Panic

I am getting extremely mad at myself right now. I have to keep talking myself down. And I shouldn’t have to do this for such a tiny thing. I am writing about this here, because it’s such a tiny problem, I would feel completely retarded to bring it up to him.
Things have been completely wonderful, as I wrote in the last post. We talk to each other every day, he tells me he misses me all the time. And then he has the night off, and I knew he was going to go out. I know better than to ask what he is doing and who with, because I honestly don’t want to know. Ignorance has suited me lately. But usually, even when he goes out, he will shoot me a text. Or he will call me just to hear the sound of my voice. And last night…nothing. And I go into a small panic mode.

I guess a little background is due. The DJ and I started slowly seeing each other again after the second break-up. Very slowly. I started to trust his feelings for me again. Even though neither of us really mentioned getting back together. He would always talk about how eventually he knew we would end up together. But it was a distant future type of thing. We were dating, but not officially together. I would occasionally ask him if he was seeing someone else, and the reply was always no.

But, I started sensing something was up. He stopped texting late at night, telling me he loved me or missed me. And at that point I was trying to play it off like I didn’t care. But of course it drove me nutty. Sometime had passed, and I still was uneasy. There was a girls choice dance that was coming up, and he had hinted that he wanted me to ask him. I was extremely excited, because it made me feel like I was being paranoid for no reason. I went to his place to decorate and ask him to the dance. And there was his phone, sitting on his desk.

Yeah.

Needless to say, I looked through it. And I found exactly what I was afraid of. I won’t go into details, but he was seeing someone, and he wasn’t being honest about it. I told him that we were done. To which he first got angry, then got sad and regretful. Dammit, I am trying very hard not to go into storyteller mode, and I am not doing a good job. I wanted this to be a very short re-telling so I can make my original point.

I went back and forth on if I could date him knowing he was seeing someone else. And ultimately decided I would try. To which he eventually stopped seeing her. Which brought us to the point we are at. Which brings me to why I get so damn paranoid when he doesn’t text me when he goes out. WHEW!

I don’t want to feel like this. I know it has been such a huge problem with me. I know that unless I get over it, I will end up right back where I don’t want to be. Where I become so overwhelming, that end up scaring him away again. But where is the line? Where I end up sacrificing my own happiness just to walk the tightrope for him? He still betrayed my trust, and that feeling lingers a little. Even though I know if I choose to continue to see him, I have to let go of the trust issues. We still aren’t officially together, so he has every right to do whatever he wants without having to answer to me. But I don’t think I am asking him to answer to me. It goes back to knowing that his heart is with me when I’m not around. And when he gives just that little bit, I feel so much better. And when he doesn’t, I feel like it’s impending doom.