This week has been completely insane and overwhelming.
I keep trying to figure out what I should be doing in this situation. I have tried to avoid conflict. I've tried to not be irrational. I've honestly tried to be the best ex-girlfriend I can be and I've made it extremely easy.
Why do I do this?
His gas has been off for a week, and so I let him come over and shower everyday. He is in and out, like that. He will tell me he loves me when he leaves, and kisses me goodbye. And he's off on his adventures. His life without me. Since I've been letting him do this, he hasn't asked me to hang out. I figure he gets his tiny fix of me, and so he doesn't have to stress about his feelings of guilt or worry. And I let him do this.
I want him to suffer. I really do. Is that bad? I feel like it's awful to feel this way, and so I let him get away with everything.
But tonight, I kind of lost it. I told him I felt used. I told him that he dumped me and I still feel like I'm taking care of him. And of course he took offense. He doesn't need anyone to take care of him.
Bullshit.
Even though he makes a fuck ton of money now, and has his own means of transportation. He still needs people to do shit for him, cause he doesn't plan anything in advance. Before, I was the one running back and forth to his work to bring him rolaids, or I would quickly go get beer or booze before the liquor store closed. I would go to the asian market and get him kimchi. And after he broke up with me, before I deleted my facebook, I saw that he was asking on his wall if anyone would go get him beer. He needs people, out of laziness. And he doesn't want to admit it.
So, I am weak. And I can't help but want to take care of him. But, I have asked my Dad to help me get the rest of my things out of my apartment tomorrow, so I won't be able to help him with the shower thing. And I absolutely will not be the girl who comes to his rescue anymore. Even when he calls just out of purely being lonely. He's still using me when it's convenient for him. And I'm not doing this for myself, although I think it will be good for me.
I'm doing it so this kid has to feel the pain. So he has to take some kind of responsibility. So there are some consequences to his actions. I want him to suffer, so he can at least learn something. So he knows what he's losing.
After he added me on Twitter, just so he can see what I'm up to. He started linking his Facebook posts to Twitter. And one thing he wrote made me so goddamn angry.
'I must be coated in Teflon. I can make the worst decisions in the world and I never see a consequence.'
That is about to end.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Flaws 9:40 PM
Today was not what I needed. At all. It's kind of brought me back to feeling awful.
After The Ex, I promised myself that I would do things differently. That I would be honest, I would try to be a better person. More understanding, more compassionate. Try to focus on my strengths. I promised myself that I wouldn't let my petty emotions ruin something good. The only time I would bring up any issues is if was important...significant.
And I honestly thought I had done better. Although I struggle with some things. I felt like a lot more of a balanced person.
But every time I hang out with The DJ, I feel like a bad person. I know it's not what he means. But he keeps ramming it down my throat how pessimistic I am. I feel bad for myself all the time, I don't take responsibility for my actions. And the one thing he said, that just keeps echoing in my head.
I'm needy.
That one kind of hurt. I know I'm co-dependent, but only because I loved being around him so much. And so, I sit here thinking that I spent so much time trying to focus and show my strengths to compensate for the things I struggle with. And it always comes down to those flaws in the end. Even after he broke up with me, I bit my tongue. I saw no point in making him feel bad. I don't like doing that.
I think he truly thinks he's doing me a favor. Bringing it to my attention. But there are just some things I can't change about myself. I try, I really do. But I just think there are some core things in people's personalities that you just can't escape. Maybe that's just me making excuses for myself. Maybe all of this is true. Maybe this blog is just one giant way to feel sorry for myself. I don't know.
I do know that I absolutely do not trust any of that group, or my roomie with my feelings anymore. They all take these situations and use them as entertainment. Gossip. The more I get to know these people, the more I am so happy I have the friends and family I have. They have been nothing but kind, and not once did they ever take this opportunity to put me down.
A year ago I had really come to terms with who I was. And I was kind of proud of that. I was almost happy with myself. But now, the confusion is just swirling. Just another flaw, allowing people to affect how I see myself.
After The Ex, I promised myself that I would do things differently. That I would be honest, I would try to be a better person. More understanding, more compassionate. Try to focus on my strengths. I promised myself that I wouldn't let my petty emotions ruin something good. The only time I would bring up any issues is if was important...significant.
And I honestly thought I had done better. Although I struggle with some things. I felt like a lot more of a balanced person.
But every time I hang out with The DJ, I feel like a bad person. I know it's not what he means. But he keeps ramming it down my throat how pessimistic I am. I feel bad for myself all the time, I don't take responsibility for my actions. And the one thing he said, that just keeps echoing in my head.
I'm needy.
That one kind of hurt. I know I'm co-dependent, but only because I loved being around him so much. And so, I sit here thinking that I spent so much time trying to focus and show my strengths to compensate for the things I struggle with. And it always comes down to those flaws in the end. Even after he broke up with me, I bit my tongue. I saw no point in making him feel bad. I don't like doing that.
I think he truly thinks he's doing me a favor. Bringing it to my attention. But there are just some things I can't change about myself. I try, I really do. But I just think there are some core things in people's personalities that you just can't escape. Maybe that's just me making excuses for myself. Maybe all of this is true. Maybe this blog is just one giant way to feel sorry for myself. I don't know.
I do know that I absolutely do not trust any of that group, or my roomie with my feelings anymore. They all take these situations and use them as entertainment. Gossip. The more I get to know these people, the more I am so happy I have the friends and family I have. They have been nothing but kind, and not once did they ever take this opportunity to put me down.
A year ago I had really come to terms with who I was. And I was kind of proud of that. I was almost happy with myself. But now, the confusion is just swirling. Just another flaw, allowing people to affect how I see myself.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Starting Over 9:38 PM
So, after reading my lovely friend's new blog, it has been decided I am a terrible writer. Add to it the constant whiny tone. I can't imagine that the few of you who come to my blog, would decide to come back.
And so, I will try to be more thoughtful, and insightful. And I will try not to use that same damn words all the time.
I was doing a little better lately. Until, I found out I didn't get my dream job. I was told that there were a lot of people more qualified. And then, as I immediately got back to looking for jobs, I saw the same position re-listed on Craigslist that day. It was a little devastating, if I can be dramatic for a moment. And all I can think is that my old job is screwing me over. I can't think of any other reason. And so, I think I am going to try to re-work my resume, and do my best to not include them. Or at least make it impossible to get in contact with them. It seems dishonest, but I've been out of work for almost 5 months. And I don't like that they are making it impossible to gain any sort of employment. Again I am making assumptions. But I have no other insight on the situation.
Okay, so that's the boring information. I have hung out with The DJ again since the first encounter. And it went pretty much the same way. A lot of conversation about our relationship. About me as a girlfriend. A lot of tears. On both ends. He told me that I was perfect, that I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had. I really don't want to get into my thought process at the moment. Because I have mentioned what kind of person he is. And even though he might been lucky enough to come across the love of his life, that's not important to him. Life to him is about spontaneity, and having fun. Living momentarily. But, I know he will regret it. Anyway, there was a lot of back and forth. I told him that I would never get back together with him, I just could never trust that he wouldn't do the same thing. Later, I told him that I was just trying to memorize all of these little moments because they will go away soon. To which he responded, I'm not the one who said I would never get back together with you. I looked at him confused, and said, it's not like you would get back together with me. And he pauses, and looks at me seriously. 'Just get your shit together.'
This is trouble. I took that as it was conditional, that if I 'get my shit together' he will want to get back with me. And everything in me screams to run. But, there is that little part that says, I would love to spend my life with him. I always imagined saving for a while, and traveling the world together.
I will get my shit together. But not for him. As sad as I am, I keep getting little glimpses of what it will feel like to start over. It has been overwhelming, and daunting getting started. But it's a little exciting. It's going to be a new life. And if I try as hard as I can to do whatever it takes, I know in a year or so, my life will be great. I think about after I get out of this place, and I get rid of my car. I can just work and save. And soon after that, I can be out of debt. And possibly get a little place of my own downtown. And decorate it like I have always dreamed. And it will be me and my cat. And possibly someone else who is lovely. And who loves me.
And so, I will try to be more thoughtful, and insightful. And I will try not to use that same damn words all the time.
