ignorant. But after the last relationship, I have kept my eyes open. I hate that, it goes completely against my nature. But I can't help myself anymore, I don't have time to waste. I don't mean that in the sense of getting old. I just look back on the time I wasted on people who were obviously not right for me, and I chose to ignore it.

So, as he goes to use the bathroom, what would any insecure girl do? Glance at the messages left on his computer. That's what I did. And there are flirtatious messages with girls I wouldn't even expect he would show the slightest interest in. 'Miss you' is something that struck me badly. In order to miss someone, wouldn't you have had to spend some time with them? And we have spent so much time together, when the hell did he have time to fit her in? It just boggles my mind.

This girl comments on every post he makes on facebook. And at first I joked about it. Thinking this was just some innocent crush that she might have on him. But I saw that he was messaging her. And suddenly it wasn't just some stupid girl pining for his attention. He was giving it back. I kind of called him on it. I told him that I know he liked this girl. Of course he denied it. But, just randomly as I was leaving the conversation went like this.

Me: 'I know why you like this girl.'

Him: 'Why?'

Me: 'Because she strokes your ego. She pays attention to every word you say, and you love that.'

Him: 'That is true, I do like attention. I don't want to fuck her if that's what you are saying.'

Me: 'No, I am saying that you like her, and you like the attention she gives you.'

Him: 'Well, it's been a long time since anyone has had a crush on me. And I like that.'

This brings up the awful crush word. I hate crushes, in every sense of the word. They have always been destructive in my life. So, to him it seems like just an innocent thing. But when you are in a relationship, and you are conversing with said crush behind my back, it doesn't seem so innocent to me anymore. Little hearts and miss you messages sent back and forth are just too much. And I think he knows that. So why is it so easy for him to risk something that he claims is special, and risk losing someone that he claims to care about and love? Well, the obvious answer to most anyone in this situation is maybe he doesn't.

What does he have to gain from a crush that I haven't already given him and then some? I pine over every word he says. I go out of my way to do nice things and take care of him. I have so much more to offer, and I've given him even more that that. So what is it about crushes that makes it worth risking everything you say you want?

Drunken Postings II 7:19 PM

This one is going to be a doozy. I am drinking to calm the anxiety. The truth for me is generally awful, and avoid it.

I have this flaw. I trust people before they even have to earn it. Even after they have violate it, it remains in tact. It takes so much energy for me to not trust someone. When my instincts scream at me to run away, I ignore it.

I have come across some things that should make run screaming from The DJ. Things that would be so bad to a normal person. I know I am going to get hurt.

I know it.

And I can't pull myself away. And I don't have the guts to call him on it. Because I don't want to seem like a drama queen. How retarded is that. I would rather suffer than seem like a typical girl. Why do I do this to myself?

Because I truly love him. I really do. I hate admitting that even after everything I've already been through with him. After I told myself that I was not going to go through the same routine. And that is exactly what I am doing. I am going to completely sacrifice my own sanity, my whole self to someone who probably doesn't even appreciate me. Who would dump my ass in a heartbeat if he thought there was any slight chance of being with his ex-girlfriend.

And I won't say a goddamn word.