As you get further into dating, you start to realize the games involved. I knew at first that women and men, no matter how old, play games with each other. Maybe not always intentionally. And I thought I was prepared for it.
I am not.
Being with people for long periods of time, gives you this false sense of knowing a lot about the opposite sex. When really, you only know a lot about that one particular person. So, when I started dating again, I honestly thought I had it figured out. I am constantly told by guys how much they hate playing games. And they want a woman to be honest about what they want, and be the aggressor for once. And I have never been afraid to tell guys I like them, or ask them out. In fact, I prefer it.
But after these experiences, I have realized...they don't mean it.
I think I am too available. I give away too much, too soon. Once I start dating someone, I am all about making them feel special. And doing anything I can do to show them how much they mean to me. I am starting to realize most guys want a challenge. They want the chase. I don't like to put generalities on a whole gender. But I think I need to.
After hanging with the DJ a bit, he has started to express that he is still in love with me. And possibly wants to date again. I truly believe that the only reason The DJ has taken any interest in me again is because I am not a sure thing anymore. And he knows it's a possibility that I could end up with someone else. And this is where it becomes a chase. I'm not doing any of this to try to get him back. Because I know in my heart he will probably never be the right person for me. But, I'm not 18 anymore. And I get so caught up in the idea of finding the right person, I forget that it doesn't mean I can't still involve myself with anyone I choose to. As long as I don't allow myself to get hurt, why the hell not. I'm an adult for christ sake. I need to stop trying so hard, and enjoy myself. Am I just trying to justify wanting to hang out with him? Maybe, probably. But I'm tired of trying to force myself to do things or not do things. It becomes extremely stressful.
I take on so many different philosophies, as to try to not let myself get hurt. But pain is all part of the process. And I can fight it and be miserable and anxious constantly. But I think maybe I'm going to try and just enjoy the ride.
So a small update. I wussed out with The Emo Boy. All because he wanted to hang at a bar with some friends. And I am still struggling with this whole hanging out, instead of actual dates. But I think I might just have to let that go. It seems to be the way dating goes these days. Or maybe it's just an age thing. I don't know. I apologized and asked if he would still want to hang sometime.
He said yes.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Out and About 10:47 AM
Well, this week has been interesting.
Bear with me people, in an effort to remember more of this whole experience, I'm being way more specific. For my own benefit, so I'm sorry if it gets boring.
I still have not heard back from The Cyclist. I have asked a ton of people advice, since I would handle the situation very differently. I definitely would have texted him a while back. Asking if he wanted to hang out. But I keep getting told I'm too agressive, and it might come across as desperate. UGH. So I'm told if he really wanted to hang out with me, he would have said something by now. I still think that maybe I will just shoot one text and ask him how he is. I don't see anything wrong with that. It's really hard to try and filter through all this advice and still be myself. Hopefully I can find a happy medium.
I hung out with The DJ's best friend this weekend. I absolutley fell in love with this girl after he introduced us. We are hilarious together. So after he dumped me, I told her that I still think we should hang sometimes. We had a girl's day. Lunch and shopping. It was a blast. The conversation did head towards what happened with me and The DJ. I guess they don't really talk about serious stuff. He just told her that things were over, c'est la vie. That was it. I told her that it was harder because it just doesn't seem like it affects him at all, like he doesn't care. And she said he really doesn't care about much. She also said that she thinks he really has never gotten over his ex. I told her about how we had been hanging out, and some physical things happened. And she gives me this serious look. She says 'I hope that you aren't hanging out with him cause you think he will get back together with you. Cause he won't.' And I told her that I don't want to be with him. And that is the truth. It was really nice to be able to say that and know that I mean it. It was a very insightful conversation. Depressing, but helpful.
Later that night, we decided we wanted to go out and play, and meet some boys. Some of her friends suggested Green Street. It was not great at all, and our group completely ditched us. But she wanted to stick it out there for some reason. I'm glad we did, because I did have a guy approach. Extremely cute. Calling him The Emo Boy, only because he proclaimed himself to be that. He doesn't seem emo, but he says he dresses that way. I find out he is 26...and I'm a little weary of this. I'm told I look really young, so most the guys who hit on me are younger. I haven't decided if age is an all around concern. I'm getting there though. We will see with this one. But he told me that he came to talk to me because of my piercings and he really like my style. We talked for quite a bit about music, and the bar scene. He was extremely happy about my love for The Smiths. He told me I had a beautiful smile, and I got embarrased quite a bit. This weird thing has happened after all this dating. I way more reluctant to take compliments. After so many guys telling me how pretty I am, and how perfect I am. And things completely turning upside down so quickly. I feel like they weren't sincere with what they were telling me. I kept telling him to not say nice things. That's probably something I need to get over. Anyway, numbers were exchanged. And he says he wants to hang out.
