Questions

I am forciing myself to write. And I really, really don't want to. I want life to be rainbows and kisses. I at least want my relationship to feel like that. And it mostly has. But I just have this little part of me that is telling myself, 'You are in denial.'

The DJ and I are doing stellar. I stay at his house all the time. We are doing the sober thing together. It has been lovely. But he keeps dropping these little hints. These little ticking time bombs. He constantly throws into conversations how he is so happy that he knows he's never going to get married. In subtle ways. To me and to his friends. I don't call him my boyfriend and he won't call me his girlfriend. We are 'dating'. And this is supposed to be good enough for me.

I am presently moving to a new place. And his roomie is moving out. The logical thing would be to move in together, since I stay there all the time anyway. But there is not a single mention of it. All I hear is how excited he is that it's going to be his place.

And I just can't help but feel like he is trying to make sure he has an easy out. When and if the time comes that he wants to move on, he won't have to worry about seperating things, or telling people that he is single. If he decides he wants to date other people, he can just say that we were never officially together.

We are doing this sober thing and eating better thing together. And I told him today that I am not asking him to make any promises, but if we do this together, and then spring comes around and he decides he doesn't want me around anymore so he can play, I am going to be fucking pissed. He just tells me to shutup. There is not an ounce of reassurance on his end. And sometimes I feel like it's because he knows. He has done it twice before, and I think he knows himself, and is just trying to have the best of both worlds until he gets bored with me. God, am I being paranoid?

And I sit here asking myself. Should I protect myself? Or should I stop worrying and just let life happen. I can't seem to find a middle ground. I am really good and just pretending the problem doesn't exist, until BAM! I am in the middle of getting dumped. And he knows, just as well as I do, that if he does it again...I'm not coming back this time.

He is one of the most confusing people. He will tell me that he can't escape me, to please be patient with him because he knows he wants to spend his life with me. He just doesn't want it to be now. I will never be one of those girls who throw ultimatums, because that is asking for resentment down the road. So, how long should I be patient? Or should I be patient at all? I know I want to spend my life with him, but is this going to be another situation where I am going to have to chalk up this relationship to just bad timing.

So many questions that are just going to go unanswered. Because just as much as he is a creature of habit, I am as well. And he will most likely push me to the breaking point, and I will let him.