I am getting extremely mad at myself right now. I have to keep talking myself down. And I shouldn’t have to do this for such a tiny thing. I am writing about this here, because it’s such a tiny problem, I would feel completely retarded to bring it up to him.
Things have been completely wonderful, as I wrote in the last post. We talk to each other every day, he tells me he misses me all the time. And then he has the night off, and I knew he was going to go out. I know better than to ask what he is doing and who with, because I honestly don’t want to know. Ignorance has suited me lately. But usually, even when he goes out, he will shoot me a text. Or he will call me just to hear the sound of my voice. And last night…nothing. And I go into a small panic mode.
I guess a little background is due. The DJ and I started slowly seeing each other again after the second break-up. Very slowly. I started to trust his feelings for me again. Even though neither of us really mentioned getting back together. He would always talk about how eventually he knew we would end up together. But it was a distant future type of thing. We were dating, but not officially together. I would occasionally ask him if he was seeing someone else, and the reply was always no.
But, I started sensing something was up. He stopped texting late at night, telling me he loved me or missed me. And at that point I was trying to play it off like I didn’t care. But of course it drove me nutty. Sometime had passed, and I still was uneasy. There was a girls choice dance that was coming up, and he had hinted that he wanted me to ask him. I was extremely excited, because it made me feel like I was being paranoid for no reason. I went to his place to decorate and ask him to the dance. And there was his phone, sitting on his desk.
Yeah.
Needless to say, I looked through it. And I found exactly what I was afraid of. I won’t go into details, but he was seeing someone, and he wasn’t being honest about it. I told him that we were done. To which he first got angry, then got sad and regretful. Dammit, I am trying very hard not to go into storyteller mode, and I am not doing a good job. I wanted this to be a very short re-telling so I can make my original point.
I went back and forth on if I could date him knowing he was seeing someone else. And ultimately decided I would try. To which he eventually stopped seeing her. Which brought us to the point we are at. Which brings me to why I get so damn paranoid when he doesn’t text me when he goes out. WHEW!
I don’t want to feel like this. I know it has been such a huge problem with me. I know that unless I get over it, I will end up right back where I don’t want to be. Where I become so overwhelming, that end up scaring him away again. But where is the line? Where I end up sacrificing my own happiness just to walk the tightrope for him? He still betrayed my trust, and that feeling lingers a little. Even though I know if I choose to continue to see him, I have to let go of the trust issues. We still aren’t officially together, so he has every right to do whatever he wants without having to answer to me. But I don’t think I am asking him to answer to me. It goes back to knowing that his heart is with me when I’m not around. And when he gives just that little bit, I feel so much better. And when he doesn’t, I feel like it’s impending doom.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Breathe 1:52 PM
I have written so much about heartbreak and loss on here. And I forget to write about falling in love and happiness. And that was originally what I wanted this blog to be about. Obviously, I knew there would be ups and downs. But I focus so much on the downs. I read back and think to myself 'man, there were so many good times, and I just skipped right over them.' I don't know why I do this.
So, I am in love...again. And I am going to write about the good stuff this time. I have already missed a lot of it. And I am sad for that. Because he says and does some of the sweetest things.
The DJ and I are hopelessly attached to each other. And this time we are taking things very slowly. We see each other about 2-3 times a week. Which is just enough to miss each other, but not so long that I get frustrated. As I have written about many times on this blog. I am very co-dependent, and being without him for long periods of time makes me extremely anxious. I am doing better with that.
There are a ton of 'miss yous' and 'love yous'. And boy do I relish in it. Like a giant cushy bed covered in soft pillows, I roll around in the warmth, and I never want to leave that bed. Sappy. He created our own little facebook page that only he and I can see. And there are plenty of little love letters to each other.
