The Risk 2:49 PM

My room is a complete disaster because I have not been here at all. It's a whirlwind of coming and going. I haven't spent a single night here for about 2 weeks. I come in, get ready, and leave. I have been spending every moment I can with The DJ.

I wish I stopped and wrote more about the happy moments. And seriously, there have been more than not lately. But I think, for me, misery inspires me. Or maybe I just don't like to be cheesy and write about all the sweet moments. It's really sad, because those are the moments I want to remember most. And I will probably look back on this relationship and only see the bad.

Things have been good. I am still extremely cautious. And only because I keep finding things to re-inforce that cautiousness. I generally am very good at ignoring bad signs, and float along ignorant. But after the last relationship, I have kept my eyes open. I hate that, it goes completely against my nature. But I can't help myself anymore, I don't have time to waste. I don't mean that in the sense of getting old. I just look back on the time I wasted on people who were obviously not right for me, and I chose to ignore it.

So, as he goes to use the bathroom, what would any insecure girl do? Glance at the messages left on his computer. That's what I did. And there are flirtatious messages with girls I wouldn't even expect he would show the slightest interest in. 'Miss you' is something that struck me badly. In order to miss someone, wouldn't you have had to spend some time with them? And we have spent so much time together, when the hell did he have time to fit her in? It just boggles my mind.

This girl comments on every post he makes on facebook. And at first I joked about it. Thinking this was just some innocent crush that she might have on him. But I saw that he was messaging her. And suddenly it wasn't just some stupid girl pining for his attention. He was giving it back. I kind of called him on it. I told him that I know he liked this girl. Of course he denied it. But, just randomly as I was leaving the conversation went like this.

Me: 'I know why you like this girl.'

Him: 'Why?'

Me: 'Because she strokes your ego. She pays attention to every word you say, and you love that.'

Him: 'That is true, I do like attention. I don't want to fuck her if that's what you are saying.'

Me: 'No, I am saying that you like her, and you like the attention she gives you.'

Him: 'Well, it's been a long time since anyone has had a crush on me. And I like that.'

This brings up the awful crush word. I hate crushes, in every sense of the word. They have always been destructive in my life. So, to him it seems like just an innocent thing. But when you are in a relationship, and you are conversing with said crush behind my back, it doesn't seem so innocent to me anymore. Little hearts and miss you messages sent back and forth are just too much. And I think he knows that. So why is it so easy for him to risk something that he claims is special, and risk losing someone that he claims to care about and love? Well, the obvious answer to most anyone in this situation is maybe he doesn't.

What does he have to gain from a crush that I haven't already given him and then some? I pine over every word he says. I go out of my way to do nice things and take care of him. I have so much more to offer, and I've given him even more that that. So what is it about crushes that makes it worth risking everything you say you want?

Drunken Postings II 7:19 PM

This one is going to be a doozy. I am drinking to calm the anxiety. The truth for me is generally awful, and avoid it.

I have this flaw. I trust people before they even have to earn it. Even after they have violate it, it remains in tact. It takes so much energy for me to not trust someone. When my instincts scream at me to run away, I ignore it.

I have come across some things that should make run screaming from The DJ. Things that would be so bad to a normal person. I know I am going to get hurt.

I know it.

And I can't pull myself away. And I don't have the guts to call him on it. Because I don't want to seem like a drama queen. How retarded is that. I would rather suffer than seem like a typical girl. Why do I do this to myself?

Because I truly love him. I really do. I hate admitting that even after everything I've already been through with him. After I told myself that I was not going to go through the same routine. And that is exactly what I am doing. I am going to completely sacrifice my own sanity, my whole self to someone who probably doesn't even appreciate me. Who would dump my ass in a heartbeat if he thought there was any slight chance of being with his ex-girlfriend.

And I won't say a goddamn word.

Remember... 12:47 PM

I have a terrible memory, and this little blog is not only a way to express my joy, frustrations and experiences with dating. But also to document important moments.

I debate on if I should be sharing such personal, and special moments with people. Things become kind of sacred when you like someone. Should I just have my own personal journal in these cases, so I can remember them? Maybe.

I don't know, I secretly hope that when I do find someone to spend my life with. This blog can be my love letter to them. And so in that case, I want them to see and remember every emotion and moment.

Ugh...

I guess I will just say that The DJ said something completely unexpected last night. We were actually having a serious conversation, which is rare for him. We had decided to tell each other what the others' weaknesses were. In a normal relationship this would be bad. But he and I are very good at understanding our flaws, and it takes a lot to upset or offend the other. I won't give the dirty details. This turned to him expressing his love for me. There were a lot of very sweet things said. But, the one that caught me was he said he thinks this is the end of the line for him. It took me a minute to understand what that meant. But, I think it meant a lot for him to say that.

I really still don't know what is going to happen between the two of us. We both still have a lot of things to work through. But I really do love being with him. And that's enough for me right now.

The Right Girl 8:49 PM

I must be pre-menstrual. I put on The Smiths and immediately bust out crying. Sorry fot the details, but I honestly don't care.

How do I start this one out. I had talked previously about how I am somewhat not completely against the idea of getting married and having kids. I'm open about it. Obviously, I don't really mention this to the people I have been going out with. Because it's way too soon. Except The DJ.

Oh.

Have I mentioned I'm kind of seeing The DJ again. I think I said a little about it. He has since confessed his love for me again. He says how I'm the only girl who has pulled him back in against his will. Honestly, I didn't try to, but I think that's what lured him back in. I doubt he's ever actually dated an adult before. And so I'm sure he has had deal with a lot of drama as far as break-ups are concerned. I'm just assuming. And I loathe drama. I really just want to enjoy myself right now.

