The Short Story 10:45 PM

Some love stories aren't epic novels, some are short stories
But, that doesn't make them any less filled with love.

This story isn't short, but the relationship was.

I don't know if it would be better to be in a drunken haze while writing this. I'm sure you saw from my last post that I don't hold back as much. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I like the idea of being able to grasp these emotions. Some that I try to deny to myself, just to keep my sanity. I don't really tell a lot of people how I truly feel about The Good Guy, except maybe for the roomie. And I'm sure she is tired of hearing about it.

He's my short story...

I'm going to try to avoid every single detail. Because it becomes boring. We went to high school together. He was dating a friend of mine, she was on drill team with me. I was in relationship with The Ego. He married her. I remember him, but never really talked to him at all.

Years passed by, 11 to be exact. We talked a tiny bit on facebook and twitter. We exchanged numbers and have a conversation by text message. I find out he is going through a divorce. His wife cheated on him and I am going through a break-up myself with The Ex. After a while of talking he asks me out. I warn him that I'm much different than I was in high school. I'm a sailor-mouthed, opinionated, liberal atheist. And as I remember he is a conservative mormon. He says he knows how I am, and it doesn't bother him at all.

The dates were amazing and romantic. We had an immediate connection. I have never felt that strong of connection with anyone that quickly. And he tells me the same. It was just this immediate feeling of happiness. Straight out of a chick flick. All the cheesiness and butterflies, and I loved it. We constantly told each other how smitten we were. He told me I was perfect, and he had this strange need to take care of me. And he did. Be aware this is only after about 4 dates, in the span of a week or so. We were both scared, but in a good way. Like maybe for both of us the timing was perfect. And we were both seeking something that the other could provide. He wanted some excitement in his life after being married for 9 years. I was looking for some stability after spending most of my life in constant chaos.

One night he told me that there was nothing I could tell him that would scare him. And that he had a lot of plans for me. After him saying this many times, I dropped my guard and told him I was falling for him. And he said that he was in love with me. It felt so nice.

After that night, he mentioned planning for vacations. And he took me couch shopping to get an idea for my style. He asked me what kind of ring I wanted, and what kind of wedding I wanted. And talked to me about how we would have cute kids. I have never allowed myself to think I was going to get married, because honestly none of my exes wanted to marry me. Except The Ego asked me to marry him on his mission, only to come home and say that he wasn't mentally unstable when he asked. It was so wonderful to think someone wanted to make plans with me.

I keep writing, and I'm getting too detailed. And I'm sure it's boring.

I will just skip straight to it. He got scared...

He worried I was a rebound. And wanted to slow thing down. I was fine with that. But he got more and more distanced. I would invite him places, and he would say okay, just to bail that day. Finally I decided that I didn't want to seem like a desperate, crazy girl. And I was going to let him off the hook. I asked him to call me, because I didn't feel it was right to text something like that. And shortly after, he texted me saying that he didn't want to date me anymore. Because of school and his kids. And a bunch of bullshit that had nothing to do with the situation. Because I never kept him from any of those things. I was devastated. Even if he didn't mean anything he said, I did. I really did fall in love with him, as crazy as it seems. I did...

I told him we could still be friends, no hard feelings. My desperate attempt to keep people in my life. And we still occasionally exchange comments or chat on facebook. But seeing his picture on there kills me. I feel like I lost something incredible. And I feel like I will never have a connection like I had with him. Everyone encourages me, but he was so caring and sweet. And most guys aren't like that. Man, I lost out. And I know another girl will come along. And I hope she knows how lucky she is. Because I really knew how lucky I was to spend the short amount of time I had with him. I am bitter, but not enough to hate him. I am angry that I allowed myself to think I was going to get married. I actually looked at rings and dresses. I imagined my life with someone else. Me... I hate myself for that.

I hope he knows how much I cared about him, and I still do.

Drunken Postings I 11:56 PM

I name this the first edition of my drunken ramblings.

I was going to write about The Good Guy tonight. I wanted to tell the whole story because it's still fresh on my mind. I have a terrible memory, and it might be nice to re-count things as I remember them. And not have all this haziness.

