Revelation 11:13 AM

A short one, something I just wanted to write quickly.

As I was speaking to The Ex yesterday. He had asked me if I had talked to The DJ at all. I told him that we spoke briefly on the phone. And we exchanged words on Facebook before I deleted it. But after that, nothing.

He seemed surprised by this. He said that usually within a day or two, I would be begging him to get back together with me. That was how it always when he and I were together.

And today, I suddenly thought, that's true. It is unlike myself to not even attempt to contact him. Especially since I miss him so much. And he seemed to at least want to keep a friendship. When I spoke to him on the phone, he said he wanted to go to lunch sometime. I think after I deleted my facebook, he probably took that as a sign of me not wanting to have anything to do with him.

And honestly, I don't right now. I think the healthiest thing is for us to keep things seperate until the hurt goes away. It has taken everything in me not to text or call. But I know it would just make me feel worse. I don't want to be that ex-girlfriend, the one that ends up at the same places just to 'conveniently' run into each other. And make him uncomfortable.

For the first time, I feel like I'm doing what's best for me in the long run, instead of what will momentarily make feel better. I'm kind of proud of myself. I didn't think I was being strong at all, but maybe there is a tiny bit of strength left in me after all.

Anyway, off for a weekend trip with some friends. It will be nice to get away and be distracted. I am keeping my journal with me, I know there are going to be plenty of reasons to write.

The Ex II 1:09 AM

Ahh, The Ex.

Reminder, he was before The DJ, before The Good Guy. He was my 6 year relationship. Very painful, tumultuous relationship. An even more painful, very long breakup. He and I struggled weekly to get along. He was very jealous, controlling, manipulative. In response to my dishonesty. He has been mentioned on this blog occasionally.

He was a great guy, but a terrible boyfriend.

He has spoken to my dad recently. My dad does upholstery, and he was in need of fixing up barstools. Words were exchanged, about me. My dad mentioned that I was jobless, and struggling. And so The Ex tried to contact me. At first I was extremely reluctant. I was still with The DJ, and I worried that it would make things complicated. And that he still might not be over the whole situation.

But, The DJ dumped me. And The Ex kept trying to get a hold of me. He wanted to know how our cat was doing. And also he wanted some advice on social networking. I still avoided it, because I was in no mood to speak with anyone really. I was, and still am drowning myself in booze.

But, today. I gave in. I called him, and immediately poured my guts out. He insisted that he come over. That it might be good to have a shoulder. And I gave in.

And it was...nice. I always love when enough time has passed, and you can speak like old friends. Talk about what has been going on. Laugh about moments shared. It's always a relief to me to not have to avoid each other. I can actually set aside bad feelings, and just talk like two human beings. He seems to be doing a lot better than when I last spoke to him. Which is an even bigger relief. I always wished him success and happiness. And he is getting there. His oldest is driving and has a boyfriend. He is friends with ex-wifes fiance. And he seems stable. We talked about our dating lives. Which was a little strange. He showed me pictures of the very young, very gorgeous girls he has been dating.

He was somewhat flirtatious, which I mentioned to him. But, sometimes when you see someone for the first time, you kind of fall back into old habits without even realizing. He slapped my butt when I walked past him, and didn't even think about it for the first few seconds. And then I kind of laughed, and asked 'Did you really just do that?'

I forgot what a sweet person he was. It's so easy to get caught up in being bitter. And maybe he has intentions that I'm not ready for. But it was really good to see him.

And so, one more on the list that I can say are still my friends. I'm kind of proud of that.

Hate 11:22 AM

I was feeling better yesterday. I woke feeling miserable.

I have this burning in my chest. I can't stop crying.

I keep imagining him with other girls. I know he has already been with them. One thing I know about him is that he doesn't like to be alone and wrapped up in his own thoughts. He likes distractions. And if he misses one girl, he will simply replace it with another. I hate that I know this.

I hate that I know he will barely miss me. I hate knowing that he will be better off without me.

I hate that he knows enough about me, to know that I am struggling right now. And I hate that the only thing he feels for me is pity. I don't want him to know anything about me anymore.

I can't eat, I keep drinking so I can sleep.

And for him, his life goes on like I never existed.

Me 9:28 PM

So, I have spent an enormous amount of time memorizing what I love about The DJ, and what made him happy. And maybe it's about time to think about myself, and what I love. It might be healthy, yes? *shrugs*

I love spaghetti, and chips and salsa, and McDonalds. I've been told I eat like a 5 year old. But, I don't really care. To add to the immaturity, I love cartoons. Spongebob, Flapjack, Avatar, Foster's. I also love Futurama, Metalocalypse, The Venture Brothers, Fooly Cooly.

I love Tori Amos, Nine Inch Nails, Ben Folds, Beck, Mindless Self Indulgence. I have an obsession with The Smiths, and Joy Division. Morrissey and Ben Folds have helped me survive a lot of breakups. I am extremely picky about music. I haven't followed any new music in a while. I have just followed the people and bands that I love for years.

I have danced since I was 3. And it has been my passion and release as long as I can remember. Going to the club and dancing has been my happiness. Everytime I have issues or frustration, I head to the club and spend a good few hours dancing it off.