I don't know what any of this means. I am still keeping my guard up. And I am also dating other people. But I like being with him. I have fun.

Today was not good though. He says on facebook (of course) that he has never wanted to have kids or get married. But, he is starting to get that little biological alarm going off. He has asked me before if I've felt this way. And I tell him how I feel. As I read through the comments though, he says he absolutely doesn't want to do that, it just chemicals.

And I just start bawling. I'm sure it has a lot to do with my chemicals right now. But, a little bit of me is sad.

Why do I care? He is probably the last person that I would choose to have kids with. That sounds harsh, but it's true. So why this reaction?

Every girl wants to think that she is so great, that it would sway a guy to want to marry and have children. I fantasize about this guy who wouldn't think twice about wanting to settle down, until he gets involved with me. And I am so amazing, and wonderful. And all of his fears and reservations go away because he found me. The right girl. Unrealistic, yes I know.

And that's just it. That's why I take it so personally. Even though I know he's not the right guy, I still want to be the right girl. I want to be the one for somebody. Is it an ego thing? I don't know. If it is my ego, it hurts. But, I would say it's more of my stomach and chest that hurts right now.

It really seems like I haven't been the right girl for anyone. At least when it counted.

As The DJ would say 'C'est la Vie'... I've really come to hate this term.

The Game 2:25 PM

As you get further into dating, you start to realize the games involved. I knew at first that women and men, no matter how old, play games with each other. Maybe not always intentionally. And I thought I was prepared for it.

I am not.

Being with people for long periods of time, gives you this false sense of knowing a lot about the opposite sex. When really, you only know a lot about that one particular person. So, when I started dating again, I honestly thought I had it figured out. I am constantly told by guys how much they hate playing games. And they want a woman to be honest about what they want, and be the aggressor for once. And I have never been afraid to tell guys I like them, or ask them out. In fact, I prefer it.

But after these experiences, I have realized...they don't mean it.

I think I am too available. I give away too much, too soon. Once I start dating someone, I am all about making them feel special. And doing anything I can do to show them how much they mean to me. I am starting to realize most guys want a challenge. They want the chase. I don't like to put generalities on a whole gender. But I think I need to.

After hanging with the DJ a bit, he has started to express that he is still in love with me. And possibly wants to date again. I truly believe that the only reason The DJ has taken any interest in me again is because I am not a sure thing anymore. And he knows it's a possibility that I could end up with someone else. And this is where it becomes a chase. I'm not doing any of this to try to get him back. Because I know in my heart he will probably never be the right person for me. But, I'm not 18 anymore. And I get so caught up in the idea of finding the right person, I forget that it doesn't mean I can't still involve myself with anyone I choose to. As long as I don't allow myself to get hurt, why the hell not. I'm an adult for christ sake. I need to stop trying so hard, and enjoy myself. Am I just trying to justify wanting to hang out with him? Maybe, probably. But I'm tired of trying to force myself to do things or not do things. It becomes extremely stressful.

I take on so many different philosophies, as to try to not let myself get hurt. But pain is all part of the process. And I can fight it and be miserable and anxious constantly. But I think maybe I'm going to try and just enjoy the ride.

So a small update. I wussed out with The Emo Boy. All because he wanted to hang at a bar with some friends. And I am still struggling with this whole hanging out, instead of actual dates. But I think I might just have to let that go. It seems to be the way dating goes these days. Or maybe it's just an age thing. I don't know. I apologized and asked if he would still want to hang sometime.

He said yes.

Out and About 10:47 AM

Well, this week has been interesting.

Bear with me people, in an effort to remember more of this whole experience, I'm being way more specific. For my own benefit, so I'm sorry if it gets boring.

I still have not heard back from The Cyclist. I have asked a ton of people advice, since I would handle the situation very differently. I definitely would have texted him a while back. Asking if he wanted to hang out. But I keep getting told I'm too agressive, and it might come across as desperate. UGH. So I'm told if he really wanted to hang out with me, he would have said something by now. I still think that maybe I will just shoot one text and ask him how he is. I don't see anything wrong with that. It's really hard to try and filter through all this advice and still be myself. Hopefully I can find a happy medium.

I hung out with The DJ's best friend this weekend. I absolutley fell in love with this girl after he introduced us. We are hilarious together. So after he dumped me, I told her that I still think we should hang sometimes. We had a girl's day. Lunch and shopping. It was a blast. The conversation did head towards what happened with me and The DJ. I guess they don't really talk about serious stuff. He just told her that things were over, c'est la vie. That was it. I told her that it was harder because it just doesn't seem like it affects him at all, like he doesn't care. And she said he really doesn't care about much. She also said that she thinks he really has never gotten over his ex. I told her about how we had been hanging out, and some physical things happened. And she gives me this serious look. She says 'I hope that you aren't hanging out with him cause you think he will get back together with you. Cause he won't.' And I told her that I don't want to be with him. And that is the truth. It was really nice to be able to say that and know that I mean it. It was a very insightful conversation. Depressing, but helpful.

