Ex Messages

And when you're dancing and laughing and finally living.
Hear my voice in your head and think of me kindly.

I am writing on my nice bristol board paper and with my Faber-Castell H pencil because I don't own a fucking notepad or a regular pencil. I usually have these passing thoughts, it's frustrating when I finally get the chance to write, I can't remember shit.

I have been getting messages from The Ex. And not the typical ones, where he states how I broke his heart. And how I threw away 7 years together. They usually end with how cold-hearted I am, and please think of him as dead. They always end with goodbye. I never thought about how final 'goodbye' sounds. If you think about it, who says 'goodbye' anymore. His goodbyes are never final though. I usually get pages and pages of text messages. The first will be the typical hurt speech. The next will be some mean jab at me, then that will be followed by an apology and the 'goodbye'.

I hate that he is struggling. So bad...

I don't want to hurt anyone. No one does, but I have a tendency to stay with people for years because I don't want to hurt them. Anyway, the conversations have been extremely draining, because I want him to pull out of this. It was becoming very destructive. And I worried about his health and his safety.

But the other day he asks if he can take me out to talk. And I know where this is going. His text messages become very apologetic and reflective. And I know where this is going. There comes a point in my break-ups, it never fails, where they get this clarity. Where they stop playing victim, and there's this realization of what they've lost. I don't claim to be perfect, but I think I'm a pretty awesome girlfriend. I'm extremely laid back, almost too much. This attitude gets taken advantage of. This is what's happening with The Ex. I know he want to put everything on the table for another chance. He wants to tell me how he's different, and how he will be different. And I'm going to have to tell him it's too late. I have to break his heart again. I get teared up just thinking about it. I've had to do this with every serious relationship I've been in. It's so weird, but I find it easier to deal with being hurt than hurting someone else. Unfortunately, I've learned that finding the right person involves hurting a lot of good people.