So at this point, things aren't terrible, but they aren't getting better. I confronted him on the whole going out with his friends all the time. And he tells me he thinks he's being conservative. That he thinks going out with them more shouldn't be a problem. Of course, I just swallow it down. There really is no telling him he's wrong, or that it hurts me. He will say and do what he wants, and I either put up with it, or leave. But that just doesn't seem very healthy. I feel like I'm preparing myself for the end.

I wrote this note to myself the other night while drunk. So I could remember that moment.

'April 28 3:54 am - The minute I completely realized that my boyfriend didn't care about impressing me, or making me happy anymore. The sweets things he said, the affection, the attraction...gone. I might as well be one of his friends.'

It really is true. He doesn't pretend to be interested in anything I have to say. He doesn't think I'm funny, he doesn't tell me how cute I look. Affection is completely gone, never any kisses. And definitely no sex. I have absolutely no control over what I want in this relationship. If I bring it up at all, he just brushes it off. Tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. I just have never been good with confrontation. I would rather keep it locked away, until 6 years later I realize that I've been wasting my years on someone who couldn't care less.

I think once I find a job, and hopefully two jobs. Maybe he won't take me for granted. Maybe he will miss me. I hope so.

I spent the night tonight listening to my boyfriend talk about me to to his friend. How I'm unmotivated, how I'm pessimistic. It's one of the most painful things to sit through. I try so hard to be a good person, a caring person. I'm not perfect, I have a ton of flaws. My procrastination is a huge one.

But I didn't know that he felt that strongly about it. It doesn't matter how perfect of a girlfriend I am. The flaws will always be the main focus. Always.

He has flaws, but I focus on the positives. As much as I am a pessimist, I absolutely adore him for all the good things about him. I just get this general feeling that guys try to find reasons to not be happy with me.

That's another thing. Apparently I'm a martyr. I play the victim. Which is possible. But if someone tells me honestly that I'm acting a certain way, I try to make it better. But it seems like it's stretching to pick this one thing about me, and use it like I'm terrible.

I can't even express how awful I feel right now. I can't stop crying. I just want someone to love me in spite of my flaws and weaknesses. I want him to see that I love him more than anything, and that I am trying to show him that.

I guess it's a bad thing to try to show him that he's the center of my world, my happiness. I don't understand how that's a bad thing.

Very strange dreams last night. I didn't really think they were significant, but as I'm thinking about them more, they make perfect sense. I had a dream that The DJ and I went to my parents house. Somehow it ends up that Th Ex is there, and he is the next door neighbor. So I see that his place is still in shambles, just how I left it. I guess he is going on a vacation with my parents, and his kids are there. I'm trying to hide from him, but he sees us. He walks up to me and says that he wants me to leave. That he doesn't get to see his kids very often and I'm ruining it for him. I agree to leave, but The DJ gets pissed. They start fighting, but as they are fighting The DJ turns into The Ex. So it's two Of The Exes fighting. I'm trying to stop them, but at this point suddenly I can't move from where I'm at. I start gripping the grass trying to pull myself towards them, but it's just not working. At this point I wake up. And in a completely terrible mood.

I just kind of let it go, chalk it up to another weird dream. But, I took The DJ to work, and as we pull up there are these strippers smoking outside. And he says bye, and no kiss. He always kisses me goodbye. But I can see in his eyes. He doesn't want them to know I'm his girlfriend, or he doesn't want them to know he has one. It killed me. And then the dream makes perfect sense. From wanting to hang out with me less, not wanting me to go inside the strip club, we don't kiss anymore, no sex for 2 weeks. Even the goddamn nu-metal he's been listening to. My dream shows my fears of this relationship turning into the miserable one I got out of. I'm afraid he's turning into The Ex. The anxiousness, the self esteem issues because of his new job. It's definitely not as bad, but I can't help but worry.

I hate that my last relationship has turned me into such a pessimistic, worrier. I used to be so carefree. And now I expect the worst all the time, because that's just the way it was for 6 years. The worst.

So this is going to be our issue. I've written about it before, and I'm sure I will continue to write about it. The boys nights are becoming more frequent. And so I think it is time to start backing off and staying home more. I need to get a job and be less available and see how things go. I'm done being the girlfriend who goes out of her way to take care of him, just for him to go out without me all the time. I know he isn't doing it on purpose, he's not trying to hurt me. But I am hurt. Eww, I'm such a clingy girlfriend, I'm super dependent. I need to stop. Maybe he might start missing me, and appreciating me again.

