Needs

I know, I have been posting a lot. But I have a lot of time on my hands, and so I have been thinking a lot. I really don't talk much to my friends. I don't like to. I feel like people have enough issues and stresses in their lives to hear about mine. And so I feel guilty rambling about my heartbreak.

My roomie, who happens to be The DJ's best friend, has talked to me a little. She told me that I shouldn't be so self-destructive. I have managed to stay drunk for pretty much the past 4 days straight. It helps my anxiety, and the constant pain in my chest. I told her that I realize I am being dramatic. It's just my way of coping for the moment. With no job, I have no means of distraction. And so numbness is just what I need right now.

And so is this blog.

When my relationships end, I have a tendency to dwell on the things I will be missing out on. All the wonderful moments shared, are no longer. The late night trips for snacks at the grocery store. Sitting on the bed, surfing the internets together. His hands rubbing against my back every so often. Sharing a flask at the movies. Oh, man there were a lot of good things with this one.

But, I forget all the hurt. The heartbreak. The reasons I should probably be glad that is over sooner than later. I see a post on Facebook about how he has had an amazingly fun time these past two days. While I drown myself in rum, and wadded tissues are scattered across my bed. Mascara has been completely useless, and kind of painful. My eyes are swollen.

And I mutter out loud 'I hate you'. Right now, I am remembering how I hated that you wouldn't even look at me when I was leaving. I am angry at how selfish you are. How you knew that I would do anything for you, knowing that you would never love or care about anyone more than you loved yourself. You took advantage of that. And to make me feel like it was my fault that the relationship is ending. You said I didn't try hard enough to find a job, or that I didn't try hard enough to lose weight. You couldn't admit that you just wanted to be single. Or that now it's summer, and you have your own means of transportation, and you don't need me anymore. Not to mention the lies you told me. Conveniently surfacing from your close friends. Maybe that's a harsh accusation. But yours were just as harsh.

I need to hate you right now. I don't want to.