But it's still so painful. It makes me cry thinking about it.

I have to keep taking a minute to clear my eyes, so I can see what I'm typing. It's probably the alcohol. It's been two months since I fell in love with him. And it's been almost month since he fell out of love with me. I know. It was extremely quick. And I will talk about it, but I can't right now, because the bitterness is consuming. And I don't want to write negative things. I don't usually feel bitter about it. But, tonight I do.

Facebook has become such a source for my depression lately. I've tried to establish a friendship with The Good Guy, even though there is still a lot of hurt. Just because I can't imagine him not being a part of my life. So I'm basically taking what I can get. But, I am having a really hard time right now. I'm still trying to date, and it has been a huge source of stress and anxiety. Now I'm not the type of person to put specifics on facebook. But I put passing thoughts and generalities on there. And I get these constant sarcastic comments. Including some from The Good Guy. And it fucking kills me. I guess I shouldn't take anything personal, but when you put your emotions out there for your friends to see, people you care about. And all I get is these brush offs. I probably deserve it, I'm an extremely sarcastic person. But I can sense when someone might be struggling, or having a hard time. And I don't take that opportunity to make light of it. Maybe I need to take sometime away from it.

Anyway, I will write about The Good Guy, and my experiences with another guy from last night. But I'm cloudy and pissed right now. And I'm trying my best not to sound bitter.

Focus 9:42 PM

I finally got the internet at home. Although my setup is extremely uncomfortable. I don't have a desk, so I'm sitting on the floor, keyboard on my lap. My hand gets extremely cramped because the mouse is on the floor. But I'm glad that when I feel like posting, I can.

This blog is about dating, and yet I sat down and thought about it tonight. I haven't been on a single date since before I even started this blog. I was asked out by the DJ, which I mentioned in a previous post. And I chickened out. I saw him again, and he was drunk as could be. Telling me the same bullshit he told me before. Maybe it isn't bullshit, but I'm so tired of hearing the same things. It becomes part of the game. I am continually told how guys have had crushes on me for ages. Be it from high school, or from the club. I hate the crush line. Because it puts these unfair expectations on me that I can never live up to. Once they realize I'm this imperfect human, suddenly the fantasy wears off.

So, I tell the DJ that he will get over his crush. He still says he wants to go out for dinner and drinks afterward the next night. So the next night, I get a call at 10:00 saying he just got payed and asks if I would like to go bar hopping.

Now, I have problems with this. I am not so old that I don't understand the dating game. I might not like it, and I am still learning. But I think I understand the basics. But, this little proposal for bar hopping makes me feel...just old. I guess I'm just old fashioned, but how do you get to know someone bar hopping? Even if he just mentioned going for drinks, it would seem better. This is a sign to me of just wanting to get drunk and party. And I'm all about that, but not on a first date. Plus it's 10, and I'm in pajamas. So I told him I was tired, and we will have to plan on another night.

He apologized today, and asked if I wanted to come to the bar he is DJ-ing at. And you know, I'm struggling to be interested at all. Add to the fact, that since The Good Guy, I have had extreme anxiety about opening up to anyone. I really need to write about him. And everything else.

So I told the DJ that I couldn't go out tonight. And we will plan another night. The only real reason I'm considering another night is so I can at least write about an actual date on my date blog.

Anyway, much much more to catch up on. I haven't mentioned anything about The Ex yet. And that has turned out to be a never-ending story. And there is more to talk about with The Good Guy. Oh man, so much craziness. I'm telling you, being single is LAME!

The Horror 10:56 AM

My messages are filling up, and soon I will have to delete them. So I need to post this particular conversation with a gentleman who wanted to go out with me. I wouldn't usually post things like this verbatim. But this is a perfect example of the horrors of dating.


Him: What is your schedule like?

Me: Well, I told you Friday would work, but I forgot about a show I was going to. The rest of the week I work days until about 5:30

Him: What about tonight?

Me: That might work, what did you have in mind?

Him: Umm, want to come by my place? Maybe something kinky?

