The Right Girl

I must be pre-menstrual. I put on The Smiths and immediately bust out crying. Sorry fot the details, but I honestly don't care.

How do I start this one out. I had talked previously about how I am somewhat not completely against the idea of getting married and having kids. I'm open about it. Obviously, I don't really mention this to the people I have been going out with. Because it's way too soon. Except The DJ.

Oh.

Have I mentioned I'm kind of seeing The DJ again. I think I said a little about it. He has since confessed his love for me again. He says how I'm the only girl who has pulled him back in against his will. Honestly, I didn't try to, but I think that's what lured him back in. I doubt he's ever actually dated an adult before. And so I'm sure he has had deal with a lot of drama as far as break-ups are concerned. I'm just assuming. And I loathe drama. I really just want to enjoy myself right now.

I don't know what any of this means. I am still keeping my guard up. And I am also dating other people. But I like being with him. I have fun.

Today was not good though. He says on facebook (of course) that he has never wanted to have kids or get married. But, he is starting to get that little biological alarm going off. He has asked me before if I've felt this way. And I tell him how I feel. As I read through the comments though, he says he absolutely doesn't want to do that, it just chemicals.

And I just start bawling. I'm sure it has a lot to do with my chemicals right now. But, a little bit of me is sad.

Why do I care? He is probably the last person that I would choose to have kids with. That sounds harsh, but it's true. So why this reaction?

Every girl wants to think that she is so great, that it would sway a guy to want to marry and have children. I fantasize about this guy who wouldn't think twice about wanting to settle down, until he gets involved with me. And I am so amazing, and wonderful. And all of his fears and reservations go away because he found me. The right girl. Unrealistic, yes I know.

And that's just it. That's why I take it so personally. Even though I know he's not the right guy, I still want to be the right girl. I want to be the one for somebody. Is it an ego thing? I don't know. If it is my ego, it hurts. But, I would say it's more of my stomach and chest that hurts right now.

It really seems like I haven't been the right girl for anyone. At least when it counted.

As The DJ would say 'C'est la Vie'... I've really come to hate this term.