I was doing a little better lately. Until, I found out I didn't get my dream job. I was told that there were a lot of people more qualified. And then, as I immediately got back to looking for jobs, I saw the same position re-listed on Craigslist that day. It was a little devastating, if I can be dramatic for a moment. And all I can think is that my old job is screwing me over. I can't think of any other reason. And so, I think I am going to try to re-work my resume, and do my best to not include them. Or at least make it impossible to get in contact with them. It seems dishonest, but I've been out of work for almost 5 months. And I don't like that they are making it impossible to gain any sort of employment. Again I am making assumptions. But I have no other insight on the situation.
Okay, so that's the boring information. I have hung out with The DJ again since the first encounter. And it went pretty much the same way. A lot of conversation about our relationship. About me as a girlfriend. A lot of tears. On both ends. He told me that I was perfect, that I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had. I really don't want to get into my thought process at the moment. Because I have mentioned what kind of person he is. And even though he might been lucky enough to come across the love of his life, that's not important to him. Life to him is about spontaneity, and having fun. Living momentarily. But, I know he will regret it. Anyway, there was a lot of back and forth. I told him that I would never get back together with him, I just could never trust that he wouldn't do the same thing. Later, I told him that I was just trying to memorize all of these little moments because they will go away soon. To which he responded, I'm not the one who said I would never get back together with you. I looked at him confused, and said, it's not like you would get back together with me. And he pauses, and looks at me seriously. 'Just get your shit together.'
This is trouble. I took that as it was conditional, that if I 'get my shit together' he will want to get back with me. And everything in me screams to run. But, there is that little part that says, I would love to spend my life with him. I always imagined saving for a while, and traveling the world together.
I will get my shit together. But not for him. As sad as I am, I keep getting little glimpses of what it will feel like to start over. It has been overwhelming, and daunting getting started. But it's a little exciting. It's going to be a new life. And if I try as hard as I can to do whatever it takes, I know in a year or so, my life will be great. I think about after I get out of this place, and I get rid of my car. I can just work and save. And soon after that, I can be out of debt. And possibly get a little place of my own downtown. And decorate it like I have always dreamed. And it will be me and my cat. And possibly someone else who is lovely. And who loves me.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Inspiration 2:25 AM
The show Sex and the City was very much an inspiration for this blog. I liked the narrative. The idea of working through life being single, especially at my age. And writing about it was something I thought would not only be therapeutic, but a reminder of lessons I should learn. Being honest about the entire experience. Good and bad.
I just watched the second movie. And I won't get into how fucking ridiculous it was. That is a completely different subject. Good god was it bad.
Anyway, it's sometimes really easy to choose to write about certain things. Accomplishments, pitfalls, heartbreak. But it becomes really easy to pick and choose what truths you want revealed. Not only to my humble audience, but to myself.
And so, I was going to skip this one.
And then I decided, if I'm going to write on this blog. If I'm going to choose to be candid and honest about my life, I shouldn't skip the bad parts. I can't ignore my moments of weakness.
And so, I was weak. And yes...drunk. And I went to see The DJ last night.
As I walked up to his house. He sitting on a chair at the porch. And he had his squinty eyes on. Which means he was equally as drunk. When I was walking there, I picked a flower for him, and handed it to him, not realizing there was a giant wad of dirt hanging from the bottom. I pulled the entire root out. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know.
We hugged, and we spoke a lot. There was a lot to be said. He wanted me to know that the break-up was entirely his fault. His thing, as he put it. And he told me I was the best girlfriend he has ever had. That I am a special girl. I told him I knew why he broke up with me. And I had a feeling that he would eventually do it. I cried, quite a bit. He played some music for me, and we laughed a lot. And it was like how when we first met. I missed that so much.
I missed him so much.
Was it the best thing to do? Probably not. But, I feel...better. A lot of the sadness just kind of disappeared. I don't know what it means. And I'm trying not to focus on what it means.
I wrote the whole experience down in my journal. Because a lot of things are just too personal. I just want to remember it, because it seemed pretty significant. It was two adults, being honest about ourselves and what we want.
And I just have to say. After a breakup you say things to close friends, that make someone seem worse than they really are. Because of that stinging bitterness. But I just want to put this in writing. I will defend that boy to the ends of the earth. Because even though people say how terrible he was for me. How they didn't like him, or trust him. I absolutely adore him. And he has his flaws, just as much as I have mine. He IS a good person, and he took care of me the best way he could.
I am standing by that.
I just watched the second movie. And I won't get into how fucking ridiculous it was. That is a completely different subject. Good god was it bad.
Anyway, it's sometimes really easy to choose to write about certain things. Accomplishments, pitfalls, heartbreak. But it becomes really easy to pick and choose what truths you want revealed. Not only to my humble audience, but to myself.
And so, I was going to skip this one.
And then I decided, if I'm going to write on this blog. If I'm going to choose to be candid and honest about my life, I shouldn't skip the bad parts. I can't ignore my moments of weakness.
And so, I was weak. And yes...drunk. And I went to see The DJ last night.
As I walked up to his house. He sitting on a chair at the porch. And he had his squinty eyes on. Which means he was equally as drunk. When I was walking there, I picked a flower for him, and handed it to him, not realizing there was a giant wad of dirt hanging from the bottom. I pulled the entire root out. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know.
We hugged, and we spoke a lot. There was a lot to be said. He wanted me to know that the break-up was entirely his fault. His thing, as he put it. And he told me I was the best girlfriend he has ever had. That I am a special girl. I told him I knew why he broke up with me. And I had a feeling that he would eventually do it. I cried, quite a bit. He played some music for me, and we laughed a lot. And it was like how when we first met. I missed that so much.
I missed him so much.
Was it the best thing to do? Probably not. But, I feel...better. A lot of the sadness just kind of disappeared. I don't know what it means. And I'm trying not to focus on what it means.
I wrote the whole experience down in my journal. Because a lot of things are just too personal. I just want to remember it, because it seemed pretty significant. It was two adults, being honest about ourselves and what we want.
And I just have to say. After a breakup you say things to close friends, that make someone seem worse than they really are. Because of that stinging bitterness. But I just want to put this in writing. I will defend that boy to the ends of the earth. Because even though people say how terrible he was for me. How they didn't like him, or trust him. I absolutely adore him. And he has his flaws, just as much as I have mine. He IS a good person, and he took care of me the best way he could.
I am standing by that.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Whoa 11:17 AM
I have re-written this post about three times. I keep trying to think how it would make me feel if I was the other person, and came across it. Which completely defeats the purpose of this blog.
But I still try and have a little class.
Some things were texted to me last night. From The DJ. I almost posted the entire conversation, but I know I've seen things like that posted from friends. And I always thought to myself 'I can't believe they would be so personal'.
I knew that sooner or later he would get this way. Lonely and drunk. And it was a matter if I was strong enough to resist. And I did. He called and apologized today. And I apologized for calling him terrible. Even though he really was being terrible. We spoke for a moment about how things were going. And it was somewhat uncomfortable. Hopefully it won't be so uncomfortable in the future. And that is that. I guess.
As much as it hurts right now, and I was going to give in, because I miss him so much. I didn't. And I'm pretty damn proud of myself. Sad, but proud.
But I still try and have a little class.
Some things were texted to me last night. From The DJ. I almost posted the entire conversation, but I know I've seen things like that posted from friends. And I always thought to myself 'I can't believe they would be so personal'.
I knew that sooner or later he would get this way. Lonely and drunk. And it was a matter if I was strong enough to resist. And I did. He called and apologized today. And I apologized for calling him terrible. Even though he really was being terrible. We spoke for a moment about how things were going. And it was somewhat uncomfortable. Hopefully it won't be so uncomfortable in the future. And that is that. I guess.
As much as it hurts right now, and I was going to give in, because I miss him so much. I didn't. And I'm pretty damn proud of myself. Sad, but proud.
Friday, June 18, 2010
The First Date 11:50 PM
I feel like I'm writing way too damn much. But, I like to get this shit out while it's fresh on my mind.
I went on the date with Mr. Folds. And he is a solid guy. Funny, sweet, charming. He took me to eat middle eastern food for the first time. And it was surprisingly delicious. I let him pick what we ate, and we just shared. Potatoes and green beans. Oooh, it was so good. We talked a bit about our histories. He has not been married, and no kids. Which I was surprised about. And of course, because it's still very fresh. I talked about the whole situation with The DJ.
Then we met his friends at an art gallery next door and looked at some artwork. Some damn expensive artwork they considered buying. I'm talking 500 dollars for a tiny painting. Then we were off to meet more friends at The Dodo for drinks. He and his friends are hilarious and vulgar. Just the way I like it. I'm glad I didn't have to hold back, because they certainly didn't.
