Panic 11:20 AM

I am getting extremely mad at myself right now. I have to keep talking myself down. And I shouldn’t have to do this for such a tiny thing. I am writing about this here, because it’s such a tiny problem, I would feel completely retarded to bring it up to him.
Things have been completely wonderful, as I wrote in the last post. We talk to each other every day, he tells me he misses me all the time. And then he has the night off, and I knew he was going to go out. I know better than to ask what he is doing and who with, because I honestly don’t want to know. Ignorance has suited me lately. But usually, even when he goes out, he will shoot me a text. Or he will call me just to hear the sound of my voice. And last night…nothing. And I go into a small panic mode.

I guess a little background is due. The DJ and I started slowly seeing each other again after the second break-up. Very slowly. I started to trust his feelings for me again. Even though neither of us really mentioned getting back together. He would always talk about how eventually he knew we would end up together. But it was a distant future type of thing. We were dating, but not officially together. I would occasionally ask him if he was seeing someone else, and the reply was always no.

But, I started sensing something was up. He stopped texting late at night, telling me he loved me or missed me. And at that point I was trying to play it off like I didn’t care. But of course it drove me nutty. Sometime had passed, and I still was uneasy. There was a girls choice dance that was coming up, and he had hinted that he wanted me to ask him. I was extremely excited, because it made me feel like I was being paranoid for no reason. I went to his place to decorate and ask him to the dance. And there was his phone, sitting on his desk.

Yeah.

Needless to say, I looked through it. And I found exactly what I was afraid of. I won’t go into details, but he was seeing someone, and he wasn’t being honest about it. I told him that we were done. To which he first got angry, then got sad and regretful. Dammit, I am trying very hard not to go into storyteller mode, and I am not doing a good job. I wanted this to be a very short re-telling so I can make my original point.

I went back and forth on if I could date him knowing he was seeing someone else. And ultimately decided I would try. To which he eventually stopped seeing her. Which brought us to the point we are at. Which brings me to why I get so damn paranoid when he doesn’t text me when he goes out. WHEW!

I don’t want to feel like this. I know it has been such a huge problem with me. I know that unless I get over it, I will end up right back where I don’t want to be. Where I become so overwhelming, that end up scaring him away again. But where is the line? Where I end up sacrificing my own happiness just to walk the tightrope for him? He still betrayed my trust, and that feeling lingers a little. Even though I know if I choose to continue to see him, I have to let go of the trust issues. We still aren’t officially together, so he has every right to do whatever he wants without having to answer to me. But I don’t think I am asking him to answer to me. It goes back to knowing that his heart is with me when I’m not around. And when he gives just that little bit, I feel so much better. And when he doesn’t, I feel like it’s impending doom.

Breathe 1:52 PM

I have written so much about heartbreak and loss on here. And I forget to write about falling in love and happiness. And that was originally what I wanted this blog to be about. Obviously, I knew there would be ups and downs. But I focus so much on the downs. I read back and think to myself 'man, there were so many good times, and I just skipped right over them.' I don't know why I do this.

So, I am in love...again. And I am going to write about the good stuff this time. I have already missed a lot of it. And I am sad for that. Because he says and does some of the sweetest things.

The DJ and I are hopelessly attached to each other. And this time we are taking things very slowly. We see each other about 2-3 times a week. Which is just enough to miss each other, but not so long that I get frustrated. As I have written about many times on this blog. I am very co-dependent, and being without him for long periods of time makes me extremely anxious. I am doing better with that.

There are a ton of 'miss yous' and 'love yous'. And boy do I relish in it. Like a giant cushy bed covered in soft pillows, I roll around in the warmth, and I never want to leave that bed. Sappy. He created our own little facebook page that only he and I can see. And there are plenty of little love letters to each other.

We have had such a lovely time together. And it's hard to come back down. I keep reminding myself to breathe, because I get so excited at the idea of a future together. Which we both know is pretty much inevitable at this point. We really can't escape each other. I have to tell myself to slow down. That is one of my biggest problems. Instead of enjoying every moment, I want my future with him to start now. I watch videos and read blogs about happily married couples enjoying their little lives on this big planet. And I get choked up, cause I want that for us. I know it's going to be just amazing. We aren't officially together, because he wants to be ready to take the next step. Do it as it comes naturally, instead of forcing it, which can lead to a ton of resentment. And my stupid little brain throws it's little brain tantrum. 'NOW NOW NOW'

It's not really the whole getting married thing, or settling down. Those aren't things that I associate with the future. Truthfully, the only reason I want to get married sooner than later is so I still look relatively young and pretty in my wedding pictures. Which is quite irrelevent in the grand scheme of things. And I sure as hell don't want to settle down. I want to party and play until my body tells me to fuck off.

I just want to know he's mine. Not in the ownership sense. I hate that ball and chain crap and I have never been good at it. Just knowing that his heart is with me, even when he isn't physically with me. He texted this to me once:

'I think I'm feeling for you what you feel for me. Like I miss you and I wish I was just with you right now. This is gonna sound faggy but I think I'm longing for you right now or something.'

Longing is the best way to put it. I know sometimes people need their space, but I like for that longing to be there. It makes me feel better. Like I can breathe.

And so until the future is here, I am enjoying the now. I'm bathing in it. Every tiny little drop of it. Every smile, every kiss, every whisper, every giggle. All of it.

Disaster 12:25 AM

I do this thing where I think of the worst case scenario and practice how I would react in my head. I am always thinking of the worst thing that could happen. And I prepare myself. Exactly what I would say, how I would move my eyebrows, how I would leave the room. I am always preparing myself for doom.

DOOM DOOM DOOM!!

I have read articles and heard plenty of people say that your outlook on life affects how your life unfolds. If you are positive and think optimistically, good things will happen. And if you are pessimistic...blah blah.

You all know where this is going.

Was I always waiting for disaster to strike? Fuck no! I was perky and happy-go-lucky in junior high. Weren't we all? Not from what I here. I have always thought of myself as extremely fortunate to have the childhood and adolescence that I had. But, as I got older, I formed relationships. And slowly I became cautious. Was it because I had a chip on my shoulder? Or was it because of who I chose to trust with my most intimate feelings. I hate passing blame, because every move I made was my own choice. So then the question arises, am I a glutton for punishment? Am I one of those girls who chooses to be with people who will constantly 'challenge' her. To put it lightly.

Where does the responsibility lie? Or is there any responsibility to be had? Am I a product of society, upbringing, situations, relationships, influences? FUCK!! Am I a product of anything except my own DNA encoding? Anyone with any sense of logic would say all of the above.

And yet, how do I fix it? How do I stop this pessimism? After so long my mind has been trained, in some way, to constantly look over my shoulder. My inner voice tells me it's for my own protection. But am I creating my own disaster by expecting it?

Circles 10:03 PM

I have had a hard time convincing myself to write anything. After a while, it seems like I am writing the same thing over and over. Feeling the same things. In the exact same order. A broken record.

When I started this blog, I decided to invite a few of my close friends and family to follow along. Their advice and insight was important to me. But what I didn't foresee was that it might affect how they saw me. Since they knew the people I was talking about, and they saw the heartbreak and anxiety I was going through, it became a means to not like the person that was putting me through it. And so as things changed yet again, and The DJ and I started seeing each other, some people were not particularly happy with that decision. I didn't realize that me being open about my feelings through this whole process, even outside of the blog, people would have such a negative reaction to The DJ personally.

Since I am living at home, my parents have seen how much I struggled after he dumped me. And I told them almost everything. Mistake.

Now, my dad has even told me that he is not welcome in his house. I couldn't even believe that he felt so strongly. My relationship with The Ex was extremely volatile, and it affected me more negatively than anything I'd ever been through. I was emotionally abused and manipulated on a constant basis. He made me feel terrible about who I was, I gained insane amounts of weight out of depression. I stopped communicating with friends because his jealousy was out of control. 6 years of my life, and I was completely miserable. My parents knew it. But not once did they ever say he wasn't welcome in their house. And then The DJ, yes he broke my heart twice. Yes it was painful. But only because he was choosing not to be with me. Not because he made me miserable, or manipulated me. Just the terrible feeling of loss and loneliness.

And I think it's because I have been too damn open about every little feeling I have. I feel awful, and it hangs over my head. The DJ and I have fallen in love...again. And we both know that we can't escape each other. That sense that we have found something we won't come across again. We are not trying to rush into anything serious, and by no means has it been an easy 4 months. But he has told me that he knows we will end up together, and he knows he wants to marry me. And in knowing that, it has created this barrier between my family and I. I feel like I can't be honest when I go to hang out with him. Because when I say I am, I get lectured. They tell me not to get back together with him, that they don't like him. It breaks my heart that I made them see him in this light. I never meant to make him seem awful, because honestly he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in god knows how long, I feel like myself again. I am still working through self esteem issues from The Ex. But The DJ loves everything about me.

