My room is a complete disaster because I have not been here at all. It's a whirlwind of coming and going. I haven't spent a single night here for about 2 weeks. I come in, get ready, and leave. I have been spending every moment I can with The DJ.
I wish I stopped and wrote more about the happy moments. And seriously, there have been more than not lately. But I think, for me, misery inspires me. Or maybe I just don't like to be cheesy and write about all the sweet moments. It's really sad, because those are the moments I want to remember most. And I will probably look back on this relationship and only see the bad.
Things have been good. I am still extremely cautious. And only because I keep finding things to re-inforce that cautiousness. I generally am very good at ignoring bad signs, and float along ignorant. But after the last relationship, I have kept my eyes open. I hate that, it goes completely against my nature. But I can't help myself anymore, I don't have time to waste. I don't mean that in the sense of getting old. I just look back on the time I wasted on people who were obviously not right for me, and I chose to ignore it.
So, as he goes to use the bathroom, what would any insecure girl do? Glance at the messages left on his computer. That's what I did. And there are flirtatious messages with girls I wouldn't even expect he would show the slightest interest in. 'Miss you' is something that struck me badly. In order to miss someone, wouldn't you have had to spend some time with them? And we have spent so much time together, when the hell did he have time to fit her in? It just boggles my mind.
This girl comments on every post he makes on facebook. And at first I joked about it. Thinking this was just some innocent crush that she might have on him. But I saw that he was messaging her. And suddenly it wasn't just some stupid girl pining for his attention. He was giving it back. I kind of called him on it. I told him that I know he liked this girl. Of course he denied it. But, just randomly as I was leaving the conversation went like this.
Me: 'I know why you like this girl.'
Him: 'Why?'
Me: 'Because she strokes your ego. She pays attention to every word you say, and you love that.'
Him: 'That is true, I do like attention. I don't want to fuck her if that's what you are saying.'
Me: 'No, I am saying that you like her, and you like the attention she gives you.'
Him: 'Well, it's been a long time since anyone has had a crush on me. And I like that.'
This brings up the awful crush word. I hate crushes, in every sense of the word. They have always been destructive in my life. So, to him it seems like just an innocent thing. But when you are in a relationship, and you are conversing with said crush behind my back, it doesn't seem so innocent to me anymore. Little hearts and miss you messages sent back and forth are just too much. And I think he knows that. So why is it so easy for him to risk something that he claims is special, and risk losing someone that he claims to care about and love? Well, the obvious answer to most anyone in this situation is maybe he doesn't.
What does he have to gain from a crush that I haven't already given him and then some? I pine over every word he says. I go out of my way to do nice things and take care of him. I have so much more to offer, and I've given him even more that that. So what is it about crushes that makes it worth risking everything you say you want?
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Being Single in the SLC
2 comments:
Having gone through that myself a few times in my life, I can say that this individual is the "grass is always greener" kind of person. I've done the fawning over, overindulgence bit and it always has been with people who are the type to take advantage of it. For me it always involved stress, because there was always the specter of cheating involved. Both women had me completely and loved me in their own way, but always had to keep an eye ready for alternatives, it was just in their nature. Perhaps I am wrong on this with the DJ, but flattery is a strong tool and people like the ones I dated fell for it strongly and used it as a means to question their decision or/and their monogomy.
In and of itself, I don't know if that'd be a huge point of concern if it were me in your shoes (which, of course, it isn't). He did feel the need to hide it from you at first, but it sounds like he was (or at least seemed to be) pretty forthright once you called him on the carpet... Just keep those lines of communication open. :)
I don't know though, I'm using my own frame of reference, And I've always had close friendships with other women when in committed relationships, but they were not romantic friendships. It sounds like there are hints of that here, at least on their end, so what do I know?
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