Calm 6:09 AM

Maybe it's just the calm before the storm. But I was going through a bunch of old messages, and little quotes. I try so goddamn hard to document things that are special to me. And I just smiled. I kind of feel like I'm going to be okay. I keep telling myself that it's over, because that's what everyone tells is the best thing for me. I just kind of don't believe it. That might upset some of you. I know it does. And I don't know what to say except I take comfort in thinking he will still be part of my life. He's my best friend. Maybe he has already moved on, and i'm sure i will still bitch and moan that things aren't going my way. But just momentarily, I need this calm.

Fuck. 11:50 PM

This weekend has been a disaster, and I am at my breaking point. I am trying to pick up the pieces and hold my head high. But I miss him so much. He just picked up and left on a vacation that we were supposed to take together. Leaving a tornado of drama, without so much as a word. I am at the club, after spending days in bed. On pain meds and drinking. It's all been a blur. But boys keep hitting on me, and my skin crawls. I don't want anyone else to touch me again. And I am sitting in the bathroom listening to idiotic girls complain about their husband and boyfriends. How is it that these awful girls have managed to pair off, and no matter how hard I try to be an amazing girlfriend I can't keep a guy. And no matter how many times i'm told that it isn't me, I don't believe it.

I deleted my Facebook again, because I know when he gets home, there will be tons of posts and pictures. Of him having a blast. I remember last summer enough to try to avoid the hurt I am going to feel when I see it. It seems over dramatic, but i'm devastated. And it's only going to get worse.

Circles and... 2:43 AM

Night 1 of being alone again. I thought I was going to be okay after this break-up. But I'm not. I feel empty and embarrassed. Especially knowing for a fact he is happy that we are over. I continually think that I can be good enough. And I am always wrong.