More Adventurous? 8:26 PM

I read with every broken heart
we should become more adventurous.

I've tried very hard most of my dating life to not be judgemental of people's situations. I never cared about how financially well off people were, or how responsible they were. I have never been an incredibly responsible person, and I've always struggled with keeping things together with jobs and bills. Who was I to look down on other people for what they struggle with?

This time around, my wants in life have changed. About a year ago, that little biological clock snuck up on me, and punched me right in the baby maker. I have started to come around to the idea of wanting a family. I'm scared to death about it still, but I feel like I'm comfortable enough with myself to feel somewhat okay about raising a little life. It took a long time to feel okay with the idea of raising a child being an atheist, especially in Utah. I mean, I wouldn't raise them atheist. I would definitely allow my child to choose whatever they wanted, as long as they were old enough to understand what they wanted. I mean, that I feel more comfortable in my own beliefs to be informative. Anyway, as I have come around to the idea of having a family, my needs in a partner have changed.

So I have been out with The DJ twice, and I know he really likes me. We have an incredible amount in common. He happens to be atheist also, which is awesome. He is cute, and sweet, and just a cool person. And I know I should like him, and things should go well. But...

He spends all day drinking and drinking. And he works occasionally DJing, and he has no car. We haven't been out on actual dates. I go to his house and drink with his friends, then we go to a bar and drink more. Don't get me wrong, I don't think any of this is bad. I was doing the exact same thing 6 years ago, I'm in no postion to judge anyone. See, I even feel terrible writing about this. He's completely happy with his life and his situation. I feel awful for not allowing myself to get attached to him for these reasons. I'm already planning my speech to him, about how he can't give me what I want in my life right now. I know that he would be in no position anytime soon to help me raise a kid. Or take care of me in anyway. Not to mention I'm trying very hard to slow down my drinking before it becomes a problem. I feel shallow for thinking these things.

I told myself that I wouldn't allow myself to get caught up in a list of reasons to not date people based on my past dating experiences. But where do you find that balance? I told myself I wouldn't date anyone going through a divorce, or anyone with kids, and by any means I wouldn't ever date anyone religious. And then the last person I dated was all three things. And I adored him. But I have to allow myself to try to avoid the stresses of trying to convince someone who's completely happy in their life, to give it all up for my needs. You're only asking for resentment. I keep telling myself I'm doing him a favor. But, it sucks, cause I might actually like him a lot. I don't want to give that speech, but I have to.

Onward Ho! 6:04 PM

As I was reading back on my last post, I noticed how short and broken my sentences were. And then I thought how interesting it was that I wrote about the situation in that way. It kind of didn't flow, and it seems to really reflect how I feel about the whole relationship. Funny...

It was good to write about it, to get it off my chest. I feel like it was definitely necessary in order to move past it. I don't feel quite over it, but I'm getting better everyday. I have my moments where I am actually looking forward to the future. And maybe I will have some real dating adventures instead of being afraid of opening myself up. In fact I am chatting with The DJ and possibly going out with him. I've decided to not be so particular about how I get to know people. So I will most likely do the bar hopping thing that I was so upset about earlier. Hehe..

Speaking of not being particular. I happened to see The Kisser at the club. I haven't told you about him. Before The Good Guy, I met The Kisser at the club (surprise). His extremely drunk friend was trying hook us up. He didn't really respond at first, but seeing him later we talked quite a bit. He was quite impressed with me after he found out that my favorite Chuck Pahlaniuk book is Survivor. And we kissed...a lot. He is an incredible kisser, hence the nickname. Anyway, at the end of the night, he and his friends invited me to come back to their place. And I had to work the next morning, so that was a no. He said he would call me. And he didn't. I got a text message the following Thursday at midnight, and at that exact moment, I was on the most incredible date with The Good Guy. So obviously I didn't respond.

So, as I was saying I saw him at the club this last week. And I spent most the night talking with him and his friends. It turns out he's an atheist, which is great. But I kind of get the feeling his only interest in me is sexual. Which I think might become a big problem dating. I did end up going back to his friends house and watched a movie with all of them. And we kissed again...a lot. Too many details? Are you disgusted yet? As I left, I completely expected to not hear from him after that. But he actually texted me the next day. Unfortunately I couldn't respond because my phone is jacked. Just my luck, someone actually shows an ounce of interest, and I can't do anything about it. So he probably think I'm not interested. *sigh*

Okay, off to bar hop. I'm not expecting anything spectacular. But you never know.