We have had such a lovely time together. And it's hard to come back down. I keep reminding myself to breathe, because I get so excited at the idea of a future together. Which we both know is pretty much inevitable at this point. We really can't escape each other. I have to tell myself to slow down. That is one of my biggest problems. Instead of enjoying every moment, I want my future with him to start now. I watch videos and read blogs about happily married couples enjoying their little lives on this big planet. And I get choked up, cause I want that for us. I know it's going to be just amazing. We aren't officially together, because he wants to be ready to take the next step. Do it as it comes naturally, instead of forcing it, which can lead to a ton of resentment. And my stupid little brain throws it's little brain tantrum. 'NOW NOW NOW'
It's not really the whole getting married thing, or settling down. Those aren't things that I associate with the future. Truthfully, the only reason I want to get married sooner than later is so I still look relatively young and pretty in my wedding pictures. Which is quite irrelevent in the grand scheme of things. And I sure as hell don't want to settle down. I want to party and play until my body tells me to fuck off.
I just want to know he's mine. Not in the ownership sense. I hate that ball and chain crap and I have never been good at it. Just knowing that his heart is with me, even when he isn't physically with me. He texted this to me once:
'I think I'm feeling for you what you feel for me. Like I miss you and I wish I was just with you right now. This is gonna sound faggy but I think I'm longing for you right now or something.'
Longing is the best way to put it. I know sometimes people need their space, but I like for that longing to be there. It makes me feel better. Like I can breathe.
And so until the future is here, I am enjoying the now. I'm bathing in it. Every tiny little drop of it. Every smile, every kiss, every whisper, every giggle. All of it.
So, I am in love...again. And I am going to write about the good stuff this time. I have already missed a lot of it. And I am sad for that. Because he says and does some of the sweetest things.
The DJ and I are hopelessly attached to each other. And this time we are taking things very slowly. We see each other about 2-3 times a week. Which is just enough to miss each other, but not so long that I get frustrated. As I have written about many times on this blog. I am very co-dependent, and being without him for long periods of time makes me extremely anxious. I am doing better with that.
There are a ton of 'miss yous' and 'love yous'. And boy do I relish in it. Like a giant cushy bed covered in soft pillows, I roll around in the warmth, and I never want to leave that bed. Sappy. He created our own little facebook page that only he and I can see. And there are plenty of little love letters to each other.
We have had such a lovely time together. And it's hard to come back down. I keep reminding myself to breathe, because I get so excited at the idea of a future together. Which we both know is pretty much inevitable at this point. We really can't escape each other. I have to tell myself to slow down. That is one of my biggest problems. Instead of enjoying every moment, I want my future with him to start now. I watch videos and read blogs about happily married couples enjoying their little lives on this big planet. And I get choked up, cause I want that for us. I know it's going to be just amazing. We aren't officially together, because he wants to be ready to take the next step. Do it as it comes naturally, instead of forcing it, which can lead to a ton of resentment. And my stupid little brain throws it's little brain tantrum. 'NOW NOW NOW'
It's not really the whole getting married thing, or settling down. Those aren't things that I associate with the future. Truthfully, the only reason I want to get married sooner than later is so I still look relatively young and pretty in my wedding pictures. Which is quite irrelevent in the grand scheme of things. And I sure as hell don't want to settle down. I want to party and play until my body tells me to fuck off.
I just want to know he's mine. Not in the ownership sense. I hate that ball and chain crap and I have never been good at it. Just knowing that his heart is with me, even when he isn't physically with me. He texted this to me once:
'I think I'm feeling for you what you feel for me. Like I miss you and I wish I was just with you right now. This is gonna sound faggy but I think I'm longing for you right now or something.'
Longing is the best way to put it. I know sometimes people need their space, but I like for that longing to be there. It makes me feel better. Like I can breathe.
And so until the future is here, I am enjoying the now. I'm bathing in it. Every tiny little drop of it. Every smile, every kiss, every whisper, every giggle. All of it.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Disaster 12:25 AM
I do this thing where I think of the worst case scenario and practice how I would react in my head. I am always thinking of the worst thing that could happen. And I prepare myself. Exactly what I would say, how I would move my eyebrows, how I would leave the room. I am always preparing myself for doom.
DOOM DOOM DOOM!!
I have read articles and heard plenty of people say that your outlook on life affects how your life unfolds. If you are positive and think optimistically, good things will happen. And if you are pessimistic...blah blah.
You all know where this is going.
