Trivialities 8:24 PM

"Little things, used to mean so much to Shelly. I used to think they were kind of trivial. . . believe me, nothing is trivial." - The Crow

Some of you that actually know me will probably laugh at my choice of quotes. I was obsessed with that movie growing up. I still have the entire thing memorized to this day. I watched it again recently, after not seeing it for many years. It is extremely cheesy, and there is some bad acting. But I still actually cried watching it. The reason I loved it so much, was because of how much he loved her. He would go through anything to avenge her, because of that unquestionable love. Him remembering every special moment, every movement, every breath. When you lose something, it becomes very romanticised in your head. It becomes kind of a death. At least in my mind.

And so, everywhere I go, I catch myself getting upset over the tiny things that remind me of him. I was at the grocery store, and I kept getting choked up because of soy sauce. I would say to myself 'Oh, he loved putting soy sauce in everything.' 'Shit, he loved chicken wings.' 'Oh man, sandwiches were his favorite.'

The roomie wanted to go to a particular restaurant The DJ and I frequented. Right before he dumped me, we went there 4 days in a row. And I just couldn't. I feel retarded, but I know everyone shares something special with their significant other. Every couple has their 'thing'. Unfortunately, we had a lot of 'things'. And although they seem so trivial, and I feel stupid for dwelling on them. That's what I've always loved about relationships. Those little things you shared together. They mean everything to me.

Soon enough, I won't think about them as much. I won't think about him as much. But, right now I'm on the internet. And even that was our 'thing'. There is just no escape.

Day 6 4:14 PM

I have gone through two half gallons of alcohol. I guess that is pretty damn self-destructive and overly dramatic. Why is this one so hard?

Last night I hung out with one of my oldest friends. The Drummer. I went to a house party, and hung out with a lot of people I didn't know. Except of course, there were a few connections with The DJ. I had quite a few beers, loosened up and had a pretty good time.

I've know The Drummer for about 15 years. He is the younger brother of my first boyfriend. I have kept in touch with the both of them, and I adore them. About a year ago, The Drummer and I had a one night kind of thing. Just kissing, but it was immediately after my long relationship with The Ex. Nothing became of it. He went on tour, and when he came back I saw him occasionally.

So, he invited me last night. And I went, knowing that there were possibilities of at least a distraction. And he slept at my house last night. Nothing physical happened, though I know it could have if I wanted. Just cuddling, which I'm comfortable with for now. But we were supposed to go to breakfast with his friends the next day, and suddenly I just felt sick. I just asked if I could drop him off.

This lingering feeling of loss is making it impossible for me to function. It's still just too soon.

The DJ messaged me today. Asking what I have been up to. And of course, because I am intoxicated I spout off. I don't understand why he even cares. I see his stupid posts on facebook, and I tell him I hate seeing that he is having the time of his life right now. And all he keeps saying is 'I'm sorry.'

Needs 2:49 PM

I know, I have been posting a lot. But I have a lot of time on my hands, and so I have been thinking a lot. I really don't talk much to my friends. I don't like to. I feel like people have enough issues and stresses in their lives to hear about mine. And so I feel guilty rambling about my heartbreak.

My roomie, who happens to be The DJ's best friend, has talked to me a little. She told me that I shouldn't be so self-destructive. I have managed to stay drunk for pretty much the past 4 days straight. It helps my anxiety, and the constant pain in my chest. I told her that I realize I am being dramatic. It's just my way of coping for the moment. With no job, I have no means of distraction. And so numbness is just what I need right now.

And so is this blog.

When my relationships end, I have a tendency to dwell on the things I will be missing out on. All the wonderful moments shared, are no longer. The late night trips for snacks at the grocery store. Sitting on the bed, surfing the internets together. His hands rubbing against my back every so often. Sharing a flask at the movies. Oh, man there were a lot of good things with this one.

But, I forget all the hurt. The heartbreak. The reasons I should probably be glad that is over sooner than later. I see a post on Facebook about how he has had an amazingly fun time these past two days. While I drown myself in rum, and wadded tissues are scattered across my bed. Mascara has been completely useless, and kind of painful. My eyes are swollen.