I have a lot of issues to work on myself, before I can be in a lasting relationship with him. Our schedules don't permit us to see a lot of each other. And I struggle with that. I won't get to see him until next Saturday, and the anxiety builds until then. I have thought about seeing a therapist, because I don't think it's very natural to be this anxious with even the thought of being without him. I guess that is all dependent on my financial situation if I am able to do it. But until then, an insane amount of distraction is all I can do.

As for this blog and my readers. I have thought about possibly doing a new blog, and making it strictly anonymous. Not allowing people that I personally know to see this. But I have put my heart and soul into this one. I think that I am just going to say this. To those of you that know me. Please don't judge. I understand that you love me, and you only want what's best for me. But I know that every single one of you, be it short relationships or long marriages, you have had your struggles. You have had partners who have made huge mistakes, and I'm sure you have also made your own mistakes. But if you truly love someone, you work through them. And this is what we are doing. If I vent, it's because it's my way of working through the small things so it doesn't become big. It's not because he isn't amazing, or that I don't love him with all my heart. And I absolutely do.

I never stopped.

The Heart 4:28 PM

The heart fell off on Thursday night.

The chain was taken off today.




I miss you already, but I don't know what else to do.

Been a while 5:31 PM

I haven't had the need to write here as much. I always think this is a good thing, in that I am usually depressed when I feel like writing. So things haven't been as terrible.

I definitely have some catching up to do, but I just wanted to remember this conversation I had with The DJ.

We were having lunch, celebrating the news that I finally got a job. And out of the blue he says, 'I don't know what my problem is.'

I ask him what he means, and he just repeats himself. Again, I wonder what the hell he is talking about.

He says, 'I have this list of things I want in a girl, and you fit every one perfectly. You're cute as hell, you're funny, you're sweet, you're adventurous in the sack. I don't know what my problem is.'

I tell him I don't know what to say. He continues 'I've had an amazing time with you the past few days. It would be stupid not to give it another go with you, but I know in a month I would just freak out again.'

At this point I say that I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Unhappy Birthday 1:11 AM

It is The DJ's birthday.

And I keep playing Unhappy Birthday by The Smiths. Over and over again.


I had so many plans when we were together. I spoke to friends to do paintings, and a cool remix of The Portal song. I had so many plans.

Fuck. I am trying to think of what to say. But the confusion is unbearable at this point. The sadness is unbearable. There is going to be a huge party Friday. And I won't be there.

He wonders why I am so sad.

It's because I loved him so much. I cared about him. I would have done anything for him.

What it comes down to. The pain, the hurt. No one wants to know that the person you love more than anyone, doesn't want to be with you. With me.

It's consuming. It doesn't make sense in my mind. I cannot think of anything else.




Happy Birthday Mister.

Drink and be ill tonight. From the one you left behind.

The Curb 1:49 AM

The curb. The curb that I have been avoiding since I got here.

It is infamous in my mind. It is the curb of contemplation.

The curb of misery, of pain, of contempt.

This curb has been probably the one significant constant in my life. I keep looking at it. It calls to me. Like a siren waiting to drown me. It's song is hypnotic.

It's my song.

After every heartbreak, I would sit there and stair at the stars, at my star. It's not actually a star. It's a planet, which is something I learned later on. I was never sure what planet it was, but I decided it was Venus. I don't know why.

I tried to give it away once. To my first boyfriend. The Goth. I was 16. Out of pure romantic intentions, I pulled him outside and told him I wanted to give something to him. It was my star, and it meant everything to me. I used to make wishes on it. And I wanted him to have it.

And he laughed. He said that you can't give stars away. This is a true story. I was devastated.

He soon dumped me. Not to my face. He just decided to start ignoring me one day. Hoping I would just go away. And I did.

And so, I would sit on that curb, and stare at my star. And I would cry. I thought that maybe the universe knew something that I didn't. I didn't know anything about religion or god. So there was nothing to pray to. I just stared and hoped that I would have some kind of understanding.

My second boyfriend was a curb kind of boyfriend. The Ego. He lied to me constantly. Betrayed my trust on a daily basis. But I always tried to be the cool girlfriend. I let him do whatever he wanted, so people didn't think I was typical. So he didn't think I was typical. I was always extremely laid back. I did whatever he asked, and when he didn't want me around, I relented. I would disappear in my bedroom until he came calling. This is the beginnings of what defines me in a relationship. I was told constantly that he was cheating on me, but I didn't think it was fair to make those kind of accusations unless I had undeniable proof. I was incredibly trusting. Even after I caught him in so many lies, I never punished him for it. After 4 years, I got a proposal when he was on his mission. But he came home early, and claimed that he didn't mean any of it. He was mentally not in the right place. And so I gave up.

I spent so much time on the curb when I was with him. I always thought if you were compassionate, understanding, trusting. It would be enough. But it wasn't. It was a way for a boy to have his cake and eat it too. I was so confused. And so I looked to the stars. Hoping still that they would tell me something.

Very soon after I met my third boyfriend. The Goof. That is such a terrible nickname. But to me it is complimentary. Because it was the reason I fell in love with him. He and I were perfect. I adored him and had such a blast. The relationship was full of honesty and trust. He included me in everything. It was such a change from my previous. But after a few years, he dumped me. While we were living together. I can't even remember why. I don't think there was any good reason. It was extremely hard living together and him starting to date. I went out constantly, so as not to deal with my living environment. I immediately fell for a very tall, very dark, handsome man. The Ex. He was married at the time though. We both spent a lot of time together, but we had agreed that nothing could happen until he left his wife. Which was about 8 months later. In the meantime, I still ended up moving back to my parents. And I still ended up on that curb. The confusion was building. The Goof had started to realize what he had lost, but The Ex was manipulative and jealous. He didn't like that he was married and had no control over our relationship, or the relationship I had with The Goof. And so he left his wife, and moved in with his brother. Soon, I was basically living with him at his brothers house.

We had a very long, tumultuous relationship. Filled with jealousy, anger and lies. On both ends. He made me feel bad about who I was. And so I disappeared. From my social life. From my friends. And so, as a need to cling to my old life, I kept in contact with The Goof. And I lied about it, because it would upset The Ex. I did this many times, over a period of years. And I can't justify it. But I felt it was the only way to keep sane. I have never fought or yelled like I did with The Ex. It was not who I was. After about 5 years of this, and after The Ex had met someone from his biker group. He asked me to move out. I moved in with a friend, because I couldn't bare to move back in with my parents again. But, the situation at that house became unbearable. And I caved and move in with my parents...again.

And I ended up on that fucking curb again. This time, just out of habit. Not expecting answers. I just did it, because that's what I always did. At this point, the stars have faded terribly. Except for mine. I knew what I had done wrong, but it was out of fear. And I spent an entire year trying to prove myself to The Ex. But he was busy with another woman. He still won't admit it, but it was a matter again of having his cake and eating it too. I made it damn easy for him.

I finally gave up. And I promised myself that the minute I decided to start dating again it would be over with The Ex and I. And when I told him he flipped. He said he wanted to prove himself to me. That he would change. But I had a year to get over him. I had 6 months on that damn curb, and I wasn't about to be there again.

So I met The Good Guy. And that was the beginning of this blog. He was sweet and kind, and protective. He wanted to take care of me. For the first time in the history of my dating, a boy genuinely wanted to take care of me. It was so nice. And comforting. But, as I have posted, it was over quickly. He worried I was a rebound. And I'm sure he was right. And I spent a ton of time on the curb. I thought I had done everything right. I was different. I'm not controlling, I'm not materialistic. I love taking care of people. I was the cool girlfriend again. And still it wasn't enough. It never seemed to be a loss for these boys until it was too late. And I wondered, what is the pattern? There has to be one.

I moved into an apartment downtown, and soon started dating The DJ. Which I have explained in more detail than I'm sure you would like. And here I am again. And I am avoiding that fucking curb like hell. Because, what has the universe told me? Except for, stop trying so damn hard, cause it doesn't mean shit. It sounds so pessimistic, and I hate that I have ended up that way. People keep telling me to stop focusing on pleasing other people. They have told me that I lose myself in relationships. But I don't know anything else. It's my nature. I feel like I have to change my core to be in a successful relationship. I have to lie to myself.

Even tonight, The DJ texted me saying he was depressed. That he has been partying a lot, but his self-confidence is waning. And I really want to tell him to fuck off. That he doesn't know the meaning of being depressed, because he's never had to take responsibility for being a selfish prick. But instead I was encouraging. I wanted to make him feel better. It's just who I am. And after being supportive, he stops texting and just ignores me. And I'm worse off for it.

And all I want to do is sit on that curb, and beg the universe for some damn answers. I don't know why, but I think I'm owed at least one.

Goodbye? 11:44 PM

How do you say goodbye?

Emotionally.

I miss everything. At night, I sit and think about every little thing I miss. Just going through my computer, I run across things that remind me of him. It makes it next to impossible to move on.

