Circles

I have had a hard time convincing myself to write anything. After a while, it seems like I am writing the same thing over and over. Feeling the same things. In the exact same order. A broken record.

When I started this blog, I decided to invite a few of my close friends and family to follow along. Their advice and insight was important to me. But what I didn't foresee was that it might affect how they saw me. Since they knew the people I was talking about, and they saw the heartbreak and anxiety I was going through, it became a means to not like the person that was putting me through it. And so as things changed yet again, and The DJ and I started seeing each other, some people were not particularly happy with that decision. I didn't realize that me being open about my feelings through this whole process, even outside of the blog, people would have such a negative reaction to The DJ personally.

Since I am living at home, my parents have seen how much I struggled after he dumped me. And I told them almost everything. Mistake.

Now, my dad has even told me that he is not welcome in his house. I couldn't even believe that he felt so strongly. My relationship with The Ex was extremely volatile, and it affected me more negatively than anything I'd ever been through. I was emotionally abused and manipulated on a constant basis. He made me feel terrible about who I was, I gained insane amounts of weight out of depression. I stopped communicating with friends because his jealousy was out of control. 6 years of my life, and I was completely miserable. My parents knew it. But not once did they ever say he wasn't welcome in their house. And then The DJ, yes he broke my heart twice. Yes it was painful. But only because he was choosing not to be with me. Not because he made me miserable, or manipulated me. Just the terrible feeling of loss and loneliness.

And I think it's because I have been too damn open about every little feeling I have. I feel awful, and it hangs over my head. The DJ and I have fallen in love...again. And we both know that we can't escape each other. That sense that we have found something we won't come across again. We are not trying to rush into anything serious, and by no means has it been an easy 4 months. But he has told me that he knows we will end up together, and he knows he wants to marry me. And in knowing that, it has created this barrier between my family and I. I feel like I can't be honest when I go to hang out with him. Because when I say I am, I get lectured. They tell me not to get back together with him, that they don't like him. It breaks my heart that I made them see him in this light. I never meant to make him seem awful, because honestly he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in god knows how long, I feel like myself again. I am still working through self esteem issues from The Ex. But The DJ loves everything about me.

I have a lot of issues to work on myself, before I can be in a lasting relationship with him. Our schedules don't permit us to see a lot of each other. And I struggle with that. I won't get to see him until next Saturday, and the anxiety builds until then. I have thought about seeing a therapist, because I don't think it's very natural to be this anxious with even the thought of being without him. I guess that is all dependent on my financial situation if I am able to do it. But until then, an insane amount of distraction is all I can do.

As for this blog and my readers. I have thought about possibly doing a new blog, and making it strictly anonymous. Not allowing people that I personally know to see this. But I have put my heart and soul into this one. I think that I am just going to say this. To those of you that know me. Please don't judge. I understand that you love me, and you only want what's best for me. But I know that every single one of you, be it short relationships or long marriages, you have had your struggles. You have had partners who have made huge mistakes, and I'm sure you have also made your own mistakes. But if you truly love someone, you work through them. And this is what we are doing. If I vent, it's because it's my way of working through the small things so it doesn't become big. It's not because he isn't amazing, or that I don't love him with all my heart. And I absolutely do.

I never stopped.