The Risk 2:49 PM

My room is a complete disaster because I have not been here at all. It's a whirlwind of coming and going. I haven't spent a single night here for about 2 weeks. I come in, get ready, and leave. I have been spending every moment I can with The DJ.

I wish I stopped and wrote more about the happy moments. And seriously, there have been more than not lately. But I think, for me, misery inspires me. Or maybe I just don't like to be cheesy and write about all the sweet moments. It's really sad, because those are the moments I want to remember most. And I will probably look back on this relationship and only see the bad.

Things have been good. I am still extremely cautious. And only because I keep finding things to re-inforce that cautiousness. I generally am very good at ignoring bad signs, and float along ignorant. But after the last relationship, I have kept my eyes open. I hate that, it goes completely against my nature. But I can't help myself anymore, I don't have time to waste. I don't mean that in the sense of getting old. I just look back on the time I wasted on people who were obviously not right for me, and I chose to ignore it.

So, as he goes to use the bathroom, what would any insecure girl do? Glance at the messages left on his computer. That's what I did. And there are flirtatious messages with girls I wouldn't even expect he would show the slightest interest in. 'Miss you' is something that struck me badly. In order to miss someone, wouldn't you have had to spend some time with them? And we have spent so much time together, when the hell did he have time to fit her in? It just boggles my mind.

This girl comments on every post he makes on facebook. And at first I joked about it. Thinking this was just some innocent crush that she might have on him. But I saw that he was messaging her. And suddenly it wasn't just some stupid girl pining for his attention. He was giving it back. I kind of called him on it. I told him that I know he liked this girl. Of course he denied it. But, just randomly as I was leaving the conversation went like this.

Me: 'I know why you like this girl.'

Him: 'Why?'

Me: 'Because she strokes your ego. She pays attention to every word you say, and you love that.'

Him: 'That is true, I do like attention. I don't want to fuck her if that's what you are saying.'

Me: 'No, I am saying that you like her, and you like the attention she gives you.'

Him: 'Well, it's been a long time since anyone has had a crush on me. And I like that.'

This brings up the awful crush word. I hate crushes, in every sense of the word. They have always been destructive in my life. So, to him it seems like just an innocent thing. But when you are in a relationship, and you are conversing with said crush behind my back, it doesn't seem so innocent to me anymore. Little hearts and miss you messages sent back and forth are just too much. And I think he knows that. So why is it so easy for him to risk something that he claims is special, and risk losing someone that he claims to care about and love? Well, the obvious answer to most anyone in this situation is maybe he doesn't.

What does he have to gain from a crush that I haven't already given him and then some? I pine over every word he says. I go out of my way to do nice things and take care of him. I have so much more to offer, and I've given him even more that that. So what is it about crushes that makes it worth risking everything you say you want?

Drunken Postings II 7:19 PM

This one is going to be a doozy. I am drinking to calm the anxiety. The truth for me is generally awful, and avoid it.

I have this flaw. I trust people before they even have to earn it. Even after they have violate it, it remains in tact. It takes so much energy for me to not trust someone. When my instincts scream at me to run away, I ignore it.

I have come across some things that should make run screaming from The DJ. Things that would be so bad to a normal person. I know I am going to get hurt.

I know it.

And I can't pull myself away. And I don't have the guts to call him on it. Because I don't want to seem like a drama queen. How retarded is that. I would rather suffer than seem like a typical girl. Why do I do this to myself?

Because I truly love him. I really do. I hate admitting that even after everything I've already been through with him. After I told myself that I was not going to go through the same routine. And that is exactly what I am doing. I am going to completely sacrifice my own sanity, my whole self to someone who probably doesn't even appreciate me. Who would dump my ass in a heartbeat if he thought there was any slight chance of being with his ex-girlfriend.

And I won't say a goddamn word.

Remember... 12:47 PM

I have a terrible memory, and this little blog is not only a way to express my joy, frustrations and experiences with dating. But also to document important moments.

I debate on if I should be sharing such personal, and special moments with people. Things become kind of sacred when you like someone. Should I just have my own personal journal in these cases, so I can remember them? Maybe.

I don't know, I secretly hope that when I do find someone to spend my life with. This blog can be my love letter to them. And so in that case, I want them to see and remember every emotion and moment.

Ugh...

I guess I will just say that The DJ said something completely unexpected last night. We were actually having a serious conversation, which is rare for him. We had decided to tell each other what the others' weaknesses were. In a normal relationship this would be bad. But he and I are very good at understanding our flaws, and it takes a lot to upset or offend the other. I won't give the dirty details. This turned to him expressing his love for me. There were a lot of very sweet things said. But, the one that caught me was he said he thinks this is the end of the line for him. It took me a minute to understand what that meant. But, I think it meant a lot for him to say that.

I really still don't know what is going to happen between the two of us. We both still have a lot of things to work through. But I really do love being with him. And that's enough for me right now.

The Right Girl 8:49 PM

I must be pre-menstrual. I put on The Smiths and immediately bust out crying. Sorry fot the details, but I honestly don't care.

How do I start this one out. I had talked previously about how I am somewhat not completely against the idea of getting married and having kids. I'm open about it. Obviously, I don't really mention this to the people I have been going out with. Because it's way too soon. Except The DJ.

Oh.

Have I mentioned I'm kind of seeing The DJ again. I think I said a little about it. He has since confessed his love for me again. He says how I'm the only girl who has pulled him back in against his will. Honestly, I didn't try to, but I think that's what lured him back in. I doubt he's ever actually dated an adult before. And so I'm sure he has had deal with a lot of drama as far as break-ups are concerned. I'm just assuming. And I loathe drama. I really just want to enjoy myself right now.

I don't know what any of this means. I am still keeping my guard up. And I am also dating other people. But I like being with him. I have fun.

Today was not good though. He says on facebook (of course) that he has never wanted to have kids or get married. But, he is starting to get that little biological alarm going off. He has asked me before if I've felt this way. And I tell him how I feel. As I read through the comments though, he says he absolutely doesn't want to do that, it just chemicals.

And I just start bawling. I'm sure it has a lot to do with my chemicals right now. But, a little bit of me is sad.

Why do I care? He is probably the last person that I would choose to have kids with. That sounds harsh, but it's true. So why this reaction?

Every girl wants to think that she is so great, that it would sway a guy to want to marry and have children. I fantasize about this guy who wouldn't think twice about wanting to settle down, until he gets involved with me. And I am so amazing, and wonderful. And all of his fears and reservations go away because he found me. The right girl. Unrealistic, yes I know.

And that's just it. That's why I take it so personally. Even though I know he's not the right guy, I still want to be the right girl. I want to be the one for somebody. Is it an ego thing? I don't know. If it is my ego, it hurts. But, I would say it's more of my stomach and chest that hurts right now.

It really seems like I haven't been the right girl for anyone. At least when it counted.

As The DJ would say 'C'est la Vie'... I've really come to hate this term.