I have 3 blogs, and it seems that certain things are too personal to admit to anyone, even strangers. I am writing in my journal, but it's comforting to know someone is reading. I don't know why. 3 months I have been with him. And things were beautiful in the beginning. I felt like we were meant for each other. Honestly, I still feel that way. But after we stopped drinking, it's been completely different. Something I feared from the minute the decision was made. There is no affection, no sexual attraction on his end. I guess this is what happens in relationships. But really? So soon? I am so terrible at letting moments go. I want them to last forever. And I'm a realist, and I've turned out to be a pessimist. But I get so sad when the new part of a relationship fades. When you've been around each other so much, and then he gets excited to go out without me.
I cry.
And I try so hard not to let it get to me. Because you can only handle so much of someone. But I miss that point when you feel like you can't live without each other. It's the only true and pure romance I've ever experienced. When you lie in bed together. Face to face. Closer than any normal person would ever be comfortable with. And you tell your story. And you have an amazing story to tell.
To anyone else, it would be the same, mundane story. But to that new person, they want to know everything about you. And I truly want to know every detail about him. It's such an incredible feeling. In everday life, people are just waiting for their turn to talk. But he not only listens with interest about your story, all your mistakes and accomplishments. But he watches your lips, the way they move. And I watch his eyes, and his lips. And I memorize it. I play it over and over in my head.
My pessimism takes over, and it tells me 'This won't last. Remember every detail, every moment, every whisper. Cause it will be gone before you expect it. Before you can blink, it will be a fading memory. Routine will set in. And you won't be surprised by each other at all.'
I hate this point. The point between that new experience and routine. I get so sad.
I mourn it.
It's not all bad. I still adore him, and I would do anything for him. I honestly hope we grow old together. We are so compatible, more so than anyone I've been with. But I miss that affection.

Update:

It's gone