It is The DJ's birthday.
And I keep playing Unhappy Birthday by The Smiths. Over and over again.
I had so many plans when we were together. I spoke to friends to do paintings, and a cool remix of The Portal song. I had so many plans.
Fuck. I am trying to think of what to say. But the confusion is unbearable at this point. The sadness is unbearable. There is going to be a huge party Friday. And I won't be there.
He wonders why I am so sad.
It's because I loved him so much. I cared about him. I would have done anything for him.
What it comes down to. The pain, the hurt. No one wants to know that the person you love more than anyone, doesn't want to be with you. With me.
It's consuming. It doesn't make sense in my mind. I cannot think of anything else.
Happy Birthday Mister.
Drink and be ill tonight. From the one you left behind.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Curb 1:49 AM
The curb. The curb that I have been avoiding since I got here.
It is infamous in my mind. It is the curb of contemplation.
The curb of misery, of pain, of contempt.
This curb has been probably the one significant constant in my life. I keep looking at it. It calls to me. Like a siren waiting to drown me. It's song is hypnotic.
It's my song.
After every heartbreak, I would sit there and stair at the stars, at my star. It's not actually a star. It's a planet, which is something I learned later on. I was never sure what planet it was, but I decided it was Venus. I don't know why.
I tried to give it away once. To my first boyfriend. The Goth. I was 16. Out of pure romantic intentions, I pulled him outside and told him I wanted to give something to him. It was my star, and it meant everything to me. I used to make wishes on it. And I wanted him to have it.
And he laughed. He said that you can't give stars away. This is a true story. I was devastated.
He soon dumped me. Not to my face. He just decided to start ignoring me one day. Hoping I would just go away. And I did.
And so, I would sit on that curb, and stare at my star. And I would cry. I thought that maybe the universe knew something that I didn't. I didn't know anything about religion or god. So there was nothing to pray to. I just stared and hoped that I would have some kind of understanding.
My second boyfriend was a curb kind of boyfriend. The Ego. He lied to me constantly. Betrayed my trust on a daily basis. But I always tried to be the cool girlfriend. I let him do whatever he wanted, so people didn't think I was typical. So he didn't think I was typical. I was always extremely laid back. I did whatever he asked, and when he didn't want me around, I relented. I would disappear in my bedroom until he came calling. This is the beginnings of what defines me in a relationship. I was told constantly that he was cheating on me, but I didn't think it was fair to make those kind of accusations unless I had undeniable proof. I was incredibly trusting. Even after I caught him in so many lies, I never punished him for it. After 4 years, I got a proposal when he was on his mission. But he came home early, and claimed that he didn't mean any of it. He was mentally not in the right place. And so I gave up.
I spent so much time on the curb when I was with him. I always thought if you were compassionate, understanding, trusting. It would be enough. But it wasn't. It was a way for a boy to have his cake and eat it too. I was so confused. And so I looked to the stars. Hoping still that they would tell me something.
Very soon after I met my third boyfriend. The Goof. That is such a terrible nickname. But to me it is complimentary. Because it was the reason I fell in love with him. He and I were perfect. I adored him and had such a blast. The relationship was full of honesty and trust. He included me in everything. It was such a change from my previous. But after a few years, he dumped me. While we were living together. I can't even remember why. I don't think there was any good reason. It was extremely hard living together and him starting to date. I went out constantly, so as not to deal with my living environment. I immediately fell for a very tall, very dark, handsome man. The Ex. He was married at the time though. We both spent a lot of time together, but we had agreed that nothing could happen until he left his wife. Which was about 8 months later. In the meantime, I still ended up moving back to my parents. And I still ended up on that curb. The confusion was building. The Goof had started to realize what he had lost, but The Ex was manipulative and jealous. He didn't like that he was married and had no control over our relationship, or the relationship I had with The Goof. And so he left his wife, and moved in with his brother. Soon, I was basically living with him at his brothers house.
We had a very long, tumultuous relationship. Filled with jealousy, anger and lies. On both ends. He made me feel bad about who I was. And so I disappeared. From my social life. From my friends. And so, as a need to cling to my old life, I kept in contact with The Goof. And I lied about it, because it would upset The Ex. I did this many times, over a period of years. And I can't justify it. But I felt it was the only way to keep sane. I have never fought or yelled like I did with The Ex. It was not who I was. After about 5 years of this, and after The Ex had met someone from his biker group. He asked me to move out. I moved in with a friend, because I couldn't bare to move back in with my parents again. But, the situation at that house became unbearable. And I caved and move in with my parents...again.
