The Beginning

I have been in a few relationships. Most of you reading this know about them. I started dating at 16, and fell head over heels for The Goth. He's not really a goth anymore, but when I dated him he was. This was my first experience dating. He was the first person to take any interest in me. And I had no idea why he liked me at all. I was a very optimistic, sunny cheerleader. I loved school, I loved my friends. He was dark, and depressed, and well....a goth. He was in a band, and he let me play bass in his band occassionally, even though I was terrible. I have always loved the goth culture and I'm sure my attraction to him was because he was the exact opposite of me. But he was hilarious, and anyone knows the way to my heart is to make me laugh.

I was smitten by him. But, I wouldn't really say that what we were doing was dating. We hung out, watched movies and held hands. That was the extent of it. He tried to kiss me once, and I dodged it and told him I was too scared. I wish I could be more specific about this relationship, but the whole thing is a bit hazy, because it was so long ago. I don't think we were together very long. I went on vacation for a week, and when I came back, he stopped calling me. It was just like that. He didn't talk to me anymore. Of course, I was devastated. I didn't understand anything about relationships or dating. I didn't know if this was the way it worked. My diary was basically dedicated to The Goth. I wanted so much to be able to still talk to him. I didn't actually speak to him again for another 4 years. I saw him at a club, and we became friends again. As we reconnected, there was kissing, but I think we both knew that nothing would ever come of it. We were meant to be friends. And he is one of my favorite people to this day. There are times that we won't talk for a year, but we still keep each other in mind.

Since that situation I have always known that even if things don't work out between people, I don't see why they can't still be a part of each others lives. Unless someone has done something terrible, I understand that things change, and people change. That doesn't mean that I care about the people I had dated any less. Of course some situations take a little more time to be able to have a friendship. And sometimes having exes still around caused quite a few issues with people I was dating. But I hate losing people. There is a reason I cared about particular people. And it's so rare to find people that you cared about so intensely. I don't like letting that go. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But it's my thing. Anyone I date now, I am very clear about having my exes still in my life. And not just exes, but I have a lot more guy friends than chick friends. And I am not giving them up. If someone has jealousy issues or expects compromise on that end, they will have to find someone else. Throughout this last year, I have learned to love my friends and my family so much. A lot of people have helped me survive this last year and a half. Including my exes. I am so grateful that I have their advice, because no one knows me better than these people. To any friends reading this, and to the one ex I am allowing to read this (yikes) Thank you!