Later that night, we decided we wanted to go out and play, and meet some boys. Some of her friends suggested Green Street. It was not great at all, and our group completely ditched us. But she wanted to stick it out there for some reason. I'm glad we did, because I did have a guy approach. Extremely cute. Calling him The Emo Boy, only because he proclaimed himself to be that. He doesn't seem emo, but he says he dresses that way. I find out he is 26...and I'm a little weary of this. I'm told I look really young, so most the guys who hit on me are younger. I haven't decided if age is an all around concern. I'm getting there though. We will see with this one. But he told me that he came to talk to me because of my piercings and he really like my style. We talked for quite a bit about music, and the bar scene. He was extremely happy about my love for The Smiths. He told me I had a beautiful smile, and I got embarrased quite a bit. This weird thing has happened after all this dating. I way more reluctant to take compliments. After so many guys telling me how pretty I am, and how perfect I am. And things completely turning upside down so quickly. I feel like they weren't sincere with what they were telling me. I kept telling him to not say nice things. That's probably something I need to get over. Anyway, numbers were exchanged. And he says he wants to hang out.

Surprisingly, he texted me this morning. And we have been texting back and forth. I'm pretty happy about that. I guess we will see.

Get it together 4:44 PM

I have realized that I am not doing what I intended with this blog.

It was supposed to be something fun, and entertaining. I wanted to document my dating experiences. And it's reading like a depressing journal of some lame teenager. Dating was supposed to be an adventure, and it's been nothing but a pain in my ass.

I wanted to actually write about the whole process. Of falling in and out of love. I want to remember everything. And I didn't write anything until it was over. From now on I will definitely not slack on the little stuff.

The hard part is getting dates though. I had that date last week with The Cyclist, and I've barely heard from him since. I don't know how to interpret that. I am so quick and aggressive, that I'm not sure if this is a normal pace. I'm so used to start dating and then wanting to talk to that person as much as possible. But I am holding back as much as I can, so I don't make the same mistakes. And then I'm worried that it might come across as me not being interested. Oh man, this is so lame.

I am still struggling with learning my lessons. In an effort to try to remain friends (which is something I always do), I have allowed myself to communicate with The DJ. It started on facebook not long after I got dumped. He made a comment on a photo. And I thanked him. Which I guess made him feel okay to start communicating. Soon enough, I found myself inviting him over to watch TV with me. Just chill and drink. It was innocent enough, and actually fun. When we are together, we get along so well. But when I took him home, he kissed me. And I let him. He apologized and went inside. I honestly don't know why I let him.

Actually yes I do. Because I love kissing. It's my weakness...my cryptonite.

I have hung out with him again since, and there was kissing again. But I am done. At first I thought it was because maybe he missed me, and he realized he had made a mistake. But it's a trap. And I usually get caught in it. He wants to go out and party, and not have to answer to anyone, or be responsible for anything. Lead the single life, but still have someone to have around for when he gets lonely. And I almost fell for it.

Almost.

I will still be friends with him, just because we have a lot of the same friends. And we hang at the same places. I hate feeling like I have to avoid somebody. But there is no way I'm going to continue to be a side piece of ass.

Anyway, I will try to lighten things up a bit. Hopefully someone asks me out, so I can make this blog the way I intended.

Decompress 12:24 AM

So...

I am in such a terrible mood.

I've been handling things pretty well considering. I guess that's maybe a sign that if I'm not completely devastated by the situation, then maybe my heart wasn't in it afterall. Or maybe I'm just starting to get used to it, maybe I'm becoming numb.

I cry a little every once and a while. But definitely not as much as I expected. I realize that if it didn't happen now, it would eventually.

I have already been on an actual date. A bicyclist whom I met...at a club. I know, I know. I don't know where the hell else to meet guys. Those are the only places I get approached. He seems nice enough though. He races bicycles, has a ton of tattoos (which I love), he does not drink, and he's a vegetarian. And he actually has a car. He asked me to go with some friends to dinner. We had Indian food, and it was an okay time. I didn't do a lot of talking. Apparently they all worked at this bicycle shop together, and The Cyclist and his buddy got laid off. So it was the main topic of conversation. He says he is not going to look for another job, and live off unemployment so he can train full time. I haven't decided if this is good or bad yet. The unfortunate side effect of going through this many relationships is I'm becoming pickier. And I hate that. He did pay for my dinner though.

After dinner, he drove me home, walked me to my door. And he said he has plans to do it again sometime. Just a hug (I didn't even kiss him, which is HUGE for me). I am definitely taking things nice and slow for a while. Let the actual dating process happen.

Tonight though. UGH! A few days ago I got in touch through facebook (where else?) with a guy I had been a few dates with a long time ago. He is extremely cute, and I was so excited to find him, and see that he was single. When I went out with him back then, I was going through a break-up, and I just couldn't focus my attention on anything else. I made the excuse that we had 'too much in common'. So lame.

We exchanged a few messages, and he told me about a decrompression party for Utah Burners. And I decided that I would go, and I would see him there. We talked a little bit. The usual conversation 'Where do you live? Where do you work?' blah blah blah. As we talk, he starts to tell me he is probably going to drop acid tonight. At first I thought he was joking, but he wasn't. And a few minutes later he sure enough drops acid. He tells me he loves to hallucinate.

DAMMIT!!

I absolutely do not date people who take drugs. I don't care if people do it, but it's just way too hard for me. I don't get drugs, I've never done them. I would have a really hard time being with anyone who is tripping constantly. So I guess that one is already out of the question. Too bad, he is really cute.

I'm just so annoyed right now.

The Inevitable 5:57 PM

So I have not updated in quite a bit. And there was a reason.

I did actually suck it up, and give the DJ a chance. I went out with him. And I had a blast. He was charming, and sweet, and most importantly hilarious. We got along perfectly. I set aside all my reservations about his lifestyle. Even after he admitted to me he was an alcoholic. But, he said he was waiting for a special someone to pull him out of it. He truly wanted someone to spend time with at home. A reason not to go out and get drunk all the time.
And I believed him.