Me: Let me just get this straight. I take it you are only interested in sex?

Him: No. I want to hurt you a little too..Explore and see what you are made of. Be friendly and stuff. But sex is the top of my list..Is that a problem?

Me: Well, I don't do casual sex. I know how I am, and I get extremely attached. Sorry if I gave you that impression.

Him: Good to know, and you gave me the impression that you didn't sleep around. I think you and I have some chemistry though. I'd be interested in exploring it. I usually keep a few pets, and then I have Liliane, she isn't going anywhere. I'd be interested in seeing if you have pet potential.

Me: What does being a 'pet' entail?

Him: It's a dominant/submissive a night or two a week..Service, bondage, protocol.

Me: I don't think I have pet potential, but thanks for considering me.

Him: Ok. So that is a no thank you?

Me: I'm afraid so. Sorry.

The Beginning 12:33 PM

I have been in a few relationships. Most of you reading this know about them. I started dating at 16, and fell head over heels for The Goth. He's not really a goth anymore, but when I dated him he was. This was my first experience dating. He was the first person to take any interest in me. And I had no idea why he liked me at all. I was a very optimistic, sunny cheerleader. I loved school, I loved my friends. He was dark, and depressed, and well....a goth. He was in a band, and he let me play bass in his band occassionally, even though I was terrible. I have always loved the goth culture and I'm sure my attraction to him was because he was the exact opposite of me. But he was hilarious, and anyone knows the way to my heart is to make me laugh.

I was smitten by him. But, I wouldn't really say that what we were doing was dating. We hung out, watched movies and held hands. That was the extent of it. He tried to kiss me once, and I dodged it and told him I was too scared. I wish I could be more specific about this relationship, but the whole thing is a bit hazy, because it was so long ago. I don't think we were together very long. I went on vacation for a week, and when I came back, he stopped calling me. It was just like that. He didn't talk to me anymore. Of course, I was devastated. I didn't understand anything about relationships or dating. I didn't know if this was the way it worked. My diary was basically dedicated to The Goth. I wanted so much to be able to still talk to him. I didn't actually speak to him again for another 4 years. I saw him at a club, and we became friends again. As we reconnected, there was kissing, but I think we both knew that nothing would ever come of it. We were meant to be friends. And he is one of my favorite people to this day. There are times that we won't talk for a year, but we still keep each other in mind.

Since that situation I have always known that even if things don't work out between people, I don't see why they can't still be a part of each others lives. Unless someone has done something terrible, I understand that things change, and people change. That doesn't mean that I care about the people I had dated any less. Of course some situations take a little more time to be able to have a friendship. And sometimes having exes still around caused quite a few issues with people I was dating. But I hate losing people. There is a reason I cared about particular people. And it's so rare to find people that you cared about so intensely. I don't like letting that go. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But it's my thing. Anyone I date now, I am very clear about having my exes still in my life. And not just exes, but I have a lot more guy friends than chick friends. And I am not giving them up. If someone has jealousy issues or expects compromise on that end, they will have to find someone else. Throughout this last year, I have learned to love my friends and my family so much. A lot of people have helped me survive this last year and a half. Including my exes. I am so grateful that I have their advice, because no one knows me better than these people. To any friends reading this, and to the one ex I am allowing to read this (yikes) Thank you!

The Pressure 12:11 PM

The roomie and I went to karaoke the other night. I was so happy she came out with me. It was fun, but I keep adding this pressure on myself to meet people. Let me just say, I'm not one of those chicks who is desperate to find her true love everywhere she goes. But when you're single, you're a lot more aware of the people around you and the potential they have. When I go to the grocery store, or the library, I notice cute guys. It sounds pathetic, and maybe a little desperate. But honestly, I feel like if I'm going to meet people, I have to allow myself to be open to it.

I had written down my experiences talking to a few guys from that night. But reading back, it's pretty boring and typical. I meet a guy, he ends up being a douche after having too much to drink. I meet another guy, but only after he showed interest in the roomie, so I'm the sloppy seconds. I even got asked out by the karaoke DJ, and I said yes. But chickened out, because the pressure of being cute and charming all the time is getting to me. Everyone says to be yourself, but in the beginning you are trying to be the best version of yourself. It's tiring.