I've tried to file away everything I can, so as not to come across it. But then I come across The Goofy Movie. Which was one of his favorites. And he sang the entire movie as we watched it together. While I laughed the entire time. Pictures of us together. We had such a blast, and he was so proud of having me by his side. We'd sit in bed together, passing the vodka bottle back and forth. Sharing funny memes and videos. I'm trying so hard to move past this, but I swear something is wrong with me.

I can't let people go. I can't say goodbye. I just can't. I hate that it's so easy for him to let me go.

I keep looking at my phone. Even though I know he won't, and I know that he shouldn't. I keep waiting for him to text me. Just so I know that he's thinking about me. But he's not.

I just want the hurt to go away. I want the little crease in between my eyebrows to go away. I want to the aching in my chest to go away. I want to stop having to wipe my nose, and my eyes. I want to catch my breath for once. I want to forget about him.

So bad.

Distractions 1:09 AM

I haven't written for a while. I've been avoiding it.

All this pouring of emotions. I start to feel like it's too much. I'm too much.

I'm back in my parents house. I'm still adjusting. I can't really believe I'm back here again. I've been avoiding unpacking, because it just makes it real. This completele breakdown of my life.

A lot has happened with The DJ. Twice he has freaked out on me. I never imagined he would talk to me or treat me the way he has. But I know why he did. The first time was because I told him to leave me alone. And he flipped. He doesn't like it when the situation is out of his control. And he doesn't like to feel abandoned. But, like always, I apologized.

The second time was some Facebook bullshit, drama. And I honestly think that he was trying to justify in his mind why he broke up with me. He called me sneaky, and canniving. He was trying to turn me into the crazy ex-girlfriend. It hurt me so bad. It still hurts. I told him I would leave him alone, which he said I didn't have to do. But I have. I saw him once at my roomies place, and I pretty much gave him the cold shoulder.

He once told me that he wouldn't leave me alone. He would continue to contact me, and bother me when he was lonely. He might beg me to get back together with him. Until I lose it, and tell him to back off. But, he has left me alone. And I know him well enough, he found a distraction. A female distraction.

That's what I was when he first started dating me. A distraction from his last relationship. He doesn't know that I know this. And so, since I haven't heard from him late at night, I assume he is distracting himself with someone else.

It kills me.

I just wonder if he even cared about me. I know he never cared for me as much as I cared for him. It would hurt him more than this.

Consequences 12:54 AM

This week has been completely insane and overwhelming.

I keep trying to figure out what I should be doing in this situation. I have tried to avoid conflict. I've tried to not be irrational. I've honestly tried to be the best ex-girlfriend I can be and I've made it extremely easy.

Why do I do this?

His gas has been off for a week, and so I let him come over and shower everyday. He is in and out, like that. He will tell me he loves me when he leaves, and kisses me goodbye. And he's off on his adventures. His life without me. Since I've been letting him do this, he hasn't asked me to hang out. I figure he gets his tiny fix of me, and so he doesn't have to stress about his feelings of guilt or worry. And I let him do this.

I want him to suffer. I really do. Is that bad? I feel like it's awful to feel this way, and so I let him get away with everything.

But tonight, I kind of lost it. I told him I felt used. I told him that he dumped me and I still feel like I'm taking care of him. And of course he took offense. He doesn't need anyone to take care of him.

Bullshit.

Even though he makes a fuck ton of money now, and has his own means of transportation. He still needs people to do shit for him, cause he doesn't plan anything in advance. Before, I was the one running back and forth to his work to bring him rolaids, or I would quickly go get beer or booze before the liquor store closed. I would go to the asian market and get him kimchi. And after he broke up with me, before I deleted my facebook, I saw that he was asking on his wall if anyone would go get him beer. He needs people, out of laziness. And he doesn't want to admit it.

So, I am weak. And I can't help but want to take care of him. But, I have asked my Dad to help me get the rest of my things out of my apartment tomorrow, so I won't be able to help him with the shower thing. And I absolutely will not be the girl who comes to his rescue anymore. Even when he calls just out of purely being lonely. He's still using me when it's convenient for him. And I'm not doing this for myself, although I think it will be good for me.

I'm doing it so this kid has to feel the pain. So he has to take some kind of responsibility. So there are some consequences to his actions. I want him to suffer, so he can at least learn something. So he knows what he's losing.

After he added me on Twitter, just so he can see what I'm up to. He started linking his Facebook posts to Twitter. And one thing he wrote made me so goddamn angry.

'I must be coated in Teflon. I can make the worst decisions in the world and I never see a consequence.'

That is about to end.

Flaws 9:40 PM

Today was not what I needed. At all. It's kind of brought me back to feeling awful.

After The Ex, I promised myself that I would do things differently. That I would be honest, I would try to be a better person. More understanding, more compassionate. Try to focus on my strengths. I promised myself that I wouldn't let my petty emotions ruin something good. The only time I would bring up any issues is if was important...significant.

And I honestly thought I had done better. Although I struggle with some things. I felt like a lot more of a balanced person.

But every time I hang out with The DJ, I feel like a bad person. I know it's not what he means. But he keeps ramming it down my throat how pessimistic I am. I feel bad for myself all the time, I don't take responsibility for my actions. And the one thing he said, that just keeps echoing in my head.

I'm needy.

That one kind of hurt. I know I'm co-dependent, but only because I loved being around him so much. And so, I sit here thinking that I spent so much time trying to focus and show my strengths to compensate for the things I struggle with. And it always comes down to those flaws in the end. Even after he broke up with me, I bit my tongue. I saw no point in making him feel bad. I don't like doing that.

I think he truly thinks he's doing me a favor. Bringing it to my attention. But there are just some things I can't change about myself. I try, I really do. But I just think there are some core things in people's personalities that you just can't escape. Maybe that's just me making excuses for myself. Maybe all of this is true. Maybe this blog is just one giant way to feel sorry for myself. I don't know.

I do know that I absolutely do not trust any of that group, or my roomie with my feelings anymore. They all take these situations and use them as entertainment. Gossip. The more I get to know these people, the more I am so happy I have the friends and family I have. They have been nothing but kind, and not once did they ever take this opportunity to put me down.

A year ago I had really come to terms with who I was. And I was kind of proud of that. I was almost happy with myself. But now, the confusion is just swirling. Just another flaw, allowing people to affect how I see myself.

Starting Over 9:38 PM

So, after reading my lovely friend's new blog, it has been decided I am a terrible writer. Add to it the constant whiny tone. I can't imagine that the few of you who come to my blog, would decide to come back.

And so, I will try to be more thoughtful, and insightful. And I will try not to use that same damn words all the time.

I was doing a little better lately. Until, I found out I didn't get my dream job. I was told that there were a lot of people more qualified. And then, as I immediately got back to looking for jobs, I saw the same position re-listed on Craigslist that day. It was a little devastating, if I can be dramatic for a moment. And all I can think is that my old job is screwing me over. I can't think of any other reason. And so, I think I am going to try to re-work my resume, and do my best to not include them. Or at least make it impossible to get in contact with them. It seems dishonest, but I've been out of work for almost 5 months. And I don't like that they are making it impossible to gain any sort of employment. Again I am making assumptions. But I have no other insight on the situation.

Okay, so that's the boring information. I have hung out with The DJ again since the first encounter. And it went pretty much the same way. A lot of conversation about our relationship. About me as a girlfriend. A lot of tears. On both ends. He told me that I was perfect, that I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had. I really don't want to get into my thought process at the moment. Because I have mentioned what kind of person he is. And even though he might been lucky enough to come across the love of his life, that's not important to him. Life to him is about spontaneity, and having fun. Living momentarily. But, I know he will regret it. Anyway, there was a lot of back and forth. I told him that I would never get back together with him, I just could never trust that he wouldn't do the same thing. Later, I told him that I was just trying to memorize all of these little moments because they will go away soon. To which he responded, I'm not the one who said I would never get back together with you. I looked at him confused, and said, it's not like you would get back together with me. And he pauses, and looks at me seriously. 'Just get your shit together.'

This is trouble. I took that as it was conditional, that if I 'get my shit together' he will want to get back with me. And everything in me screams to run. But, there is that little part that says, I would love to spend my life with him. I always imagined saving for a while, and traveling the world together.

I will get my shit together. But not for him. As sad as I am, I keep getting little glimpses of what it will feel like to start over. It has been overwhelming, and daunting getting started. But it's a little exciting. It's going to be a new life. And if I try as hard as I can to do whatever it takes, I know in a year or so, my life will be great. I think about after I get out of this place, and I get rid of my car. I can just work and save. And soon after that, I can be out of debt. And possibly get a little place of my own downtown. And decorate it like I have always dreamed. And it will be me and my cat. And possibly someone else who is lovely. And who loves me.

Inspiration 2:25 AM

The show Sex and the City was very much an inspiration for this blog. I liked the narrative. The idea of working through life being single, especially at my age. And writing about it was something I thought would not only be therapeutic, but a reminder of lessons I should learn. Being honest about the entire experience. Good and bad.