Surprisingly, he texted me this morning. And we have been texting back and forth. I'm pretty happy about that. I guess we will see.
Bear with me people, in an effort to remember more of this whole experience, I'm being way more specific. For my own benefit, so I'm sorry if it gets boring.
I still have not heard back from The Cyclist. I have asked a ton of people advice, since I would handle the situation very differently. I definitely would have texted him a while back. Asking if he wanted to hang out. But I keep getting told I'm too agressive, and it might come across as desperate. UGH. So I'm told if he really wanted to hang out with me, he would have said something by now. I still think that maybe I will just shoot one text and ask him how he is. I don't see anything wrong with that. It's really hard to try and filter through all this advice and still be myself. Hopefully I can find a happy medium.
I hung out with The DJ's best friend this weekend. I absolutley fell in love with this girl after he introduced us. We are hilarious together. So after he dumped me, I told her that I still think we should hang sometimes. We had a girl's day. Lunch and shopping. It was a blast. The conversation did head towards what happened with me and The DJ. I guess they don't really talk about serious stuff. He just told her that things were over, c'est la vie. That was it. I told her that it was harder because it just doesn't seem like it affects him at all, like he doesn't care. And she said he really doesn't care about much. She also said that she thinks he really has never gotten over his ex. I told her about how we had been hanging out, and some physical things happened. And she gives me this serious look. She says 'I hope that you aren't hanging out with him cause you think he will get back together with you. Cause he won't.' And I told her that I don't want to be with him. And that is the truth. It was really nice to be able to say that and know that I mean it. It was a very insightful conversation. Depressing, but helpful.
Later that night, we decided we wanted to go out and play, and meet some boys. Some of her friends suggested Green Street. It was not great at all, and our group completely ditched us. But she wanted to stick it out there for some reason. I'm glad we did, because I did have a guy approach. Extremely cute. Calling him The Emo Boy, only because he proclaimed himself to be that. He doesn't seem emo, but he says he dresses that way. I find out he is 26...and I'm a little weary of this. I'm told I look really young, so most the guys who hit on me are younger. I haven't decided if age is an all around concern. I'm getting there though. We will see with this one. But he told me that he came to talk to me because of my piercings and he really like my style. We talked for quite a bit about music, and the bar scene. He was extremely happy about my love for The Smiths. He told me I had a beautiful smile, and I got embarrased quite a bit. This weird thing has happened after all this dating. I way more reluctant to take compliments. After so many guys telling me how pretty I am, and how perfect I am. And things completely turning upside down so quickly. I feel like they weren't sincere with what they were telling me. I kept telling him to not say nice things. That's probably something I need to get over. Anyway, numbers were exchanged. And he says he wants to hang out.
Surprisingly, he texted me this morning. And we have been texting back and forth. I'm pretty happy about that. I guess we will see.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Get it together 4:44 PM
I have realized that I am not doing what I intended with this blog.
It was supposed to be something fun, and entertaining. I wanted to document my dating experiences. And it's reading like a depressing journal of some lame teenager. Dating was supposed to be an adventure, and it's been nothing but a pain in my ass.
I wanted to actually write about the whole process. Of falling in and out of love. I want to remember everything. And I didn't write anything until it was over. From now on I will definitely not slack on the little stuff.
The hard part is getting dates though. I had that date last week with The Cyclist, and I've barely heard from him since. I don't know how to interpret that. I am so quick and aggressive, that I'm not sure if this is a normal pace. I'm so used to start dating and then wanting to talk to that person as much as possible. But I am holding back as much as I can, so I don't make the same mistakes. And then I'm worried that it might come across as me not being interested. Oh man, this is so lame.
I am still struggling with learning my lessons. In an effort to try to remain friends (which is something I always do), I have allowed myself to communicate with The DJ. It started on facebook not long after I got dumped. He made a comment on a photo. And I thanked him. Which I guess made him feel okay to start communicating. Soon enough, I found myself inviting him over to watch TV with me. Just chill and drink. It was innocent enough, and actually fun. When we are together, we get along so well. But when I took him home, he kissed me. And I let him. He apologized and went inside. I honestly don't know why I let him.
Actually yes I do. Because I love kissing. It's my weakness...my cryptonite.
I have hung out with him again since, and there was kissing again. But I am done. At first I thought it was because maybe he missed me, and he realized he had made a mistake. But it's a trap. And I usually get caught in it. He wants to go out and party, and not have to answer to anyone, or be responsible for anything. Lead the single life, but still have someone to have around for when he gets lonely. And I almost fell for it.