After about a week, he had already said that he was falling for me. And only after two weeks did he confess that he WAS in love me. And honestly, looking back, I think I was in love with the idea of someone being in love with me.

You can already tell where this might be going. But, I will continue.

We spent everyday together. Laughing a lot. I didn't feel like I had to water down my personality. I am extremely crude, and honest. And he seemed to be the same way. When I start to care about someone, I want to spoil them, and take care of them. And that's exactly what I did. I would make sure he had a ride to wherever he was going, since he didn't have a car. I bought drinks for him and his friends. I left surprises at his house to let him know I was thinking about him.

This whole time he's telling me how perfect I am. And how he's had a crush on me for 10 years. What an accomplishment it was that he snagged me. He even admitted I was a trophy. Which should have been a huge red flag. I told him I wasn't sure about him seeing me as a trophy.
But I trusted him. Whole-heartedly.

He asked me if we could change our facebook status. And we did that at the same time. I was so excited about being open about having a boyfriend. I've never had that before. To be excited that I was with somebody. He went to my friends parties with me, and he seemed so proud of me. He said I was so smart, and creative, and so pretty. He had never been with anyone as pretty as me. I am so reluctant to believe these things. But it doesn't mean that I didn't like hearing them.

And a week after deciding to be exclusive.

Something changed.

He didn't invite me to places with him. He blew me off. He said he wanted to hang out with me one day. Just to say that it couldn't happen that night, but for sure tomorrow. Which happened to be my favorite holiday. Halloween.

Hasn't this exact thing happened before?

I asked him why he suddenly stopped inviting me places. And he said that it was his policy not to party with his girlfriends. His past experiences have only brought jealousy. It was strange to me, since I've been partying with him the past three weeks. And I have never acted jealous about anything. Even when some girl came up and was caressing and running her fingers
through his hair.

He shut down and didn't want to talk about it anymore. I asked him if he still wanted to hang out that night. Which happened to be Halloween.
'Yes, no, maybe...I don't know'

I ended up not hanging out with him on. Halloween. He didn't text or call. I had a fabulous night with one of my oldest friends. And happened to have a few people interested in me.

The next day he pretended like nothing happened, and I gave him the cold shoulder. I was extremely hurt. I saw on facebook that he was making grand plans with friends.
Trips out of state. Going out partying and not inviting me at all. I lost it, and went to his house. I told him how I am tired of being a girlfriend of convenience.
And how I wasn't going to continually go through the same thing. I was balling, and a complete mess. And he just looked at me coldly. He said, 'I just didn't want you around. Is that bad?'

'I do my own thing.'

At that moment I knew I had made a huge mistake. He didn't care about me at all. He didn't want to be in a relationship. I was a trophy. And the minute I stood up for myself, he couldn't handle that reality.

I spent two days barely talking to him. And I had planned on
ending the relationship.

..and he beat me to the punch.

He dumped me.

Things got 'too real for him, too fast.'
His exact words.

Lesson learned.

More Adventurous? 8:26 PM

I read with every broken heart
we should become more adventurous.

I've tried very hard most of my dating life to not be judgemental of people's situations. I never cared about how financially well off people were, or how responsible they were. I have never been an incredibly responsible person, and I've always struggled with keeping things together with jobs and bills. Who was I to look down on other people for what they struggle with?

This time around, my wants in life have changed. About a year ago, that little biological clock snuck up on me, and punched me right in the baby maker. I have started to come around to the idea of wanting a family. I'm scared to death about it still, but I feel like I'm comfortable enough with myself to feel somewhat okay about raising a little life. It took a long time to feel okay with the idea of raising a child being an atheist, especially in Utah. I mean, I wouldn't raise them atheist. I would definitely allow my child to choose whatever they wanted, as long as they were old enough to understand what they wanted. I mean, that I feel more comfortable in my own beliefs to be informative. Anyway, as I have come around to the idea of having a family, my needs in a partner have changed.

So I have been out with The DJ twice, and I know he really likes me. We have an incredible amount in common. He happens to be atheist also, which is awesome. He is cute, and sweet, and just a cool person. And I know I should like him, and things should go well. But...

He spends all day drinking and drinking. And he works occasionally DJing, and he has no car. We haven't been out on actual dates. I go to his house and drink with his friends, then we go to a bar and drink more. Don't get me wrong, I don't think any of this is bad. I was doing the exact same thing 6 years ago, I'm in no postion to judge anyone. See, I even feel terrible writing about this. He's completely happy with his life and his situation. I feel awful for not allowing myself to get attached to him for these reasons. I'm already planning my speech to him, about how he can't give me what I want in my life right now. I know that he would be in no position anytime soon to help me raise a kid. Or take care of me in anyway. Not to mention I'm trying very hard to slow down my drinking before it becomes a problem. I feel shallow for thinking these things.

I told myself that I wouldn't allow myself to get caught up in a list of reasons to not date people based on my past dating experiences. But where do you find that balance? I told myself I wouldn't date anyone going through a divorce, or anyone with kids, and by any means I wouldn't ever date anyone religious. And then the last person I dated was all three things. And I adored him. But I have to allow myself to try to avoid the stresses of trying to convince someone who's completely happy in their life, to give it all up for my needs. You're only asking for resentment. I keep telling myself I'm doing him a favor. But, it sucks, cause I might actually like him a lot. I don't want to give that speech, but I have to.