And I ended up on that fucking curb again. This time, just out of habit. Not expecting answers. I just did it, because that's what I always did. At this point, the stars have faded terribly. Except for mine. I knew what I had done wrong, but it was out of fear. And I spent an entire year trying to prove myself to The Ex. But he was busy with another woman. He still won't admit it, but it was a matter again of having his cake and eating it too. I made it damn easy for him.
I finally gave up. And I promised myself that the minute I decided to start dating again it would be over with The Ex and I. And when I told him he flipped. He said he wanted to prove himself to me. That he would change. But I had a year to get over him. I had 6 months on that damn curb, and I wasn't about to be there again.
So I met The Good Guy. And that was the beginning of this blog. He was sweet and kind, and protective. He wanted to take care of me. For the first time in the history of my dating, a boy genuinely wanted to take care of me. It was so nice. And comforting. But, as I have posted, it was over quickly. He worried I was a rebound. And I'm sure he was right. And I spent a ton of time on the curb. I thought I had done everything right. I was different. I'm not controlling, I'm not materialistic. I love taking care of people. I was the cool girlfriend again. And still it wasn't enough. It never seemed to be a loss for these boys until it was too late. And I wondered, what is the pattern? There has to be one.
I moved into an apartment downtown, and soon started dating The DJ. Which I have explained in more detail than I'm sure you would like. And here I am again. And I am avoiding that fucking curb like hell. Because, what has the universe told me? Except for, stop trying so damn hard, cause it doesn't mean shit. It sounds so pessimistic, and I hate that I have ended up that way. People keep telling me to stop focusing on pleasing other people. They have told me that I lose myself in relationships. But I don't know anything else. It's my nature. I feel like I have to change my core to be in a successful relationship. I have to lie to myself.
Even tonight, The DJ texted me saying he was depressed. That he has been partying a lot, but his self-confidence is waning. And I really want to tell him to fuck off. That he doesn't know the meaning of being depressed, because he's never had to take responsibility for being a selfish prick. But instead I was encouraging. I wanted to make him feel better. It's just who I am. And after being supportive, he stops texting and just ignores me. And I'm worse off for it.
And all I want to do is sit on that curb, and beg the universe for some damn answers. I don't know why, but I think I'm owed at least one.
It is infamous in my mind. It is the curb of contemplation.
The curb of misery, of pain, of contempt.
This curb has been probably the one significant constant in my life. I keep looking at it. It calls to me. Like a siren waiting to drown me. It's song is hypnotic.
It's my song.
After every heartbreak, I would sit there and stair at the stars, at my star. It's not actually a star. It's a planet, which is something I learned later on. I was never sure what planet it was, but I decided it was Venus. I don't know why.
I tried to give it away once. To my first boyfriend. The Goth. I was 16. Out of pure romantic intentions, I pulled him outside and told him I wanted to give something to him. It was my star, and it meant everything to me. I used to make wishes on it. And I wanted him to have it.
And he laughed. He said that you can't give stars away. This is a true story. I was devastated.
He soon dumped me. Not to my face. He just decided to start ignoring me one day. Hoping I would just go away. And I did.
And so, I would sit on that curb, and stare at my star. And I would cry. I thought that maybe the universe knew something that I didn't. I didn't know anything about religion or god. So there was nothing to pray to. I just stared and hoped that I would have some kind of understanding.
My second boyfriend was a curb kind of boyfriend. The Ego. He lied to me constantly. Betrayed my trust on a daily basis. But I always tried to be the cool girlfriend. I let him do whatever he wanted, so people didn't think I was typical. So he didn't think I was typical. I was always extremely laid back. I did whatever he asked, and when he didn't want me around, I relented. I would disappear in my bedroom until he came calling. This is the beginnings of what defines me in a relationship. I was told constantly that he was cheating on me, but I didn't think it was fair to make those kind of accusations unless I had undeniable proof. I was incredibly trusting. Even after I caught him in so many lies, I never punished him for it. After 4 years, I got a proposal when he was on his mission. But he came home early, and claimed that he didn't mean any of it. He was mentally not in the right place. And so I gave up.
I spent so much time on the curb when I was with him. I always thought if you were compassionate, understanding, trusting. It would be enough. But it wasn't. It was a way for a boy to have his cake and eat it too. I was so confused. And so I looked to the stars. Hoping still that they would tell me something.