And I mutter out loud 'I hate you'. Right now, I am remembering how I hated that you wouldn't even look at me when I was leaving. I am angry at how selfish you are. How you knew that I would do anything for you, knowing that you would never love or care about anyone more than you loved yourself. You took advantage of that. And to make me feel like it was my fault that the relationship is ending. You said I didn't try hard enough to find a job, or that I didn't try hard enough to lose weight. You couldn't admit that you just wanted to be single. Or that now it's summer, and you have your own means of transportation, and you don't need me anymore. Not to mention the lies you told me. Conveniently surfacing from your close friends. Maybe that's a harsh accusation. But yours were just as harsh.

I need to hate you right now. I don't want to.

Drunken Postings III 12:48 AM

I went to see my Mom and Dad today. I went to take pictures of my sister's kids as a surprise for her for her birthday. She has 3 beautiful children. Her and her husband got married very young. I think she was 19. Around 20 , I remember her saying that they were trying for kids. I wanted to kill her. I remember when she first told me when she was pregnant. I specifically remember saying 'You're joking, right?'

I look back and feel awful about that reaction. She was my little sis. I thought at the time it was just way too soon. I was so damn protective of her. She is my only sibling. Even though she spent a lot of her adolescence hating me. I adored her. I would do anything for her. My mom always would say how I was so protective of her when growing up. She was a spoiled little shit, but mainly because I would let her have her way, all the time. She hated losing, and so I would let her win. I would want the doll with the blue dress, but if she even mentioned wanting it, I would give it up just so she would be happy. I even remember watching soap operas with her and the babysitter, and we had a game where we would call which boys we would get. Of course, everyone called the hunky Justin, but my sister was insistent that he was hers, and I was stuck with eye-patch Steven. Oh, man I'm rambling. Where was I going with this?

Oh yes. My little sis, she has the life that I never thought I wanted. And for a while, I warmed up to it. The idea of having a little family.

But with The DJ, it was impossible. He didn't like the idea of marriage. He definitely didn't want kids. And because I loved him so much, I convinced myself that I didn't want it either. I still don't know what I want.

But tonight, hanging out with my parents. They have been together for 30 years! They got married at 17 and 18, my mom pregnant with me. I asked my Dad a long time ago if they got married because of me. And he said no. That they were already planning on getting married, I just sped up the process.

And these days, I see so many young people getting divorces, sometimes more than one. With kids. And I wonder, is it even possible to have what my parents, and even my grand-parents had? Is this generation just so distracted and selfish that the possibility of having that 30th anniversary, or even 50th? Does it have to do with religion, or is it generational?

I feel so old-fashioned in wanting that. I'm not the type of person to want to move on to new things constantly. I like stability, I like to know that I have the person I trust and love more than anyone by my side all the time. Is that too much to ask?

I worry for my sister, and I hope more than anything that she's happy. And I hope that her relationship lasts. As liberal as I am, I like the idea of marriage. I feel like it should give people a reason to fight for each other. I like the idea of coming out on the other end loving each other even more. Am I naive in thinking that exists?

Moments 8:58 PM

As I lie here, in my own bed. More times than I have in the past few months. I look at my kitty, sleeping so peacefully.

I get caught up in which way I'm supposed to be laying. I usually sleep on my right side, with my arm raised above my head, and one leg up. I used to move as close as I could to the edge of the bed, so you had plenty of room. You, with your pillow in between the both of us. I used to hate that pillow separating us. But it became the norm, and as everyone knows, eventually the norm becomes comfort.

Before you would fall asleep, you would run your fingers through the back of my hair while you were still looking on the internet. I always waited for this. I was always awake when you did it. And our feet would rub against each others. It was something that I waited for at the end of the night, every night.

Sometimes you would scratch my legs with your toenails, and poke my eye while I was sleeping. I would always get upset, but you knew that I loved the attention. You would always say that someday you are going to miss me annoying you. And I do.

You would speak to me long after I had fallen asleep. Some random video you had seen, or some strange fact you had just found out. And I would ask the next day why you would wake me up for such things. And your response was always 'I was bored.'