Onward Ho! 6:04 PM

As I was reading back on my last post, I noticed how short and broken my sentences were. And then I thought how interesting it was that I wrote about the situation in that way. It kind of didn't flow, and it seems to really reflect how I feel about the whole relationship. Funny...

It was good to write about it, to get it off my chest. I feel like it was definitely necessary in order to move past it. I don't feel quite over it, but I'm getting better everyday. I have my moments where I am actually looking forward to the future. And maybe I will have some real dating adventures instead of being afraid of opening myself up. In fact I am chatting with The DJ and possibly going out with him. I've decided to not be so particular about how I get to know people. So I will most likely do the bar hopping thing that I was so upset about earlier. Hehe..

Speaking of not being particular. I happened to see The Kisser at the club. I haven't told you about him. Before The Good Guy, I met The Kisser at the club (surprise). His extremely drunk friend was trying hook us up. He didn't really respond at first, but seeing him later we talked quite a bit. He was quite impressed with me after he found out that my favorite Chuck Pahlaniuk book is Survivor. And we kissed...a lot. He is an incredible kisser, hence the nickname. Anyway, at the end of the night, he and his friends invited me to come back to their place. And I had to work the next morning, so that was a no. He said he would call me. And he didn't. I got a text message the following Thursday at midnight, and at that exact moment, I was on the most incredible date with The Good Guy. So obviously I didn't respond.

So, as I was saying I saw him at the club this last week. And I spent most the night talking with him and his friends. It turns out he's an atheist, which is great. But I kind of get the feeling his only interest in me is sexual. Which I think might become a big problem dating. I did end up going back to his friends house and watched a movie with all of them. And we kissed again...a lot. Too many details? Are you disgusted yet? As I left, I completely expected to not hear from him after that. But he actually texted me the next day. Unfortunately I couldn't respond because my phone is jacked. Just my luck, someone actually shows an ounce of interest, and I can't do anything about it. So he probably think I'm not interested. *sigh*

Okay, off to bar hop. I'm not expecting anything spectacular. But you never know.

The Short Story 10:45 PM

Some love stories aren't epic novels, some are short stories
But, that doesn't make them any less filled with love.

This story isn't short, but the relationship was.

I don't know if it would be better to be in a drunken haze while writing this. I'm sure you saw from my last post that I don't hold back as much. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I like the idea of being able to grasp these emotions. Some that I try to deny to myself, just to keep my sanity. I don't really tell a lot of people how I truly feel about The Good Guy, except maybe for the roomie. And I'm sure she is tired of hearing about it.

He's my short story...

I'm going to try to avoid every single detail. Because it becomes boring. We went to high school together. He was dating a friend of mine, she was on drill team with me. I was in relationship with The Ego. He married her. I remember him, but never really talked to him at all.

Years passed by, 11 to be exact. We talked a tiny bit on facebook and twitter. We exchanged numbers and have a conversation by text message. I find out he is going through a divorce. His wife cheated on him and I am going through a break-up myself with The Ex. After a while of talking he asks me out. I warn him that I'm much different than I was in high school. I'm a sailor-mouthed, opinionated, liberal atheist. And as I remember he is a conservative mormon. He says he knows how I am, and it doesn't bother him at all.

The dates were amazing and romantic. We had an immediate connection. I have never felt that strong of connection with anyone that quickly. And he tells me the same. It was just this immediate feeling of happiness. Straight out of a chick flick. All the cheesiness and butterflies, and I loved it. We constantly told each other how smitten we were. He told me I was perfect, and he had this strange need to take care of me. And he did. Be aware this is only after about 4 dates, in the span of a week or so. We were both scared, but in a good way. Like maybe for both of us the timing was perfect. And we were both seeking something that the other could provide. He wanted some excitement in his life after being married for 9 years. I was looking for some stability after spending most of my life in constant chaos.

One night he told me that there was nothing I could tell him that would scare him. And that he had a lot of plans for me. After him saying this many times, I dropped my guard and told him I was falling for him. And he said that he was in love with me. It felt so nice.

After that night, he mentioned planning for vacations. And he took me couch shopping to get an idea for my style. He asked me what kind of ring I wanted, and what kind of wedding I wanted. And talked to me about how we would have cute kids. I have never allowed myself to think I was going to get married, because honestly none of my exes wanted to marry me. Except The Ego asked me to marry him on his mission, only to come home and say that he wasn't mentally unstable when he asked. It was so wonderful to think someone wanted to make plans with me.

I keep writing, and I'm getting too detailed. And I'm sure it's boring.

I will just skip straight to it. He got scared...

He worried I was a rebound. And wanted to slow thing down. I was fine with that. But he got more and more distanced. I would invite him places, and he would say okay, just to bail that day. Finally I decided that I didn't want to seem like a desperate, crazy girl. And I was going to let him off the hook. I asked him to call me, because I didn't feel it was right to text something like that. And shortly after, he texted me saying that he didn't want to date me anymore. Because of school and his kids. And a bunch of bullshit that had nothing to do with the situation. Because I never kept him from any of those things. I was devastated. Even if he didn't mean anything he said, I did. I really did fall in love with him, as crazy as it seems. I did...

I told him we could still be friends, no hard feelings. My desperate attempt to keep people in my life. And we still occasionally exchange comments or chat on facebook. But seeing his picture on there kills me. I feel like I lost something incredible. And I feel like I will never have a connection like I had with him. Everyone encourages me, but he was so caring and sweet. And most guys aren't like that. Man, I lost out. And I know another girl will come along. And I hope she knows how lucky she is. Because I really knew how lucky I was to spend the short amount of time I had with him. I am bitter, but not enough to hate him. I am angry that I allowed myself to think I was going to get married. I actually looked at rings and dresses. I imagined my life with someone else. Me... I hate myself for that.