Almost.
I will still be friends with him, just because we have a lot of the same friends. And we hang at the same places. I hate feeling like I have to avoid somebody. But there is no way I'm going to continue to be a side piece of ass.
Anyway, I will try to lighten things up a bit. Hopefully someone asks me out, so I can make this blog the way I intended.
It was supposed to be something fun, and entertaining. I wanted to document my dating experiences. And it's reading like a depressing journal of some lame teenager. Dating was supposed to be an adventure, and it's been nothing but a pain in my ass.
I wanted to actually write about the whole process. Of falling in and out of love. I want to remember everything. And I didn't write anything until it was over. From now on I will definitely not slack on the little stuff.
The hard part is getting dates though. I had that date last week with The Cyclist, and I've barely heard from him since. I don't know how to interpret that. I am so quick and aggressive, that I'm not sure if this is a normal pace. I'm so used to start dating and then wanting to talk to that person as much as possible. But I am holding back as much as I can, so I don't make the same mistakes. And then I'm worried that it might come across as me not being interested. Oh man, this is so lame.
I am still struggling with learning my lessons. In an effort to try to remain friends (which is something I always do), I have allowed myself to communicate with The DJ. It started on facebook not long after I got dumped. He made a comment on a photo. And I thanked him. Which I guess made him feel okay to start communicating. Soon enough, I found myself inviting him over to watch TV with me. Just chill and drink. It was innocent enough, and actually fun. When we are together, we get along so well. But when I took him home, he kissed me. And I let him. He apologized and went inside. I honestly don't know why I let him.
Actually yes I do. Because I love kissing. It's my weakness...my cryptonite.
I have hung out with him again since, and there was kissing again. But I am done. At first I thought it was because maybe he missed me, and he realized he had made a mistake. But it's a trap. And I usually get caught in it. He wants to go out and party, and not have to answer to anyone, or be responsible for anything. Lead the single life, but still have someone to have around for when he gets lonely. And I almost fell for it.
Almost.
I will still be friends with him, just because we have a lot of the same friends. And we hang at the same places. I hate feeling like I have to avoid somebody. But there is no way I'm going to continue to be a side piece of ass.
Anyway, I will try to lighten things up a bit. Hopefully someone asks me out, so I can make this blog the way I intended.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Decompress 12:24 AM
So...
I am in such a terrible mood.
I've been handling things pretty well considering. I guess that's maybe a sign that if I'm not completely devastated by the situation, then maybe my heart wasn't in it afterall. Or maybe I'm just starting to get used to it, maybe I'm becoming numb.
I cry a little every once and a while. But definitely not as much as I expected. I realize that if it didn't happen now, it would eventually.
I have already been on an actual date. A bicyclist whom I met...at a club. I know, I know. I don't know where the hell else to meet guys. Those are the only places I get approached. He seems nice enough though. He races bicycles, has a ton of tattoos (which I love), he does not drink, and he's a vegetarian. And he actually has a car. He asked me to go with some friends to dinner. We had Indian food, and it was an okay time. I didn't do a lot of talking. Apparently they all worked at this bicycle shop together, and The Cyclist and his buddy got laid off. So it was the main topic of conversation. He says he is not going to look for another job, and live off unemployment so he can train full time. I haven't decided if this is good or bad yet. The unfortunate side effect of going through this many relationships is I'm becoming pickier. And I hate that. He did pay for my dinner though.
After dinner, he drove me home, walked me to my door. And he said he has plans to do it again sometime. Just a hug (I didn't even kiss him, which is HUGE for me). I am definitely taking things nice and slow for a while. Let the actual dating process happen.
Tonight though. UGH! A few days ago I got in touch through facebook (where else?) with a guy I had been a few dates with a long time ago. He is extremely cute, and I was so excited to find him, and see that he was single. When I went out with him back then, I was going through a break-up, and I just couldn't focus my attention on anything else. I made the excuse that we had 'too much in common'. So lame.
We exchanged a few messages, and he told me about a decrompression party for Utah Burners. And I decided that I would go, and I would see him there. We talked a little bit. The usual conversation 'Where do you live? Where do you work?' blah blah blah. As we talk, he starts to tell me he is probably going to drop acid tonight. At first I thought he was joking, but he wasn't. And a few minutes later he sure enough drops acid. He tells me he loves to hallucinate.
DAMMIT!!
I absolutely do not date people who take drugs. I don't care if people do it, but it's just way too hard for me. I don't get drugs, I've never done them. I would have a really hard time being with anyone who is tripping constantly. So I guess that one is already out of the question. Too bad, he is really cute.