But as the night progressed. I got increasingly sad and anxious. I can't explain it. I'm still trying to figure it out. And I just kind of came to the conclusion that maybe it's still too soon.
He could absolutely tell. We talked a bit more before he dropped me off in his car. And I knew he could tell. I told him that I didn't even realize I wasn't ready until I was right in the middle of it. He completely understood. And he seems very genuine. I actually do like him, and I think he will be someone that I will hang out with again soon. He has his shit together and is doing well in life. Which isn't something I've experienced for a long time. An actual grown up. But I don't have my shit together. Right now, I'm thinking I just need my friends, and some good cuddling occasionally.
I went on the date with Mr. Folds. And he is a solid guy. Funny, sweet, charming. He took me to eat middle eastern food for the first time. And it was surprisingly delicious. I let him pick what we ate, and we just shared. Potatoes and green beans. Oooh, it was so good. We talked a bit about our histories. He has not been married, and no kids. Which I was surprised about. And of course, because it's still very fresh. I talked about the whole situation with The DJ.
Then we met his friends at an art gallery next door and looked at some artwork. Some damn expensive artwork they considered buying. I'm talking 500 dollars for a tiny painting. Then we were off to meet more friends at The Dodo for drinks. He and his friends are hilarious and vulgar. Just the way I like it. I'm glad I didn't have to hold back, because they certainly didn't.
But as the night progressed. I got increasingly sad and anxious. I can't explain it. I'm still trying to figure it out. And I just kind of came to the conclusion that maybe it's still too soon.
He could absolutely tell. We talked a bit more before he dropped me off in his car. And I knew he could tell. I told him that I didn't even realize I wasn't ready until I was right in the middle of it. He completely understood. And he seems very genuine. I actually do like him, and I think he will be someone that I will hang out with again soon. He has his shit together and is doing well in life. Which isn't something I've experienced for a long time. An actual grown up. But I don't have my shit together. Right now, I'm thinking I just need my friends, and some good cuddling occasionally.
Ugh 11:44 AM
Things have been getting better. I think...
I had an interview for my dream job today. It's exactly what I used to do at my old job. Minus the photography. It went really well, and I knew exactly what I was doing. So I'm really, really, really hoping I get it. It's excellent money and really laid back. She seemed almost embarrassed about the pay they were offering. I was like, WHAT?? That's fine...fine! I will hopefully find out on Monday. I can't wait!
So, in other news. I am going on a date tonight, with the dude I met at E11. I spoke to him on the phone for a bit yesterday. And he seems very sweet. He is quite the talker. But that's good, cause I like listening.
The thing though. I hinted in my last post about some concerns. He is quite a bit older than me. He doesn't look it, and he certainly didn't act it. So, I'm kind of unsure if this should be an issue. When I mention it to my friends, jaws drop. I guess I shouldn't care quite yet. We haven't even been out, and I keep thinking of things that could possibly go wrong. *must suppress pessimistic urges*
The anxiousness has not subsided. It is driving me crazy. I have a constant pain in my chest and stomach. And I just feel nervous all the time. I am hoping that it goes away soon, because I absolutely do not eat. I have been living off the same bag of chips and salsa for the past 2 weeks. I hate that feeling more than anything, and I'm not sure how to get rid of it. Blerg.
I had an interview for my dream job today. It's exactly what I used to do at my old job. Minus the photography. It went really well, and I knew exactly what I was doing. So I'm really, really, really hoping I get it. It's excellent money and really laid back. She seemed almost embarrassed about the pay they were offering. I was like, WHAT?? That's fine...fine! I will hopefully find out on Monday. I can't wait!
So, in other news. I am going on a date tonight, with the dude I met at E11. I spoke to him on the phone for a bit yesterday. And he seems very sweet. He is quite the talker. But that's good, cause I like listening.
The thing though. I hinted in my last post about some concerns. He is quite a bit older than me. He doesn't look it, and he certainly didn't act it. So, I'm kind of unsure if this should be an issue. When I mention it to my friends, jaws drop. I guess I shouldn't care quite yet. We haven't even been out, and I keep thinking of things that could possibly go wrong. *must suppress pessimistic urges*
The anxiousness has not subsided. It is driving me crazy. I have a constant pain in my chest and stomach. And I just feel nervous all the time. I am hoping that it goes away soon, because I absolutely do not eat. I have been living off the same bag of chips and salsa for the past 2 weeks. I hate that feeling more than anything, and I'm not sure how to get rid of it. Blerg.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Well... 11:52 PM
I have been quite the whiner since the breakup. I am well aware. And thanks to everyone who has put up with it. I'm kind of letting the emotions flow as they come. And even though it's kind of annoying to go back and read, I am glad I did it. Night time has been particularly difficult. Because it was when I spent time with The DJ. I haven't quite known what to do with myself, especially since I'm kind of a prisoner in my own room.
So, I am going to try to move past all the personal feelings. Although I am sure they will re-surface from time to time.
Right now, I am thinking about how to approach the whole dating thing again.
Am I ready?
*shrugs*
I am going to anyway. I started off after The Ex deciding to be a lot pickier. Which didn't work. So I figured I would let up, and kind of go with the flow. Try not to force things. And that's how I met and started to date The DJ. Which didn't work either.
I get caught up in formulas, and try to balance that with advice I get from friends. Should I be pickier, or should I take more chances? Is there really a middle ground? Everyone keeps telling me to just go about my life, and I will find someone unexpectedly. But I have a hard time believing that's the way it works. And even if I manage to find someone that way, I am starting to be really pessimistic about things lasting. After all the experiences I have had, I am trying with all my might to not be bitter or jaded.
I have the opportunity to go out on a date with someone I met at the Utah burn. And I am pretty damn scared because of certain factors. I won't mention them yet, because I'm not even sure that I will be going out with him. But, as the dating thing progresses, not only do I worry about my own personal issues with experiences in the past. But I am thinking that societal issues might become something I am going to have to confront. And I am just overwhelmed with the idea of even being single again.
I guess we will see.
So, I am going to try to move past all the personal feelings. Although I am sure they will re-surface from time to time.
Right now, I am thinking about how to approach the whole dating thing again.
Am I ready?
*shrugs*
I am going to anyway. I started off after The Ex deciding to be a lot pickier. Which didn't work. So I figured I would let up, and kind of go with the flow. Try not to force things. And that's how I met and started to date The DJ. Which didn't work either.
I get caught up in formulas, and try to balance that with advice I get from friends. Should I be pickier, or should I take more chances? Is there really a middle ground? Everyone keeps telling me to just go about my life, and I will find someone unexpectedly. But I have a hard time believing that's the way it works. And even if I manage to find someone that way, I am starting to be really pessimistic about things lasting. After all the experiences I have had, I am trying with all my might to not be bitter or jaded.
I have the opportunity to go out on a date with someone I met at the Utah burn. And I am pretty damn scared because of certain factors. I won't mention them yet, because I'm not even sure that I will be going out with him. But, as the dating thing progresses, not only do I worry about my own personal issues with experiences in the past. But I am thinking that societal issues might become something I am going to have to confront. And I am just overwhelmed with the idea of even being single again.
I guess we will see.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Love 9:22 PM
'Now I poured my heart out, it evaporated...see?'
I deleted my last post, because it was all just trivial bullshit. Phone calls, texts, Facebook. Day to day things that mean nothing. And I don't need to remember them.
There are better things I could be writing about. More important things.
I keep watching Ben Folds 'Evaporated' over and over. And I just keep crying. I listen to this song after every heartbreak. Maybe it's not the best thing to watch, but I just keep doing it.
I went through and organized all the old pictures, so I didn't have to see them everytime I had to browse for something. And so, I continued to organize. And found an old document that he wrote on Reddit about us falling in love. I saved it, because it was the most amazing thing ever. It's a little too personal to post here. But, it talked about how falling in love feels like the both of us against the world.
And I just completely broke down.
I have no understanding of going from that, to talking about getting blow jobs on Facebook. I understand that people's feeling change. But because of it happening so quickly, I feel like I was lied to.
And so I start to question if unconditional love is even a possibility. I know I spoke about my parents relationship. But is that just tolerating each other, or just comfort? What is it? What makes it so damn important?
Why is it so important to me?