I just watched the second movie. And I won't get into how fucking ridiculous it was. That is a completely different subject. Good god was it bad.

Anyway, it's sometimes really easy to choose to write about certain things. Accomplishments, pitfalls, heartbreak. But it becomes really easy to pick and choose what truths you want revealed. Not only to my humble audience, but to myself.

And so, I was going to skip this one.

And then I decided, if I'm going to write on this blog. If I'm going to choose to be candid and honest about my life, I shouldn't skip the bad parts. I can't ignore my moments of weakness.

And so, I was weak. And yes...drunk. And I went to see The DJ last night.

As I walked up to his house. He sitting on a chair at the porch. And he had his squinty eyes on. Which means he was equally as drunk. When I was walking there, I picked a flower for him, and handed it to him, not realizing there was a giant wad of dirt hanging from the bottom. I pulled the entire root out. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know.

We hugged, and we spoke a lot. There was a lot to be said. He wanted me to know that the break-up was entirely his fault. His thing, as he put it. And he told me I was the best girlfriend he has ever had. That I am a special girl. I told him I knew why he broke up with me. And I had a feeling that he would eventually do it. I cried, quite a bit. He played some music for me, and we laughed a lot. And it was like how when we first met. I missed that so much.

I missed him so much.

Was it the best thing to do? Probably not. But, I feel...better. A lot of the sadness just kind of disappeared. I don't know what it means. And I'm trying not to focus on what it means.

I wrote the whole experience down in my journal. Because a lot of things are just too personal. I just want to remember it, because it seemed pretty significant. It was two adults, being honest about ourselves and what we want.

And I just have to say. After a breakup you say things to close friends, that make someone seem worse than they really are. Because of that stinging bitterness. But I just want to put this in writing. I will defend that boy to the ends of the earth. Because even though people say how terrible he was for me. How they didn't like him, or trust him. I absolutely adore him. And he has his flaws, just as much as I have mine. He IS a good person, and he took care of me the best way he could.

I am standing by that.

Whoa 11:17 AM

I have re-written this post about three times. I keep trying to think how it would make me feel if I was the other person, and came across it. Which completely defeats the purpose of this blog.

But I still try and have a little class.

Some things were texted to me last night. From The DJ. I almost posted the entire conversation, but I know I've seen things like that posted from friends. And I always thought to myself 'I can't believe they would be so personal'.

I knew that sooner or later he would get this way. Lonely and drunk. And it was a matter if I was strong enough to resist. And I did. He called and apologized today. And I apologized for calling him terrible. Even though he really was being terrible. We spoke for a moment about how things were going. And it was somewhat uncomfortable. Hopefully it won't be so uncomfortable in the future. And that is that. I guess.

As much as it hurts right now, and I was going to give in, because I miss him so much. I didn't. And I'm pretty damn proud of myself. Sad, but proud.

The First Date 11:50 PM

I feel like I'm writing way too damn much. But, I like to get this shit out while it's fresh on my mind.

I went on the date with Mr. Folds. And he is a solid guy. Funny, sweet, charming. He took me to eat middle eastern food for the first time. And it was surprisingly delicious. I let him pick what we ate, and we just shared. Potatoes and green beans. Oooh, it was so good. We talked a bit about our histories. He has not been married, and no kids. Which I was surprised about. And of course, because it's still very fresh. I talked about the whole situation with The DJ.

Then we met his friends at an art gallery next door and looked at some artwork. Some damn expensive artwork they considered buying. I'm talking 500 dollars for a tiny painting. Then we were off to meet more friends at The Dodo for drinks. He and his friends are hilarious and vulgar. Just the way I like it. I'm glad I didn't have to hold back, because they certainly didn't.

But as the night progressed. I got increasingly sad and anxious. I can't explain it. I'm still trying to figure it out. And I just kind of came to the conclusion that maybe it's still too soon.

He could absolutely tell. We talked a bit more before he dropped me off in his car. And I knew he could tell. I told him that I didn't even realize I wasn't ready until I was right in the middle of it. He completely understood. And he seems very genuine. I actually do like him, and I think he will be someone that I will hang out with again soon. He has his shit together and is doing well in life. Which isn't something I've experienced for a long time. An actual grown up. But I don't have my shit together. Right now, I'm thinking I just need my friends, and some good cuddling occasionally.

Ugh 11:44 AM

Things have been getting better. I think...

I had an interview for my dream job today. It's exactly what I used to do at my old job. Minus the photography. It went really well, and I knew exactly what I was doing. So I'm really, really, really hoping I get it. It's excellent money and really laid back. She seemed almost embarrassed about the pay they were offering. I was like, WHAT?? That's fine...fine! I will hopefully find out on Monday. I can't wait!

So, in other news. I am going on a date tonight, with the dude I met at E11. I spoke to him on the phone for a bit yesterday. And he seems very sweet. He is quite the talker. But that's good, cause I like listening.

The thing though. I hinted in my last post about some concerns. He is quite a bit older than me. He doesn't look it, and he certainly didn't act it. So, I'm kind of unsure if this should be an issue. When I mention it to my friends, jaws drop. I guess I shouldn't care quite yet. We haven't even been out, and I keep thinking of things that could possibly go wrong. *must suppress pessimistic urges*

The anxiousness has not subsided. It is driving me crazy. I have a constant pain in my chest and stomach. And I just feel nervous all the time. I am hoping that it goes away soon, because I absolutely do not eat. I have been living off the same bag of chips and salsa for the past 2 weeks. I hate that feeling more than anything, and I'm not sure how to get rid of it. Blerg.

Well... 11:52 PM

I have been quite the whiner since the breakup. I am well aware. And thanks to everyone who has put up with it. I'm kind of letting the emotions flow as they come. And even though it's kind of annoying to go back and read, I am glad I did it. Night time has been particularly difficult. Because it was when I spent time with The DJ. I haven't quite known what to do with myself, especially since I'm kind of a prisoner in my own room.

So, I am going to try to move past all the personal feelings. Although I am sure they will re-surface from time to time.

Right now, I am thinking about how to approach the whole dating thing again.

Am I ready?

*shrugs*

I am going to anyway. I started off after The Ex deciding to be a lot pickier. Which didn't work. So I figured I would let up, and kind of go with the flow. Try not to force things. And that's how I met and started to date The DJ. Which didn't work either.

I get caught up in formulas, and try to balance that with advice I get from friends. Should I be pickier, or should I take more chances? Is there really a middle ground? Everyone keeps telling me to just go about my life, and I will find someone unexpectedly. But I have a hard time believing that's the way it works. And even if I manage to find someone that way, I am starting to be really pessimistic about things lasting. After all the experiences I have had, I am trying with all my might to not be bitter or jaded.

I have the opportunity to go out on a date with someone I met at the Utah burn. And I am pretty damn scared because of certain factors. I won't mention them yet, because I'm not even sure that I will be going out with him. But, as the dating thing progresses, not only do I worry about my own personal issues with experiences in the past. But I am thinking that societal issues might become something I am going to have to confront. And I am just overwhelmed with the idea of even being single again.

I guess we will see.

Love 9:22 PM

'Now I poured my heart out, it evaporated...see?'

I deleted my last post, because it was all just trivial bullshit. Phone calls, texts, Facebook. Day to day things that mean nothing. And I don't need to remember them.

There are better things I could be writing about. More important things.

I keep watching Ben Folds 'Evaporated' over and over. And I just keep crying. I listen to this song after every heartbreak. Maybe it's not the best thing to watch, but I just keep doing it.

I went through and organized all the old pictures, so I didn't have to see them everytime I had to browse for something. And so, I continued to organize. And found an old document that he wrote on Reddit about us falling in love. I saved it, because it was the most amazing thing ever. It's a little too personal to post here. But, it talked about how falling in love feels like the both of us against the world.

And I just completely broke down.

I have no understanding of going from that, to talking about getting blow jobs on Facebook. I understand that people's feeling change. But because of it happening so quickly, I feel like I was lied to.

And so I start to question if unconditional love is even a possibility. I know I spoke about my parents relationship. But is that just tolerating each other, or just comfort? What is it? What makes it so damn important?

Why is it so important to me?

I have told every person that I've ever been with, the only thing I want or need in life, is to have someone love me as much as I love them. That's it.

It seems like the most simple thing on the planet. But everyone's feelings change so rapidly. I can't keep up.

At this moment. After thinking I had found a partner. Someone that I had so much in common with, someone who I got along with so well, I never fought with. Someone who I believed so much that he loved me as equally. And now, nothing.

Right now, I just give up.

Class 11:19 PM

You are a jerk. Right now, you are a jerk.

Ugh!

I would never post the things that you post.

If you ever see this. I can't believe you. It's starting to make things a lot easier though.

Way to be classy.

6/10/10 10:30 PM

I am in the desert at 7 in the morning. I've started drinking already, managing a good buzz. And of course I think about you.

