Consequences

This week has been completely insane and overwhelming.

I keep trying to figure out what I should be doing in this situation. I have tried to avoid conflict. I've tried to not be irrational. I've honestly tried to be the best ex-girlfriend I can be and I've made it extremely easy.

Why do I do this?

His gas has been off for a week, and so I let him come over and shower everyday. He is in and out, like that. He will tell me he loves me when he leaves, and kisses me goodbye. And he's off on his adventures. His life without me. Since I've been letting him do this, he hasn't asked me to hang out. I figure he gets his tiny fix of me, and so he doesn't have to stress about his feelings of guilt or worry. And I let him do this.

I want him to suffer. I really do. Is that bad? I feel like it's awful to feel this way, and so I let him get away with everything.

But tonight, I kind of lost it. I told him I felt used. I told him that he dumped me and I still feel like I'm taking care of him. And of course he took offense. He doesn't need anyone to take care of him.

Bullshit.

Even though he makes a fuck ton of money now, and has his own means of transportation. He still needs people to do shit for him, cause he doesn't plan anything in advance. Before, I was the one running back and forth to his work to bring him rolaids, or I would quickly go get beer or booze before the liquor store closed. I would go to the asian market and get him kimchi. And after he broke up with me, before I deleted my facebook, I saw that he was asking on his wall if anyone would go get him beer. He needs people, out of laziness. And he doesn't want to admit it.

So, I am weak. And I can't help but want to take care of him. But, I have asked my Dad to help me get the rest of my things out of my apartment tomorrow, so I won't be able to help him with the shower thing. And I absolutely will not be the girl who comes to his rescue anymore. Even when he calls just out of purely being lonely. He's still using me when it's convenient for him. And I'm not doing this for myself, although I think it will be good for me.

I'm doing it so this kid has to feel the pain. So he has to take some kind of responsibility. So there are some consequences to his actions. I want him to suffer, so he can at least learn something. So he knows what he's losing.

After he added me on Twitter, just so he can see what I'm up to. He started linking his Facebook posts to Twitter. And one thing he wrote made me so goddamn angry.

'I must be coated in Teflon. I can make the worst decisions in the world and I never see a consequence.'

That is about to end.