I have told every person that I've ever been with, the only thing I want or need in life, is to have someone love me as much as I love them. That's it.
It seems like the most simple thing on the planet. But everyone's feelings change so rapidly. I can't keep up.
At this moment. After thinking I had found a partner. Someone that I had so much in common with, someone who I got along with so well, I never fought with. Someone who I believed so much that he loved me as equally. And now, nothing.
Right now, I just give up.
I deleted my last post, because it was all just trivial bullshit. Phone calls, texts, Facebook. Day to day things that mean nothing. And I don't need to remember them.
There are better things I could be writing about. More important things.
I keep watching Ben Folds 'Evaporated' over and over. And I just keep crying. I listen to this song after every heartbreak. Maybe it's not the best thing to watch, but I just keep doing it.
I went through and organized all the old pictures, so I didn't have to see them everytime I had to browse for something. And so, I continued to organize. And found an old document that he wrote on Reddit about us falling in love. I saved it, because it was the most amazing thing ever. It's a little too personal to post here. But, it talked about how falling in love feels like the both of us against the world.
And I just completely broke down.
I have no understanding of going from that, to talking about getting blow jobs on Facebook. I understand that people's feeling change. But because of it happening so quickly, I feel like I was lied to.
And so I start to question if unconditional love is even a possibility. I know I spoke about my parents relationship. But is that just tolerating each other, or just comfort? What is it? What makes it so damn important?
Why is it so important to me?
I have told every person that I've ever been with, the only thing I want or need in life, is to have someone love me as much as I love them. That's it.
It seems like the most simple thing on the planet. But everyone's feelings change so rapidly. I can't keep up.
At this moment. After thinking I had found a partner. Someone that I had so much in common with, someone who I got along with so well, I never fought with. Someone who I believed so much that he loved me as equally. And now, nothing.
Right now, I just give up.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Class 11:19 PM
You are a jerk. Right now, you are a jerk.
Ugh!
I would never post the things that you post.
If you ever see this. I can't believe you. It's starting to make things a lot easier though.
Way to be classy.
Ugh!
I would never post the things that you post.
If you ever see this. I can't believe you. It's starting to make things a lot easier though.
Way to be classy.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
6/10/10 10:30 PM
I am in the desert at 7 in the morning. I've started drinking already, managing a good buzz. And of course I think about you.
I woke up in a tent with 3 people. All trying to cuddle and possibly do more. And I just don't want anyone to touch me.
As I sit here by myself, drinking vodka. The light trying to peak through the clouds, I wonder what you are doing. You are probably with a girl, I assume. Most likely partying. I keep thinking about texting you. I don't know what I would say.
I would say I miss you.
I'm overcome with sadness. I don't want any of these people. I want you.
I don't know why I'm even writing this like I am speaking to you. You will never see it. I thought about showing it to you when things were good. I thought it might be special. The story of us meeting, and eventually falling in love. I'm glad I didn't. I guess it feels better to think that I'm talking to you. It's been over a week since I've spoken to you, and it feels strange. All of these things that I want to say so badly, but I'm way too caught up in not making things uncomfortable.
It's strange without you. It doesn't feel like real life. Everyday has become a blur.
C'est la vie, right?
I woke up in a tent with 3 people. All trying to cuddle and possibly do more. And I just don't want anyone to touch me.
As I sit here by myself, drinking vodka. The light trying to peak through the clouds, I wonder what you are doing. You are probably with a girl, I assume. Most likely partying. I keep thinking about texting you. I don't know what I would say.
I would say I miss you.
I'm overcome with sadness. I don't want any of these people. I want you.
I don't know why I'm even writing this like I am speaking to you. You will never see it. I thought about showing it to you when things were good. I thought it might be special. The story of us meeting, and eventually falling in love. I'm glad I didn't. I guess it feels better to think that I'm talking to you. It's been over a week since I've spoken to you, and it feels strange. All of these things that I want to say so badly, but I'm way too caught up in not making things uncomfortable.
It's strange without you. It doesn't feel like real life. Everyday has become a blur.
C'est la vie, right?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Revelation 11:13 AM
A short one, something I just wanted to write quickly.
As I was speaking to The Ex yesterday. He had asked me if I had talked to The DJ at all. I told him that we spoke briefly on the phone. And we exchanged words on Facebook before I deleted it. But after that, nothing.
He seemed surprised by this. He said that usually within a day or two, I would be begging him to get back together with me. That was how it always when he and I were together.
And today, I suddenly thought, that's true. It is unlike myself to not even attempt to contact him. Especially since I miss him so much. And he seemed to at least want to keep a friendship. When I spoke to him on the phone, he said he wanted to go to lunch sometime. I think after I deleted my facebook, he probably took that as a sign of me not wanting to have anything to do with him.
And honestly, I don't right now. I think the healthiest thing is for us to keep things seperate until the hurt goes away. It has taken everything in me not to text or call. But I know it would just make me feel worse. I don't want to be that ex-girlfriend, the one that ends up at the same places just to 'conveniently' run into each other. And make him uncomfortable.
For the first time, I feel like I'm doing what's best for me in the long run, instead of what will momentarily make feel better. I'm kind of proud of myself. I didn't think I was being strong at all, but maybe there is a tiny bit of strength left in me after all.
Anyway, off for a weekend trip with some friends. It will be nice to get away and be distracted. I am keeping my journal with me, I know there are going to be plenty of reasons to write.
As I was speaking to The Ex yesterday. He had asked me if I had talked to The DJ at all. I told him that we spoke briefly on the phone. And we exchanged words on Facebook before I deleted it. But after that, nothing.
He seemed surprised by this. He said that usually within a day or two, I would be begging him to get back together with me. That was how it always when he and I were together.
And today, I suddenly thought, that's true. It is unlike myself to not even attempt to contact him. Especially since I miss him so much. And he seemed to at least want to keep a friendship. When I spoke to him on the phone, he said he wanted to go to lunch sometime. I think after I deleted my facebook, he probably took that as a sign of me not wanting to have anything to do with him.
And honestly, I don't right now. I think the healthiest thing is for us to keep things seperate until the hurt goes away. It has taken everything in me not to text or call. But I know it would just make me feel worse. I don't want to be that ex-girlfriend, the one that ends up at the same places just to 'conveniently' run into each other. And make him uncomfortable.
For the first time, I feel like I'm doing what's best for me in the long run, instead of what will momentarily make feel better. I'm kind of proud of myself. I didn't think I was being strong at all, but maybe there is a tiny bit of strength left in me after all.
Anyway, off for a weekend trip with some friends. It will be nice to get away and be distracted. I am keeping my journal with me, I know there are going to be plenty of reasons to write.
The Ex II 1:09 AM
Ahh, The Ex.
Reminder, he was before The DJ, before The Good Guy. He was my 6 year relationship. Very painful, tumultuous relationship. An even more painful, very long breakup. He and I struggled weekly to get along. He was very jealous, controlling, manipulative. In response to my dishonesty. He has been mentioned on this blog occasionally.
He was a great guy, but a terrible boyfriend.
He has spoken to my dad recently. My dad does upholstery, and he was in need of fixing up barstools. Words were exchanged, about me. My dad mentioned that I was jobless, and struggling. And so The Ex tried to contact me. At first I was extremely reluctant. I was still with The DJ, and I worried that it would make things complicated. And that he still might not be over the whole situation.
But, The DJ dumped me. And The Ex kept trying to get a hold of me. He wanted to know how our cat was doing. And also he wanted some advice on social networking. I still avoided it, because I was in no mood to speak with anyone really. I was, and still am drowning myself in booze.
But, today. I gave in. I called him, and immediately poured my guts out. He insisted that he come over. That it might be good to have a shoulder. And I gave in.
And it was...nice. I always love when enough time has passed, and you can speak like old friends. Talk about what has been going on. Laugh about moments shared. It's always a relief to me to not have to avoid each other. I can actually set aside bad feelings, and just talk like two human beings. He seems to be doing a lot better than when I last spoke to him. Which is an even bigger relief. I always wished him success and happiness. And he is getting there. His oldest is driving and has a boyfriend. He is friends with ex-wifes fiance. And he seems stable. We talked about our dating lives. Which was a little strange. He showed me pictures of the very young, very gorgeous girls he has been dating.
