Today was not what I needed. At all. It's kind of brought me back to feeling awful.
After The Ex, I promised myself that I would do things differently. That I would be honest, I would try to be a better person. More understanding, more compassionate. Try to focus on my strengths. I promised myself that I wouldn't let my petty emotions ruin something good. The only time I would bring up any issues is if was important...significant.
And I honestly thought I had done better. Although I struggle with some things. I felt like a lot more of a balanced person.
But every time I hang out with The DJ, I feel like a bad person. I know it's not what he means. But he keeps ramming it down my throat how pessimistic I am. I feel bad for myself all the time, I don't take responsibility for my actions. And the one thing he said, that just keeps echoing in my head.
I'm needy.
That one kind of hurt. I know I'm co-dependent, but only because I loved being around him so much. And so, I sit here thinking that I spent so much time trying to focus and show my strengths to compensate for the things I struggle with. And it always comes down to those flaws in the end. Even after he broke up with me, I bit my tongue. I saw no point in making him feel bad. I don't like doing that.
I think he truly thinks he's doing me a favor. Bringing it to my attention. But there are just some things I can't change about myself. I try, I really do. But I just think there are some core things in people's personalities that you just can't escape. Maybe that's just me making excuses for myself. Maybe all of this is true. Maybe this blog is just one giant way to feel sorry for myself. I don't know.
I do know that I absolutely do not trust any of that group, or my roomie with my feelings anymore. They all take these situations and use them as entertainment. Gossip. The more I get to know these people, the more I am so happy I have the friends and family I have. They have been nothing but kind, and not once did they ever take this opportunity to put me down.
A year ago I had really come to terms with who I was. And I was kind of proud of that. I was almost happy with myself. But now, the confusion is just swirling. Just another flaw, allowing people to affect how I see myself.
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Being Single in the SLC
2 comments:
Hon, make an assessment of those things people might consider to be needy.
Is it because you don't feel comfortable with just being alone?
Maybe it's time for a little soul searching.
Just remember you have friends.
I think you're definitely right. I do hate being alone. But I spent an entire year doing soul searching, and being alone. I didn't date anyone. I focused on my own jewelry business, and focused on myself. But that longing to be with someone never went away. It never does. And I'm not exactly sure how to get rid of that feeling. It's frustrating.
I do appreciate my friends though. They have been amazing. And to you, thanks so much for being supportive, and encouraging.
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