I woke up in a tent with 3 people. All trying to cuddle and possibly do more. And I just don't want anyone to touch me.

As I sit here by myself, drinking vodka. The light trying to peak through the clouds, I wonder what you are doing. You are probably with a girl, I assume. Most likely partying. I keep thinking about texting you. I don't know what I would say.

I would say I miss you.

I'm overcome with sadness. I don't want any of these people. I want you.

I don't know why I'm even writing this like I am speaking to you. You will never see it. I thought about showing it to you when things were good. I thought it might be special. The story of us meeting, and eventually falling in love. I'm glad I didn't. I guess it feels better to think that I'm talking to you. It's been over a week since I've spoken to you, and it feels strange. All of these things that I want to say so badly, but I'm way too caught up in not making things uncomfortable.

It's strange without you. It doesn't feel like real life. Everyday has become a blur.

C'est la vie, right?

Evaporated 9:02 PM

Revelation 11:13 AM

A short one, something I just wanted to write quickly.

As I was speaking to The Ex yesterday. He had asked me if I had talked to The DJ at all. I told him that we spoke briefly on the phone. And we exchanged words on Facebook before I deleted it. But after that, nothing.

He seemed surprised by this. He said that usually within a day or two, I would be begging him to get back together with me. That was how it always when he and I were together.

And today, I suddenly thought, that's true. It is unlike myself to not even attempt to contact him. Especially since I miss him so much. And he seemed to at least want to keep a friendship. When I spoke to him on the phone, he said he wanted to go to lunch sometime. I think after I deleted my facebook, he probably took that as a sign of me not wanting to have anything to do with him.

And honestly, I don't right now. I think the healthiest thing is for us to keep things seperate until the hurt goes away. It has taken everything in me not to text or call. But I know it would just make me feel worse. I don't want to be that ex-girlfriend, the one that ends up at the same places just to 'conveniently' run into each other. And make him uncomfortable.

For the first time, I feel like I'm doing what's best for me in the long run, instead of what will momentarily make feel better. I'm kind of proud of myself. I didn't think I was being strong at all, but maybe there is a tiny bit of strength left in me after all.

Anyway, off for a weekend trip with some friends. It will be nice to get away and be distracted. I am keeping my journal with me, I know there are going to be plenty of reasons to write.

The Ex II 1:09 AM

Ahh, The Ex.

Reminder, he was before The DJ, before The Good Guy. He was my 6 year relationship. Very painful, tumultuous relationship. An even more painful, very long breakup. He and I struggled weekly to get along. He was very jealous, controlling, manipulative. In response to my dishonesty. He has been mentioned on this blog occasionally.

He was a great guy, but a terrible boyfriend.

He has spoken to my dad recently. My dad does upholstery, and he was in need of fixing up barstools. Words were exchanged, about me. My dad mentioned that I was jobless, and struggling. And so The Ex tried to contact me. At first I was extremely reluctant. I was still with The DJ, and I worried that it would make things complicated. And that he still might not be over the whole situation.

But, The DJ dumped me. And The Ex kept trying to get a hold of me. He wanted to know how our cat was doing. And also he wanted some advice on social networking. I still avoided it, because I was in no mood to speak with anyone really. I was, and still am drowning myself in booze.

But, today. I gave in. I called him, and immediately poured my guts out. He insisted that he come over. That it might be good to have a shoulder. And I gave in.

And it was...nice. I always love when enough time has passed, and you can speak like old friends. Talk about what has been going on. Laugh about moments shared. It's always a relief to me to not have to avoid each other. I can actually set aside bad feelings, and just talk like two human beings. He seems to be doing a lot better than when I last spoke to him. Which is an even bigger relief. I always wished him success and happiness. And he is getting there. His oldest is driving and has a boyfriend. He is friends with ex-wifes fiance. And he seems stable. We talked about our dating lives. Which was a little strange. He showed me pictures of the very young, very gorgeous girls he has been dating.

He was somewhat flirtatious, which I mentioned to him. But, sometimes when you see someone for the first time, you kind of fall back into old habits without even realizing. He slapped my butt when I walked past him, and didn't even think about it for the first few seconds. And then I kind of laughed, and asked 'Did you really just do that?'

I forgot what a sweet person he was. It's so easy to get caught up in being bitter. And maybe he has intentions that I'm not ready for. But it was really good to see him.

And so, one more on the list that I can say are still my friends. I'm kind of proud of that.

Hate 11:22 AM

I was feeling better yesterday. I woke feeling miserable.

I have this burning in my chest. I can't stop crying.

I keep imagining him with other girls. I know he has already been with them. One thing I know about him is that he doesn't like to be alone and wrapped up in his own thoughts. He likes distractions. And if he misses one girl, he will simply replace it with another. I hate that I know this.

I hate that I know he will barely miss me. I hate knowing that he will be better off without me.

I hate that he knows enough about me, to know that I am struggling right now. And I hate that the only thing he feels for me is pity. I don't want him to know anything about me anymore.

I can't eat, I keep drinking so I can sleep.

And for him, his life goes on like I never existed.

Me 9:28 PM

So, I have spent an enormous amount of time memorizing what I love about The DJ, and what made him happy. And maybe it's about time to think about myself, and what I love. It might be healthy, yes? *shrugs*

I love spaghetti, and chips and salsa, and McDonalds. I've been told I eat like a 5 year old. But, I don't really care. To add to the immaturity, I love cartoons. Spongebob, Flapjack, Avatar, Foster's. I also love Futurama, Metalocalypse, The Venture Brothers, Fooly Cooly.

I love Tori Amos, Nine Inch Nails, Ben Folds, Beck, Mindless Self Indulgence. I have an obsession with The Smiths, and Joy Division. Morrissey and Ben Folds have helped me survive a lot of breakups. I am extremely picky about music. I haven't followed any new music in a while. I have just followed the people and bands that I love for years.

I have danced since I was 3. And it has been my passion and release as long as I can remember. Going to the club and dancing has been my happiness. Everytime I have issues or frustration, I head to the club and spend a good few hours dancing it off.

I love artwork, and sculptures. And I absolutely love interior design. I have a fascination with making a house, a home. Especially if it involves me being creative, and having a restrictive budget. Someday I hope to be an interior designer. I love retro fashion, and I've been told by my roomie that my sense of fashion is called 'grannie'. I love florals, antique hats and cloches, vintage shoes. Anything that contains any sense of history.

I love making people pretty. I wish I knew how to paint in photoshop, and I've been teaching myself photomanipulation. I also love drawing portraits. Especially retro portraits of old hollywood. I've drawn pictures of Jean Harlow, Lauren Bacall and Ginger Rogers. I don't draw very often, because I am a perfectionist, and I get easily frustrated when I'm not satisfied with the end product. I've never thought that portrait drawing made me an artist. Because it never required any creativity. I call it copying.

I love movies. I keep up with all of the upcoming films. Although I am extremely picky in what I chose to see. I love comedies, foreign and independent films. My favorite movie is Oldboy. Closely followed by SLC Punk and Amelie. I adore Roger Ebert, Patrick Stewart, Richard Dawkins, and Zach Galifianakis. I love the combination of intelligence and humor. Although humor is my weakness. If you can make me laugh, I will love you forever.

I hope that people think I am smart, and clever, and compassionate. But of course, you never really truly know what people think of you. You can only try to be the best person you can, and hope that people see it. I hope you do.

Responsibility 4:56 AM

I just keep writing and writing. I can't stop. My thoughts are swirling with a million things I want to say to everyone.

I am sluggish. I find myself walking slower, even typing slower. I'm kind of losing faith. It isn't just the breakup. It's these entire past 3 months that have been piling it on. Everyone says 'when it rains, it pours'. But it seems a little ridiculous at this point.

And so I have to question it logically. It all could have been prevented. I need to take responsibility for the pitfalls in my life.

I had a great job for 3 years. Something I loved to do. And I probably could have continued there if I had worked harder. But I met The DJ, and his schedule was different than mine. I would stay at his place, and he would keep me up until all hours. He made me happy, and he was always excited to have me around. Again, not placing blame, I just made a choice. And it was obviously the wrong one. I would show up late because I had been up all night. And my performance was terrible because of how tired I was. And so, they let me go. I will say that towards the end, they gave me a review, and told me what to improve on. It seemed they were giving me a second chance. And I was not about to fuck it up. But they fired me two days after the review.

I was going to get decent unemployment. But my work decided to appeal the decision. This was very upsetting to me, because I worked really hard at my job. I was the only one willing to work overtime when it wasn't required. And it seemed like a huge betrayal. So for two months I didn't have any means of income while the appeals process was going through. In the end, it was still decided in my favor, because my employers were being obviously shady. But the damage had been done. I kept up on my rent, because I didn't want my roomie to have to stress. I even lied about not having a job, because The DJ had told me not to bother her with this information. It would just upset her. But my car payments got extremely far behind.