He was somewhat flirtatious, which I mentioned to him. But, sometimes when you see someone for the first time, you kind of fall back into old habits without even realizing. He slapped my butt when I walked past him, and didn't even think about it for the first few seconds. And then I kind of laughed, and asked 'Did you really just do that?'
I forgot what a sweet person he was. It's so easy to get caught up in being bitter. And maybe he has intentions that I'm not ready for. But it was really good to see him.
And so, one more on the list that I can say are still my friends. I'm kind of proud of that.
Reminder, he was before The DJ, before The Good Guy. He was my 6 year relationship. Very painful, tumultuous relationship. An even more painful, very long breakup. He and I struggled weekly to get along. He was very jealous, controlling, manipulative. In response to my dishonesty. He has been mentioned on this blog occasionally.
He was a great guy, but a terrible boyfriend.
He has spoken to my dad recently. My dad does upholstery, and he was in need of fixing up barstools. Words were exchanged, about me. My dad mentioned that I was jobless, and struggling. And so The Ex tried to contact me. At first I was extremely reluctant. I was still with The DJ, and I worried that it would make things complicated. And that he still might not be over the whole situation.
But, The DJ dumped me. And The Ex kept trying to get a hold of me. He wanted to know how our cat was doing. And also he wanted some advice on social networking. I still avoided it, because I was in no mood to speak with anyone really. I was, and still am drowning myself in booze.
But, today. I gave in. I called him, and immediately poured my guts out. He insisted that he come over. That it might be good to have a shoulder. And I gave in.
And it was...nice. I always love when enough time has passed, and you can speak like old friends. Talk about what has been going on. Laugh about moments shared. It's always a relief to me to not have to avoid each other. I can actually set aside bad feelings, and just talk like two human beings. He seems to be doing a lot better than when I last spoke to him. Which is an even bigger relief. I always wished him success and happiness. And he is getting there. His oldest is driving and has a boyfriend. He is friends with ex-wifes fiance. And he seems stable. We talked about our dating lives. Which was a little strange. He showed me pictures of the very young, very gorgeous girls he has been dating.
He was somewhat flirtatious, which I mentioned to him. But, sometimes when you see someone for the first time, you kind of fall back into old habits without even realizing. He slapped my butt when I walked past him, and didn't even think about it for the first few seconds. And then I kind of laughed, and asked 'Did you really just do that?'
I forgot what a sweet person he was. It's so easy to get caught up in being bitter. And maybe he has intentions that I'm not ready for. But it was really good to see him.
And so, one more on the list that I can say are still my friends. I'm kind of proud of that.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Hate 11:22 AM
I was feeling better yesterday. I woke feeling miserable.
I have this burning in my chest. I can't stop crying.
I keep imagining him with other girls. I know he has already been with them. One thing I know about him is that he doesn't like to be alone and wrapped up in his own thoughts. He likes distractions. And if he misses one girl, he will simply replace it with another. I hate that I know this.
I hate that I know he will barely miss me. I hate knowing that he will be better off without me.
I hate that he knows enough about me, to know that I am struggling right now. And I hate that the only thing he feels for me is pity. I don't want him to know anything about me anymore.
I can't eat, I keep drinking so I can sleep.
And for him, his life goes on like I never existed.
I have this burning in my chest. I can't stop crying.
I keep imagining him with other girls. I know he has already been with them. One thing I know about him is that he doesn't like to be alone and wrapped up in his own thoughts. He likes distractions. And if he misses one girl, he will simply replace it with another. I hate that I know this.
I hate that I know he will barely miss me. I hate knowing that he will be better off without me.
I hate that he knows enough about me, to know that I am struggling right now. And I hate that the only thing he feels for me is pity. I don't want him to know anything about me anymore.
I can't eat, I keep drinking so I can sleep.
And for him, his life goes on like I never existed.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Me 9:28 PM
So, I have spent an enormous amount of time memorizing what I love about The DJ, and what made him happy. And maybe it's about time to think about myself, and what I love. It might be healthy, yes? *shrugs*
I love spaghetti, and chips and salsa, and McDonalds. I've been told I eat like a 5 year old. But, I don't really care. To add to the immaturity, I love cartoons. Spongebob, Flapjack, Avatar, Foster's. I also love Futurama, Metalocalypse, The Venture Brothers, Fooly Cooly.
I love Tori Amos, Nine Inch Nails, Ben Folds, Beck, Mindless Self Indulgence. I have an obsession with The Smiths, and Joy Division. Morrissey and Ben Folds have helped me survive a lot of breakups. I am extremely picky about music. I haven't followed any new music in a while. I have just followed the people and bands that I love for years.
I have danced since I was 3. And it has been my passion and release as long as I can remember. Going to the club and dancing has been my happiness. Everytime I have issues or frustration, I head to the club and spend a good few hours dancing it off.
I love artwork, and sculptures. And I absolutely love interior design. I have a fascination with making a house, a home. Especially if it involves me being creative, and having a restrictive budget. Someday I hope to be an interior designer. I love retro fashion, and I've been told by my roomie that my sense of fashion is called 'grannie'. I love florals, antique hats and cloches, vintage shoes. Anything that contains any sense of history.
I love making people pretty. I wish I knew how to paint in photoshop, and I've been teaching myself photomanipulation. I also love drawing portraits. Especially retro portraits of old hollywood. I've drawn pictures of Jean Harlow, Lauren Bacall and Ginger Rogers. I don't draw very often, because I am a perfectionist, and I get easily frustrated when I'm not satisfied with the end product. I've never thought that portrait drawing made me an artist. Because it never required any creativity. I call it copying.
I love movies. I keep up with all of the upcoming films. Although I am extremely picky in what I chose to see. I love comedies, foreign and independent films. My favorite movie is Oldboy. Closely followed by SLC Punk and Amelie. I adore Roger Ebert, Patrick Stewart, Richard Dawkins, and Zach Galifianakis. I love the combination of intelligence and humor. Although humor is my weakness. If you can make me laugh, I will love you forever.
I hope that people think I am smart, and clever, and compassionate. But of course, you never really truly know what people think of you. You can only try to be the best person you can, and hope that people see it. I hope you do.
I love spaghetti, and chips and salsa, and McDonalds. I've been told I eat like a 5 year old. But, I don't really care. To add to the immaturity, I love cartoons. Spongebob, Flapjack, Avatar, Foster's. I also love Futurama, Metalocalypse, The Venture Brothers, Fooly Cooly.
I love Tori Amos, Nine Inch Nails, Ben Folds, Beck, Mindless Self Indulgence. I have an obsession with The Smiths, and Joy Division. Morrissey and Ben Folds have helped me survive a lot of breakups. I am extremely picky about music. I haven't followed any new music in a while. I have just followed the people and bands that I love for years.
I have danced since I was 3. And it has been my passion and release as long as I can remember. Going to the club and dancing has been my happiness. Everytime I have issues or frustration, I head to the club and spend a good few hours dancing it off.
I love artwork, and sculptures. And I absolutely love interior design. I have a fascination with making a house, a home. Especially if it involves me being creative, and having a restrictive budget. Someday I hope to be an interior designer. I love retro fashion, and I've been told by my roomie that my sense of fashion is called 'grannie'. I love florals, antique hats and cloches, vintage shoes. Anything that contains any sense of history.
I love making people pretty. I wish I knew how to paint in photoshop, and I've been teaching myself photomanipulation. I also love drawing portraits. Especially retro portraits of old hollywood. I've drawn pictures of Jean Harlow, Lauren Bacall and Ginger Rogers. I don't draw very often, because I am a perfectionist, and I get easily frustrated when I'm not satisfied with the end product. I've never thought that portrait drawing made me an artist. Because it never required any creativity. I call it copying.
I love movies. I keep up with all of the upcoming films. Although I am extremely picky in what I chose to see. I love comedies, foreign and independent films. My favorite movie is Oldboy. Closely followed by SLC Punk and Amelie. I adore Roger Ebert, Patrick Stewart, Richard Dawkins, and Zach Galifianakis. I love the combination of intelligence and humor. Although humor is my weakness. If you can make me laugh, I will love you forever.
I hope that people think I am smart, and clever, and compassionate. But of course, you never really truly know what people think of you. You can only try to be the best person you can, and hope that people see it. I hope you do.
Responsibility 4:56 AM
I just keep writing and writing. I can't stop. My thoughts are swirling with a million things I want to say to everyone.