I love artwork, and sculptures. And I absolutely love interior design. I have a fascination with making a house, a home. Especially if it involves me being creative, and having a restrictive budget. Someday I hope to be an interior designer. I love retro fashion, and I've been told by my roomie that my sense of fashion is called 'grannie'. I love florals, antique hats and cloches, vintage shoes. Anything that contains any sense of history.

I love making people pretty. I wish I knew how to paint in photoshop, and I've been teaching myself photomanipulation. I also love drawing portraits. Especially retro portraits of old hollywood. I've drawn pictures of Jean Harlow, Lauren Bacall and Ginger Rogers. I don't draw very often, because I am a perfectionist, and I get easily frustrated when I'm not satisfied with the end product. I've never thought that portrait drawing made me an artist. Because it never required any creativity. I call it copying.

I love movies. I keep up with all of the upcoming films. Although I am extremely picky in what I chose to see. I love comedies, foreign and independent films. My favorite movie is Oldboy. Closely followed by SLC Punk and Amelie. I adore Roger Ebert, Patrick Stewart, Richard Dawkins, and Zach Galifianakis. I love the combination of intelligence and humor. Although humor is my weakness. If you can make me laugh, I will love you forever.

I hope that people think I am smart, and clever, and compassionate. But of course, you never really truly know what people think of you. You can only try to be the best person you can, and hope that people see it. I hope you do.

Responsibility 4:56 AM

I just keep writing and writing. I can't stop. My thoughts are swirling with a million things I want to say to everyone.

I am sluggish. I find myself walking slower, even typing slower. I'm kind of losing faith. It isn't just the breakup. It's these entire past 3 months that have been piling it on. Everyone says 'when it rains, it pours'. But it seems a little ridiculous at this point.

And so I have to question it logically. It all could have been prevented. I need to take responsibility for the pitfalls in my life.

I had a great job for 3 years. Something I loved to do. And I probably could have continued there if I had worked harder. But I met The DJ, and his schedule was different than mine. I would stay at his place, and he would keep me up until all hours. He made me happy, and he was always excited to have me around. Again, not placing blame, I just made a choice. And it was obviously the wrong one. I would show up late because I had been up all night. And my performance was terrible because of how tired I was. And so, they let me go. I will say that towards the end, they gave me a review, and told me what to improve on. It seemed they were giving me a second chance. And I was not about to fuck it up. But they fired me two days after the review.

I was going to get decent unemployment. But my work decided to appeal the decision. This was very upsetting to me, because I worked really hard at my job. I was the only one willing to work overtime when it wasn't required. And it seemed like a huge betrayal. So for two months I didn't have any means of income while the appeals process was going through. In the end, it was still decided in my favor, because my employers were being obviously shady. But the damage had been done. I kept up on my rent, because I didn't want my roomie to have to stress. I even lied about not having a job, because The DJ had told me not to bother her with this information. It would just upset her. But my car payments got extremely far behind.

And so, as time passed, the company that financed my car lost patience. I have already paid for the car, but finance charges and late fees brought me up to almost 10,000 dollars more than what I agreed to pay. So, I have decided to drive it until they take it. And so I am constant fear of walking to my car and it not being there anymore. To add to the stress, I have an outstanding ticket I have not been able to clear up. Not to mention outstanding parking tickets from last spring, because I couldn't afford to get my car registered. And so I have a warrant. I could go on about the car issues, but I won't.

Then, I lost my part-time job. Something I was able to do at home. It wasn't any fault of my own at least. He just decided to stop investing time in his business. And I at least got a decent laptop out of it.

Soon after, my roomie found out I didn't have a job. And so she told me that after our lease was up, she would want to find her own place. Completely understandable. I told her that I had two more months of unemployment, so she wouldn't have to hurry to find her own place. But, as said in the previous post, she couldn't handle our differing sleep schedules. I had talked to my parents about moving in with them after The DJ broke up with me. They were very insistent that I leave this entire scene, and start anew. But, I hated the idea of always having to fall back on that. I was clinging to my independence. But, right now. Maybe a fresh start isn't so bad.

I look back at all of this, and it's so easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for myself. But honestly, it could have been avoided. And now, I face some serious, life changing decisions. I am heartbroken, and pretty much devastated right now in terms of how my life is, and how I always expected it to be. But I have an amazing support system.

My parents.

I couldn't be luckier that I have them. And that they still love and support me through all the bad decisions I've made. And even my oldest friends have been coming out of the woodworks to be encouraging. I don't usually believe in luck. But goddamn, I lucked out with them. I hope they feel the same about me. If only I chose my men like I choose my friends. I would be so much happier.

Also, to those of you who have taken the time to read this blog, friends and strangers. Thank you so, so much. When I get caught up in a relationship, I spend all of my time taking care of him, and I become less supportive of my friends than I should be. I appreciate you sticking around and showing me your love more than anything.

Deleted 4:26 AM

After not being strong enough to not look at his posts, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. It hurts too damn much to see that he is hooking up with girls. Even if I delete him, I see his friends posting about things. And so, done with that for a while.

Also, at 4:30 in the morning, my roomie told me she doesn't want to live with me anymore. I fall asleep with shows on, because the noise comforts me. And I guess it was too loud. So, it looks like I will be moving back in with my parents.

I keep telling myself that things can only get better. But it just isn't working out that way. I can't figure out if I should just disappear or not. What would be the best option for me? I need friends, but I'm not brave enough to bother anyone in my worst moments.

I'm not giving up yet.

Damn you Disney 9:03 PM