Very soon after I met my third boyfriend. The Goof. That is such a terrible nickname. But to me it is complimentary. Because it was the reason I fell in love with him. He and I were perfect. I adored him and had such a blast. The relationship was full of honesty and trust. He included me in everything. It was such a change from my previous. But after a few years, he dumped me. While we were living together. I can't even remember why. I don't think there was any good reason. It was extremely hard living together and him starting to date. I went out constantly, so as not to deal with my living environment. I immediately fell for a very tall, very dark, handsome man. The Ex. He was married at the time though. We both spent a lot of time together, but we had agreed that nothing could happen until he left his wife. Which was about 8 months later. In the meantime, I still ended up moving back to my parents. And I still ended up on that curb. The confusion was building. The Goof had started to realize what he had lost, but The Ex was manipulative and jealous. He didn't like that he was married and had no control over our relationship, or the relationship I had with The Goof. And so he left his wife, and moved in with his brother. Soon, I was basically living with him at his brothers house.
We had a very long, tumultuous relationship. Filled with jealousy, anger and lies. On both ends. He made me feel bad about who I was. And so I disappeared. From my social life. From my friends. And so, as a need to cling to my old life, I kept in contact with The Goof. And I lied about it, because it would upset The Ex. I did this many times, over a period of years. And I can't justify it. But I felt it was the only way to keep sane. I have never fought or yelled like I did with The Ex. It was not who I was. After about 5 years of this, and after The Ex had met someone from his biker group. He asked me to move out. I moved in with a friend, because I couldn't bare to move back in with my parents again. But, the situation at that house became unbearable. And I caved and move in with my parents...again.
And I ended up on that fucking curb again. This time, just out of habit. Not expecting answers. I just did it, because that's what I always did. At this point, the stars have faded terribly. Except for mine. I knew what I had done wrong, but it was out of fear. And I spent an entire year trying to prove myself to The Ex. But he was busy with another woman. He still won't admit it, but it was a matter again of having his cake and eating it too. I made it damn easy for him.
I finally gave up. And I promised myself that the minute I decided to start dating again it would be over with The Ex and I. And when I told him he flipped. He said he wanted to prove himself to me. That he would change. But I had a year to get over him. I had 6 months on that damn curb, and I wasn't about to be there again.
So I met The Good Guy. And that was the beginning of this blog. He was sweet and kind, and protective. He wanted to take care of me. For the first time in the history of my dating, a boy genuinely wanted to take care of me. It was so nice. And comforting. But, as I have posted, it was over quickly. He worried I was a rebound. And I'm sure he was right. And I spent a ton of time on the curb. I thought I had done everything right. I was different. I'm not controlling, I'm not materialistic. I love taking care of people. I was the cool girlfriend again. And still it wasn't enough. It never seemed to be a loss for these boys until it was too late. And I wondered, what is the pattern? There has to be one.
I moved into an apartment downtown, and soon started dating The DJ. Which I have explained in more detail than I'm sure you would like. And here I am again. And I am avoiding that fucking curb like hell. Because, what has the universe told me? Except for, stop trying so damn hard, cause it doesn't mean shit. It sounds so pessimistic, and I hate that I have ended up that way. People keep telling me to stop focusing on pleasing other people. They have told me that I lose myself in relationships. But I don't know anything else. It's my nature. I feel like I have to change my core to be in a successful relationship. I have to lie to myself.
Even tonight, The DJ texted me saying he was depressed. That he has been partying a lot, but his self-confidence is waning. And I really want to tell him to fuck off. That he doesn't know the meaning of being depressed, because he's never had to take responsibility for being a selfish prick. But instead I was encouraging. I wanted to make him feel better. It's just who I am. And after being supportive, he stops texting and just ignores me. And I'm worse off for it.
And all I want to do is sit on that curb, and beg the universe for some damn answers. I don't know why, but I think I'm owed at least one.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Goodbye? 11:44 PM
How do you say goodbye?
Emotionally.
I miss everything. At night, I sit and think about every little thing I miss. Just going through my computer, I run across things that remind me of him. It makes it next to impossible to move on.
I've tried to file away everything I can, so as not to come across it. But then I come across The Goofy Movie. Which was one of his favorites. And he sang the entire movie as we watched it together. While I laughed the entire time. Pictures of us together. We had such a blast, and he was so proud of having me by his side. We'd sit in bed together, passing the vodka bottle back and forth. Sharing funny memes and videos. I'm trying so hard to move past this, but I swear something is wrong with me.