I am sluggish. I find myself walking slower, even typing slower. I'm kind of losing faith. It isn't just the breakup. It's these entire past 3 months that have been piling it on. Everyone says 'when it rains, it pours'. But it seems a little ridiculous at this point.
And so I have to question it logically. It all could have been prevented. I need to take responsibility for the pitfalls in my life.
I had a great job for 3 years. Something I loved to do. And I probably could have continued there if I had worked harder. But I met The DJ, and his schedule was different than mine. I would stay at his place, and he would keep me up until all hours. He made me happy, and he was always excited to have me around. Again, not placing blame, I just made a choice. And it was obviously the wrong one. I would show up late because I had been up all night. And my performance was terrible because of how tired I was. And so, they let me go. I will say that towards the end, they gave me a review, and told me what to improve on. It seemed they were giving me a second chance. And I was not about to fuck it up. But they fired me two days after the review.
I was going to get decent unemployment. But my work decided to appeal the decision. This was very upsetting to me, because I worked really hard at my job. I was the only one willing to work overtime when it wasn't required. And it seemed like a huge betrayal. So for two months I didn't have any means of income while the appeals process was going through. In the end, it was still decided in my favor, because my employers were being obviously shady. But the damage had been done. I kept up on my rent, because I didn't want my roomie to have to stress. I even lied about not having a job, because The DJ had told me not to bother her with this information. It would just upset her. But my car payments got extremely far behind.
And so, as time passed, the company that financed my car lost patience. I have already paid for the car, but finance charges and late fees brought me up to almost 10,000 dollars more than what I agreed to pay. So, I have decided to drive it until they take it. And so I am constant fear of walking to my car and it not being there anymore. To add to the stress, I have an outstanding ticket I have not been able to clear up. Not to mention outstanding parking tickets from last spring, because I couldn't afford to get my car registered. And so I have a warrant. I could go on about the car issues, but I won't.
Then, I lost my part-time job. Something I was able to do at home. It wasn't any fault of my own at least. He just decided to stop investing time in his business. And I at least got a decent laptop out of it.
Soon after, my roomie found out I didn't have a job. And so she told me that after our lease was up, she would want to find her own place. Completely understandable. I told her that I had two more months of unemployment, so she wouldn't have to hurry to find her own place. But, as said in the previous post, she couldn't handle our differing sleep schedules. I had talked to my parents about moving in with them after The DJ broke up with me. They were very insistent that I leave this entire scene, and start anew. But, I hated the idea of always having to fall back on that. I was clinging to my independence. But, right now. Maybe a fresh start isn't so bad.
I look back at all of this, and it's so easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for myself. But honestly, it could have been avoided. And now, I face some serious, life changing decisions. I am heartbroken, and pretty much devastated right now in terms of how my life is, and how I always expected it to be. But I have an amazing support system.
My parents.
I couldn't be luckier that I have them. And that they still love and support me through all the bad decisions I've made. And even my oldest friends have been coming out of the woodworks to be encouraging. I don't usually believe in luck. But goddamn, I lucked out with them. I hope they feel the same about me. If only I chose my men like I choose my friends. I would be so much happier.
Also, to those of you who have taken the time to read this blog, friends and strangers. Thank you so, so much. When I get caught up in a relationship, I spend all of my time taking care of him, and I become less supportive of my friends than I should be. I appreciate you sticking around and showing me your love more than anything.
I am sluggish. I find myself walking slower, even typing slower. I'm kind of losing faith. It isn't just the breakup. It's these entire past 3 months that have been piling it on. Everyone says 'when it rains, it pours'. But it seems a little ridiculous at this point.
And so I have to question it logically. It all could have been prevented. I need to take responsibility for the pitfalls in my life.
I had a great job for 3 years. Something I loved to do. And I probably could have continued there if I had worked harder. But I met The DJ, and his schedule was different than mine. I would stay at his place, and he would keep me up until all hours. He made me happy, and he was always excited to have me around. Again, not placing blame, I just made a choice. And it was obviously the wrong one. I would show up late because I had been up all night. And my performance was terrible because of how tired I was. And so, they let me go. I will say that towards the end, they gave me a review, and told me what to improve on. It seemed they were giving me a second chance. And I was not about to fuck it up. But they fired me two days after the review.
I was going to get decent unemployment. But my work decided to appeal the decision. This was very upsetting to me, because I worked really hard at my job. I was the only one willing to work overtime when it wasn't required. And it seemed like a huge betrayal. So for two months I didn't have any means of income while the appeals process was going through. In the end, it was still decided in my favor, because my employers were being obviously shady. But the damage had been done. I kept up on my rent, because I didn't want my roomie to have to stress. I even lied about not having a job, because The DJ had told me not to bother her with this information. It would just upset her. But my car payments got extremely far behind.
And so, as time passed, the company that financed my car lost patience. I have already paid for the car, but finance charges and late fees brought me up to almost 10,000 dollars more than what I agreed to pay. So, I have decided to drive it until they take it. And so I am constant fear of walking to my car and it not being there anymore. To add to the stress, I have an outstanding ticket I have not been able to clear up. Not to mention outstanding parking tickets from last spring, because I couldn't afford to get my car registered. And so I have a warrant. I could go on about the car issues, but I won't.
Then, I lost my part-time job. Something I was able to do at home. It wasn't any fault of my own at least. He just decided to stop investing time in his business. And I at least got a decent laptop out of it.
Soon after, my roomie found out I didn't have a job. And so she told me that after our lease was up, she would want to find her own place. Completely understandable. I told her that I had two more months of unemployment, so she wouldn't have to hurry to find her own place. But, as said in the previous post, she couldn't handle our differing sleep schedules. I had talked to my parents about moving in with them after The DJ broke up with me. They were very insistent that I leave this entire scene, and start anew. But, I hated the idea of always having to fall back on that. I was clinging to my independence. But, right now. Maybe a fresh start isn't so bad.
I look back at all of this, and it's so easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for myself. But honestly, it could have been avoided. And now, I face some serious, life changing decisions. I am heartbroken, and pretty much devastated right now in terms of how my life is, and how I always expected it to be. But I have an amazing support system.
My parents.
I couldn't be luckier that I have them. And that they still love and support me through all the bad decisions I've made. And even my oldest friends have been coming out of the woodworks to be encouraging. I don't usually believe in luck. But goddamn, I lucked out with them. I hope they feel the same about me. If only I chose my men like I choose my friends. I would be so much happier.
Also, to those of you who have taken the time to read this blog, friends and strangers. Thank you so, so much. When I get caught up in a relationship, I spend all of my time taking care of him, and I become less supportive of my friends than I should be. I appreciate you sticking around and showing me your love more than anything.
Deleted 4:26 AM
After not being strong enough to not look at his posts, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. It hurts too damn much to see that he is hooking up with girls. Even if I delete him, I see his friends posting about things. And so, done with that for a while.
Also, at 4:30 in the morning, my roomie told me she doesn't want to live with me anymore. I fall asleep with shows on, because the noise comforts me. And I guess it was too loud. So, it looks like I will be moving back in with my parents.
I keep telling myself that things can only get better. But it just isn't working out that way. I can't figure out if I should just disappear or not. What would be the best option for me? I need friends, but I'm not brave enough to bother anyone in my worst moments.
I'm not giving up yet.
Also, at 4:30 in the morning, my roomie told me she doesn't want to live with me anymore. I fall asleep with shows on, because the noise comforts me. And I guess it was too loud. So, it looks like I will be moving back in with my parents.
I keep telling myself that things can only get better. But it just isn't working out that way. I can't figure out if I should just disappear or not. What would be the best option for me? I need friends, but I'm not brave enough to bother anyone in my worst moments.
I'm not giving up yet.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Trivialities 8:24 PM
"Little things, used to mean so much to Shelly. I used to think they were kind of trivial. . . believe me, nothing is trivial." - The Crow
Some of you that actually know me will probably laugh at my choice of quotes. I was obsessed with that movie growing up. I still have the entire thing memorized to this day. I watched it again recently, after not seeing it for many years. It is extremely cheesy, and there is some bad acting. But I still actually cried watching it. The reason I loved it so much, was because of how much he loved her. He would go through anything to avenge her, because of that unquestionable love. Him remembering every special moment, every movement, every breath. When you lose something, it becomes very romanticised in your head. It becomes kind of a death. At least in my mind.
