Day 6

I have gone through two half gallons of alcohol. I guess that is pretty damn self-destructive and overly dramatic. Why is this one so hard?

Last night I hung out with one of my oldest friends. The Drummer. I went to a house party, and hung out with a lot of people I didn't know. Except of course, there were a few connections with The DJ. I had quite a few beers, loosened up and had a pretty good time.

I've know The Drummer for about 15 years. He is the younger brother of my first boyfriend. I have kept in touch with the both of them, and I adore them. About a year ago, The Drummer and I had a one night kind of thing. Just kissing, but it was immediately after my long relationship with The Ex. Nothing became of it. He went on tour, and when he came back I saw him occasionally.

So, he invited me last night. And I went, knowing that there were possibilities of at least a distraction. And he slept at my house last night. Nothing physical happened, though I know it could have if I wanted. Just cuddling, which I'm comfortable with for now. But we were supposed to go to breakfast with his friends the next day, and suddenly I just felt sick. I just asked if I could drop him off.

This lingering feeling of loss is making it impossible for me to function. It's still just too soon.

The DJ messaged me today. Asking what I have been up to. And of course, because I am intoxicated I spout off. I don't understand why he even cares. I see his stupid posts on facebook, and I tell him I hate seeing that he is having the time of his life right now. And all he keeps saying is 'I'm sorry.'