I can't let people go. I can't say goodbye. I just can't. I hate that it's so easy for him to let me go.
I keep looking at my phone. Even though I know he won't, and I know that he shouldn't. I keep waiting for him to text me. Just so I know that he's thinking about me. But he's not.
I just want the hurt to go away. I want the little crease in between my eyebrows to go away. I want to the aching in my chest to go away. I want to stop having to wipe my nose, and my eyes. I want to catch my breath for once. I want to forget about him.
So bad.
Emotionally.
I miss everything. At night, I sit and think about every little thing I miss. Just going through my computer, I run across things that remind me of him. It makes it next to impossible to move on.
I've tried to file away everything I can, so as not to come across it. But then I come across The Goofy Movie. Which was one of his favorites. And he sang the entire movie as we watched it together. While I laughed the entire time. Pictures of us together. We had such a blast, and he was so proud of having me by his side. We'd sit in bed together, passing the vodka bottle back and forth. Sharing funny memes and videos. I'm trying so hard to move past this, but I swear something is wrong with me.
I can't let people go. I can't say goodbye. I just can't. I hate that it's so easy for him to let me go.
I keep looking at my phone. Even though I know he won't, and I know that he shouldn't. I keep waiting for him to text me. Just so I know that he's thinking about me. But he's not.
I just want the hurt to go away. I want the little crease in between my eyebrows to go away. I want to the aching in my chest to go away. I want to stop having to wipe my nose, and my eyes. I want to catch my breath for once. I want to forget about him.
So bad.
Distractions 1:09 AM
I haven't written for a while. I've been avoiding it.
All this pouring of emotions. I start to feel like it's too much. I'm too much.
I'm back in my parents house. I'm still adjusting. I can't really believe I'm back here again. I've been avoiding unpacking, because it just makes it real. This completele breakdown of my life.
A lot has happened with The DJ. Twice he has freaked out on me. I never imagined he would talk to me or treat me the way he has. But I know why he did. The first time was because I told him to leave me alone. And he flipped. He doesn't like it when the situation is out of his control. And he doesn't like to feel abandoned. But, like always, I apologized.
The second time was some Facebook bullshit, drama. And I honestly think that he was trying to justify in his mind why he broke up with me. He called me sneaky, and canniving. He was trying to turn me into the crazy ex-girlfriend. It hurt me so bad. It still hurts. I told him I would leave him alone, which he said I didn't have to do. But I have. I saw him once at my roomies place, and I pretty much gave him the cold shoulder.
He once told me that he wouldn't leave me alone. He would continue to contact me, and bother me when he was lonely. He might beg me to get back together with him. Until I lose it, and tell him to back off. But, he has left me alone. And I know him well enough, he found a distraction. A female distraction.
That's what I was when he first started dating me. A distraction from his last relationship. He doesn't know that I know this. And so, since I haven't heard from him late at night, I assume he is distracting himself with someone else.
It kills me.
I just wonder if he even cared about me. I know he never cared for me as much as I cared for him. It would hurt him more than this.
All this pouring of emotions. I start to feel like it's too much. I'm too much.
I'm back in my parents house. I'm still adjusting. I can't really believe I'm back here again. I've been avoiding unpacking, because it just makes it real. This completele breakdown of my life.
A lot has happened with The DJ. Twice he has freaked out on me. I never imagined he would talk to me or treat me the way he has. But I know why he did. The first time was because I told him to leave me alone. And he flipped. He doesn't like it when the situation is out of his control. And he doesn't like to feel abandoned. But, like always, I apologized.
The second time was some Facebook bullshit, drama. And I honestly think that he was trying to justify in his mind why he broke up with me. He called me sneaky, and canniving. He was trying to turn me into the crazy ex-girlfriend. It hurt me so bad. It still hurts. I told him I would leave him alone, which he said I didn't have to do. But I have. I saw him once at my roomies place, and I pretty much gave him the cold shoulder.
He once told me that he wouldn't leave me alone. He would continue to contact me, and bother me when he was lonely. He might beg me to get back together with him. Until I lose it, and tell him to back off. But, he has left me alone. And I know him well enough, he found a distraction. A female distraction.
That's what I was when he first started dating me. A distraction from his last relationship. He doesn't know that I know this. And so, since I haven't heard from him late at night, I assume he is distracting himself with someone else.
It kills me.
I just wonder if he even cared about me. I know he never cared for me as much as I cared for him. It would hurt him more than this.