And so, as time passed, the company that financed my car lost patience. I have already paid for the car, but finance charges and late fees brought me up to almost 10,000 dollars more than what I agreed to pay. So, I have decided to drive it until they take it. And so I am constant fear of walking to my car and it not being there anymore. To add to the stress, I have an outstanding ticket I have not been able to clear up. Not to mention outstanding parking tickets from last spring, because I couldn't afford to get my car registered. And so I have a warrant. I could go on about the car issues, but I won't.

Then, I lost my part-time job. Something I was able to do at home. It wasn't any fault of my own at least. He just decided to stop investing time in his business. And I at least got a decent laptop out of it.

Soon after, my roomie found out I didn't have a job. And so she told me that after our lease was up, she would want to find her own place. Completely understandable. I told her that I had two more months of unemployment, so she wouldn't have to hurry to find her own place. But, as said in the previous post, she couldn't handle our differing sleep schedules. I had talked to my parents about moving in with them after The DJ broke up with me. They were very insistent that I leave this entire scene, and start anew. But, I hated the idea of always having to fall back on that. I was clinging to my independence. But, right now. Maybe a fresh start isn't so bad.

I look back at all of this, and it's so easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for myself. But honestly, it could have been avoided. And now, I face some serious, life changing decisions. I am heartbroken, and pretty much devastated right now in terms of how my life is, and how I always expected it to be. But I have an amazing support system.

My parents.

I couldn't be luckier that I have them. And that they still love and support me through all the bad decisions I've made. And even my oldest friends have been coming out of the woodworks to be encouraging. I don't usually believe in luck. But goddamn, I lucked out with them. I hope they feel the same about me. If only I chose my men like I choose my friends. I would be so much happier.

Also, to those of you who have taken the time to read this blog, friends and strangers. Thank you so, so much. When I get caught up in a relationship, I spend all of my time taking care of him, and I become less supportive of my friends than I should be. I appreciate you sticking around and showing me your love more than anything.

Deleted 4:26 AM

After not being strong enough to not look at his posts, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. It hurts too damn much to see that he is hooking up with girls. Even if I delete him, I see his friends posting about things. And so, done with that for a while.

Also, at 4:30 in the morning, my roomie told me she doesn't want to live with me anymore. I fall asleep with shows on, because the noise comforts me. And I guess it was too loud. So, it looks like I will be moving back in with my parents.

I keep telling myself that things can only get better. But it just isn't working out that way. I can't figure out if I should just disappear or not. What would be the best option for me? I need friends, but I'm not brave enough to bother anyone in my worst moments.

I'm not giving up yet.

Damn you Disney 9:03 PM

Trivialities 8:24 PM

"Little things, used to mean so much to Shelly. I used to think they were kind of trivial. . . believe me, nothing is trivial." - The Crow

Some of you that actually know me will probably laugh at my choice of quotes. I was obsessed with that movie growing up. I still have the entire thing memorized to this day. I watched it again recently, after not seeing it for many years. It is extremely cheesy, and there is some bad acting. But I still actually cried watching it. The reason I loved it so much, was because of how much he loved her. He would go through anything to avenge her, because of that unquestionable love. Him remembering every special moment, every movement, every breath. When you lose something, it becomes very romanticised in your head. It becomes kind of a death. At least in my mind.

And so, everywhere I go, I catch myself getting upset over the tiny things that remind me of him. I was at the grocery store, and I kept getting choked up because of soy sauce. I would say to myself 'Oh, he loved putting soy sauce in everything.' 'Shit, he loved chicken wings.' 'Oh man, sandwiches were his favorite.'

The roomie wanted to go to a particular restaurant The DJ and I frequented. Right before he dumped me, we went there 4 days in a row. And I just couldn't. I feel retarded, but I know everyone shares something special with their significant other. Every couple has their 'thing'. Unfortunately, we had a lot of 'things'. And although they seem so trivial, and I feel stupid for dwelling on them. That's what I've always loved about relationships. Those little things you shared together. They mean everything to me.

Soon enough, I won't think about them as much. I won't think about him as much. But, right now I'm on the internet. And even that was our 'thing'. There is just no escape.

Day 6 4:14 PM

I have gone through two half gallons of alcohol. I guess that is pretty damn self-destructive and overly dramatic. Why is this one so hard?

Last night I hung out with one of my oldest friends. The Drummer. I went to a house party, and hung out with a lot of people I didn't know. Except of course, there were a few connections with The DJ. I had quite a few beers, loosened up and had a pretty good time.

I've know The Drummer for about 15 years. He is the younger brother of my first boyfriend. I have kept in touch with the both of them, and I adore them. About a year ago, The Drummer and I had a one night kind of thing. Just kissing, but it was immediately after my long relationship with The Ex. Nothing became of it. He went on tour, and when he came back I saw him occasionally.

So, he invited me last night. And I went, knowing that there were possibilities of at least a distraction. And he slept at my house last night. Nothing physical happened, though I know it could have if I wanted. Just cuddling, which I'm comfortable with for now. But we were supposed to go to breakfast with his friends the next day, and suddenly I just felt sick. I just asked if I could drop him off.

This lingering feeling of loss is making it impossible for me to function. It's still just too soon.

The DJ messaged me today. Asking what I have been up to. And of course, because I am intoxicated I spout off. I don't understand why he even cares. I see his stupid posts on facebook, and I tell him I hate seeing that he is having the time of his life right now. And all he keeps saying is 'I'm sorry.'

Needs 2:49 PM

I know, I have been posting a lot. But I have a lot of time on my hands, and so I have been thinking a lot. I really don't talk much to my friends. I don't like to. I feel like people have enough issues and stresses in their lives to hear about mine. And so I feel guilty rambling about my heartbreak.

My roomie, who happens to be The DJ's best friend, has talked to me a little. She told me that I shouldn't be so self-destructive. I have managed to stay drunk for pretty much the past 4 days straight. It helps my anxiety, and the constant pain in my chest. I told her that I realize I am being dramatic. It's just my way of coping for the moment. With no job, I have no means of distraction. And so numbness is just what I need right now.

And so is this blog.

When my relationships end, I have a tendency to dwell on the things I will be missing out on. All the wonderful moments shared, are no longer. The late night trips for snacks at the grocery store. Sitting on the bed, surfing the internets together. His hands rubbing against my back every so often. Sharing a flask at the movies. Oh, man there were a lot of good things with this one.

But, I forget all the hurt. The heartbreak. The reasons I should probably be glad that is over sooner than later. I see a post on Facebook about how he has had an amazingly fun time these past two days. While I drown myself in rum, and wadded tissues are scattered across my bed. Mascara has been completely useless, and kind of painful. My eyes are swollen.

And I mutter out loud 'I hate you'. Right now, I am remembering how I hated that you wouldn't even look at me when I was leaving. I am angry at how selfish you are. How you knew that I would do anything for you, knowing that you would never love or care about anyone more than you loved yourself. You took advantage of that. And to make me feel like it was my fault that the relationship is ending. You said I didn't try hard enough to find a job, or that I didn't try hard enough to lose weight. You couldn't admit that you just wanted to be single. Or that now it's summer, and you have your own means of transportation, and you don't need me anymore. Not to mention the lies you told me. Conveniently surfacing from your close friends. Maybe that's a harsh accusation. But yours were just as harsh.

I need to hate you right now. I don't want to.

Drunken Postings III 12:48 AM

I went to see my Mom and Dad today. I went to take pictures of my sister's kids as a surprise for her for her birthday. She has 3 beautiful children. Her and her husband got married very young. I think she was 19. Around 20 , I remember her saying that they were trying for kids. I wanted to kill her. I remember when she first told me when she was pregnant. I specifically remember saying 'You're joking, right?'

I look back and feel awful about that reaction. She was my little sis. I thought at the time it was just way too soon. I was so damn protective of her. She is my only sibling. Even though she spent a lot of her adolescence hating me. I adored her. I would do anything for her. My mom always would say how I was so protective of her when growing up. She was a spoiled little shit, but mainly because I would let her have her way, all the time. She hated losing, and so I would let her win. I would want the doll with the blue dress, but if she even mentioned wanting it, I would give it up just so she would be happy. I even remember watching soap operas with her and the babysitter, and we had a game where we would call which boys we would get. Of course, everyone called the hunky Justin, but my sister was insistent that he was hers, and I was stuck with eye-patch Steven. Oh, man I'm rambling. Where was I going with this?

Oh yes. My little sis, she has the life that I never thought I wanted. And for a while, I warmed up to it. The idea of having a little family.

But with The DJ, it was impossible. He didn't like the idea of marriage. He definitely didn't want kids. And because I loved him so much, I convinced myself that I didn't want it either. I still don't know what I want.

But tonight, hanging out with my parents. They have been together for 30 years! They got married at 17 and 18, my mom pregnant with me. I asked my Dad a long time ago if they got married because of me. And he said no. That they were already planning on getting married, I just sped up the process.

