Responsibility

I just keep writing and writing. I can't stop. My thoughts are swirling with a million things I want to say to everyone.

I am sluggish. I find myself walking slower, even typing slower. I'm kind of losing faith. It isn't just the breakup. It's these entire past 3 months that have been piling it on. Everyone says 'when it rains, it pours'. But it seems a little ridiculous at this point.

And so I have to question it logically. It all could have been prevented. I need to take responsibility for the pitfalls in my life.

I had a great job for 3 years. Something I loved to do. And I probably could have continued there if I had worked harder. But I met The DJ, and his schedule was different than mine. I would stay at his place, and he would keep me up until all hours. He made me happy, and he was always excited to have me around. Again, not placing blame, I just made a choice. And it was obviously the wrong one. I would show up late because I had been up all night. And my performance was terrible because of how tired I was. And so, they let me go. I will say that towards the end, they gave me a review, and told me what to improve on. It seemed they were giving me a second chance. And I was not about to fuck it up. But they fired me two days after the review.

I was going to get decent unemployment. But my work decided to appeal the decision. This was very upsetting to me, because I worked really hard at my job. I was the only one willing to work overtime when it wasn't required. And it seemed like a huge betrayal. So for two months I didn't have any means of income while the appeals process was going through. In the end, it was still decided in my favor, because my employers were being obviously shady. But the damage had been done. I kept up on my rent, because I didn't want my roomie to have to stress. I even lied about not having a job, because The DJ had told me not to bother her with this information. It would just upset her. But my car payments got extremely far behind.

And so, as time passed, the company that financed my car lost patience. I have already paid for the car, but finance charges and late fees brought me up to almost 10,000 dollars more than what I agreed to pay. So, I have decided to drive it until they take it. And so I am constant fear of walking to my car and it not being there anymore. To add to the stress, I have an outstanding ticket I have not been able to clear up. Not to mention outstanding parking tickets from last spring, because I couldn't afford to get my car registered. And so I have a warrant. I could go on about the car issues, but I won't.

Then, I lost my part-time job. Something I was able to do at home. It wasn't any fault of my own at least. He just decided to stop investing time in his business. And I at least got a decent laptop out of it.

Soon after, my roomie found out I didn't have a job. And so she told me that after our lease was up, she would want to find her own place. Completely understandable. I told her that I had two more months of unemployment, so she wouldn't have to hurry to find her own place. But, as said in the previous post, she couldn't handle our differing sleep schedules. I had talked to my parents about moving in with them after The DJ broke up with me. They were very insistent that I leave this entire scene, and start anew. But, I hated the idea of always having to fall back on that. I was clinging to my independence. But, right now. Maybe a fresh start isn't so bad.

I look back at all of this, and it's so easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for myself. But honestly, it could have been avoided. And now, I face some serious, life changing decisions. I am heartbroken, and pretty much devastated right now in terms of how my life is, and how I always expected it to be. But I have an amazing support system.

My parents.

I couldn't be luckier that I have them. And that they still love and support me through all the bad decisions I've made. And even my oldest friends have been coming out of the woodworks to be encouraging. I don't usually believe in luck. But goddamn, I lucked out with them. I hope they feel the same about me. If only I chose my men like I choose my friends. I would be so much happier.

Also, to those of you who have taken the time to read this blog, friends and strangers. Thank you so, so much. When I get caught up in a relationship, I spend all of my time taking care of him, and I become less supportive of my friends than I should be. I appreciate you sticking around and showing me your love more than anything.