...and Circles. 7:03 PM

I can't ever tell if I have amazing intuition. Or if things keep going bad because I expect them to. I spoke about this a few posts ago. But I believe that people are creatures of habit. They make constant excuses for their future selves, because they have never proven themselves wrong. 'I am going to sabotage this relationship, because that's just what I've always done.' It blows my mind, this makes absolutely no sense to me. If you honestly know that you have a tendency to do something that you aren't particularly proud of or unhappy about, you learn your lesson, and try to improve. If you don't, and just continually make the same damn mistake, then you aren't necessarily unhappy about the actions that bring you to the same point.

The DJ keeps reminding me, and himself, and everyone that he will always sabotage his relationships because he knows he will always end up alone. I keep choosing to ignore this, and enjoy myself until it becomes unbearable. It's funny, I was talking about him at first. But I now see I am making the same mistakes over and over. I always stick around, and fight, and try to prove myself. Until there is nothing else I can do.

Anyway, so I have been discouraged lately. At first, we both believed we couldn't live without each other. That 'we' were inevitable. Then we are around each other constantly. And things become routine. And I have no problem with that, but I know he does.

Goddamn it! What the fuck am I even writing??

Habits. He has been gone this entire week at his work. And he doesn't really miss me that much. And he's planning trips with people without me, and telling his friends how much he misses them and trying to plan things with them. And none of this is a big deal, except not a month ago he was saying how none of these people are important to him. And I realize that he did this exact same thing the last time he dumped me. And am I being paranoid, or am I trying to protect myself? Why can't I be content? Why can't I be happy with now?

Because I know I want more than this. He knows it too.

More and more, I keep thinking I don't belong here. I am in a pool of people who have no faith in relationships. The people who do, are already paired off. I kind of wonder if I should save for a bit, pack up and leave. To France, Japan, London.

Anywhere. Just get away from this culture. I doubt it would solve anything, because ultimately...wherever I go, there I am.