Starting Over

So, after reading my lovely friend's new blog, it has been decided I am a terrible writer. Add to it the constant whiny tone. I can't imagine that the few of you who come to my blog, would decide to come back.

And so, I will try to be more thoughtful, and insightful. And I will try not to use that same damn words all the time.

I was doing a little better lately. Until, I found out I didn't get my dream job. I was told that there were a lot of people more qualified. And then, as I immediately got back to looking for jobs, I saw the same position re-listed on Craigslist that day. It was a little devastating, if I can be dramatic for a moment. And all I can think is that my old job is screwing me over. I can't think of any other reason. And so, I think I am going to try to re-work my resume, and do my best to not include them. Or at least make it impossible to get in contact with them. It seems dishonest, but I've been out of work for almost 5 months. And I don't like that they are making it impossible to gain any sort of employment. Again I am making assumptions. But I have no other insight on the situation.

Okay, so that's the boring information. I have hung out with The DJ again since the first encounter. And it went pretty much the same way. A lot of conversation about our relationship. About me as a girlfriend. A lot of tears. On both ends. He told me that I was perfect, that I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had. I really don't want to get into my thought process at the moment. Because I have mentioned what kind of person he is. And even though he might been lucky enough to come across the love of his life, that's not important to him. Life to him is about spontaneity, and having fun. Living momentarily. But, I know he will regret it. Anyway, there was a lot of back and forth. I told him that I would never get back together with him, I just could never trust that he wouldn't do the same thing. Later, I told him that I was just trying to memorize all of these little moments because they will go away soon. To which he responded, I'm not the one who said I would never get back together with you. I looked at him confused, and said, it's not like you would get back together with me. And he pauses, and looks at me seriously. 'Just get your shit together.'

This is trouble. I took that as it was conditional, that if I 'get my shit together' he will want to get back with me. And everything in me screams to run. But, there is that little part that says, I would love to spend my life with him. I always imagined saving for a while, and traveling the world together.

I will get my shit together. But not for him. As sad as I am, I keep getting little glimpses of what it will feel like to start over. It has been overwhelming, and daunting getting started. But it's a little exciting. It's going to be a new life. And if I try as hard as I can to do whatever it takes, I know in a year or so, my life will be great. I think about after I get out of this place, and I get rid of my car. I can just work and save. And soon after that, I can be out of debt. And possibly get a little place of my own downtown. And decorate it like I have always dreamed. And it will be me and my cat. And possibly someone else who is lovely. And who loves me.