I hope he knows how much I cared about him, and I still do.

Drunken Postings I 11:56 PM

I name this the first edition of my drunken ramblings.

I was going to write about The Good Guy tonight. I wanted to tell the whole story because it's still fresh on my mind. I have a terrible memory, and it might be nice to re-count things as I remember them. And not have all this haziness.

But it's still so painful. It makes me cry thinking about it.

I have to keep taking a minute to clear my eyes, so I can see what I'm typing. It's probably the alcohol. It's been two months since I fell in love with him. And it's been almost month since he fell out of love with me. I know. It was extremely quick. And I will talk about it, but I can't right now, because the bitterness is consuming. And I don't want to write negative things. I don't usually feel bitter about it. But, tonight I do.

Facebook has become such a source for my depression lately. I've tried to establish a friendship with The Good Guy, even though there is still a lot of hurt. Just because I can't imagine him not being a part of my life. So I'm basically taking what I can get. But, I am having a really hard time right now. I'm still trying to date, and it has been a huge source of stress and anxiety. Now I'm not the type of person to put specifics on facebook. But I put passing thoughts and generalities on there. And I get these constant sarcastic comments. Including some from The Good Guy. And it fucking kills me. I guess I shouldn't take anything personal, but when you put your emotions out there for your friends to see, people you care about. And all I get is these brush offs. I probably deserve it, I'm an extremely sarcastic person. But I can sense when someone might be struggling, or having a hard time. And I don't take that opportunity to make light of it. Maybe I need to take sometime away from it.

Anyway, I will write about The Good Guy, and my experiences with another guy from last night. But I'm cloudy and pissed right now. And I'm trying my best not to sound bitter.

Focus 9:42 PM

I finally got the internet at home. Although my setup is extremely uncomfortable. I don't have a desk, so I'm sitting on the floor, keyboard on my lap. My hand gets extremely cramped because the mouse is on the floor. But I'm glad that when I feel like posting, I can.

This blog is about dating, and yet I sat down and thought about it tonight. I haven't been on a single date since before I even started this blog. I was asked out by the DJ, which I mentioned in a previous post. And I chickened out. I saw him again, and he was drunk as could be. Telling me the same bullshit he told me before. Maybe it isn't bullshit, but I'm so tired of hearing the same things. It becomes part of the game. I am continually told how guys have had crushes on me for ages. Be it from high school, or from the club. I hate the crush line. Because it puts these unfair expectations on me that I can never live up to. Once they realize I'm this imperfect human, suddenly the fantasy wears off.

So, I tell the DJ that he will get over his crush. He still says he wants to go out for dinner and drinks afterward the next night. So the next night, I get a call at 10:00 saying he just got payed and asks if I would like to go bar hopping.

Now, I have problems with this. I am not so old that I don't understand the dating game. I might not like it, and I am still learning. But I think I understand the basics. But, this little proposal for bar hopping makes me feel...just old. I guess I'm just old fashioned, but how do you get to know someone bar hopping? Even if he just mentioned going for drinks, it would seem better. This is a sign to me of just wanting to get drunk and party. And I'm all about that, but not on a first date. Plus it's 10, and I'm in pajamas. So I told him I was tired, and we will have to plan on another night.

He apologized today, and asked if I wanted to come to the bar he is DJ-ing at. And you know, I'm struggling to be interested at all. Add to the fact, that since The Good Guy, I have had extreme anxiety about opening up to anyone. I really need to write about him. And everything else.

So I told the DJ that I couldn't go out tonight. And we will plan another night. The only real reason I'm considering another night is so I can at least write about an actual date on my date blog.

Anyway, much much more to catch up on. I haven't mentioned anything about The Ex yet. And that has turned out to be a never-ending story. And there is more to talk about with The Good Guy. Oh man, so much craziness. I'm telling you, being single is LAME!

The Horror 10:56 AM

My messages are filling up, and soon I will have to delete them. So I need to post this particular conversation with a gentleman who wanted to go out with me. I wouldn't usually post things like this verbatim. But this is a perfect example of the horrors of dating.


Him: What is your schedule like?

Me: Well, I told you Friday would work, but I forgot about a show I was going to. The rest of the week I work days until about 5:30

Him: What about tonight?

Me: That might work, what did you have in mind?

Him: Umm, want to come by my place? Maybe something kinky?

Me: Let me just get this straight. I take it you are only interested in sex?

Him: No. I want to hurt you a little too..Explore and see what you are made of. Be friendly and stuff. But sex is the top of my list..Is that a problem?

Me: Well, I don't do casual sex. I know how I am, and I get extremely attached. Sorry if I gave you that impression.

Him: Good to know, and you gave me the impression that you didn't sleep around. I think you and I have some chemistry though. I'd be interested in exploring it. I usually keep a few pets, and then I have Liliane, she isn't going anywhere. I'd be interested in seeing if you have pet potential.

Me: What does being a 'pet' entail?

Him: It's a dominant/submissive a night or two a week..Service, bondage, protocol.

Me: I don't think I have pet potential, but thanks for considering me.

Him: Ok. So that is a no thank you?

Me: I'm afraid so. Sorry.