I will probably still attempt to go out with him if he doesn't hate me. But man, when you aren't the youngest, thinnest, most attractive girl, it makes it that much harder. And I'm not. I've always thought of myself as kind of strange looking compared to most girls. I have squinty eyes, a small nose, and a round face. And I'm not kidding myself, I have a ways to go to be comfortable with my body. I guess no one saw that I was self-conscious, cause everyone I've talked to from high school has said I composed myself with great confidence. People said they had crushed on me, but no one really ever said anything. I'm sure it had a lot to do with having a boyfriend most of high school. But I definitely wouldn't have stayed with the asshole for so long had I known anyone had an interest. I honestly thought no one else was really going to like me, and that my high school boyfriend was the best I could do. I guess I should give him a nickname, as I'm sure he will be popping up quite frequently. Hmm...The Ego sounds appropriate. He is now named The Ego. I will get to him, don't worry.

Anyway, I have so many ideas to post about. I really need to clear my head so I can put together something that makes sense and isn't overwhelming. Honestly I'm so overwhelmed by my own thoughts. I'm not a writer, but I'm trying to put together something cohesive. I do want this to be a story, more than just writing random thoughts all the time. I promise this will get interesting.

Ex Messages 2:03 PM

And when you're dancing and laughing and finally living.
Hear my voice in your head and think of me kindly.

I am writing on my nice bristol board paper and with my Faber-Castell H pencil because I don't own a fucking notepad or a regular pencil. I usually have these passing thoughts, it's frustrating when I finally get the chance to write, I can't remember shit.

I have been getting messages from The Ex. And not the typical ones, where he states how I broke his heart. And how I threw away 7 years together. They usually end with how cold-hearted I am, and please think of him as dead. They always end with goodbye. I never thought about how final 'goodbye' sounds. If you think about it, who says 'goodbye' anymore. His goodbyes are never final though. I usually get pages and pages of text messages. The first will be the typical hurt speech. The next will be some mean jab at me, then that will be followed by an apology and the 'goodbye'.

I hate that he is struggling. So bad...

I don't want to hurt anyone. No one does, but I have a tendency to stay with people for years because I don't want to hurt them. Anyway, the conversations have been extremely draining, because I want him to pull out of this. It was becoming very destructive. And I worried about his health and his safety.

But the other day he asks if he can take me out to talk. And I know where this is going. His text messages become very apologetic and reflective. And I know where this is going. There comes a point in my break-ups, it never fails, where they get this clarity. Where they stop playing victim, and there's this realization of what they've lost. I don't claim to be perfect, but I think I'm a pretty awesome girlfriend. I'm extremely laid back, almost too much. This attitude gets taken advantage of. This is what's happening with The Ex. I know he want to put everything on the table for another chance. He wants to tell me how he's different, and how he will be different. And I'm going to have to tell him it's too late. I have to break his heart again. I get teared up just thinking about it. I've had to do this with every serious relationship I've been in. It's so weird, but I find it easier to deal with being hurt than hurting someone else. Unfortunately, I've learned that finding the right person involves hurting a lot of good people.

The Single Atheist in Utah 4:22 PM

Let's talk a little about the dating scene in Utah. I had mentioned above that I'm 30, well I will be 30 this month. Most people in Utah understand the challenges right away. You see, mormon culture is overwhelming. Generally the dating scene is over for most people in high school. Guys go on their missions around age 19. Then they come home and there is a small amount of dating. Most guys have girls waiting for them, and they marry pretty quickly when they get home. Other than that, I believe guys turn to people that they already know, or who are part of their ward. And I think I've been told about the singles ward once or twice. There really are slim pickins at my age, since most everyone scooped each other up pretty early. Strangely enough, I was dating a mormon all through high school. And I almost waited for him while he was on mission. This is another post all together.