Was I always waiting for disaster to strike? Fuck no! I was perky and happy-go-lucky in junior high. Weren't we all? Not from what I here. I have always thought of myself as extremely fortunate to have the childhood and adolescence that I had. But, as I got older, I formed relationships. And slowly I became cautious. Was it because I had a chip on my shoulder? Or was it because of who I chose to trust with my most intimate feelings. I hate passing blame, because every move I made was my own choice. So then the question arises, am I a glutton for punishment? Am I one of those girls who chooses to be with people who will constantly 'challenge' her. To put it lightly.
Where does the responsibility lie? Or is there any responsibility to be had? Am I a product of society, upbringing, situations, relationships, influences? FUCK!! Am I a product of anything except my own DNA encoding? Anyone with any sense of logic would say all of the above.
And yet, how do I fix it? How do I stop this pessimism? After so long my mind has been trained, in some way, to constantly look over my shoulder. My inner voice tells me it's for my own protection. But am I creating my own disaster by expecting it?
DOOM DOOM DOOM!!
I have read articles and heard plenty of people say that your outlook on life affects how your life unfolds. If you are positive and think optimistically, good things will happen. And if you are pessimistic...blah blah.
You all know where this is going.
Was I always waiting for disaster to strike? Fuck no! I was perky and happy-go-lucky in junior high. Weren't we all? Not from what I here. I have always thought of myself as extremely fortunate to have the childhood and adolescence that I had. But, as I got older, I formed relationships. And slowly I became cautious. Was it because I had a chip on my shoulder? Or was it because of who I chose to trust with my most intimate feelings. I hate passing blame, because every move I made was my own choice. So then the question arises, am I a glutton for punishment? Am I one of those girls who chooses to be with people who will constantly 'challenge' her. To put it lightly.
Where does the responsibility lie? Or is there any responsibility to be had? Am I a product of society, upbringing, situations, relationships, influences? FUCK!! Am I a product of anything except my own DNA encoding? Anyone with any sense of logic would say all of the above.
And yet, how do I fix it? How do I stop this pessimism? After so long my mind has been trained, in some way, to constantly look over my shoulder. My inner voice tells me it's for my own protection. But am I creating my own disaster by expecting it?
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Circles 10:03 PM
I have had a hard time convincing myself to write anything. After a while, it seems like I am writing the same thing over and over. Feeling the same things. In the exact same order. A broken record.
When I started this blog, I decided to invite a few of my close friends and family to follow along. Their advice and insight was important to me. But what I didn't foresee was that it might affect how they saw me. Since they knew the people I was talking about, and they saw the heartbreak and anxiety I was going through, it became a means to not like the person that was putting me through it. And so as things changed yet again, and The DJ and I started seeing each other, some people were not particularly happy with that decision. I didn't realize that me being open about my feelings through this whole process, even outside of the blog, people would have such a negative reaction to The DJ personally.
Since I am living at home, my parents have seen how much I struggled after he dumped me. And I told them almost everything. Mistake.
Now, my dad has even told me that he is not welcome in his house. I couldn't even believe that he felt so strongly. My relationship with The Ex was extremely volatile, and it affected me more negatively than anything I'd ever been through. I was emotionally abused and manipulated on a constant basis. He made me feel terrible about who I was, I gained insane amounts of weight out of depression. I stopped communicating with friends because his jealousy was out of control. 6 years of my life, and I was completely miserable. My parents knew it. But not once did they ever say he wasn't welcome in their house. And then The DJ, yes he broke my heart twice. Yes it was painful. But only because he was choosing not to be with me. Not because he made me miserable, or manipulated me. Just the terrible feeling of loss and loneliness.
And I think it's because I have been too damn open about every little feeling I have. I feel awful, and it hangs over my head. The DJ and I have fallen in love...again. And we both know that we can't escape each other. That sense that we have found something we won't come across again. We are not trying to rush into anything serious, and by no means has it been an easy 4 months. But he has told me that he knows we will end up together, and he knows he wants to marry me. And in knowing that, it has created this barrier between my family and I. I feel like I can't be honest when I go to hang out with him. Because when I say I am, I get lectured. They tell me not to get back together with him, that they don't like him. It breaks my heart that I made them see him in this light. I never meant to make him seem awful, because honestly he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in god knows how long, I feel like myself again. I am still working through self esteem issues from The Ex. But The DJ loves everything about me.
