The Pressure

The roomie and I went to karaoke the other night. I was so happy she came out with me. It was fun, but I keep adding this pressure on myself to meet people. Let me just say, I'm not one of those chicks who is desperate to find her true love everywhere she goes. But when you're single, you're a lot more aware of the people around you and the potential they have. When I go to the grocery store, or the library, I notice cute guys. It sounds pathetic, and maybe a little desperate. But honestly, I feel like if I'm going to meet people, I have to allow myself to be open to it.

I had written down my experiences talking to a few guys from that night. But reading back, it's pretty boring and typical. I meet a guy, he ends up being a douche after having too much to drink. I meet another guy, but only after he showed interest in the roomie, so I'm the sloppy seconds. I even got asked out by the karaoke DJ, and I said yes. But chickened out, because the pressure of being cute and charming all the time is getting to me. Everyone says to be yourself, but in the beginning you are trying to be the best version of yourself. It's tiring.

I will probably still attempt to go out with him if he doesn't hate me. But man, when you aren't the youngest, thinnest, most attractive girl, it makes it that much harder. And I'm not. I've always thought of myself as kind of strange looking compared to most girls. I have squinty eyes, a small nose, and a round face. And I'm not kidding myself, I have a ways to go to be comfortable with my body. I guess no one saw that I was self-conscious, cause everyone I've talked to from high school has said I composed myself with great confidence. People said they had crushed on me, but no one really ever said anything. I'm sure it had a lot to do with having a boyfriend most of high school. But I definitely wouldn't have stayed with the asshole for so long had I known anyone had an interest. I honestly thought no one else was really going to like me, and that my high school boyfriend was the best I could do. I guess I should give him a nickname, as I'm sure he will be popping up quite frequently. Hmm...The Ego sounds appropriate. He is now named The Ego. I will get to him, don't worry.

Anyway, I have so many ideas to post about. I really need to clear my head so I can put together something that makes sense and isn't overwhelming. Honestly I'm so overwhelmed by my own thoughts. I'm not a writer, but I'm trying to put together something cohesive. I do want this to be a story, more than just writing random thoughts all the time. I promise this will get interesting.