I have 3 blogs, and it seems that certain things are too personal to admit to anyone, even strangers. I am writing in my journal, but it's comforting to know someone is reading. I don't know why. 3 months I have been with him. And things were beautiful in the beginning. I felt like we were meant for each other. Honestly, I still feel that way. But after we stopped drinking, it's been completely different. Something I feared from the minute the decision was made. There is no affection, no sexual attraction on his end. I guess this is what happens in relationships. But really? So soon? I am so terrible at letting moments go. I want them to last forever. And I'm a realist, and I've turned out to be a pessimist. But I get so sad when the new part of a relationship fades. When you've been around each other so much, and then he gets excited to go out without me.
I cry.
And I try so hard not to let it get to me. Because you can only handle so much of someone. But I miss that point when you feel like you can't live without each other. It's the only true and pure romance I've ever experienced. When you lie in bed together. Face to face. Closer than any normal person would ever be comfortable with. And you tell your story. And you have an amazing story to tell.
To anyone else, it would be the same, mundane story. But to that new person, they want to know everything about you. And I truly want to know every detail about him. It's such an incredible feeling. In everday life, people are just waiting for their turn to talk. But he not only listens with interest about your story, all your mistakes and accomplishments. But he watches your lips, the way they move. And I watch his eyes, and his lips. And I memorize it. I play it over and over in my head.
My pessimism takes over, and it tells me 'This won't last. Remember every detail, every moment, every whisper. Cause it will be gone before you expect it. Before you can blink, it will be a fading memory. Routine will set in. And you won't be surprised by each other at all.'
I hate this point. The point between that new experience and routine. I get so sad.
I mourn it.
It's not all bad. I still adore him, and I would do anything for him. I honestly hope we grow old together. We are so compatible, more so than anyone I've been with. But I miss that affection.

Update:

It's gone

The End? 10:04 PM

I guess the title might be confusing.

It has been an interesting couple of weeks, and a CRAZY couple of months. The last post I was completely unsure of The DJ. And right now, I am sure. As sure as I can be.

As time went by, I remained patient and understanding. I did everything the way I knew how, as close to my nature as I could be. And for once it seemed to work for someone.

For him.

He seemed unsure for a while as well.

But Christmas time came around, and he confessed his love for me everyday. And he asked me, again, to be his girlfriend on Christmas Eve. I asked him if he was sure this time. And he seemed sure.

Since then we have been inseparable. It's night and day. Where before he only wanted me around when he didn't have anything better to do, he is staying in with me instead of going out. Watching movies, and playing on the internet in bed together. Just laughing all day. I actually had someone to spend the New Year with. And it was the best one I have had in...I can't remember how long. Maybe ever.

And this is the beginning again. It's the best part. I know that with time, things will become routine, and we won't want each other around as much. So I'm just enjoying it as much as I can.

So...the blog. I've given it a lot of thought. Do I still continue writing? Adventures in a new relationship?

Naw...

For some reason the good parts are sacred to me. And I want to share them with him, and not with everyone else. Maybe I've already shared too much, I don't know. But I'm happy right now.

And I am in love. Cute, sweet, vulnerable love...

I'm even thinking about showing this blog to him. I'm pretty nervous about it. I hope that he would appreciate it, even though there is a lot of whining.

Maybe I can start this up again if things ever change.



But goddamn, I hope they don't.

The Risk 2:49 PM

My room is a complete disaster because I have not been here at all. It's a whirlwind of coming and going. I haven't spent a single night here for about 2 weeks. I come in, get ready, and leave. I have been spending every moment I can with The DJ.

I wish I stopped and wrote more about the happy moments. And seriously, there have been more than not lately. But I think, for me, misery inspires me. Or maybe I just don't like to be cheesy and write about all the sweet moments. It's really sad, because those are the moments I want to remember most. And I will probably look back on this relationship and only see the bad.

Things have been good. I am still extremely cautious. And only because I keep finding things to re-inforce that cautiousness. I generally am very good at ignoring bad signs, and float along ignorant. But after the last relationship, I have kept my eyes open. I hate that, it goes completely against my nature. But I can't help myself anymore, I don't have time to waste. I don't mean that in the sense of getting old. I just look back on the time I wasted on people who were obviously not right for me, and I chose to ignore it.