And these days, I see so many young people getting divorces, sometimes more than one. With kids. And I wonder, is it even possible to have what my parents, and even my grand-parents had? Is this generation just so distracted and selfish that the possibility of having that 30th anniversary, or even 50th? Does it have to do with religion, or is it generational?

I feel so old-fashioned in wanting that. I'm not the type of person to want to move on to new things constantly. I like stability, I like to know that I have the person I trust and love more than anyone by my side all the time. Is that too much to ask?

I worry for my sister, and I hope more than anything that she's happy. And I hope that her relationship lasts. As liberal as I am, I like the idea of marriage. I feel like it should give people a reason to fight for each other. I like the idea of coming out on the other end loving each other even more. Am I naive in thinking that exists?

Moments 8:58 PM

As I lie here, in my own bed. More times than I have in the past few months. I look at my kitty, sleeping so peacefully.

I get caught up in which way I'm supposed to be laying. I usually sleep on my right side, with my arm raised above my head, and one leg up. I used to move as close as I could to the edge of the bed, so you had plenty of room. You, with your pillow in between the both of us. I used to hate that pillow separating us. But it became the norm, and as everyone knows, eventually the norm becomes comfort.

Before you would fall asleep, you would run your fingers through the back of my hair while you were still looking on the internet. I always waited for this. I was always awake when you did it. And our feet would rub against each others. It was something that I waited for at the end of the night, every night.

Sometimes you would scratch my legs with your toenails, and poke my eye while I was sleeping. I would always get upset, but you knew that I loved the attention. You would always say that someday you are going to miss me annoying you. And I do.

You would speak to me long after I had fallen asleep. Some random video you had seen, or some strange fact you had just found out. And I would ask the next day why you would wake me up for such things. And your response was always 'I was bored.'

It has only been two days, and you were right. Everything you did to annoy me, to get my attention. I miss it. More than anything.

I know this is an extremely personal thing to post. And I'm sure I will regret it. But, for the moment, I need people to know, set aside all the drama, the hearsay. Lies something so simple, and yet so complicated. Something that I wish would disappear, and something that I hope never goes away. Those teeny tiny moments that will be part of me for the rest of my life. I will never let them go.

Never.

I knew this day would come 2:58 PM

Sooner or later, I did.

Things have been hard, I can't find a damn job. I'm going to lose my car. And because of these things, I have been extremely depressed.

And The DJ broke up with me because of that.

He said we are going completely different directions in life. He got a nice job at the strip club. He's making a ton of money. And I'm on the down swing. And he says I make him sad. He said he had been thinking about it for a long time.

And I am sad. But, I had him. And the one thing I was good at was taking care of him. I am sad, because we got along so well. I had so much fun with him. He made me laugh. I had so many plans, I had figured out some awesome things for his birthday. And no more...it's over.

But I will not fret too much. Because I know it's going to change. And things can only get better.

And I know I will find that someone. I know I will.
If you're out there, come find me.

(I have chosen to publish posts from months past. I kept writing as a means to vent.)

Temporary...

I usually blog in my head, all the time. I know exactly how I feel, and I put it so well when I'm reciting it to myself. And then, I start to write. Poof... gone.

Is life just a series of phases? Jobs, homes, people. I have aways latched onto people. I have a lot of friends, in many different circles. But there are very few people that I trust, that are worth the time to track down. And to make sure that we continue this friendship. And sometimes they have to track me down. A few of these close friends are my exes. Because I care so much for them, that I refuse to let them go. Unless we don't have anymore common ground (like the Ex) I must keep them. And they come and go, but I always make sure to know where they are. I have lost some very close friends in the past, and it seemed just as bad as a break-up. I hate losing people. And as long as they will let me, I will forever be part of their lives.

I like the idea of this consistency. This permanence.

As long as I have these people, the ones that I worked so hard to keep in my life. Then the temporary, the changes don't seem so bad. It's been called dependency issues. But I don't think of it as an issue.

The DJ has hinted that he sees everything as temporary. A defense mechanism for how scattered his childhood was. He always tells me that if things don't work out, he knows everything will be okay. It almost sounds in my head that it really isn't if in his mind...but when. He tells me that he knows that nothing lasts forever. He has spoken about wanting to move to Vegas. And how that it isn't that big of a deal to lose his friends, he knows he can find more. But I know his group of friends. This scene where all of these people just use each other because everyone else who is of worth disappears. I know I probably would if I didn't have such an attachment to The DJ. Yes, they are fun to party with, they are up for anything. But I don't trust any of them. Not even to have a meaningful conversation, for fear that it would be used against me. I'm probably being a little harsh, but many of them have proven time and again that they are only concerned with themselves. People who were never forced to grow up.

I guess I am getting off track. This idea, this way of life. It works for him. Who am I to judge? We both grew up very differently, and had exact opposite lives. If this is how he copes, then why should I be upset? Because, he isn't temporary to me. When I choose to be with someone, I put my whole heart into making them happy. And as lame as this sounds, I really do sacrifice a lot of my wants and needs because those are the things that are temporary to me. And I hate the idea of trying so hard to be the best I can, and work for a relationship to be just temporary to him.

I told him that what scares me about his way of life, is that if people are expendable, then there is no point in fighting to keep them around. And he says to me that that's not the way it works for him. He does what he wants, and I can choose to follow him or not.

And so, I can choose to be with him, and know that if things get hard...it's the curb. And as long as I cooperate, I can be a part of the ride...I think for now, it's worth it to enjoy the ride for as long as I can. Because I really do love him.

What he doesn't realize is me choosing to join him, is my way of keeping him in my life. He is already someone that as long as he will let me, I will be part of his life in whatever way I can. It sounds terrible, but I really wouldn't have it any other way.

It's so weird to think all of these things. Everything that I've been posting, all the anxieties and nervousness. I've honestly never been so nervous with anyone else I've dated. Weird, because I've never felt more compatible with anyone as far as personalities. But personalities are very different that what people want for their future.

I've always pretty much know that The DJ was never someone I could spend my life with. Not that I don't want to. It's just not who he is. He will say sweet things when he's drunk. But I just don't think he even considers a future with me. I'm just another phase in his life. Ins

So at this point, things aren't terrible, but they aren't getting better. I confronted him on the whole going out with his friends all the time. And he tells me he thinks he's being conservative. That he thinks going out with them more shouldn't be a problem. Of course, I just swallow it down. There really is no telling him he's wrong, or that it hurts me. He will say and do what he wants, and I either put up with it, or leave. But that just doesn't seem very healthy. I feel like I'm preparing myself for the end.

I wrote this note to myself the other night while drunk. So I could remember that moment.

'April 28 3:54 am - The minute I completely realized that my boyfriend didn't care about impressing me, or making me happy anymore. The sweets things he said, the affection, the attraction...gone. I might as well be one of his friends.'

It really is true. He doesn't pretend to be interested in anything I have to say. He doesn't think I'm funny, he doesn't tell me how cute I look. Affection is completely gone, never any kisses. And definitely no sex. I have absolutely no control over what I want in this relationship. If I bring it up at all, he just brushes it off. Tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. I just have never been good with confrontation. I would rather keep it locked away, until 6 years later I realize that I've been wasting my years on someone who couldn't care less.

I think once I find a job, and hopefully two jobs. Maybe he won't take me for granted. Maybe he will miss me. I hope so.

I spent the night tonight listening to my boyfriend talk about me to to his friend. How I'm unmotivated, how I'm pessimistic. It's one of the most painful things to sit through. I try so hard to be a good person, a caring person. I'm not perfect, I have a ton of flaws. My procrastination is a huge one.

But I didn't know that he felt that strongly about it. It doesn't matter how perfect of a girlfriend I am. The flaws will always be the main focus. Always.

He has flaws, but I focus on the positives. As much as I am a pessimist, I absolutely adore him for all the good things about him. I just get this general feeling that guys try to find reasons to not be happy with me.

That's another thing. Apparently I'm a martyr. I play the victim. Which is possible. But if someone tells me honestly that I'm acting a certain way, I try to make it better. But it seems like it's stretching to pick this one thing about me, and use it like I'm terrible.

I can't even express how awful I feel right now. I can't stop crying. I just want someone to love me in spite of my flaws and weaknesses. I want him to see that I love him more than anything, and that I am trying to show him that.

I guess it's a bad thing to try to show him that he's the center of my world, my happiness. I don't understand how that's a bad thing.

Very strange dreams last night. I didn't really think they were significant, but as I'm thinking about them more, they make perfect sense. I had a dream that The DJ and I went to my parents house. Somehow it ends up that Th Ex is there, and he is the next door neighbor. So I see that his place is still in shambles, just how I left it. I guess he is going on a vacation with my parents, and his kids are there. I'm trying to hide from him, but he sees us. He walks up to me and says that he wants me to leave. That he doesn't get to see his kids very often and I'm ruining it for him. I agree to leave, but The DJ gets pissed. They start fighting, but as they are fighting The DJ turns into The Ex. So it's two Of The Exes fighting. I'm trying to stop them, but at this point suddenly I can't move from where I'm at. I start gripping the grass trying to pull myself towards them, but it's just not working. At this point I wake up. And in a completely terrible mood.

