Breathe

I have written so much about heartbreak and loss on here. And I forget to write about falling in love and happiness. And that was originally what I wanted this blog to be about. Obviously, I knew there would be ups and downs. But I focus so much on the downs. I read back and think to myself 'man, there were so many good times, and I just skipped right over them.' I don't know why I do this.

So, I am in love...again. And I am going to write about the good stuff this time. I have already missed a lot of it. And I am sad for that. Because he says and does some of the sweetest things.

The DJ and I are hopelessly attached to each other. And this time we are taking things very slowly. We see each other about 2-3 times a week. Which is just enough to miss each other, but not so long that I get frustrated. As I have written about many times on this blog. I am very co-dependent, and being without him for long periods of time makes me extremely anxious. I am doing better with that.

There are a ton of 'miss yous' and 'love yous'. And boy do I relish in it. Like a giant cushy bed covered in soft pillows, I roll around in the warmth, and I never want to leave that bed. Sappy. He created our own little facebook page that only he and I can see. And there are plenty of little love letters to each other.

We have had such a lovely time together. And it's hard to come back down. I keep reminding myself to breathe, because I get so excited at the idea of a future together. Which we both know is pretty much inevitable at this point. We really can't escape each other. I have to tell myself to slow down. That is one of my biggest problems. Instead of enjoying every moment, I want my future with him to start now. I watch videos and read blogs about happily married couples enjoying their little lives on this big planet. And I get choked up, cause I want that for us. I know it's going to be just amazing. We aren't officially together, because he wants to be ready to take the next step. Do it as it comes naturally, instead of forcing it, which can lead to a ton of resentment. And my stupid little brain throws it's little brain tantrum. 'NOW NOW NOW'

It's not really the whole getting married thing, or settling down. Those aren't things that I associate with the future. Truthfully, the only reason I want to get married sooner than later is so I still look relatively young and pretty in my wedding pictures. Which is quite irrelevent in the grand scheme of things. And I sure as hell don't want to settle down. I want to party and play until my body tells me to fuck off.

I just want to know he's mine. Not in the ownership sense. I hate that ball and chain crap and I have never been good at it. Just knowing that his heart is with me, even when he isn't physically with me. He texted this to me once:

'I think I'm feeling for you what you feel for me. Like I miss you and I wish I was just with you right now. This is gonna sound faggy but I think I'm longing for you right now or something.'

Longing is the best way to put it. I know sometimes people need their space, but I like for that longing to be there. It makes me feel better. Like I can breathe.

And so until the future is here, I am enjoying the now. I'm bathing in it. Every tiny little drop of it. Every smile, every kiss, every whisper, every giggle. All of it.