So, as he goes to use the bathroom, what would any insecure girl do? Glance at the messages left on his computer. That's what I did. And there are flirtatious messages with girls I wouldn't even expect he would show the slightest interest in. 'Miss you' is something that struck me badly. In order to miss someone, wouldn't you have had to spend some time with them? And we have spent so much time together, when the hell did he have time to fit her in? It just boggles my mind.

This girl comments on every post he makes on facebook. And at first I joked about it. Thinking this was just some innocent crush that she might have on him. But I saw that he was messaging her. And suddenly it wasn't just some stupid girl pining for his attention. He was giving it back. I kind of called him on it. I told him that I know he liked this girl. Of course he denied it. But, just randomly as I was leaving the conversation went like this.

Me: 'I know why you like this girl.'

Him: 'Why?'

Me: 'Because she strokes your ego. She pays attention to every word you say, and you love that.'

Him: 'That is true, I do like attention. I don't want to fuck her if that's what you are saying.'

Me: 'No, I am saying that you like her, and you like the attention she gives you.'

Him: 'Well, it's been a long time since anyone has had a crush on me. And I like that.'

This brings up the awful crush word. I hate crushes, in every sense of the word. They have always been destructive in my life. So, to him it seems like just an innocent thing. But when you are in a relationship, and you are conversing with said crush behind my back, it doesn't seem so innocent to me anymore. Little hearts and miss you messages sent back and forth are just too much. And I think he knows that. So why is it so easy for him to risk something that he claims is special, and risk losing someone that he claims to care about and love? Well, the obvious answer to most anyone in this situation is maybe he doesn't.

What does he have to gain from a crush that I haven't already given him and then some? I pine over every word he says. I go out of my way to do nice things and take care of him. I have so much more to offer, and I've given him even more that that. So what is it about crushes that makes it worth risking everything you say you want?

Drunken Postings II 7:19 PM

This one is going to be a doozy. I am drinking to calm the anxiety. The truth for me is generally awful, and avoid it.

I have this flaw. I trust people before they even have to earn it. Even after they have violate it, it remains in tact. It takes so much energy for me to not trust someone. When my instincts scream at me to run away, I ignore it.

I have come across some things that should make run screaming from The DJ. Things that would be so bad to a normal person. I know I am going to get hurt.

I know it.

And I can't pull myself away. And I don't have the guts to call him on it. Because I don't want to seem like a drama queen. How retarded is that. I would rather suffer than seem like a typical girl. Why do I do this to myself?

Because I truly love him. I really do. I hate admitting that even after everything I've already been through with him. After I told myself that I was not going to go through the same routine. And that is exactly what I am doing. I am going to completely sacrifice my own sanity, my whole self to someone who probably doesn't even appreciate me. Who would dump my ass in a heartbeat if he thought there was any slight chance of being with his ex-girlfriend.

And I won't say a goddamn word.

Remember... 12:47 PM

I have a terrible memory, and this little blog is not only a way to express my joy, frustrations and experiences with dating. But also to document important moments.

I debate on if I should be sharing such personal, and special moments with people. Things become kind of sacred when you like someone. Should I just have my own personal journal in these cases, so I can remember them? Maybe.

I don't know, I secretly hope that when I do find someone to spend my life with. This blog can be my love letter to them. And so in that case, I want them to see and remember every emotion and moment.

Ugh...

I guess I will just say that The DJ said something completely unexpected last night. We were actually having a serious conversation, which is rare for him. We had decided to tell each other what the others' weaknesses were. In a normal relationship this would be bad. But he and I are very good at understanding our flaws, and it takes a lot to upset or offend the other. I won't give the dirty details. This turned to him expressing his love for me. There were a lot of very sweet things said. But, the one that caught me was he said he thinks this is the end of the line for him. It took me a minute to understand what that meant. But, I think it meant a lot for him to say that.

I really still don't know what is going to happen between the two of us. We both still have a lot of things to work through. But I really do love being with him. And that's enough for me right now.

The Right Girl 8:49 PM

I must be pre-menstrual. I put on The Smiths and immediately bust out crying. Sorry fot the details, but I honestly don't care.