I just kind of let it go, chalk it up to another weird dream. But, I took The DJ to work, and as we pull up there are these strippers smoking outside. And he says bye, and no kiss. He always kisses me goodbye. But I can see in his eyes. He doesn't want them to know I'm his girlfriend, or he doesn't want them to know he has one. It killed me. And then the dream makes perfect sense. From wanting to hang out with me less, not wanting me to go inside the strip club, we don't kiss anymore, no sex for 2 weeks. Even the goddamn nu-metal he's been listening to. My dream shows my fears of this relationship turning into the miserable one I got out of. I'm afraid he's turning into The Ex. The anxiousness, the self esteem issues because of his new job. It's definitely not as bad, but I can't help but worry.

I hate that my last relationship has turned me into such a pessimistic, worrier. I used to be so carefree. And now I expect the worst all the time, because that's just the way it was for 6 years. The worst.

So this is going to be our issue. I've written about it before, and I'm sure I will continue to write about it. The boys nights are becoming more frequent. And so I think it is time to start backing off and staying home more. I need to get a job and be less available and see how things go. I'm done being the girlfriend who goes out of her way to take care of him, just for him to go out without me all the time. I know he isn't doing it on purpose, he's not trying to hurt me. But I am hurt. Eww, I'm such a clingy girlfriend, I'm super dependent. I need to stop. Maybe he might start missing me, and appreciating me again.

This is all sounding extremely selfish. He takes care of me in other ways. It's just me getting used to coming to this point in a relationship. It always happens. Comfort and routine have set in. And I just need to shake things up a bit.

On a positive note, one little thing he did say was extremely nice. We had an adventurous day. That involved buying pot and a pipe. I tried it again for the first time in 8 years. The first time I hated, and it still really isn't anything special. But as we were walking to my car, he starts saying that this will be a story to remember. My adventure trying pot with my then boyfriend. I kind of stop, saying 'Then boyfriend?' And he says, well who knows, I could be your husband. *le sigh*

The only reason I get so upset is because I love him so much. I love being with him more than anyone else. And sometimes I just hate that he doesn't feel the same. He isn't really doing anything wrong.

I ran home as fast as I could. I couldn't stop crying. How quickly someone doesn't need or want you around anymore. Maybe I"m still drunk. Drowning myself in alcohol, trying to pretend that I'm not hurt. It's 6:30 am, and I just can't stop crying, I can't. I try so hard to not be over emotional, so I drowned myself in alcohol, and acted as cool as I could. I know how guys are. The minute you become over-emotional, it becomes too real. Especially with the DJ. I'm so scared of freaking him out, and him leaving me again. So I woke still feeling resentment. And I left as quickly as I could.

I spend the entire winter trying to make sure that he was taken care of, that he had a ride to work. I don't have a ton of money, but I will go to the ends of earth so he is happy and comfortable. He knows that, everyone does. He is starting to make money at his new job. And I'm already starting to get a taste of what the summer will be like. He told me that he won't be around as much. But he reassured me that he will make sure to let me know what is going on. I'm so scared, that it's just going to be the same as when he first strayed. I am so secure in my being able to be the best girlfriend I can. But this happens every time. I make it too goddamn easy. I don't put up a fight, and 9 times out of 10, guys start to realize I won't make a stink. I just take it.

So he acted so excited that he had a Monday off. We were to go to the free movie, since we haven't been able to in ages. And I show up at his house to hang out with him and his friends. And he slaps my thigh saying how excited he is he has the following night out. That it's customer appreciation night at his new work. And I ask, well do you want me to come? And he says, no, I think it will be a boys night.

So not only in front of his friends does he make me look like an idiot, but he skips out on our plans together. He says he will make it up to me by taking me out to a movie earlier that day. But I feel awful. I just feel awful.

It's the same shit over and over again. And I try so hard not to show that it affects me. I want so much to not be typical. But I'm so scared. I'm so fucking scared. I don't want to be taken advantage of anymore. I just can't. I don't get how he has these friends that will take advantage of anyone, on a regular basis. And the one person that truly cares about him, he can so easily hurt. He knows it, he sees it. And he doesn't care.

Another boys night. Dammit, why do I only feel like writing when I feel awful? Maybe because I always feel better when I'm with him. And I can't really write things in front of him.

Things have been wonderful. Obviously the sweet text messages went away. Which I think is what is upsetting me right now. Usually if he goes out without me, I will get a text message saying that he missed me, and he would love to see me. It's 4 am, and nothing. I don't know if he's home. He could possibly still be out, maybe at a party. Or maybe everyone is partying at his house. At this point, my thoughts are swirling. I was okay earlier, but the later it gets, the worse I feel.

He keeps saying how he hasn't been out in a week, and how excited he is to go out. But we went out on Tuesday, and it was so much fun. Dinner at Legends, frozen yogurt and we saw How to Train Your Dragon. Wednesday we went to the free movie at Brewvies, American Psycho. But when he says he hasn't been out all week, it makes me feel like my nights with him don't count. I know that's super girlie and irrational. But I just can't help it. And then he plans this epic night, and of course I'm not included. I'm okay with boys night, he's done it at least once a week. But for some reason I feel like tonight wasn't boys night, it was 'No Me Night.' I just wish that I wasn't to that point again. Where he is excited to be able to go out without me.

I wish sometimes he would miss me, he would worry about me. Show some sign of emotion. He used to tell me everything he felt, at least when he was drunk. And occasionally he will say something beautiful. But I always wonder if ever feels this anxiety when he's without me. I just don't think he does.

I have 3 blogs, and it seems that certain things are too personal to admit to anyone, even strangers. I am writing in my journal, but it's comforting to know someone is reading. I don't know why. 3 months I have been with him. And things were beautiful in the beginning. I felt like we were meant for each other. Honestly, I still feel that way. But after we stopped drinking, it's been completely different. Something I feared from the minute the decision was made. There is no affection, no sexual attraction on his end. I guess this is what happens in relationships. But really? So soon? I am so terrible at letting moments go. I want them to last forever. And I'm a realist, and I've turned out to be a pessimist. But I get so sad when the new part of a relationship fades. When you've been around each other so much, and then he gets excited to go out without me.
I cry.
And I try so hard not to let it get to me. Because you can only handle so much of someone. But I miss that point when you feel like you can't live without each other. It's the only true and pure romance I've ever experienced. When you lie in bed together. Face to face. Closer than any normal person would ever be comfortable with. And you tell your story. And you have an amazing story to tell.
To anyone else, it would be the same, mundane story. But to that new person, they want to know everything about you. And I truly want to know every detail about him. It's such an incredible feeling. In everday life, people are just waiting for their turn to talk. But he not only listens with interest about your story, all your mistakes and accomplishments. But he watches your lips, the way they move. And I watch his eyes, and his lips. And I memorize it. I play it over and over in my head.
My pessimism takes over, and it tells me 'This won't last. Remember every detail, every moment, every whisper. Cause it will be gone before you expect it. Before you can blink, it will be a fading memory. Routine will set in. And you won't be surprised by each other at all.'
I hate this point. The point between that new experience and routine. I get so sad.
I mourn it.
It's not all bad. I still adore him, and I would do anything for him. I honestly hope we grow old together. We are so compatible, more so than anyone I've been with. But I miss that affection.

Update:

It's gone

The End? 10:04 PM

I guess the title might be confusing.

It has been an interesting couple of weeks, and a CRAZY couple of months. The last post I was completely unsure of The DJ. And right now, I am sure. As sure as I can be.

As time went by, I remained patient and understanding. I did everything the way I knew how, as close to my nature as I could be. And for once it seemed to work for someone.

For him.

He seemed unsure for a while as well.

But Christmas time came around, and he confessed his love for me everyday. And he asked me, again, to be his girlfriend on Christmas Eve. I asked him if he was sure this time. And he seemed sure.

Since then we have been inseparable. It's night and day. Where before he only wanted me around when he didn't have anything better to do, he is staying in with me instead of going out. Watching movies, and playing on the internet in bed together. Just laughing all day. I actually had someone to spend the New Year with. And it was the best one I have had in...I can't remember how long. Maybe ever.

And this is the beginning again. It's the best part. I know that with time, things will become routine, and we won't want each other around as much. So I'm just enjoying it as much as I can.

So...the blog. I've given it a lot of thought. Do I still continue writing? Adventures in a new relationship?

Naw...

For some reason the good parts are sacred to me. And I want to share them with him, and not with everyone else. Maybe I've already shared too much, I don't know. But I'm happy right now.

And I am in love. Cute, sweet, vulnerable love...

I'm even thinking about showing this blog to him. I'm pretty nervous about it. I hope that he would appreciate it, even though there is a lot of whining.

Maybe I can start this up again if things ever change.



But goddamn, I hope they don't.