I'm just so annoyed right now.
I am in such a terrible mood.
I've been handling things pretty well considering. I guess that's maybe a sign that if I'm not completely devastated by the situation, then maybe my heart wasn't in it afterall. Or maybe I'm just starting to get used to it, maybe I'm becoming numb.
I cry a little every once and a while. But definitely not as much as I expected. I realize that if it didn't happen now, it would eventually.
I have already been on an actual date. A bicyclist whom I met...at a club. I know, I know. I don't know where the hell else to meet guys. Those are the only places I get approached. He seems nice enough though. He races bicycles, has a ton of tattoos (which I love), he does not drink, and he's a vegetarian. And he actually has a car. He asked me to go with some friends to dinner. We had Indian food, and it was an okay time. I didn't do a lot of talking. Apparently they all worked at this bicycle shop together, and The Cyclist and his buddy got laid off. So it was the main topic of conversation. He says he is not going to look for another job, and live off unemployment so he can train full time. I haven't decided if this is good or bad yet. The unfortunate side effect of going through this many relationships is I'm becoming pickier. And I hate that. He did pay for my dinner though.
After dinner, he drove me home, walked me to my door. And he said he has plans to do it again sometime. Just a hug (I didn't even kiss him, which is HUGE for me). I am definitely taking things nice and slow for a while. Let the actual dating process happen.
Tonight though. UGH! A few days ago I got in touch through facebook (where else?) with a guy I had been a few dates with a long time ago. He is extremely cute, and I was so excited to find him, and see that he was single. When I went out with him back then, I was going through a break-up, and I just couldn't focus my attention on anything else. I made the excuse that we had 'too much in common'. So lame.
We exchanged a few messages, and he told me about a decrompression party for Utah Burners. And I decided that I would go, and I would see him there. We talked a little bit. The usual conversation 'Where do you live? Where do you work?' blah blah blah. As we talk, he starts to tell me he is probably going to drop acid tonight. At first I thought he was joking, but he wasn't. And a few minutes later he sure enough drops acid. He tells me he loves to hallucinate.
DAMMIT!!
I absolutely do not date people who take drugs. I don't care if people do it, but it's just way too hard for me. I don't get drugs, I've never done them. I would have a really hard time being with anyone who is tripping constantly. So I guess that one is already out of the question. Too bad, he is really cute.
I'm just so annoyed right now.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
The Inevitable 5:57 PM
So I have not updated in quite a bit. And there was a reason.
I did actually suck it up, and give the DJ a chance. I went out with him. And I had a blast. He was charming, and sweet, and most importantly hilarious. We got along perfectly. I set aside all my reservations about his lifestyle. Even after he admitted to me he was an alcoholic. But, he said he was waiting for a special someone to pull him out of it. He truly wanted someone to spend time with at home. A reason not to go out and get drunk all the time.
And I believed him.
After about a week, he had already said that he was falling for me. And only after two weeks did he confess that he WAS in love me. And honestly, looking back, I think I was in love with the idea of someone being in love with me.
You can already tell where this might be going. But, I will continue.
We spent everyday together. Laughing a lot. I didn't feel like I had to water down my personality. I am extremely crude, and honest. And he seemed to be the same way. When I start to care about someone, I want to spoil them, and take care of them. And that's exactly what I did. I would make sure he had a ride to wherever he was going, since he didn't have a car. I bought drinks for him and his friends. I left surprises at his house to let him know I was thinking about him.
This whole time he's telling me how perfect I am. And how he's had a crush on me for 10 years. What an accomplishment it was that he snagged me. He even admitted I was a trophy. Which should have been a huge red flag. I told him I wasn't sure about him seeing me as a trophy.
But I trusted him. Whole-heartedly.
He asked me if we could change our facebook status. And we did that at the same time. I was so excited about being open about having a boyfriend. I've never had that before. To be excited that I was with somebody. He went to my friends parties with me, and he seemed so proud of me. He said I was so smart, and creative, and so pretty. He had never been with anyone as pretty as me. I am so reluctant to believe these things. But it doesn't mean that I didn't like hearing them.
And a week after deciding to be exclusive.
Something changed.
He didn't invite me to places with him. He blew me off. He said he wanted to hang out with me one day. Just to say that it couldn't happen that night, but for sure tomorrow. Which happened to be my favorite holiday. Halloween.
Hasn't this exact thing happened before?
I asked him why he suddenly stopped inviting me places. And he said that it was his policy not to party with his girlfriends. His past experiences have only brought jealousy. It was strange to me, since I've been partying with him the past three weeks. And I have never acted jealous about anything. Even when some girl came up and was caressing and running her fingers
through his hair.
