'Now I poured my heart out, it evaporated...see?'
I deleted my last post, because it was all just trivial bullshit. Phone calls, texts, Facebook. Day to day things that mean nothing. And I don't need to remember them.
There are better things I could be writing about. More important things.
I keep watching Ben Folds 'Evaporated' over and over. And I just keep crying. I listen to this song after every heartbreak. Maybe it's not the best thing to watch, but I just keep doing it.
I went through and organized all the old pictures, so I didn't have to see them everytime I had to browse for something. And so, I continued to organize. And found an old document that he wrote on Reddit about us falling in love. I saved it, because it was the most amazing thing ever. It's a little too personal to post here. But, it talked about how falling in love feels like the both of us against the world.
And I just completely broke down.
I have no understanding of going from that, to talking about getting blow jobs on Facebook. I understand that people's feeling change. But because of it happening so quickly, I feel like I was lied to.
And so I start to question if unconditional love is even a possibility. I know I spoke about my parents relationship. But is that just tolerating each other, or just comfort? What is it? What makes it so damn important?
Why is it so important to me?
I have told every person that I've ever been with, the only thing I want or need in life, is to have someone love me as much as I love them. That's it.
It seems like the most simple thing on the planet. But everyone's feelings change so rapidly. I can't keep up.
At this moment. After thinking I had found a partner. Someone that I had so much in common with, someone who I got along with so well, I never fought with. Someone who I believed so much that he loved me as equally. And now, nothing.
Right now, I just give up.
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Being Single in the SLC
2 comments:
Take my thoughts for what they're worth here, based on my own experience on both sides of these things. Feel free to ignore it if you think it's bullshit, as it just might be. :)
There is nothing more difficult that that sudden "snap" of a collapsing relationship. It's so confusing and heart-rending and awful...
But then we grow from it. We become better, smarter people. We get to know OURSELVES better. It takes a while. Fuck knows it's hard to see an ex's developing relationships or rebounds. For me, it was easier to not see it at all... But in the long run, you'll make it through this, and you'll be all the better for it! :)
It sounds like you're honest with yourself about what you want, what you need, and what you expect of yourself and those you're in a relationship with. That's good. Focus on your other relationships: build up your friendships and acquaintances. It may seem like you're just distracting yourself -- and in part you are -- but it might help you rebuild a new foundation for the next phase of your life that is not dependent on another person. That way, when the right person DOES come along, you can ADD to that foundation, rather than replace it, if that makes sense.
greenishblue, very well said. teish, take his/her advice.
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