How do I start this one out. I had talked previously about how I am somewhat not completely against the idea of getting married and having kids. I'm open about it. Obviously, I don't really mention this to the people I have been going out with. Because it's way too soon. Except The DJ.

Oh.

Have I mentioned I'm kind of seeing The DJ again. I think I said a little about it. He has since confessed his love for me again. He says how I'm the only girl who has pulled him back in against his will. Honestly, I didn't try to, but I think that's what lured him back in. I doubt he's ever actually dated an adult before. And so I'm sure he has had deal with a lot of drama as far as break-ups are concerned. I'm just assuming. And I loathe drama. I really just want to enjoy myself right now.

I don't know what any of this means. I am still keeping my guard up. And I am also dating other people. But I like being with him. I have fun.

Today was not good though. He says on facebook (of course) that he has never wanted to have kids or get married. But, he is starting to get that little biological alarm going off. He has asked me before if I've felt this way. And I tell him how I feel. As I read through the comments though, he says he absolutely doesn't want to do that, it just chemicals.

And I just start bawling. I'm sure it has a lot to do with my chemicals right now. But, a little bit of me is sad.

Why do I care? He is probably the last person that I would choose to have kids with. That sounds harsh, but it's true. So why this reaction?

Every girl wants to think that she is so great, that it would sway a guy to want to marry and have children. I fantasize about this guy who wouldn't think twice about wanting to settle down, until he gets involved with me. And I am so amazing, and wonderful. And all of his fears and reservations go away because he found me. The right girl. Unrealistic, yes I know.

And that's just it. That's why I take it so personally. Even though I know he's not the right guy, I still want to be the right girl. I want to be the one for somebody. Is it an ego thing? I don't know. If it is my ego, it hurts. But, I would say it's more of my stomach and chest that hurts right now.

It really seems like I haven't been the right girl for anyone. At least when it counted.

As The DJ would say 'C'est la Vie'... I've really come to hate this term.

The Game 2:25 PM

As you get further into dating, you start to realize the games involved. I knew at first that women and men, no matter how old, play games with each other. Maybe not always intentionally. And I thought I was prepared for it.

I am not.

Being with people for long periods of time, gives you this false sense of knowing a lot about the opposite sex. When really, you only know a lot about that one particular person. So, when I started dating again, I honestly thought I had it figured out. I am constantly told by guys how much they hate playing games. And they want a woman to be honest about what they want, and be the aggressor for once. And I have never been afraid to tell guys I like them, or ask them out. In fact, I prefer it.

But after these experiences, I have realized...they don't mean it.

I think I am too available. I give away too much, too soon. Once I start dating someone, I am all about making them feel special. And doing anything I can do to show them how much they mean to me. I am starting to realize most guys want a challenge. They want the chase. I don't like to put generalities on a whole gender. But I think I need to.

After hanging with the DJ a bit, he has started to express that he is still in love with me. And possibly wants to date again. I truly believe that the only reason The DJ has taken any interest in me again is because I am not a sure thing anymore. And he knows it's a possibility that I could end up with someone else. And this is where it becomes a chase. I'm not doing any of this to try to get him back. Because I know in my heart he will probably never be the right person for me. But, I'm not 18 anymore. And I get so caught up in the idea of finding the right person, I forget that it doesn't mean I can't still involve myself with anyone I choose to. As long as I don't allow myself to get hurt, why the hell not. I'm an adult for christ sake. I need to stop trying so hard, and enjoy myself. Am I just trying to justify wanting to hang out with him? Maybe, probably. But I'm tired of trying to force myself to do things or not do things. It becomes extremely stressful.

I take on so many different philosophies, as to try to not let myself get hurt. But pain is all part of the process. And I can fight it and be miserable and anxious constantly. But I think maybe I'm going to try and just enjoy the ride.

So a small update. I wussed out with The Emo Boy. All because he wanted to hang at a bar with some friends. And I am still struggling with this whole hanging out, instead of actual dates. But I think I might just have to let that go. It seems to be the way dating goes these days. Or maybe it's just an age thing. I don't know. I apologized and asked if he would still want to hang sometime.

He said yes.