This is all sounding extremely selfish. He takes care of me in other ways. It's just me getting used to coming to this point in a relationship. It always happens. Comfort and routine have set in. And I just need to shake things up a bit.

On a positive note, one little thing he did say was extremely nice. We had an adventurous day. That involved buying pot and a pipe. I tried it again for the first time in 8 years. The first time I hated, and it still really isn't anything special. But as we were walking to my car, he starts saying that this will be a story to remember. My adventure trying pot with my then boyfriend. I kind of stop, saying 'Then boyfriend?' And he says, well who knows, I could be your husband. *le sigh*

The only reason I get so upset is because I love him so much. I love being with him more than anyone else. And sometimes I just hate that he doesn't feel the same. He isn't really doing anything wrong.

I ran home as fast as I could. I couldn't stop crying. How quickly someone doesn't need or want you around anymore. Maybe I"m still drunk. Drowning myself in alcohol, trying to pretend that I'm not hurt. It's 6:30 am, and I just can't stop crying, I can't. I try so hard to not be over emotional, so I drowned myself in alcohol, and acted as cool as I could. I know how guys are. The minute you become over-emotional, it becomes too real. Especially with the DJ. I'm so scared of freaking him out, and him leaving me again. So I woke still feeling resentment. And I left as quickly as I could.

I spend the entire winter trying to make sure that he was taken care of, that he had a ride to work. I don't have a ton of money, but I will go to the ends of earth so he is happy and comfortable. He knows that, everyone does. He is starting to make money at his new job. And I'm already starting to get a taste of what the summer will be like. He told me that he won't be around as much. But he reassured me that he will make sure to let me know what is going on. I'm so scared, that it's just going to be the same as when he first strayed. I am so secure in my being able to be the best girlfriend I can. But this happens every time. I make it too goddamn easy. I don't put up a fight, and 9 times out of 10, guys start to realize I won't make a stink. I just take it.

So he acted so excited that he had a Monday off. We were to go to the free movie, since we haven't been able to in ages. And I show up at his house to hang out with him and his friends. And he slaps my thigh saying how excited he is he has the following night out. That it's customer appreciation night at his new work. And I ask, well do you want me to come? And he says, no, I think it will be a boys night.

So not only in front of his friends does he make me look like an idiot, but he skips out on our plans together. He says he will make it up to me by taking me out to a movie earlier that day. But I feel awful. I just feel awful.

It's the same shit over and over again. And I try so hard not to show that it affects me. I want so much to not be typical. But I'm so scared. I'm so fucking scared. I don't want to be taken advantage of anymore. I just can't. I don't get how he has these friends that will take advantage of anyone, on a regular basis. And the one person that truly cares about him, he can so easily hurt. He knows it, he sees it. And he doesn't care.

Another boys night. Dammit, why do I only feel like writing when I feel awful? Maybe because I always feel better when I'm with him. And I can't really write things in front of him.

Things have been wonderful. Obviously the sweet text messages went away. Which I think is what is upsetting me right now. Usually if he goes out without me, I will get a text message saying that he missed me, and he would love to see me. It's 4 am, and nothing. I don't know if he's home. He could possibly still be out, maybe at a party. Or maybe everyone is partying at his house. At this point, my thoughts are swirling. I was okay earlier, but the later it gets, the worse I feel.

He keeps saying how he hasn't been out in a week, and how excited he is to go out. But we went out on Tuesday, and it was so much fun. Dinner at Legends, frozen yogurt and we saw How to Train Your Dragon. Wednesday we went to the free movie at Brewvies, American Psycho. But when he says he hasn't been out all week, it makes me feel like my nights with him don't count. I know that's super girlie and irrational. But I just can't help it. And then he plans this epic night, and of course I'm not included. I'm okay with boys night, he's done it at least once a week. But for some reason I feel like tonight wasn't boys night, it was 'No Me Night.' I just wish that I wasn't to that point again. Where he is excited to be able to go out without me.

I wish sometimes he would miss me, he would worry about me. Show some sign of emotion. He used to tell me everything he felt, at least when he was drunk. And occasionally he will say something beautiful. But I always wonder if ever feels this anxiety when he's without me. I just don't think he does.