The Beginning 12:33 PM

I have been in a few relationships. Most of you reading this know about them. I started dating at 16, and fell head over heels for The Goth. He's not really a goth anymore, but when I dated him he was. This was my first experience dating. He was the first person to take any interest in me. And I had no idea why he liked me at all. I was a very optimistic, sunny cheerleader. I loved school, I loved my friends. He was dark, and depressed, and well....a goth. He was in a band, and he let me play bass in his band occassionally, even though I was terrible. I have always loved the goth culture and I'm sure my attraction to him was because he was the exact opposite of me. But he was hilarious, and anyone knows the way to my heart is to make me laugh.

I was smitten by him. But, I wouldn't really say that what we were doing was dating. We hung out, watched movies and held hands. That was the extent of it. He tried to kiss me once, and I dodged it and told him I was too scared. I wish I could be more specific about this relationship, but the whole thing is a bit hazy, because it was so long ago. I don't think we were together very long. I went on vacation for a week, and when I came back, he stopped calling me. It was just like that. He didn't talk to me anymore. Of course, I was devastated. I didn't understand anything about relationships or dating. I didn't know if this was the way it worked. My diary was basically dedicated to The Goth. I wanted so much to be able to still talk to him. I didn't actually speak to him again for another 4 years. I saw him at a club, and we became friends again. As we reconnected, there was kissing, but I think we both knew that nothing would ever come of it. We were meant to be friends. And he is one of my favorite people to this day. There are times that we won't talk for a year, but we still keep each other in mind.

Since that situation I have always known that even if things don't work out between people, I don't see why they can't still be a part of each others lives. Unless someone has done something terrible, I understand that things change, and people change. That doesn't mean that I care about the people I had dated any less. Of course some situations take a little more time to be able to have a friendship. And sometimes having exes still around caused quite a few issues with people I was dating. But I hate losing people. There is a reason I cared about particular people. And it's so rare to find people that you cared about so intensely. I don't like letting that go. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But it's my thing. Anyone I date now, I am very clear about having my exes still in my life. And not just exes, but I have a lot more guy friends than chick friends. And I am not giving them up. If someone has jealousy issues or expects compromise on that end, they will have to find someone else. Throughout this last year, I have learned to love my friends and my family so much. A lot of people have helped me survive this last year and a half. Including my exes. I am so grateful that I have their advice, because no one knows me better than these people. To any friends reading this, and to the one ex I am allowing to read this (yikes) Thank you!

The Pressure 12:11 PM

The roomie and I went to karaoke the other night. I was so happy she came out with me. It was fun, but I keep adding this pressure on myself to meet people. Let me just say, I'm not one of those chicks who is desperate to find her true love everywhere she goes. But when you're single, you're a lot more aware of the people around you and the potential they have. When I go to the grocery store, or the library, I notice cute guys. It sounds pathetic, and maybe a little desperate. But honestly, I feel like if I'm going to meet people, I have to allow myself to be open to it.

I had written down my experiences talking to a few guys from that night. But reading back, it's pretty boring and typical. I meet a guy, he ends up being a douche after having too much to drink. I meet another guy, but only after he showed interest in the roomie, so I'm the sloppy seconds. I even got asked out by the karaoke DJ, and I said yes. But chickened out, because the pressure of being cute and charming all the time is getting to me. Everyone says to be yourself, but in the beginning you are trying to be the best version of yourself. It's tiring.

I will probably still attempt to go out with him if he doesn't hate me. But man, when you aren't the youngest, thinnest, most attractive girl, it makes it that much harder. And I'm not. I've always thought of myself as kind of strange looking compared to most girls. I have squinty eyes, a small nose, and a round face. And I'm not kidding myself, I have a ways to go to be comfortable with my body. I guess no one saw that I was self-conscious, cause everyone I've talked to from high school has said I composed myself with great confidence. People said they had crushed on me, but no one really ever said anything. I'm sure it had a lot to do with having a boyfriend most of high school. But I definitely wouldn't have stayed with the asshole for so long had I known anyone had an interest. I honestly thought no one else was really going to like me, and that my high school boyfriend was the best I could do. I guess I should give him a nickname, as I'm sure he will be popping up quite frequently. Hmm...The Ego sounds appropriate. He is now named The Ego. I will get to him, don't worry.

Anyway, I have so many ideas to post about. I really need to clear my head so I can put together something that makes sense and isn't overwhelming. Honestly I'm so overwhelmed by my own thoughts. I'm not a writer, but I'm trying to put together something cohesive. I do want this to be a story, more than just writing random thoughts all the time. I promise this will get interesting.

Ex Messages 2:03 PM

And when you're dancing and laughing and finally living.
Hear my voice in your head and think of me kindly.

I am writing on my nice bristol board paper and with my Faber-Castell H pencil because I don't own a fucking notepad or a regular pencil. I usually have these passing thoughts, it's frustrating when I finally get the chance to write, I can't remember shit.

I have been getting messages from The Ex. And not the typical ones, where he states how I broke his heart. And how I threw away 7 years together. They usually end with how cold-hearted I am, and please think of him as dead. They always end with goodbye. I never thought about how final 'goodbye' sounds. If you think about it, who says 'goodbye' anymore. His goodbyes are never final though. I usually get pages and pages of text messages. The first will be the typical hurt speech. The next will be some mean jab at me, then that will be followed by an apology and the 'goodbye'.

I hate that he is struggling. So bad...

I don't want to hurt anyone. No one does, but I have a tendency to stay with people for years because I don't want to hurt them. Anyway, the conversations have been extremely draining, because I want him to pull out of this. It was becoming very destructive. And I worried about his health and his safety.