And so, everywhere I go, I catch myself getting upset over the tiny things that remind me of him. I was at the grocery store, and I kept getting choked up because of soy sauce. I would say to myself 'Oh, he loved putting soy sauce in everything.' 'Shit, he loved chicken wings.' 'Oh man, sandwiches were his favorite.'
The roomie wanted to go to a particular restaurant The DJ and I frequented. Right before he dumped me, we went there 4 days in a row. And I just couldn't. I feel retarded, but I know everyone shares something special with their significant other. Every couple has their 'thing'. Unfortunately, we had a lot of 'things'. And although they seem so trivial, and I feel stupid for dwelling on them. That's what I've always loved about relationships. Those little things you shared together. They mean everything to me.
Soon enough, I won't think about them as much. I won't think about him as much. But, right now I'm on the internet. And even that was our 'thing'. There is just no escape.
Some of you that actually know me will probably laugh at my choice of quotes. I was obsessed with that movie growing up. I still have the entire thing memorized to this day. I watched it again recently, after not seeing it for many years. It is extremely cheesy, and there is some bad acting. But I still actually cried watching it. The reason I loved it so much, was because of how much he loved her. He would go through anything to avenge her, because of that unquestionable love. Him remembering every special moment, every movement, every breath. When you lose something, it becomes very romanticised in your head. It becomes kind of a death. At least in my mind.
And so, everywhere I go, I catch myself getting upset over the tiny things that remind me of him. I was at the grocery store, and I kept getting choked up because of soy sauce. I would say to myself 'Oh, he loved putting soy sauce in everything.' 'Shit, he loved chicken wings.' 'Oh man, sandwiches were his favorite.'
The roomie wanted to go to a particular restaurant The DJ and I frequented. Right before he dumped me, we went there 4 days in a row. And I just couldn't. I feel retarded, but I know everyone shares something special with their significant other. Every couple has their 'thing'. Unfortunately, we had a lot of 'things'. And although they seem so trivial, and I feel stupid for dwelling on them. That's what I've always loved about relationships. Those little things you shared together. They mean everything to me.
Soon enough, I won't think about them as much. I won't think about him as much. But, right now I'm on the internet. And even that was our 'thing'. There is just no escape.
Day 6 4:14 PM
I have gone through two half gallons of alcohol. I guess that is pretty damn self-destructive and overly dramatic. Why is this one so hard?
Last night I hung out with one of my oldest friends. The Drummer. I went to a house party, and hung out with a lot of people I didn't know. Except of course, there were a few connections with The DJ. I had quite a few beers, loosened up and had a pretty good time.
I've know The Drummer for about 15 years. He is the younger brother of my first boyfriend. I have kept in touch with the both of them, and I adore them. About a year ago, The Drummer and I had a one night kind of thing. Just kissing, but it was immediately after my long relationship with The Ex. Nothing became of it. He went on tour, and when he came back I saw him occasionally.
So, he invited me last night. And I went, knowing that there were possibilities of at least a distraction. And he slept at my house last night. Nothing physical happened, though I know it could have if I wanted. Just cuddling, which I'm comfortable with for now. But we were supposed to go to breakfast with his friends the next day, and suddenly I just felt sick. I just asked if I could drop him off.
This lingering feeling of loss is making it impossible for me to function. It's still just too soon.
The DJ messaged me today. Asking what I have been up to. And of course, because I am intoxicated I spout off. I don't understand why he even cares. I see his stupid posts on facebook, and I tell him I hate seeing that he is having the time of his life right now. And all he keeps saying is 'I'm sorry.'
Last night I hung out with one of my oldest friends. The Drummer. I went to a house party, and hung out with a lot of people I didn't know. Except of course, there were a few connections with The DJ. I had quite a few beers, loosened up and had a pretty good time.
I've know The Drummer for about 15 years. He is the younger brother of my first boyfriend. I have kept in touch with the both of them, and I adore them. About a year ago, The Drummer and I had a one night kind of thing. Just kissing, but it was immediately after my long relationship with The Ex. Nothing became of it. He went on tour, and when he came back I saw him occasionally.
So, he invited me last night. And I went, knowing that there were possibilities of at least a distraction. And he slept at my house last night. Nothing physical happened, though I know it could have if I wanted. Just cuddling, which I'm comfortable with for now. But we were supposed to go to breakfast with his friends the next day, and suddenly I just felt sick. I just asked if I could drop him off.
This lingering feeling of loss is making it impossible for me to function. It's still just too soon.
The DJ messaged me today. Asking what I have been up to. And of course, because I am intoxicated I spout off. I don't understand why he even cares. I see his stupid posts on facebook, and I tell him I hate seeing that he is having the time of his life right now. And all he keeps saying is 'I'm sorry.'
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Needs 2:49 PM
I know, I have been posting a lot. But I have a lot of time on my hands, and so I have been thinking a lot. I really don't talk much to my friends. I don't like to. I feel like people have enough issues and stresses in their lives to hear about mine. And so I feel guilty rambling about my heartbreak.
My roomie, who happens to be The DJ's best friend, has talked to me a little. She told me that I shouldn't be so self-destructive. I have managed to stay drunk for pretty much the past 4 days straight. It helps my anxiety, and the constant pain in my chest. I told her that I realize I am being dramatic. It's just my way of coping for the moment. With no job, I have no means of distraction. And so numbness is just what I need right now.
And so is this blog.
When my relationships end, I have a tendency to dwell on the things I will be missing out on. All the wonderful moments shared, are no longer. The late night trips for snacks at the grocery store. Sitting on the bed, surfing the internets together. His hands rubbing against my back every so often. Sharing a flask at the movies. Oh, man there were a lot of good things with this one.
But, I forget all the hurt. The heartbreak. The reasons I should probably be glad that is over sooner than later. I see a post on Facebook about how he has had an amazingly fun time these past two days. While I drown myself in rum, and wadded tissues are scattered across my bed. Mascara has been completely useless, and kind of painful. My eyes are swollen.
And I mutter out loud 'I hate you'. Right now, I am remembering how I hated that you wouldn't even look at me when I was leaving. I am angry at how selfish you are. How you knew that I would do anything for you, knowing that you would never love or care about anyone more than you loved yourself. You took advantage of that. And to make me feel like it was my fault that the relationship is ending. You said I didn't try hard enough to find a job, or that I didn't try hard enough to lose weight. You couldn't admit that you just wanted to be single. Or that now it's summer, and you have your own means of transportation, and you don't need me anymore. Not to mention the lies you told me. Conveniently surfacing from your close friends. Maybe that's a harsh accusation. But yours were just as harsh.
I need to hate you right now. I don't want to.
My roomie, who happens to be The DJ's best friend, has talked to me a little. She told me that I shouldn't be so self-destructive. I have managed to stay drunk for pretty much the past 4 days straight. It helps my anxiety, and the constant pain in my chest. I told her that I realize I am being dramatic. It's just my way of coping for the moment. With no job, I have no means of distraction. And so numbness is just what I need right now.
And so is this blog.
When my relationships end, I have a tendency to dwell on the things I will be missing out on. All the wonderful moments shared, are no longer. The late night trips for snacks at the grocery store. Sitting on the bed, surfing the internets together. His hands rubbing against my back every so often. Sharing a flask at the movies. Oh, man there were a lot of good things with this one.
But, I forget all the hurt. The heartbreak. The reasons I should probably be glad that is over sooner than later. I see a post on Facebook about how he has had an amazingly fun time these past two days. While I drown myself in rum, and wadded tissues are scattered across my bed. Mascara has been completely useless, and kind of painful. My eyes are swollen.
And I mutter out loud 'I hate you'. Right now, I am remembering how I hated that you wouldn't even look at me when I was leaving. I am angry at how selfish you are. How you knew that I would do anything for you, knowing that you would never love or care about anyone more than you loved yourself. You took advantage of that. And to make me feel like it was my fault that the relationship is ending. You said I didn't try hard enough to find a job, or that I didn't try hard enough to lose weight. You couldn't admit that you just wanted to be single. Or that now it's summer, and you have your own means of transportation, and you don't need me anymore. Not to mention the lies you told me. Conveniently surfacing from your close friends. Maybe that's a harsh accusation. But yours were just as harsh.
I need to hate you right now. I don't want to.
Drunken Postings III 12:48 AM
I went to see my Mom and Dad today. I went to take pictures of my sister's kids as a surprise for her for her birthday. She has 3 beautiful children. Her and her husband got married very young. I think she was 19. Around 20 , I remember her saying that they were trying for kids. I wanted to kill her. I remember when she first told me when she was pregnant. I specifically remember saying 'You're joking, right?'