It has only been two days, and you were right. Everything you did to annoy me, to get my attention. I miss it. More than anything.

I know this is an extremely personal thing to post. And I'm sure I will regret it. But, for the moment, I need people to know, set aside all the drama, the hearsay. Lies something so simple, and yet so complicated. Something that I wish would disappear, and something that I hope never goes away. Those teeny tiny moments that will be part of me for the rest of my life. I will never let them go.

Never.

I knew this day would come 2:58 PM

Sooner or later, I did.

Things have been hard, I can't find a damn job. I'm going to lose my car. And because of these things, I have been extremely depressed.

And The DJ broke up with me because of that.

He said we are going completely different directions in life. He got a nice job at the strip club. He's making a ton of money. And I'm on the down swing. And he says I make him sad. He said he had been thinking about it for a long time.

And I am sad. But, I had him. And the one thing I was good at was taking care of him. I am sad, because we got along so well. I had so much fun with him. He made me laugh. I had so many plans, I had figured out some awesome things for his birthday. And no more...it's over.

But I will not fret too much. Because I know it's going to change. And things can only get better.

And I know I will find that someone. I know I will.
If you're out there, come find me.

(I have chosen to publish posts from months past. I kept writing as a means to vent.)

Temporary...

I usually blog in my head, all the time. I know exactly how I feel, and I put it so well when I'm reciting it to myself. And then, I start to write. Poof... gone.

Is life just a series of phases? Jobs, homes, people. I have aways latched onto people. I have a lot of friends, in many different circles. But there are very few people that I trust, that are worth the time to track down. And to make sure that we continue this friendship. And sometimes they have to track me down. A few of these close friends are my exes. Because I care so much for them, that I refuse to let them go. Unless we don't have anymore common ground (like the Ex) I must keep them. And they come and go, but I always make sure to know where they are. I have lost some very close friends in the past, and it seemed just as bad as a break-up. I hate losing people. And as long as they will let me, I will forever be part of their lives.

I like the idea of this consistency. This permanence.

As long as I have these people, the ones that I worked so hard to keep in my life. Then the temporary, the changes don't seem so bad. It's been called dependency issues. But I don't think of it as an issue.

The DJ has hinted that he sees everything as temporary. A defense mechanism for how scattered his childhood was. He always tells me that if things don't work out, he knows everything will be okay. It almost sounds in my head that it really isn't if in his mind...but when. He tells me that he knows that nothing lasts forever. He has spoken about wanting to move to Vegas. And how that it isn't that big of a deal to lose his friends, he knows he can find more. But I know his group of friends. This scene where all of these people just use each other because everyone else who is of worth disappears. I know I probably would if I didn't have such an attachment to The DJ. Yes, they are fun to party with, they are up for anything. But I don't trust any of them. Not even to have a meaningful conversation, for fear that it would be used against me. I'm probably being a little harsh, but many of them have proven time and again that they are only concerned with themselves. People who were never forced to grow up.

I guess I am getting off track. This idea, this way of life. It works for him. Who am I to judge? We both grew up very differently, and had exact opposite lives. If this is how he copes, then why should I be upset? Because, he isn't temporary to me. When I choose to be with someone, I put my whole heart into making them happy. And as lame as this sounds, I really do sacrifice a lot of my wants and needs because those are the things that are temporary to me. And I hate the idea of trying so hard to be the best I can, and work for a relationship to be just temporary to him.

I told him that what scares me about his way of life, is that if people are expendable, then there is no point in fighting to keep them around. And he says to me that that's not the way it works for him. He does what he wants, and I can choose to follow him or not.

And so, I can choose to be with him, and know that if things get hard...it's the curb. And as long as I cooperate, I can be a part of the ride...I think for now, it's worth it to enjoy the ride for as long as I can. Because I really do love him.

What he doesn't realize is me choosing to join him, is my way of keeping him in my life. He is already someone that as long as he will let me, I will be part of his life in whatever way I can. It sounds terrible, but I really wouldn't have it any other way.