Temporary...

I usually blog in my head, all the time. I know exactly how I feel, and I put it so well when I'm reciting it to myself. And then, I start to write. Poof... gone.

Is life just a series of phases? Jobs, homes, people. I have aways latched onto people. I have a lot of friends, in many different circles. But there are very few people that I trust, that are worth the time to track down. And to make sure that we continue this friendship. And sometimes they have to track me down. A few of these close friends are my exes. Because I care so much for them, that I refuse to let them go. Unless we don't have anymore common ground (like the Ex) I must keep them. And they come and go, but I always make sure to know where they are. I have lost some very close friends in the past, and it seemed just as bad as a break-up. I hate losing people. And as long as they will let me, I will forever be part of their lives.

I like the idea of this consistency. This permanence.

As long as I have these people, the ones that I worked so hard to keep in my life. Then the temporary, the changes don't seem so bad. It's been called dependency issues. But I don't think of it as an issue.

The DJ has hinted that he sees everything as temporary. A defense mechanism for how scattered his childhood was. He always tells me that if things don't work out, he knows everything will be okay. It almost sounds in my head that it really isn't if in his mind...but when. He tells me that he knows that nothing lasts forever. He has spoken about wanting to move to Vegas. And how that it isn't that big of a deal to lose his friends, he knows he can find more. But I know his group of friends. This scene where all of these people just use each other because everyone else who is of worth disappears. I know I probably would if I didn't have such an attachment to The DJ. Yes, they are fun to party with, they are up for anything. But I don't trust any of them. Not even to have a meaningful conversation, for fear that it would be used against me. I'm probably being a little harsh, but many of them have proven time and again that they are only concerned with themselves. People who were never forced to grow up.

I guess I am getting off track. This idea, this way of life. It works for him. Who am I to judge? We both grew up very differently, and had exact opposite lives. If this is how he copes, then why should I be upset? Because, he isn't temporary to me. When I choose to be with someone, I put my whole heart into making them happy. And as lame as this sounds, I really do sacrifice a lot of my wants and needs because those are the things that are temporary to me. And I hate the idea of trying so hard to be the best I can, and work for a relationship to be just temporary to him.

I told him that what scares me about his way of life, is that if people are expendable, then there is no point in fighting to keep them around. And he says to me that that's not the way it works for him. He does what he wants, and I can choose to follow him or not.

And so, I can choose to be with him, and know that if things get hard...it's the curb. And as long as I cooperate, I can be a part of the ride...I think for now, it's worth it to enjoy the ride for as long as I can. Because I really do love him.

What he doesn't realize is me choosing to join him, is my way of keeping him in my life. He is already someone that as long as he will let me, I will be part of his life in whatever way I can. It sounds terrible, but I really wouldn't have it any other way.

It's so weird to think all of these things. Everything that I've been posting, all the anxieties and nervousness. I've honestly never been so nervous with anyone else I've dated. Weird, because I've never felt more compatible with anyone as far as personalities. But personalities are very different that what people want for their future.

I've always pretty much know that The DJ was never someone I could spend my life with. Not that I don't want to. It's just not who he is. He will say sweet things when he's drunk. But I just don't think he even considers a future with me. I'm just another phase in his life. Ins