I look back and feel awful about that reaction. She was my little sis. I thought at the time it was just way too soon. I was so damn protective of her. She is my only sibling. Even though she spent a lot of her adolescence hating me. I adored her. I would do anything for her. My mom always would say how I was so protective of her when growing up. She was a spoiled little shit, but mainly because I would let her have her way, all the time. She hated losing, and so I would let her win. I would want the doll with the blue dress, but if she even mentioned wanting it, I would give it up just so she would be happy. I even remember watching soap operas with her and the babysitter, and we had a game where we would call which boys we would get. Of course, everyone called the hunky Justin, but my sister was insistent that he was hers, and I was stuck with eye-patch Steven. Oh, man I'm rambling. Where was I going with this?
Oh yes. My little sis, she has the life that I never thought I wanted. And for a while, I warmed up to it. The idea of having a little family.
But with The DJ, it was impossible. He didn't like the idea of marriage. He definitely didn't want kids. And because I loved him so much, I convinced myself that I didn't want it either. I still don't know what I want.
But tonight, hanging out with my parents. They have been together for 30 years! They got married at 17 and 18, my mom pregnant with me. I asked my Dad a long time ago if they got married because of me. And he said no. That they were already planning on getting married, I just sped up the process.
And these days, I see so many young people getting divorces, sometimes more than one. With kids. And I wonder, is it even possible to have what my parents, and even my grand-parents had? Is this generation just so distracted and selfish that the possibility of having that 30th anniversary, or even 50th? Does it have to do with religion, or is it generational?
I feel so old-fashioned in wanting that. I'm not the type of person to want to move on to new things constantly. I like stability, I like to know that I have the person I trust and love more than anyone by my side all the time. Is that too much to ask?
I worry for my sister, and I hope more than anything that she's happy. And I hope that her relationship lasts. As liberal as I am, I like the idea of marriage. I feel like it should give people a reason to fight for each other. I like the idea of coming out on the other end loving each other even more. Am I naive in thinking that exists?
I look back and feel awful about that reaction. She was my little sis. I thought at the time it was just way too soon. I was so damn protective of her. She is my only sibling. Even though she spent a lot of her adolescence hating me. I adored her. I would do anything for her. My mom always would say how I was so protective of her when growing up. She was a spoiled little shit, but mainly because I would let her have her way, all the time. She hated losing, and so I would let her win. I would want the doll with the blue dress, but if she even mentioned wanting it, I would give it up just so she would be happy. I even remember watching soap operas with her and the babysitter, and we had a game where we would call which boys we would get. Of course, everyone called the hunky Justin, but my sister was insistent that he was hers, and I was stuck with eye-patch Steven. Oh, man I'm rambling. Where was I going with this?
Oh yes. My little sis, she has the life that I never thought I wanted. And for a while, I warmed up to it. The idea of having a little family.
But with The DJ, it was impossible. He didn't like the idea of marriage. He definitely didn't want kids. And because I loved him so much, I convinced myself that I didn't want it either. I still don't know what I want.
But tonight, hanging out with my parents. They have been together for 30 years! They got married at 17 and 18, my mom pregnant with me. I asked my Dad a long time ago if they got married because of me. And he said no. That they were already planning on getting married, I just sped up the process.
And these days, I see so many young people getting divorces, sometimes more than one. With kids. And I wonder, is it even possible to have what my parents, and even my grand-parents had? Is this generation just so distracted and selfish that the possibility of having that 30th anniversary, or even 50th? Does it have to do with religion, or is it generational?
I feel so old-fashioned in wanting that. I'm not the type of person to want to move on to new things constantly. I like stability, I like to know that I have the person I trust and love more than anyone by my side all the time. Is that too much to ask?
I worry for my sister, and I hope more than anything that she's happy. And I hope that her relationship lasts. As liberal as I am, I like the idea of marriage. I feel like it should give people a reason to fight for each other. I like the idea of coming out on the other end loving each other even more. Am I naive in thinking that exists?
Friday, June 4, 2010
Moments 8:58 PM
As I lie here, in my own bed. More times than I have in the past few months. I look at my kitty, sleeping so peacefully.
I get caught up in which way I'm supposed to be laying. I usually sleep on my right side, with my arm raised above my head, and one leg up. I used to move as close as I could to the edge of the bed, so you had plenty of room. You, with your pillow in between the both of us. I used to hate that pillow separating us. But it became the norm, and as everyone knows, eventually the norm becomes comfort.
Before you would fall asleep, you would run your fingers through the back of my hair while you were still looking on the internet. I always waited for this. I was always awake when you did it. And our feet would rub against each others. It was something that I waited for at the end of the night, every night.
Sometimes you would scratch my legs with your toenails, and poke my eye while I was sleeping. I would always get upset, but you knew that I loved the attention. You would always say that someday you are going to miss me annoying you. And I do.
You would speak to me long after I had fallen asleep. Some random video you had seen, or some strange fact you had just found out. And I would ask the next day why you would wake me up for such things. And your response was always 'I was bored.'
It has only been two days, and you were right. Everything you did to annoy me, to get my attention. I miss it. More than anything.
I know this is an extremely personal thing to post. And I'm sure I will regret it. But, for the moment, I need people to know, set aside all the drama, the hearsay. Lies something so simple, and yet so complicated. Something that I wish would disappear, and something that I hope never goes away. Those teeny tiny moments that will be part of me for the rest of my life. I will never let them go.
Never.
I get caught up in which way I'm supposed to be laying. I usually sleep on my right side, with my arm raised above my head, and one leg up. I used to move as close as I could to the edge of the bed, so you had plenty of room. You, with your pillow in between the both of us. I used to hate that pillow separating us. But it became the norm, and as everyone knows, eventually the norm becomes comfort.
Before you would fall asleep, you would run your fingers through the back of my hair while you were still looking on the internet. I always waited for this. I was always awake when you did it. And our feet would rub against each others. It was something that I waited for at the end of the night, every night.
Sometimes you would scratch my legs with your toenails, and poke my eye while I was sleeping. I would always get upset, but you knew that I loved the attention. You would always say that someday you are going to miss me annoying you. And I do.
You would speak to me long after I had fallen asleep. Some random video you had seen, or some strange fact you had just found out. And I would ask the next day why you would wake me up for such things. And your response was always 'I was bored.'
It has only been two days, and you were right. Everything you did to annoy me, to get my attention. I miss it. More than anything.
I know this is an extremely personal thing to post. And I'm sure I will regret it. But, for the moment, I need people to know, set aside all the drama, the hearsay. Lies something so simple, and yet so complicated. Something that I wish would disappear, and something that I hope never goes away. Those teeny tiny moments that will be part of me for the rest of my life. I will never let them go.
Never.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I knew this day would come 2:58 PM
Sooner or later, I did.
Things have been hard, I can't find a damn job. I'm going to lose my car. And because of these things, I have been extremely depressed.
And The DJ broke up with me because of that.
He said we are going completely different directions in life. He got a nice job at the strip club. He's making a ton of money. And I'm on the down swing. And he says I make him sad. He said he had been thinking about it for a long time.
And I am sad. But, I had him. And the one thing I was good at was taking care of him. I am sad, because we got along so well. I had so much fun with him. He made me laugh. I had so many plans, I had figured out some awesome things for his birthday. And no more...it's over.
But I will not fret too much. Because I know it's going to change. And things can only get better.
And I know I will find that someone. I know I will.
If you're out there, come find me.
(I have chosen to publish posts from months past. I kept writing as a means to vent.)
Things have been hard, I can't find a damn job. I'm going to lose my car. And because of these things, I have been extremely depressed.
And The DJ broke up with me because of that.
He said we are going completely different directions in life. He got a nice job at the strip club. He's making a ton of money. And I'm on the down swing. And he says I make him sad. He said he had been thinking about it for a long time.
And I am sad. But, I had him. And the one thing I was good at was taking care of him. I am sad, because we got along so well. I had so much fun with him. He made me laugh. I had so many plans, I had figured out some awesome things for his birthday. And no more...it's over.
But I will not fret too much. Because I know it's going to change. And things can only get better.
And I know I will find that someone. I know I will.
If you're out there, come find me.
(I have chosen to publish posts from months past. I kept writing as a means to vent.)