Add to the fact that I'm an atheist. I just talked about that most people meet each other within their small church communities. Obviously this creates a problem for an atheist. I generally avoid dating mormons, just because of the potential issues in the future. I have dated mormons before, and I have no problem with it, as long as they understand who I am. And know that they will not be able to convert me at all. Period. But, I'm sure mormons avoid me as much as I avoid them. Most mormons or even religious people in general assume that atheists have no morals. Which isn't true, I have most of the same morals, they just come from the laws and common sense instead of the bible. But, we won't get into the backgrounds of atheism. I want to keep any talk of atheism in relation to dating.

The most recent person I dated was a mormon. I'll call him The Good Guy. (A lot of my friends will disagree with the nickname, but I stand by it). I knew him back in high school. He dated and married a friend of mine from high school. We reconnected on facebook (which apparently is the way to meet people these days). I was dating this guy while he was going through a pretty bad divorce. This should have sent up red flags, but he convinced me that he was okay with dating. The story of The Good Guy is long, and I will save it for another post. But he didn't seem to have a problem that I was an atheist, although I got the feeling that he was looking for the exact opposite of what his ex-wife was. And that is just asking to be rebound material. Another lesson I learned quite painfully.

So when I talk about the challenges of dating, maybe I mean it's more a challenge to meet people who are interested. My roomie and I agreed that if I were living in New York it wouldn't be an issue. Or a lot of other places for that matter. Culturally diverse places see a lot less discriminating taste and they aren't getting married off at age 18-21 on average. We decided that if I'm still single at 35, I'm packing my bags and moving. Cause, you know....in Utah, it's game over man, game over.

Note to Self 2:01 PM

As I am just starting this blog, things might be somewhat confusing to the reader. I haven't even begun to flesh out my backstory. I am learning lessons, or more appropriately, I am trying to learn lessons about my dating habits. One of my long standing habits is drinking and flirting. A deadly combo. I think that I'm decent at flirting and being charming. But when I pass the point to full on drunkeness, things fall apart. I am extremely forward and agressive. And most the time, it will involve kissing. I love to kiss, more than anything. And for some reason I drink, and drink...and then it's on to kissing. This might not seem like such a terrible thing. But I would like to be the type of person to at least kiss people I'm interested in, as opposed to the people who happen to be standing closest to me. That is an exaggeration, but you get the point.

The biggest problem here is I am making people think I'm interested when I'm not. And I feel terrible about that. I really do. I don't want to hurt anyone. And I am already on that path.

The other problem is that I may come across as easy. And generally you are not going attract the guys with the best intentions or expectations. I will say one thing, I am not a slut. It is going to be interesting to date at this age and know how sex fits in. I don't do casual sex, and I think I've already experienced rejection because of not wanting to be a booty call. I say that I think, because I'm not positive if that was the reason. I'm just assuming.

Anyway...note to self...no more heavy drinking while dating.

The Purpose 11:33 AM

I guess I have to start this somewhere. And I guess the best place to start might be with the why.

I have another personal blog. It's not huge, just a few friends drop in to take a peek at my boring little life. But my blog has been lacking in posts. Due to certain things happening in my life, I feel a little bad about being extremely specific. Especially with the people that are part of my life. I find blogs to be therapeutic, and also a great way to look back on your life and who you were at different times. But I hate having to leave such big aspects of my life out in fear of hurting peoples feelings. So, instead of making my blog private, which I have always tried to avoid. I'm attempting to do an anonymous blog. I'm hoping that I can share feelings and experiences without certain people in my life being hurt. And still allow everyone to share my experiences with me.

The main purpose of this blog is to share my dating experiences, past and present. I will not be using my name, or any names for that matter. That way I don't have to worry about the people I'm dating coming across this. At least I hope. *crosses fingers* So for the interest of anonymity, if you know me, please don't mention any names in the comment section. And if you know who I'm dating, I would appreciate you not mentioning this blog.

I am by no means a great writer, so don't come into this expecting it to be grand literature. I'm sure I will spend some time going back and forth between present dating, and reflecting on my previous relationships. I'm hoping this little experiment works, and I'm hoping that people will get some entertainment out of my situation. Because everyone knows that dating has always been quite the adventure.