He shut down and didn't want to talk about it anymore. I asked him if he still wanted to hang out that night. Which happened to be Halloween.
'Yes, no, maybe...I don't know'
I ended up not hanging out with him on. Halloween. He didn't text or call. I had a fabulous night with one of my oldest friends. And happened to have a few people interested in me.
The next day he pretended like nothing happened, and I gave him the cold shoulder. I was extremely hurt. I saw on facebook that he was making grand plans with friends.
Trips out of state. Going out partying and not inviting me at all. I lost it, and went to his house. I told him how I am tired of being a girlfriend of convenience.
And how I wasn't going to continually go through the same thing. I was balling, and a complete mess. And he just looked at me coldly. He said, 'I just didn't want you around. Is that bad?'
'I do my own thing.'
At that moment I knew I had made a huge mistake. He didn't care about me at all. He didn't want to be in a relationship. I was a trophy. And the minute I stood up for myself, he couldn't handle that reality.
I spent two days barely talking to him. And I had planned on
ending the relationship.
..and he beat me to the punch.
He dumped me.
Things got 'too real for him, too fast.'
His exact words.
Lesson learned.
I did actually suck it up, and give the DJ a chance. I went out with him. And I had a blast. He was charming, and sweet, and most importantly hilarious. We got along perfectly. I set aside all my reservations about his lifestyle. Even after he admitted to me he was an alcoholic. But, he said he was waiting for a special someone to pull him out of it. He truly wanted someone to spend time with at home. A reason not to go out and get drunk all the time.
And I believed him.
After about a week, he had already said that he was falling for me. And only after two weeks did he confess that he WAS in love me. And honestly, looking back, I think I was in love with the idea of someone being in love with me.
You can already tell where this might be going. But, I will continue.
We spent everyday together. Laughing a lot. I didn't feel like I had to water down my personality. I am extremely crude, and honest. And he seemed to be the same way. When I start to care about someone, I want to spoil them, and take care of them. And that's exactly what I did. I would make sure he had a ride to wherever he was going, since he didn't have a car. I bought drinks for him and his friends. I left surprises at his house to let him know I was thinking about him.
This whole time he's telling me how perfect I am. And how he's had a crush on me for 10 years. What an accomplishment it was that he snagged me. He even admitted I was a trophy. Which should have been a huge red flag. I told him I wasn't sure about him seeing me as a trophy.
But I trusted him. Whole-heartedly.
He asked me if we could change our facebook status. And we did that at the same time. I was so excited about being open about having a boyfriend. I've never had that before. To be excited that I was with somebody. He went to my friends parties with me, and he seemed so proud of me. He said I was so smart, and creative, and so pretty. He had never been with anyone as pretty as me. I am so reluctant to believe these things. But it doesn't mean that I didn't like hearing them.
And a week after deciding to be exclusive.
Something changed.
He didn't invite me to places with him. He blew me off. He said he wanted to hang out with me one day. Just to say that it couldn't happen that night, but for sure tomorrow. Which happened to be my favorite holiday. Halloween.
Hasn't this exact thing happened before?
I asked him why he suddenly stopped inviting me places. And he said that it was his policy not to party with his girlfriends. His past experiences have only brought jealousy. It was strange to me, since I've been partying with him the past three weeks. And I have never acted jealous about anything. Even when some girl came up and was caressing and running her fingers
through his hair.
He shut down and didn't want to talk about it anymore. I asked him if he still wanted to hang out that night. Which happened to be Halloween.
'Yes, no, maybe...I don't know'
I ended up not hanging out with him on. Halloween. He didn't text or call. I had a fabulous night with one of my oldest friends. And happened to have a few people interested in me.
The next day he pretended like nothing happened, and I gave him the cold shoulder. I was extremely hurt. I saw on facebook that he was making grand plans with friends.
Trips out of state. Going out partying and not inviting me at all. I lost it, and went to his house. I told him how I am tired of being a girlfriend of convenience.
And how I wasn't going to continually go through the same thing. I was balling, and a complete mess. And he just looked at me coldly. He said, 'I just didn't want you around. Is that bad?'
'I do my own thing.'
At that moment I knew I had made a huge mistake. He didn't care about me at all. He didn't want to be in a relationship. I was a trophy. And the minute I stood up for myself, he couldn't handle that reality.
I spent two days barely talking to him. And I had planned on
ending the relationship.
..and he beat me to the punch.
He dumped me.
Things got 'too real for him, too fast.'
His exact words.
Lesson learned.
