I do this thing where I think of the worst case scenario and practice how I would react in my head. I am always thinking of the worst thing that could happen. And I prepare myself. Exactly what I would say, how I would move my eyebrows, how I would leave the room. I am always preparing myself for doom.
DOOM DOOM DOOM!!
I have read articles and heard plenty of people say that your outlook on life affects how your life unfolds. If you are positive and think optimistically, good things will happen. And if you are pessimistic...blah blah.
You all know where this is going.
Was I always waiting for disaster to strike? Fuck no! I was perky and happy-go-lucky in junior high. Weren't we all? Not from what I here. I have always thought of myself as extremely fortunate to have the childhood and adolescence that I had. But, as I got older, I formed relationships. And slowly I became cautious. Was it because I had a chip on my shoulder? Or was it because of who I chose to trust with my most intimate feelings. I hate passing blame, because every move I made was my own choice. So then the question arises, am I a glutton for punishment? Am I one of those girls who chooses to be with people who will constantly 'challenge' her. To put it lightly.
Where does the responsibility lie? Or is there any responsibility to be had? Am I a product of society, upbringing, situations, relationships, influences? FUCK!! Am I a product of anything except my own DNA encoding? Anyone with any sense of logic would say all of the above.
And yet, how do I fix it? How do I stop this pessimism? After so long my mind has been trained, in some way, to constantly look over my shoulder. My inner voice tells me it's for my own protection. But am I creating my own disaster by expecting it?
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Being Single in the SLC
I am a 31 year old atheist, trying to cope with dating in Salt Lake City, Utah.
1 comments:
YOu are creating disaster by going back to what you know didn't work in the first place. One thing I changed was the type of guy I was dating. I dated assholes. Loppy was the first one and after the way he treated me, it lead me to believe I deserved to be treated that way so I continued to date asshole after asshole and kept being treated like dirt on the bottom of their shoe. Didn't matter how sweet or nice I was to them, the sweeter I was the meaner they were! I even had one guy convince me that aborting his kid would bring us closer together, he begged me for a week to do this. He even cried! Never seen that kid cry over ANYTHING! So I finally do it, I abort his kid and pay for the whole thing. Literally the very next morning he kicked me out and asked me why i was still in his house. WTF really? Even more stupid, 6 months later he heard I was doing good and somehow conned me back into his life. However no regrets. because that's when I met Kenneth. So I sort of feel contracdictive here. It's stupid to get back with exes that treat you bad and dont respect who you are and they take advantage of your hand outs. However my return ending up working out for me in the long run.. However not with that guy. I met Kenneth. Complete opposite of any guy I've ever dated. Not someone I ever thought I would date. He was someone I didn't think I'd deserve. Completely two different people. You know Kenneth and you know me. We aren't perfect. We fight. We can't talk about religion we have two complete different opinions about it so guess what? we just dont talk about it. We agree our kids will choose what they want to believe. He loves rap and hiphop, i love house music and classic rock. He likes to dress in camo and go hunting, I like dressing in old used ebay clothes and i think it's the saddest thing ever when he kills a deer. However our personalities.. we both want to love and we both want to be loved. We are both caring and want the same things in regards to a relationship. I guess what i'm trying to say is Never expect anything. Don't assume something wont work out because of this and that. Don't be protective. Go after what you know what will suit YOU. I went out on a limb when I figured out that I wanted Kenneth. I left this asshole that i for some reason convinced myself what a comfort zone and wasn't shy about what I wanted when it came to kenneth. Maybe it's cuz I finally knew I was good enough for him. I dunno life's a bitch, realtionships are hard and living in Utah will only affect your search if you let it. YOu cant blame living in utah. There are more people like you then you know. Teisha, I love you to death and as long as you stay truth to yourself you will never fall yo! Word to the best beastie boy lyric ever! If you are making emotional changes to plesae someone DONT, if you are going out of your way to please someone and you aren't getting in return what you deserve STOP! You deserve what I found and you will find it. Just be willing to get HURT. You have to look at like this.. If it doesn't work out with this guy there will always be another. It's not the end of the world when you break up with someone. It's opportunity to get closer to finding someone who will flatter you and everything about you.
love you.
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