But the other day he asks if he can take me out to talk. And I know where this is going. His text messages become very apologetic and reflective. And I know where this is going. There comes a point in my break-ups, it never fails, where they get this clarity. Where they stop playing victim, and there's this realization of what they've lost. I don't claim to be perfect, but I think I'm a pretty awesome girlfriend. I'm extremely laid back, almost too much. This attitude gets taken advantage of. This is what's happening with The Ex. I know he want to put everything on the table for another chance. He wants to tell me how he's different, and how he will be different. And I'm going to have to tell him it's too late. I have to break his heart again. I get teared up just thinking about it. I've had to do this with every serious relationship I've been in. It's so weird, but I find it easier to deal with being hurt than hurting someone else. Unfortunately, I've learned that finding the right person involves hurting a lot of good people.

The Single Atheist in Utah 4:22 PM

Let's talk a little about the dating scene in Utah. I had mentioned above that I'm 30, well I will be 30 this month. Most people in Utah understand the challenges right away. You see, mormon culture is overwhelming. Generally the dating scene is over for most people in high school. Guys go on their missions around age 19. Then they come home and there is a small amount of dating. Most guys have girls waiting for them, and they marry pretty quickly when they get home. Other than that, I believe guys turn to people that they already know, or who are part of their ward. And I think I've been told about the singles ward once or twice. There really are slim pickins at my age, since most everyone scooped each other up pretty early. Strangely enough, I was dating a mormon all through high school. And I almost waited for him while he was on mission. This is another post all together.

Add to the fact that I'm an atheist. I just talked about that most people meet each other within their small church communities. Obviously this creates a problem for an atheist. I generally avoid dating mormons, just because of the potential issues in the future. I have dated mormons before, and I have no problem with it, as long as they understand who I am. And know that they will not be able to convert me at all. Period. But, I'm sure mormons avoid me as much as I avoid them. Most mormons or even religious people in general assume that atheists have no morals. Which isn't true, I have most of the same morals, they just come from the laws and common sense instead of the bible. But, we won't get into the backgrounds of atheism. I want to keep any talk of atheism in relation to dating.

The most recent person I dated was a mormon. I'll call him The Good Guy. (A lot of my friends will disagree with the nickname, but I stand by it). I knew him back in high school. He dated and married a friend of mine from high school. We reconnected on facebook (which apparently is the way to meet people these days). I was dating this guy while he was going through a pretty bad divorce. This should have sent up red flags, but he convinced me that he was okay with dating. The story of The Good Guy is long, and I will save it for another post. But he didn't seem to have a problem that I was an atheist, although I got the feeling that he was looking for the exact opposite of what his ex-wife was. And that is just asking to be rebound material. Another lesson I learned quite painfully.

So when I talk about the challenges of dating, maybe I mean it's more a challenge to meet people who are interested. My roomie and I agreed that if I were living in New York it wouldn't be an issue. Or a lot of other places for that matter. Culturally diverse places see a lot less discriminating taste and they aren't getting married off at age 18-21 on average. We decided that if I'm still single at 35, I'm packing my bags and moving. Cause, you know....in Utah, it's game over man, game over.

Note to Self 2:01 PM

As I am just starting this blog, things might be somewhat confusing to the reader. I haven't even begun to flesh out my backstory. I am learning lessons, or more appropriately, I am trying to learn lessons about my dating habits. One of my long standing habits is drinking and flirting. A deadly combo. I think that I'm decent at flirting and being charming. But when I pass the point to full on drunkeness, things fall apart. I am extremely forward and agressive. And most the time, it will involve kissing. I love to kiss, more than anything. And for some reason I drink, and drink...and then it's on to kissing. This might not seem like such a terrible thing. But I would like to be the type of person to at least kiss people I'm interested in, as opposed to the people who happen to be standing closest to me. That is an exaggeration, but you get the point.

The biggest problem here is I am making people think I'm interested when I'm not. And I feel terrible about that. I really do. I don't want to hurt anyone. And I am already on that path.

The other problem is that I may come across as easy. And generally you are not going attract the guys with the best intentions or expectations. I will say one thing, I am not a slut. It is going to be interesting to date at this age and know how sex fits in. I don't do casual sex, and I think I've already experienced rejection because of not wanting to be a booty call. I say that I think, because I'm not positive if that was the reason. I'm just assuming.

Anyway...note to self...no more heavy drinking while dating.

The Purpose 11:33 AM

I guess I have to start this somewhere. And I guess the best place to start might be with the why.

I have another personal blog. It's not huge, just a few friends drop in to take a peek at my boring little life. But my blog has been lacking in posts. Due to certain things happening in my life, I feel a little bad about being extremely specific. Especially with the people that are part of my life. I find blogs to be therapeutic, and also a great way to look back on your life and who you were at different times. But I hate having to leave such big aspects of my life out in fear of hurting peoples feelings. So, instead of making my blog private, which I have always tried to avoid. I'm attempting to do an anonymous blog. I'm hoping that I can share feelings and experiences without certain people in my life being hurt. And still allow everyone to share my experiences with me.

The main purpose of this blog is to share my dating experiences, past and present. I will not be using my name, or any names for that matter. That way I don't have to worry about the people I'm dating coming across this. At least I hope. *crosses fingers* So for the interest of anonymity, if you know me, please don't mention any names in the comment section. And if you know who I'm dating, I would appreciate you not mentioning this blog.

I am by no means a great writer, so don't come into this expecting it to be grand literature. I'm sure I will spend some time going back and forth between present dating, and reflecting on my previous relationships. I'm hoping this little experiment works, and I'm hoping that people will get some entertainment out of my situation. Because everyone knows that dating has always been quite the adventure.