I have a lot of issues to work on myself, before I can be in a lasting relationship with him. Our schedules don't permit us to see a lot of each other. And I struggle with that. I won't get to see him until next Saturday, and the anxiety builds until then. I have thought about seeing a therapist, because I don't think it's very natural to be this anxious with even the thought of being without him. I guess that is all dependent on my financial situation if I am able to do it. But until then, an insane amount of distraction is all I can do.
As for this blog and my readers. I have thought about possibly doing a new blog, and making it strictly anonymous. Not allowing people that I personally know to see this. But I have put my heart and soul into this one. I think that I am just going to say this. To those of you that know me. Please don't judge. I understand that you love me, and you only want what's best for me. But I know that every single one of you, be it short relationships or long marriages, you have had your struggles. You have had partners who have made huge mistakes, and I'm sure you have also made your own mistakes. But if you truly love someone, you work through them. And this is what we are doing. If I vent, it's because it's my way of working through the small things so it doesn't become big. It's not because he isn't amazing, or that I don't love him with all my heart. And I absolutely do.
I never stopped.
When I started this blog, I decided to invite a few of my close friends and family to follow along. Their advice and insight was important to me. But what I didn't foresee was that it might affect how they saw me. Since they knew the people I was talking about, and they saw the heartbreak and anxiety I was going through, it became a means to not like the person that was putting me through it. And so as things changed yet again, and The DJ and I started seeing each other, some people were not particularly happy with that decision. I didn't realize that me being open about my feelings through this whole process, even outside of the blog, people would have such a negative reaction to The DJ personally.
Since I am living at home, my parents have seen how much I struggled after he dumped me. And I told them almost everything. Mistake.
Now, my dad has even told me that he is not welcome in his house. I couldn't even believe that he felt so strongly. My relationship with The Ex was extremely volatile, and it affected me more negatively than anything I'd ever been through. I was emotionally abused and manipulated on a constant basis. He made me feel terrible about who I was, I gained insane amounts of weight out of depression. I stopped communicating with friends because his jealousy was out of control. 6 years of my life, and I was completely miserable. My parents knew it. But not once did they ever say he wasn't welcome in their house. And then The DJ, yes he broke my heart twice. Yes it was painful. But only because he was choosing not to be with me. Not because he made me miserable, or manipulated me. Just the terrible feeling of loss and loneliness.
And I think it's because I have been too damn open about every little feeling I have. I feel awful, and it hangs over my head. The DJ and I have fallen in love...again. And we both know that we can't escape each other. That sense that we have found something we won't come across again. We are not trying to rush into anything serious, and by no means has it been an easy 4 months. But he has told me that he knows we will end up together, and he knows he wants to marry me. And in knowing that, it has created this barrier between my family and I. I feel like I can't be honest when I go to hang out with him. Because when I say I am, I get lectured. They tell me not to get back together with him, that they don't like him. It breaks my heart that I made them see him in this light. I never meant to make him seem awful, because honestly he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in god knows how long, I feel like myself again. I am still working through self esteem issues from The Ex. But The DJ loves everything about me.
I have a lot of issues to work on myself, before I can be in a lasting relationship with him. Our schedules don't permit us to see a lot of each other. And I struggle with that. I won't get to see him until next Saturday, and the anxiety builds until then. I have thought about seeing a therapist, because I don't think it's very natural to be this anxious with even the thought of being without him. I guess that is all dependent on my financial situation if I am able to do it. But until then, an insane amount of distraction is all I can do.
As for this blog and my readers. I have thought about possibly doing a new blog, and making it strictly anonymous. Not allowing people that I personally know to see this. But I have put my heart and soul into this one. I think that I am just going to say this. To those of you that know me. Please don't judge. I understand that you love me, and you only want what's best for me. But I know that every single one of you, be it short relationships or long marriages, you have had your struggles. You have had partners who have made huge mistakes, and I'm sure you have also made your own mistakes. But if you truly love someone, you work through them. And this is what we are doing. If I vent, it's because it's my way of working through the small things so it doesn't become big. It's not because he isn't amazing, or that I don't love him with all my heart. And I absolutely do.
I never stopped.
